12 Down, 21 To Go

5/13/09

It rained and rained and rained today, and it's still raining.  I was having muscle aches in my legs today, like I used to on chemo (how cool that I can now say, "used to" about chemo!) so I took a break from exercising after radiation.  Instead I went to the Y and sat in the hot tub and the sauna.  I had the thought that I would do a little weight lifting, and I even brought work out clothes.  But, once I got there I couldn't do it.  I couldn't face going into the weight room with a head scarf on.  It's been a long time since I've been in the weight room, but I well remember how everyone checks everyone else out, and I just didn't feel like being checked out in my head scarf.  It's hard enough being in the changing room and having little kids stare at me when I take it off.  

I think Kaycee is more excited about my hair growing back than I am (if that's possible- I'm pretty excited!)  She comments on it every morning and she likes to rub it and she's making plans for when she can put it into pony tails.  She's excited that it seems to be the same color as hers.  It still looks tri-colored to me- black in the back, blond on top, and white on the sides.  I am thrilled that it's growing back, but sad that it will take a while before I'm comfortable going without a hat in public.  

I was very tired again today, but I'm going to try my new trick for getting to sleep.  I am going to listen to an Eckhart Tolle talk.  He's a spiritual teacher with a great german accent and a soothing, hypnotic voice.  I listened to him a few nights ago and was asleep within about 10 minutes.  I couldn't follow what he was saying, but the next day, bits of it came back to me.

I had a bit of a wait in the cancer center today.  There were 3 couples in the waiting area.  At first I was annoyed because I could over hear bits of their conversations and it was all about cancer this and cancer that.  I'm already annoyed when I go in there because there are bulletin boards and signs all over advertising different stuff about cancer.  I'm surrounded by cancer in there.  I wish it was different- I wish there were people's vision boards all over the walls, with pictures of health and life.  But, once I stopped being annoyed by what the people were saying, I just watched them and I saw so much love it cheered me up.  There was one couple sitting across from each other, the woman in the tell-tale chemo hat.  They were talking quietly and at one point the woman began to cry and the man got up, sat next to her, and gently and lovingly held her in his arms.  The other two couples were elderly and seemed to have gotten to know each other during the course of treatments.  When the women went off for treatment, the two men talked to each other about their wives' conditions.  It was so clear that they both dearly loved and cared for their wives.  It was sweet, too, to see two men sharing their feelings with each other.  I know cancer sucks and all, and I've heard that it can tear couples apart, but it also has the power to bring out the best in people, and to encourage people to express the deep love they have for each other.