NEEDLES SUCK!!! And GRATITUDE

1/28/09

Well, I'm getting more experience with holding a plan loosely in case it needs to change. Another 10 minute blood draw today turned into a 2 hour stay at the doctor's office. My white cell count is low, and my red cells are a bit low, I have a urinary tract infection- my first ever, and I was dehydrated and still nauseous (that is a hard word to spell! and I never know for sure if it's nauseous or nauseated- any grammar buffs out there know?) So, Nurse Zach "accessed my port", which is nurse-speak for he stuck a one inch needle through my upper chest and into the port-a-cath, which is supposed to be easier than a regular IV. Only today he missed the first time so it just felt like someone was sticking a one inch needle into my chest. There were two sweet elderly men sitting nearby getting chemo, and I yelled out and cussed and then just cried and I startled them and I've NEVER seen these guys startled before, much less even awake looking. I startled some of the staff too and they were all so very sweet. I think I startled myself a bit too. I just can't hold in my emotions and I HATE being stuck with needles. I got the blood draw right before and yet another shot afterwards. I have to have 2 more shots over the next 2 days to boost my white blood cells. Next time they will just do the one super shot. I got some anti-nausea medicine in the IV, so the good news is when I left I had more of an appetite. I had a good dinner tonight of beef stew, salad, and avocado. I treated my self to lunch at Sweet Life and a yummy muffin to cheer myself up a bit. It didn't help much. It was recommended that I have wheat grass to boost my iron. Anyone have any ideas or tips or good sources for getting some wheat grass? I'm supposed to eat beets too, but my stomach just won't tolerate them right now.

Ok, time to go to my gratitude list. I am SO happy that they are checking my blood each week and that they can catch these things that are wrong before they go too far and get too serious. Right now these things just cause me discomfort, but no real harm. The urinary thing kept me up much of the night, so I know I am tired now and things always look bad when I'm tired. I am SO grateful that they were able to give me fluids since I have been too sick to drink much. And the anti-nausea stuff they gave me is supposed to last 5 days. They are trying really hard to keep me healthy enough to keep my chemo schedule on track. That is a plan that I should practice holding loosely. I've got it stuck in my mind that my last treatment is on April Fool's Day, but I know that could get delayed if I get sick. I am visualizing HEALTH through the next few months for myself.

Work was nice. Even though I was exhausted and not feeling too well and sad, I went in this afternoon and got to do my new, temporary job of phone screenings. It is actually kind of relaxing sitting in my office and talking on the phone. I wouldn't want to do it forever, but it is a perfect pace for now. One I did today was kind of hard and long, and even though I felt crappy, I found myself still enjoying the work. It is so nice to feel useful and to feel like I'm doing something important in the world.

I am overwhelmed and deeply touched by the generosity of so many people. I got a really cool head scarf today from a co-worker who made it for me. I LOVE how I look in it- sort of tough and feminine at the same time. I think I look a little like a biker chick and it makes me laugh to see myself because I've always sort of glamorized bikers' lifestyles, but am nowhere near being a biker and this gives me a little alter-ego to have fun with. And, many, many different friends are planning fundraisers for both me and another young woman in my community who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. The fundraisers are very creative and cool and I am so honored to be part of such a compassionate, creative, hip community. Moving back to Eugene after getting divorced was one of the best decisions I've ever made for myself. I remember praying and checking in with my intuition about that move, and I clearly got the message that this would be the best place to raise my girls and to be a single parent. Tonight I don't feel quite so single- I feel wrapped up by a big village.