Sunday, December 7, 2008

Sucking it up

12/7/08

"Suck it up and drive on!" is a term used in the army when someone is whining about being tired or cold or hungry or what ever and the sergeant is yelling at the person in order to "motivate" him to keep going. I use it with Kaycee sometimes when she is whining about cleaning her room, and she will sometimes cry, "I know I need to suck it up Mama, but its hard!"

I'm learning to not "suck it up" ("it" being the emotion and the sucking being the stuffing of the emotion) but to keep driving on. The pain in my arm has released some more grief for me, and led me to reach out some more for help. Not too long after my earlier posting, a friend loaned me two great flax seed pillows, which she delivered and heated up and I have had on my arm on and off throughout the day. Then my mom let me know that she ordered a big one for me- thanks mom!

The kids went off today, Kaycee was not having a good morning at all, but she went anyway. I was in bed trying to rest when the pain came again. I ended up having two friends over for most of the afternoon and it was just so very nice having company and having kind people take care of me. Thank you D and R for your companionship and your kindness. Before they came over, I started crying and couldn't stop again. The same thing happened last night. I have been trying so hard to do the positive visualizations and have been picturing me paddling my kayak with two good strong arms. But, once the pain kicks in its very hard to hold this image and it gets replaced with fears that this pain might be permanent. I called the doctor on call again at 1:00 in the morning and he said that it is probably being caused by the drain tube being placed in a way that aggravates the nerves and that once the tube comes out, the pain would probably be gone. This made sense to me today, because whenever the clots are squeezed to break them up, I get the zinging feeling in my arm.

I tried to be done with the pain medication today, but it didn't work. I looked back at my old postings to see where I was at last time on day 3 after the surgery, and while I was off pain medication, I still hadn't left the house yet. The difference last time was that my surgery was on a Tuesday and by Saturday I had my first outing. This time surgery was on Thursday and I've been in bed all weekend. I'm working on being patient and letting the healing happen. D told me that as a general rule, people need one week per day spent in the hospital to recover. Ok, as long as I know its going to end, I can wait. Although a part of me doesn't want the drain to be removed because once its removed, that means I can start chemotherapy and I'm not too thrilled about that.

A friend at work gave me an image that has been so helpful- she said to picture chemo and other medications as just washing through my body, doing their job, and washing out again. I've been drinking a LOT of water in hopes of flushing all the medication out of my system and I like the thought that it isn't staying in there.

The surgery was different this time because it was so early in the morning and I didn't have any other stuff to do first. Once I got checked in, it went very fast. I had the sudden inspiration to ask the anesthesiologist to do my IV instead of the nurse, and I visualized good, plump veins again, and it was the easiest IV ever- just barely a prick and it was done. He put in some Verced which left me fully aware, but very calm. I remember going into the operating room and being introduced to everyone and not being afraid. I had told the doctor and my nurse my fears and past experience in recovery, and someone made it a point to share this information with the recovery room nurse and she was such an angel. When I woke up the curtains were drawn around me and while I don't remember much, I do remember her kind, calm voice and very little pain. They also let me keep a few things in my hand right into the operating room, and she put them back into my hand right when I woke up- a picture of me with Kaycee and Karina in my childhood fort, and my lavender crystal. They didn't make fun of me or anything- just made sure I was safe and comfortable. After recovery I went straight to my hospital room where my friend D and my sponsor, B, were waiting. They tell me now that they were both in there for a few hours, but I only remember a few minutes. At some point my boyfriend F came in and I remember him reading to me from the "Succulent Wild Woman" book and laughing at his joke about reading the "Succulent Wild Man" book next. I remember him rubbing my feet and not much else. He was there for a few hours too I"m told. I remember the kindest nurse and nurse assistant coming in and out. I was not physically comfortable at all, and the bed was very narrow (well, compared to my king sized bed anyway). D stayed the night with me in the hospital room and she must have adjusted my bed and my pillows for me 50 times throughout the night. I remember thinking that she would get tired of me asking, but she never did. Nurses are such patient, caring people. I remember being really thirsty and having a sore throat from the tube being in there during surgery. I drank so much water, and I kept having to get up to go to the bathroom. Which sucked because it was usually just when the bed and pillows finally got adjusted right. I had to have someone help me get my underwear off each time, and then back on again. It is pretty humbling to get to a place where you've got to rely on another human being to put your undies on and off. It is also a place of extreme gratitude for those people.
I've got the car sick feeling. More later.

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