Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Gratitude...and Fear


Looking back on the weekend, even though I had a bad spell on Saturday, I am amazed at how good I felt over all and at all the active things I was able to do. Soccer, a hike, roller blading, swimming, and a bike ride. And, I had a chance to really connect with the girls and have some nice bonding time with them together and separately. I miss them so much when I'm feeling miserable and laying in bed while they watch a movie. The weather was so beautiful and I noticed that some of my bulbs are starting to peak up a bit already. I'm so excited for spring because spring means I'm closer to being done! My last chemo is tentatively scheduled for April Fool's Day. Wonder what the cosmic significance of that is?

I had more acupuncture and Reiki today and was feeling so good in my body today. I spent the day in appreciation of how good I felt just to be able to sit in a chair without discomfort, and to walk from my car into a building, and to EAT! Food tasted good today and I've had an appetite. I know I've lost weight, so I've been trying to put it back on again before the nurse finds out tomorrow and scolds me again. I suppose it's kind of nice being told to eat frequently and to eat high calorie foods. I may never have this opportunity again!

I saw more people today that I hadn't seen in awhile and saw them do the double take when they realized it was me underneath the hair. Saw a few people also that didn't recognize me at all, but today I was comfortable telling them who I was and just saying that I had changed my hair.

I had the most amazing experience last night. I got to meet a woman a few years younger than me who is a year past her breast cancer treatment. She wrote a book about how she gave up on the wigs and head coverings and decided to go bald. What struck me most about her was how vibrant and full of life and confident she is now. Her chemo experiences were bad, like mine, and there she was standing in front of me happy and bubbly and beautiful. It gave me hope that that could be me before too long. She is also going to be my "chemo buddy" a few times and drive me to and from chemo and sit with me while I get it.

D came over last night and we had some more fun with my wigs. I gave her Farrah and the red bob and she wore the red one to work today. She is so gutsy! One of the mom's at school today had shaved/cut her hair quite short and she looked fabulous. I think I could go out on the town bald if I went with these gutsy women!

So, the fear part. Another round of chemo tomorrow and while I've got some different plans this time for getting through Thur and Fri, I just don't know if it will be like last time or not. It could be better, it could be worse, and longer, or it could be the same. Each time is like labor- I don't know if it will be long or short, intense or not. I keep hearing that chemo is cumulative and that it gets a little harder each time as the body gets more worn down and weaker. But, I also am told that acupuncture is cumulative and that it makes the body stronger each time. I just HATE that I am feeling so good right now and I know that chemo is going to take that away from me. It's hard, but I need to find my way back to that place of being grateful for the chemotherapy. If I really think hard about it, if it's what is going to save my life, the days of misery are more than worth it. I don't think much about how this cancer could potentially kill me, but when I do, I am SUPER grateful for the chemo and the surgeries and my doctor and the crappy shots and all the blood draws and the millions of tests and the nurses.

I didn't get to enjoy election day at all because it was the day after my diagnosis. And, I don't watch the news and haven't been reading the paper much, so today was especially special for me. I got to watch President Obama's speech today, and I got to go to a cool inauguration party tonight, and it just really sunk in for me tonight that we have a new president. I have been so much inside myself that I haven't been thinking too much about world events. Today there were a few shots of soldiers in Iraq watching the inauguration, and something just filled me with joy. I had the thought that America has been so cowboy tough for so long that maybe now is America's chance to soften a little. Just for today, I don't feel so fearful about my country's place in the world, and I don't feel so fearful about my place in the world.

1 comment:

Geek Knitter said...

Bald and beautiful women are a wonder to behold. Wishing you all the best.