Ultimate Self Care...and Back to Work

1/26/09

It was another Monday and back to work for me today. Luckily I was feeling pretty good all day, just not too much of an appetite. I couldn't face the wig after so many days of wearing the buff, so I just wore the buff today. Plus, I had a bunch of appointments scheduled and felt like the wig would get in the way. I was a little nervous going into work, but I felt more like myself with it on. Maybe. We'll see what I wear tomorrow. I went into one preschool today and the kids didn't say one word about it. Work was nice. It feels SO GOOD to do something normal like go to work. I sure never truly appreciated my ability to work before all this.

I ran into a woman I kind of know and she asked me what my prognosis was. I had heard that people sometimes ask that. What a weird question. It's like asking anyone "when are you going to die"? I don't know what my prognosis is, just like none of us knows what life holds in store. All I know is that Dr. T told me that the cancer doesn't "come back". It's either already spread from the original tumor, or it hasn't. It can't spread any more, because the tumor has been removed. If it has spread, the chemo will wipe it out, or it won't. I won't know ever really. If it comes back, I guess my prognosis was bad. If it doesn't, then I had a good prognosis. I have a very strong gut feeling that it didn't spread and that I'll live to be 100 or so. But, in the mean time I'm enjoying and appreciating every little bit of being alive. One of Karina's friends, a girl her age, died this past week. The girls and I have been talking about death and Karina was really surprised that a kid her age could die. I think it has left her feeling that life is fragile, whether someone has cancer or is just a regular kid going about her regular life. She's been exceptionally affectionate with me this past week. I think the three of us are all learning how much we mean to each other and how much we cherish each other.

I started the day with seeing the PT for lymph massage. I ended the day with a visit to the chiropractor and a hot stone massage. The hot stone lady also did some lymph massage also. I can't believe how much better my arm has gotten- the chiropractor has really helped to loosen up my stiff shoulder, and the massage was just heavenly. The lymph massage is supposed to help keep my arm swelling down, and also help to move the chemo through my body. Dr. T's assistant told me that studies have shown that regular massage shortly after chemo helps to lessen the side effects. So, I'm planning to schedule a massage after each treatment. I hardly ever fall asleep on my own any more, but I almost did on the massage table today. There is something really grounding about the hot stones- hard to explain, but somehow I just felt my body sinking into the earth and feeling deeply rooted and strong.

I felt so good this morning that I made pancakes for breakfast. We have eaten for so long out of the freezer and cardboard boxes that it was a NICE treat to have pancakes. Kaycee overheard me on the phone a while back saying that the girls love all the meals people have been bringing us because my cooking isn't so great. She told me after that that she misses my cooking and that she actually thinks I'm a good cook. I guess they are learning to appreciate the little things too! I have written about how happy they have been, and I realized today that I can take some of the credit for that. I have been pretty peaceful and happy lately too, and the girls always seem to reflect my moods and emotional state. When I'm hysterical and crying all the time, that's when they get scared and unhappy. It's a nice reminder that when I take care of myself, I am actually taking care of them too.