Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Casualty of the Chemo War and Running


A big high and a low today.  First the high.  I went running again today after radiation.  It rained and rained again, but I went anyway.  This time I ran for a full 30 minutes!  I felt so good- no cramping, no muscle aches.  I ran slow and steady and felt like I could have gone faster, but I'm still taking it easy.  I had a sense today that I'm not starting as low as I thought with my fitness level.  I think it will come back to me fairly quickly.  I had such gratitude today for being able to run, for feeling healthy, and for feeling normal.  I'd like to hold onto that- gratitude for being able to exercise.  This is way different than I used to feel about exercise- I did it mostly for the feeling I'd get afterwards, and for the results.  It feels great to be enjoying exercise when I'm right in the middle of it.

I was so happy again today.  I had an acupuncture appointment and had hardly anything wrong with me to report.  Mostly just sleep stuff and hot flashes.  This is way different than when I used to go in with 4 or 5 complaints.

Ok, here's the casualty of the chemo war- I lost a nail today.  My feelings about it have caught me by surprise.  I noticed it had split today at work, way down low where the dead part attaches to the new, live part.  I thought I could just go buy some nail glue and glue it back together.  But by the time I finished work and got to the store, it was just hanging on by a thread.  I looked at the store and didn't find any nail glue.  I sat down for a bit and thought about what I wanted to do.  I was still on my running high and feeling great and I decided I didn't care about losing a nail, especially since I can see the new nail growing back.  I pulled it all the way off.  Looking at it on the way out of the store I started crying.  I can't figure out why I started crying.  It really doesn't look too terrible.  I think it has something to do with trying so hard to keep my nails, and losing it this long after the end of chemo makes me feel like a hand from the grave reached out and goosed me.  But really, the truth of chemo is that it got my hair, and it got a nail, but it didn't get me!  And, hopefully, it got any remaining cancer cells.  I guess I can afford to grieve the loss of a nail.

Radiation was not so quick today.  It was x-ray day, which they do every 5 or 6 days.  In addition to the regular radiation, I get several x-rays taken to check my position and make sure the radiation is going where it's supposed to be going.  I'm growing to like the darlings (these are the two young lady assistants who get me positioned on the table and who call me "darling".  It makes me smile inside because they are so much younger than me).  The rapster tech didn't come out of the control room today.  Which is just as well.  The darlings are much sweeter.  They have started heating up a heating pad for me to have on my stomach each time.  I had told them how I didn't like being cold in the cold room, so they said they'd do a heating pad for me.  They also showed me where to get a prettier gown- a pink one with an easier opening.  I think it's so nice of them to take the time to try to make me more comfortable.

6 Down, 27 To Go!

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