The Blood Race

1/14/09

I went in today for what should have been a 10 minute blood draw. It turned into almost two hours. My white cells were low. Not terribly low, but low enough that I needed to get another damn shot today. I was in a pretty good mood, thinking I'd pop in for a quick visit on my off chemo week, then dash off to work as if all was normal. I just hit a wall today and started crying right before the shot. It was weird, one minute I was laughing and joking, the next I was crying right in front of all the staff and a few patients there. I have just had enough, and I'm frustrated because I'm at the beginning still. Nurse Rugby did the shot and he was very kind and gentle and it didn't really hurt much at all. I missed most of the morning at work and just felt so sad and tired today. I've got to go back in on Friday for another blood draw and possibly another shot. It's a race- the chemo wipes out the blood cells, and the shot races in to build them up again. No wonder my body is so tired. It's working to kill cancer, working to fight off chemo, working to re-build healthy cells. I'm having this close together, aggressive treatment because I'm young and healthy and Dr. T says my body can handle it. Now if I could just get my emotions to catch up! I ended up working some today, but hit another wall. I went home and rested on the couch for about half an hour and felt better. I saw my counselor today too and that always helps. She said I just really need to love myself and nurture myself right now. I have a lot of fear about the next round of chemo next week. I guess I've got some time to work through it.

So, the head shaving. My hair started coming out on Sunday, all over the cottage. I wore the wig Sunday afternoon, mostly in an attempt to contain all my loose hair so I could stop finding it all over the house. Monday morning it was all over my pillow. F and D both came over that night to help me shave it. F used clippers and they were loud and hot on my skin. I needed to stop right after we got started and get myself grounded and centered. I use my bathroom as my private prayer/meditation center, so I went in there and practiced one of the breathing techniques I learned in my mind/body class and prayed for God to hold me through the head shaving. I went back out and it was kind of fun and funny and we were rocking out to Billy Idol. I plugged up my ears and closed my eyes and pretty soon it was over. I was surprised at how much hair I still had left, and at how dark it was all over the floor. Both F and D said that my head was pretty and that it wasn't so bad. I looked in the mirror and I was very surprised. I could see my entire face clearly for the first time in my life. I had the feeling of "Oh, there I am". Then I looked at my head. I had no idea what my bare head would look like, and I was pleasantly surprised. It is just a smallish, round head with normal ears attached. The only bald women I've seen recently are elderly women in the doctor's office, and many of them are quite sick. I was afraid that I would look old, frail, and sick with a bald head. But, I think I still look like me. The big surprise was that when I rub my head, it is excruciatingly painful when I rub my hair against the grain. It feels like tiny cactus needles stabbing into my skull. Wearing the wig is painful. Even wearing a soft hat and laying against my pillow is painful whenever I move. I took a shower and washed it this morning, and it wasn't as bad. I think once the remaining hair (it's probably 1/16 of an inch long) comes out, it won't hurt so much.

Well, after my head was shaved, D grabbed the clippers and said she wanted a strip shaved off of her hair in my honor. I was horrified and tried to stop her, but was unable to. She ended up not stopping with the one strip, and instead shaved her entire head. I want to go on OFFICIAL record that I did not ask her to or put her up to it. She did it just to keep me company. We then tried on some hats, and I think she looks young and beautiful with her whole face showing.

After we were done, F had to leave and D and I stayed up way too late watching "Mama Mia". I love how beautiful the older women are in the movie- they are so confident and full of life. It was actually a fun evening. We mixed up our hair and put a little into two baggies and agreed to meet when we're in our 80's and throw the hair into the ocean and talk about how long ago this time right now is. I am reminded that this will be behind me one day, and it will lose it's intense power over me.

I wore the wig again today and I really, really don't like how it feels. I feel like I'm in disguise in it. It looks great, and I like how I look in it, but I don't want to be in disguise. Finally, after picking the girls up, I could stand it no longer so I took it off when I was stopped at a red light and I put on the buff. I've been wearing that all evening and it just feels so much better. In spite of it all, I'll be wearing the wig again tomorrow. I'm just not ready to go without it yet. Not sure what is going on there, but I am giving myself time and permission to move at my own pace with all of this.