Softer and Slower

2/22/09

I had a rough weekend in terms of learning more lessons from cancer. The girls were away last night, so it was just me in the house. It was very quiet and I had time to reflect and think, probably too much time. I had a hard time sleeping. What did I reflect on? Partly the book I'm reading right now- "Eat, Pray, Love" I'm on the part where the woman is in India developing a spiritual practice. I realized last night that when I'm not busy and distracted by life is the time when I find to talk to God. I had a nice long conversation last night about lots of stuff, especially the state of my finger tips. I was asked recently what I want out of life when this is all over with. The thought that popped into my head was, "close, loving relationships". When I'm well, I focus so much of my time on getting through the day- getting the house cleaned, getting the chores done, getting the girls to do their homework, all in the mad rush to get them to bed and get my hour of alone time before bed. Today I was feeling so run down and tired and I had been missing them, so I just decided to try an experiment and slow down. I talked to God about what it would take for me to have close, loving relationships, and I guess I'm going to start finding out with the girls. I am very close to them, but I want to enjoy our time together in a different way. Today I tried to follow their lead. We ended up buying some art and material supplies and both girls created some clothes for the cats. They are in bed now, and the house is not in order as it usually is before bed. Instead, we've left some things out for them to come back to. I was softer with them today, and more at their pace. I took my time with Kaycee tonight, reading to her and tucking her in. She seemed to appreciate not being hurried off to bed. I sat with Karina for almost an hour and helped her with her homework. Before all this, the thought of slugging through 5th grade homework for an hour was the last thing I wanted to do. But tonight I focused on how lucky I am to be feeling well enough to participate with her homework. She seemed to appreciate the company and the help and we didn't fight at all like we sometimes do when homework gets frustrating.

I had the chance to participate today in an amazing womans' circle. It gave me a glimpse of how important relationships are to my quality of life. Again, it was a chance to slow down and really look at what matters in life. Lots to think about today.