Half Way Party!

2/4/09



Yesterday was a hard day, and today is an easier one so far. Yesterday I was able to sleep without a sleeping pill, but I woke up early in the morning to bad nightmares about getting chemo again. In my dream I had to bring the girls with me, and Nurse Rugby was jabbing at my chest with a needle while the girls were bouncing off the walls and I was trying to get them under control while screaming from the needles. I was all hooked up and I said I was leaving to go to the bank. I left and got lost in the fog. I left my car and was walking through the woods with an IV hooked up to me. It was foggy and muddy and creepy. I didn’t want to find my way back to the office, but I needed to get the kids. I finally could see the building way across a muddy creek. Some creepy guys came out of the fog and offered to show me the way. They sort of seemed like vampires. Anyway, I woke up scared and super sad. I had a hard time getting ready for the day and finally just got back into bed and cried and cried and called a friend. The girls came in all concerned about who was going to get them to school. I had about 10 minutes to cry, then I had to suck it up and get them to school and myself to work.

Work was a nice distraction until afternoon when I was all caught up. Then the tears came again and I had to get out of the office for a little bit. I went to a park to eat my lunch and again had no appetite and couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t really figure out why I was so sad. Physically I’m feeling quite well. One of my wise woman suggested to me that maybe since I’m doing well physically, my body has time and energy to process all my emotions. She said if I feel my emotions now, then I won’t have to un-stuff them years down the road and feel them then. Ok, that makes sense. But it’s not too convenient to be trying to get kids off to school and to be functional at work when I can’t stop crying. I finally got home and took ¼ of an ativan, and it calmed me down. I also went to my mind/body class- the last one, and it was nice and relaxing. We drew pictures at the first class and again last night. It really made me reflect. The first one was a picture of how I see myself now, drawn right before my first chemo. Last night I drew myself again how I see myself. A few months ago I saw myself as a chaotic, fearful mess. Last night I saw myself as calm and pretty and carried along in a big red heart. There were needles and storm clouds outside the heart, but I was sheltered from them.

Today is my half way treatment. I brought D along to help keep me calm when the needle goes in my port. She brought me some stuff to numb my skin. It didn’t help too much. I begged the nurse to get it on the first try. And I tried the positive visualization that I’ve kind of forgotten about. I brought my Himalayan salt crystal lamp and it’s sitting on the table next to me lit up and beautiful. There are 4 other people surrounding me, getting chemo also. They all commented on the lamp and seemed to like it. I explained that it gives off negative ions (whatever that means) and that it’s supposed to make us all feel good, like we’re sitting next to a waterfall. I also brought my beads that my brother gave me from a Buddhist monastery retreat he went on. They feel nice in my hand and make me feel peaceful. I also have my crystals with me, and my Alanon coin, and a chestnut seed with the word “hope” on it. The seed was a gift from a woman in my class.

The needle went in on the first try today! It still hurt, but D sang to me and kept me distracted, so it wasn’t so scary. Plus, I took more ativan this morning. My new best friend. The first bag of chemo is dripping away as I type this. Nurse Rugby played the crystal bowl again, even though the room is so full. I think the other people liked it too. I am wearing a soft pink scarf right now that is covered in rose/sandalwood essential oil. It is wrapped under my nose so I can avoid the nasty medical smells. The rose is supposed to be healing, and the sandalwood is supposed to be grounding. It reminds me a little bit of the day Kaycee and I rode our bikes through the rose garden when it was in full bloom. It smelled so good!

Time to unplug so I can use the bathroom.