STOUT

2/11/09

Stout. My doctor called me stout today. What a funny word. I immediately pictured a German barmaid I remember from Octoberfest in Germany years ago. I was in a really crowded bear hall in Munich and this woman was beautiful and sturdy, with big boobs spilling out of her dress, and she was TOUGH! She could carry 5 full, huge bear mugs in each hand and maneuver her way through thick crowds of people to deliver them. She just sort of parted the crowd with her ample hips and plopped the mugs down. Whenever I hear the word "stout", that's what I picture.

I went in for my half-way visit with the doctor, whom I haven't really seen since he yanked my tube out. I asked why I was getting 8 rounds of chemo when other people I know at the cancer center are getting 6. He said that because I was stout, young, and healthy, I could tolerate a more dense dose, and that it would give me a better chance of survival. I knew this already, but was sort of hoping he'd tell me I could just have 6 doses and be done. I've never thought of myself as stout before, but maybe I am in some way?

I went in for acupuncture yesterday and she did several points for depression (meaning she stuck needles in my bald head- weird I know, but it just felt like a little finger flick, then nothing). She also did some points for bone marrow and for appetite. I left there and was craving a Spanky's Bowl from Laughing Planet. I got one, and also some beet-apple-carrot juice. It all tasted SO good and I ate way more than I've been eating lately. I woke up this morning feeling so joyful. Also nervous about my doctor visit. But my white cels were up to 16 (no more shots when they are above 10!!!) and I was just so happy not to be getting any shots. Somehow I was happy talking to the doctor. I didn't have any major side effects going on, and I was able to report that the chemo had been over all getting easier rather than harder on me. This is amazing to me. Amazing. I felt really good and healthy (and stout) talking to him. It still stank in the office like medical stuff, and I had to keep sniffing my flower essence that D gave me. Dr. T said he'd investigate the smell- none of the office staff can smell it.

We talked about what would happen after chemo. First I decide if I want to keep my ovaries and take a drug that starts with a T for 5 years. It may be associated with a big increase in uterine cancer. Or, I could decide to have my ovaries removed and take a different drug that stops my pancreas from creating estrogen. This option has a greater survival rate for people with my kind of cancer, and doesn't increase the rate of uterine cancer. I decided in about a minute to have my ovaries removed. This will happen after the last chemo, once my white blood cells are back to normal. Probably a few weeks after the last chemo and I'm thinking it will be somewhere around the third week in April. It will be a 45 minute surgery where Dr. T makes some small incisions in my sides and clip/sucks them out somehow. He said the recovery is way easier than after breast surgery, but that I wouldn't want to play soccer for a bit because I'd be sore. The first time, way back, when he mentioned having my ovaries removed, I remember sobbing and feeling so sad. The thought of going through menopause sucked and scared me, and the thought of another surgery terrified me. But today, I was able to hold on to my good mood and so far I'm not bothered by it. The surgery doesn't scare me right now and losing my ovaries doesn't even bother me. I've already been having hot flashes at night (it's gross- I wake up soaking wet and bathed in sweat), but it's really not a huge big deal in the grand scheme of things. Dr. T asked me again to consider whether or not I wanted to have more children before deciding, and he went on to describe what can be done to preserve fertility. There is NO WAY I would want to put my body through a pregnancy after going through breast cancer, and I think I'd lose my mind if I had a third child to raise, so I told him again that I was really, really done having kids.

My good mood is still with me, even though I'm exhausted and the kids gave me hell again tonight and I lost my temper. I LOVE acupuncture and have a strong sense that that is what is helping me to feel over all pretty good. The acupuncturist listened while I described the possible side effects from the next chemo, then she pointed out to me that only some people get them and that they have to list all of the side effects anyone has ever gotten. Dr. T went over them again with me today and he said the same thing. He also said if the side effects suck too bad, he would stop that type of chemo and switch to another one. I'm still not thrilled with the 5 doses of oral steroids before each treatment (not even my good mood can cushion that), but I keep telling myself it'll only be for two months.

He also talked to me about radiation. I will meet with a radiation doctor and have another CT scan and a mathematical formula will be used to determine exactly how may days and how much radiation I will get. Dr. T said it will probably be between 5 and 6 weeks, beginning somewhere around the beginning of May. Looking at my calendar, I should be done by June 12th, my birthday!! This is way sooner than I had originally thought, so I'm really happy. I should be done with everything just in time to enjoy summer!!!!

Ok, the fatigue has won over. Time to stop for the night.