Not Ready Yet

2/9/09

I've been waiting to feel better before reading about the next type of chemo I'll be getting. I was feeling better so I read about it a few minutes ago. It's called taxotere and I imagine it being toxictear because it sounds horrible. I had to laugh, though, because one of the side effects is hair loss. But, the steroids I'll be taking along with it have a side effect of hair growth. Maybe I'll get even more bald, but grow a beard. Could be fun! Yeah, right. This one has the nail loss side effect too, so I may not be in the clear yet. I also have the opportunity for hand and foot rash and pain, bloating weight gain, and fatigue. Maybe I should have waited to read about this till after it was over. I'm not feeling too positive at the moment. Oh, the other funny thing was when to call the doctor while taking steroids. It says if I'm experiencing stressful events while on the steroids, i should call. I guess I'll be calling him every day!

On a more positive note, I went to a make-up class at the cancer center where we got lessons on how to look beautiful and feel good during cancer treatment. We also got a free, very nice bunch of makeup and skin care stuff. I feel bad for noticing, but the group was a bunch of women quite a bit older than me and the facilitator asked if she could help me when I entered the room, like I didn't belong there. I so badly wanted to say I was in the wrong place, but it turns out I did belong there. The women were all very nice and friendly. One woman came in late, and she was about my age. She had just started her first chemo. She and I were the only ones with hair (I wore the wig) and I kept checking her out to see if her hair was a wig or not. Turns out it was her own hair that she hadn't lost yet. The woman helping me with my make-up pushed my hair back to get to my forehead and was surprised to see that it was a wig. All the ladies said they thought it was my real hair. Then they all wanted to touch it. They all said nice things about how pretty it was. I told them a bit of my wig story and passed around a picture of how I used to look about a million years ago. I now own a 12 step guide on how to put on makeup. It was kind of fun, but my face felt like it weighed a million pounds and I felt better when I washed it off at home later. I did get some stuff that I can use. I also noticed my first wrinkles on my face today. I knew I'd get wrinkles some day, but today was not a good day for it. In fact, if they could have waited till next year, that would have been best. Oh well, I guess I don't get to choose the timing on anything.

I had my nice hot stone massage and it was wonderful. And my back is back to hurting again tonight. And I'm still losing weight. Today I brought a lunch to work, and my stomach was telling my brain that it was hungry, but my mouth was saying no way am I going to eat. I was finally able to eat a bit around 4. I can still spare another 15 pounds or so before I look emaciated, so I'm ok.

I wish I could cheer up. I've got a week and a half of down time and over all, I'm feeling pretty good for being half way through chemo. I thought it would be a lot harder than it's been so far. So of course I'm dreading the next go round, thinking that NOW is when it will get hard. Surely I'm not going to sail through this. Well, I haven't exactly been sailing, but it's been way better than I imagined. I read a cool quote recently- something like "You never know how strong you are until you have no choice but to be strong." I like that one.