Sunday, January 11, 2009

Beautiful Morning

1/11/09

It is a beautiful morning. I'm still at the country cottage, surrounded by trees and tranquility. I learned that the money I used to pay for this place (which was given to me by a good friend as a gift), went to help a man with bladder cancer. The owner went to a benefit auction for him and spent the money on items in support of him. It feels good to know that the universe has a way of circulating help around.

I spent about 2 1/2 hours yesterday with my hair stylist. She is a true artist and she was kind enough to come to the cottage to work with me and the wigs. I brought three of them- Farah Faucet, Saucy Red, and French Monique. These are my silly names for them. We decided Farah was a lost cause and F played around with it, looking like a 70's rock star. Saucy Red was very cute, and she cut it just a bit. It's synthetic and very shiny and probably looks a bit fake and smells a bit like plastic. French Monique is real hair and was given to me by my doctor's office, where it had been donated in brand new condition. It was shoulder length, very dark hair. I liked it the best because it is real hair and it feels so soft and nice and so different from the synthetic My hair stylist was able to put in some high lights that lightened it up, and she cut it more to my style and it looks pretty good on. It is way darker than my old blond hair, but probably closer to my original color. I really like it. I wore it around some yesterday to get used to it. F said I looked like a French assassin in it, so I put on some dark lipstick to play up the part, but drew the line at the long cigarette. In the mean time, my hair has been coming out and its very devastating. I'm finding it in the bathtub, on the computer, more and more all over the place. When I pull on it, sometimes 3-4 strands at a time come out, and sometimes nothing. I think it's happening slowly. I still am holding out hope that maybe it will just thin. But, I'm going to try the wig out in public a little bit today just to see how it feels. F will be with me so I won't have to do it alone.

I'm feeling like I'm on the bridge again. The old Krista is on one side, and I'm just starting off across the bridge. No one can walk across with me, but I've got lot's of people all around the bridge, cheering me on. The more I cross the bridge, the more naked, bald, and vulnerable I become. It is so scary and lonely there. I can be there alone, or I can invite God. Sometimes I remember and invite God, and its not so scary then. Sometimes my will gets in the way and I stand alone. The more I cross it, the more naked I become. I have no idea what's on the other side. I know that there will be a new me waiting there, but I don't really know who she will be. I'm sad to lose the old me. Well, I know I'm not losing all of her, but still, it's a scary place to be. I don't really want to take anyone on the bridge with me, because I don't want anyone else to have to go through this. But sometimes I find myself reaching out to the people surrounding me, wishing they could do this for me. Sometimes I envision people underneath the bridge, holding it up for me as I cross.

I made it through the two rough post-chemo days and am feeling quite well, but shaken. It was rough and I don't want to go through it six more times. It really helps knowing that I come out the other side pretty quickly, but it totally sucks when I'm in it and even though I've got a week and a half break, the anticipation of it coming again is awful. Now would be the time to live in the present moment. There is a painting on the wall here in the cottage that says. "Each moment outshines the one before. This is the present moment, make your home here." This will be my focus for the next week and a half- fully embrace and enjoy each moment in each day and fully appreciate and give thanks for each bite of food that tastes good, each time I can go for a walk, each moment that I'm feeling good. I'll figure out a way to get through the next rough patch. And I'll be sure to invite God along.

2 comments:

Geek Knitter said...

There are so many things I wish I could say, but I can't seem to find the right words.

Thinking of you, every day

Dandi's Strength said...

K, I am under the bridge cheering you on; use me as you need. D