Sunday, January 4, 2009

Soccer Day!!! and Wise Men

1/4/08

Ok, this is really two different postings, but it's late so I'm combing them. Most exiting first: I PLAYED SOCCER TODAY!!!!!!!!!!

I was feeling so good again yesterday and I had an email about a game today, so I replied and said I'd play. Of course I immediately had doubts. But I also felt this stubborn streak inside me- the part of me that REALLY wanted to be able to play. I figured I could just sub out if it wasn't working, and at least I'd get to sit in the box with my team and watch the game. Yesterday was such a beautiful, clear, sunny (but cold) day. It was a refreshing break from all the rain. The girls and I had a great swim in the warm water salt pool at Tamarack, then visited with a friend, then indulged at Sweet Life, then went ROLLER BLADING along the river to the River Play Park. I went on my roller blades, and they tried out their new Christmas scooters. This was my first real exercise since September, aside from the slow walking I've been doing. My muscles felt like jelly, but it was so beautiful and so nice to be outside, full of energy, with my kids, that I did just fine. I was afraid of falling, and there was a lot of debris on the path, but I prayed and was very careful and I didn't fall. I had a few hours of feeling like my old self again, and the girls and I got to connect and bond in a way that we haven't been able to do since before my surgeries. I have always known that our relationship is special, but I was reminded and reinforced about how special it is that I have them. I was so very tired last night, but still having trouble getting to sleep and staying asleep sleep.

This morning I went to my soccer game and what an experience that was, on different levels. As far as the physical activity of playing soccer, it was wonderful. I worked up a good, long sweat that felt great. I've been told that it's important for me to sweat every day as it will do a good job of getting the chemo toxins out of my body. It's been recommended that I get into a sauna every day for 30 minutes. The only way to do this is to join a gym, and that has been out of my reach for now. So, I haven't been sweating. But today I sure did. My muscles turned to rubber in the first 5 minutes and I was shaking all over, so I subbed out pretty quickly. But I got right back in and the muscles settled down and I was able to play for longer stretches at time. My boob was very sore immediately when I began to run, so I mostly sort of shuffled along and when I did run, I just tried to hold onto it with my arm. It may have looked strange, but oddly enough, I was so happy to be there, I didn't care at all how I looked. It was a very freeing feeling. I also was very nervous when I was in close proximity to people fighting for the ball. Each time that happened, I sort of crossed my arms over my breasts and it was ok. I had a chance at a goal at the very end, but then the game was over. It's amazing how this experience has made every aspect of my life exquisitely sweet. I love soccer more than ever now. Again, I got to feel a tiny glimpse of my old self today. My acupuncturist has told me to save 20% or so of my energy reserves for healing, so as hard as it was, I did hold back and not play as hard as I maybe could have.

The other piece about the soccer experience had to do with my hair, and the bigger lesson that goes along with my hair deal. It's obviously very, very much shorter now than it was before. So far, I've only been around people who know about the cancer, or out in public amongst strangers. The strangers don't give me a second glance, as they don't know what I looked like before. The people who know me have been very kind and said nice things about my hair (thank you, kind people!). In spite of all this, a part of me does feel quite self-conscious about it. When I look in the mirror, sometimes I look like a scared 20 year old and I don't see the 39 year old, confident me. It freaks me out a bit. Anyway, I played at the indoor place today, and it was packed. My team mates who know what's going on with me were very kind and supportive and happy to see me and kind about my hair. A lot of the people who were in the building were people who I know casually from the past 4 years of playing soccer in the community. They don't know what's going on with me and haven't seen me since October when I stopped playing. I got some surprised (and maybe horrified?) stares and some barely polite comments about my hair. I didn't really know how to respond. I'm certainly not going to drop the cancer bomb on a casual acquaintance as I'm engaged in a quick exchange. What I ended up saying was, "I didn't have a lot of choice with my hair and there is a story behind it. Nice to see you again, gotta go!" I'm confused about what to do when I'm bald. After today, I don't think there's any way I can wear a wig when I'm playing soccer. It would be way too hot and sweaty and itchy and I'd be so afraid of it falling off. I thought I could just wear a hat, but it will be pretty obvious that I'm bald. What kind of comments will I be getting then from those casual acquaintances then? Or, if I did wear the wig, how would I explain the sudden hair growth? I think my big lesson here is more about letting go. I can't control what's going to happen to my hair, and I can't control people's comments, but I can control my response. I can just come up with a short phrase again. How about, "Yeah, I'm bald. I lost my hair during chemo. Nice to see you again, gotta go!" Ah shit, why does this have to be so hard?

Speaking of the wig, the girls tell me it looks like a mullet. They are right. Its pretty big and fluffy on the top and it looks weird. I thought it was ok in the shop, but at home it looks weird. I'm taking it back in sometime this week to see what can be done. I'm kind of scared to go back to work this week. My co-workers are fine, but all the people I work with in the community I will have to face. How will I explain very short, dark hair, with specks of grey one day, then shoulder length blonde hair the next? How many different times, and to how many different people, will I have to explain to and tell? And then I have to keep asking people to let me know if they are sick or not before I can see them. I'm not supposed to be around any sick people. And I need to get a sign up on my door asking people to wash their hands when they come inside. Ah, this sucks. It is so hard and stressful for me to tell new people, especially people I don't know really well, about the cancer in a quick, upbeat sort of way. I've enjoyed my nurturing time off, and now it's time to go back out into the big world. Yikes!


Ok, here's the wise man part. I realized that I've written a lot about the wise women in my life, but not really at all about the wise men. I actually have had quite a few male helpers. Men help in such a different way, but it is important to note that it is incredibly smart and wise the way they do it. It is like the wise women are my inner circle, surrounding me in nurturing love. The men are more like an outer circle, doing the things that need to be done so that I am freed up to be nurtured by the women. Here are a few of the things the men have done for me, sparing me of using my energy to do them myself:

Take my garbage to the curb and back again every week, mow my lawn, rake leaves, deal with my mess of a garden, install Karina's basketball hoop, fix my dishwasher, fix my broken drawers, give me hats, send me emails, pray for me, write a really cool article about me, wrap Christmas presents, organize Christmas for the girls and I, put up Christmas lights, carry heavy stuff for me, buy me groceries, bring me huge bags of Costco quick foods, make great cd's for me, leave chocolate smily faces where I will find them, cook dinners for me, light candles for me and send me positive, healing thoughts.

The men are more silent, but I can feel their positive, healing energy too, in a different way from the women. It creates a nice balance for me and for the universe. F is unique in that he has attributes of both the Wise Man and the Wise Woman- perfectly balanced all in one person. He is there in both circles. Right at this moment, in spite of the hair dilemma, I consider myself very, very, very lucky and loved.

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