Emotions

2/16/09

I'm discovering that it's possible (but feels weird) to feel two opposite emotions at the same time. I've been on the verge of tears all day yesterday and today, although I can't really say why. It's been a nice weekend. I've been feeling good, I had an AWESOME date on Valentine's Day, and I've been able to spend lots of time with the girls doing fun things. I even slept well last night- no sleeping pill. Although I did have another crazy dream where the bad guys were chasing me and trying to stab my breasts with needles. They finally got me and began stabbing me, and the needles held a deadly poison, but it turns out I had had a double mastectomy, so they were just stabbing my fake boobs. Weird, weird, weird. I woke up and had a terrible sore throat and stuffed up nose and my eyes felt all weird, like when I've been crying. I think it's a cold trying to take hold. I got my self back to sleep by telling myself over and over again, "Sleep is for healing. Sleep is when I heal." I'm so sick of having a nightmare every time I don't take a sleeping pill. I wish I could control my dreams!

I woke up this morning and I had no energy and just felt so sad. I felt like I could have just stayed in bed all day. Which sucked because I had this grand idea of taking the girls on a day trip to the beach since we had no other plans and a free day off. I decided not to do that today, but I knew if I stayed in bed I'd just be sad, so I got up and took the girls out to a yummy brunch and we went roller blading a little bit. It was way too cold and I was way too tired, and it didn't cheer me up any. But, I know that it's WAY better to be sad outside on roller blades with kids than it is to be sad in bed with the door shut. I stopped off and got another beet/veggie drink and am drinking it now hoping it will perk me up. F tells me that I need to have lower expectations of my body right now. I suppose he's right, but I hate it. And, it's hard when I've got two active kids who are used to me being active with them.

So many friends have gotten together and had some fundraisers for me and the girls. Again, the duel feelings. I am SO GRATEFUL for this, and I'm a bit embarrassed to be someone who needs a fundraiser. I went to the bank today to deposit some of the money and I felt like such an impostor. It's the same feeling I had at the Y when I was asking for a scholarship. I feel like I'm lying about having breast cancer. It still seems so unreal to me and so far removed from who I am that to get money from people for medical bills feels really, really weird. Of course I am so very grateful, because the bills come on an almost daily basis, along with the insurance statements. I tidied my room yesterday and put all the bills and insurance statements together in a folder and there must be about a hundred pieces of paper there. It's really unbelievable. Sometimes I feel like I'm at a place of acceptance, and other times I feel so disconnected from this, like I am really still me and I'm trapped away somewhere and there is this impostor walking around in my body having cancer. I wish she'd take a hike so I can have myself back. I especially want my energy level back and my sunny outlook on life. I'm so restless right now. I want to be hiking Spencer's Butte, but instead I'm back in bed again and my body just wants to stay right here forever.

I'm starting to get nervous about the next round on Wednesday. This new stuff has a good chance of causing an allergic reaction, so they automatically give benedryl with it- I can't spell it and I've never taken it, but I hear it causes drowsiness. They give this next chemo slowly over half and hour, then wait to see if there is going to be a reaction, then give the rest of it. I have this irrational fear that it could kill me. It would really, really suck to die getting chemo in one of those gross chemo chairs. I know it's irrational, but it's a fear that's there any way. And, I HATE that feeling of being all doped up and not in control of myself. I hate not knowing how I'm going to react and when I'm going to feel better. This is extreme powerlessness. Which I know means I should be turning over my fears and the next few days to God. And I will. Once I'm done trying to manage it all.