Random Stuff

Saturday, Jan something 09

I'm sitting here in bed looking at all the pictures on my walls. When I was at my first chemo appointment, the girls worked almost 3 hours on making pictures and putting them up all over my room. Their goal is to cover every inch of my walls, and they came close! They are bright, cheerful, I love you pictures. People often ask me how the girls are doing with all this. I am so surprised, but they are doing quite well. I believe it is all the love and support we are all getting- I think they are bathed in love so they don't have much room to feel bad. They have both matured quite a bit, and become more flexible and are even getting along better with each other (although not at the moment- they are fighting over chores). It has been a huge relief to me to see them doing so well.

As for me, yesterday was a good day. It turns out I wasn't sick, just having side effects of the chemo. Apparently the chemo can kill healthy cells in my mouth and throat, and allow unhealthy bacteria to grow. The acedophalus worked in a few hours, so I'll stick with that. My white blood cells were within normal range, but still low enough that I needed yet another shot. I may have written this already. My mind gets jumbled more and more these days.

Today has not been so great. I don't know what's going on with me today. I did not sleep much last night, so I woke up tired. I started off doing well, but I wasn't very hungry. As the day progressed, I got more and more worn down feeling and my stomach started to hurt so I haven't been able to eat much. Today was the first day I wore the buff out in public (other than two other very brief times). I was so self-conscious and it just got harder as the day went on. I am very much aware that other people don't really think too much about it- I didn't get any comments or looks from strangers. It was just in my head all day long that I must look like I have cancer and like I'm sick. I went to the pool and didn't really realize until I was there how hard it would be for me getting dressed and undressed in the locker room. I decided to keep the buff on the entire time, even in the pool. I guess I need to get a swimming cap. I saw a woman I went to college with years ago and knew, but not well. There was no recognition on her face when she looked at me, and I didn't bother to say hi. I was afraid of having to explain my head to her. It was a relief and a sadness to feel invisible. My emotions have been right on the surface all day, and I've been crying on and off all day. I think a combination of being tired, having an upset stomach, and still getting used to being bald is all contributing. Plus I'm having a lot of anxiety about chemo next week. I'm frustrated with myself, because I just wanted to live in the present today and enjoy a beautiful, sunny Saturday. I did go through the motions. Karina and I went on a bike ride and it was nice and fun and reminded me of summer. I was quite tired, though, after just a few miles. I know it's to be expected. I'm just still having a hard time letting go and taking it easy.

I am happy to say that 2 1/2 months have passed since this all started. Yeah!! I've gotten through 2 1/2 months! No wonder I'm tired, though. That's a long time to have almost constant anxiety and stress.

I ended up taking 1/4 of an ativan to help with the nausea and with my anxiety. I really HATE taking medication, and part of my letting go will be to learn to accept that it's ok for me to take medication while I have cancer. It's a normal thing to do, and that's what the medication is intended for. And, I won't have to do this forever. I won't have to do this forever. I won't have to do this forever.

I had to laugh the other day. I was talking to an older relative on the phone, and one of her pieces of advice for me was for me to "suck it up". She actually used those words. There is this pressure to be tough and to tough this out. I am conflicted. I know this is no place for wimps and that I do need to be strong. But, I want to be able to keep having and expressing my emotions. I am a strong person, and this is very HARD and there are many times when I just want to be taken care of and babied and nurtured. I'm learning to ask for this and to receive it and I think I'm tough enough already and perhaps I need to SOFTEN up enough to continue accepting nurturing and help from people.

Ok, here's my call for help. I've been enjoying watching romantic comedies when I get really down and I've gone through all the ones I have. If anyone has any good movies to loan me (must be lighthearted, sweet, funny, romantic), I'd sure appreciate it!