Chemo Eve

2/17/09

I had another up and down today and these extreme emotions, and my mild cold, have left me exhausted. I was so very tired when I got up this morning. More nightmares- this time too awful to even write about- and awake again at 3:00 am. I made it into work and tried to get started, but couldn't bear sitting at my desk. I left for a bit, called my counselor and left a long, rambling message, called a friend and talked for a bit, then went for a drive. I got myself a good juice drink and a sweet treat to eat and went back in to work. I was able to work for a few hours, but then hit a wall and started crying again. It really sucks to cry at work, so I went for a walk. I walked around the blocks near the college campus, and the sun was shining and there were lots of young, vibrant college kids out walking too. All the signs of life cheered me up a bit and I was able to go back and work for a bit. I ended up calling Nurse Rugby to talk about tomorrow. He explained how the day would go and what exactly I'd be getting. Three different pre-medications in my IV- stuff for nausea, steroids, and benadryl. Then they want to put my hands and feet in ice and start the chemo. He said that one bad side effect is pain/numbness/tingling in the hands and feet that can last for months afterwards. The ice is supposed to reduce or eliminate that side effect. Well, sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't. I go in at 8:30 and I'll be done by 12:00. If I start to have any bad side effects right away, the chemo is stopped and I get a different kind. I told Nurse Rugby how nervous I was and he pointed out that I've done quite well so far and I'll probably continue to do quite well. My friend pointed out that I'm playing soccer in the middle of chemo. Ok, intellectually I know I'll be ok, but my emotions weren't buying it. I even prayed on the bathroom floor this morning and felt......nothing.

In the afternoon I went to the acupuncturist and started bawling in the car on the way over. Talked to F on the phone and he reminded me of how far I've come and of how far away I am from my surgeries and all the trauma of first getting the news. I got to my appointment and was still bawling and I realized that I was feeling the same way two weeks ago on the day before my last chemo. Just like then, I'm feeling pretty good physically and my body must think that's a great time to process emotions. She did a bunch of needle points for various things, and a really weird, cool thing for my cold. She took something called mugwort, which is kind of like a thick stick of incense, lit it, and put it into a metal tube called a tiger...something. She then rubbed the tube along my sinuses. It felt really good but smelled like pot. She then did some points for depression, just like last time. I was SO relaxed while the needles were in and I thought about how different acupuncture is than getting needles at the doctor's office. I sank into a light sleep and when I got up, I felt calm, tired, and refreshed.

It is evening now and my uncontrollable crying has stopped and I feel much better, just very tired. Not so nervous about tomorrow. Not sure how I'm going to cope with my hands and feet being in ice for an hour and a half. I'm bringing my own blankets and flax seed pillows for heat. I HATE being cold. How am I going to type, read, etc. with my hands trapped? Luckily D is going with me and also my new friend M will be there. I don't think I'd want to do this one alone. The kids are all taken care of for the next few days too. I bought flowers today, and have some from Valentine's day and my room is full of the most beautiful spring flowers and pink roses. I'm ready. As ready as I can be anyway. Time for BATTLE.