Sunday, February 1, 2009

Back to Running!

The weekend turned out to be a good one. I have felt quite good for the past 3 days. I went for a walk/run today and it felt great! I ran for half a mile and walked for a mile. I also got some soccer coaching from F and played with the girls with the soccer ball and a bit of basketball. The run was interesting. My lungs felt fine, my arm was fine, and my breast didn't hurt, but my leg muscles felt so weak. We went to the mall afterwards and my legs were just aching while I was walking around. It felt like I had just run a hard 5 miles. So, I've got a ways to go to get back into shape. Right now I am just so grateful that in the middle of chemo I'm still able to have some active days.

I've been wearing the buff head scarf thing all weekend, and I am comfortable in it now. I still have a bit of self-consciousness out in public, but not much. I got two new ones that I really like- one pink and one red. I still have some hair stubble, but it is getting thinner and thinner every day. I still have just as much leg hair as ever, and I still have my finger nails!! Yeah! Life is good.

This morning was a bit hard. I've been trying really hard to focus on just one day at a time, and to be grateful for the days when I feel good. But, today I was moving around under a cloud of dread about the next chemo. It is so hard to be feeling good for just a few days and to know that it will be gone again soon. I don't think I'm as freaked out as last time, but I am scared again, and full of dread. It's like all the fun I have been having this weekend was happening underneath a cliff with a giant boulder poised to crush me. I find myself looking up all the time, wondering if the fun is about to be over.

The girls had a happy weekend and have seemed very peaceful and kind with each other. It is so nice to just get to hang out with them and play with them. I think that's what I miss the most when I'm in the chemo cave- not being able to really be present with the girls.

I planted some bulbs this weekend and I'm reminded of one of the quotes from the cottage. The one about being careful to mark the places where you've planted flowers because they can look like weeds when they first sprout. I know this cancer is like that- it looks like a big weed but some wonderful things are coming to me at the same time. I am so excited for spring and I can't wait to come home to a yard filled with flowers. I've been keeping pink roses in the house during my chemo week, and piling them up in a spot in the back yard when they get dry. My pile is quite big, and soon I'll put it in the compost bin and the chemo flowers will fertilize my garden this summer.

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