22 Down, 11 To Go

5/28/09

Well, I've finally made it up after a 3 hour rest.  I hit a big fatigue wall today and got home and just couldn't do anything but lay down and stare out the window.  I kept thinking I should get up and get dinner going, but couldn't do it.  I finally told the kids it was a "fend for yourself night".  They went foraging for food in the kitchen and actually didn't do too bad.  Karina surprisingly got herself some fruits and veggies to go with her dinner.  Kaycee had a can of mandarine oranges, a yogurt, and a roll with cheese.  I always feel so guilty when they eat like that.  It's so far removed from what I imagine dinner is supposed to be.  But, they seem to enjoy getting whatever they want and really, who says we all have to eat traditional dinner foods anyway.  They made me a pb and honey sandwich and a glass of milk, and I feel a bit better now that I've eaten.  After dinner we all hung out in the back yard on the hammocks and just chatted about nothing in particular.  There is something so soothing and relaxing about swinging gently under the trees.  It's so cool there after such a hot day.  

I've been feeling so overwhelmed lately over any small thing that happens.  I remember the story, "Flowers for Algernon" about the mentally retarded man who scientists worked with and improved his intelligence to the point that he was a genius.  Then, slowly, he began to go backwards and lose his intelligence.  It was so hard for him because all the while he remembered that he used to know and understand things that he could no longer grasp.  That's what it's been like for me.  I used to be able to handle several different challenges at once, either at home or at work.  It was kind of fun and stimulating to problem solve and use creative thinking around different challenges.  Lately, though, problems come up and I know I used to be able solve them, but now my brain can't handle them- it's kind of like walking through the day drunk and trying to function like a sober person.  People tell me this is fatigue, and I know it is.  I'm going to take some time off work to just rest and get through the remaining radiation.  I think I need some days of doing nothing but taking care of myself.  

I had good news at radiation today.  The doc said my skin looks really good and it's much better than most people at my stage of radiation.  She said typically at this point the skin is burned and has open blister areas.  I've been using the spray from the naturopath and so far the skin on my breast just looks like it has a dark tan.  The throbbing pain hasn't been there in awhile.  I have some herbs that I take when it begins to throb, and so far they help.  Also, more good news- I slept pretty well last night- I don't recall any hot flashes and I only woke up twice.  I woke up tired, though, so I think I need a few more nights of good sleep.  Actually, right now I feel like crawling into bed and hibernating for a week.