The Bald Trigger

12/10/08

Ok, I talked it over with B and maybe figured out what my big aversion is to having my head shaved. Aside from the regular aversion any woman would feel (except, of course, Annie Lennox and Sinead O'Connor), shaved heads are a huge army memory trigger for me. When I went into basic training, the men were sent through one door and the women through another of a huge processing building. Inside we were "processed" into the military, given uniforms, boots, dog tags, and everything we needed to become soldiers. We were spit out the other side of the building to wait in a big holding area. I could see all the young men going in the entrance, in various styles of dress, with a wide variety of hair cuts- some long, some short, some curly, some mohawks, etc. All of the guys were very young- 18 or so, many were pimply faced, and all were terrified. We young women felt the same too, and were going through the same thing, with one exception. We weren't getting our heads shaved. The men-boys came out the other side completely bald. They looked sick, scared, and terrible. Their army issue glasses stuck out, their ears stuck out, their pimples stuck out, their adam's apples stuck out. We were all herded through that building with a bunch of drill sergeants yelling at us and making us do push-ups, so there was an air of fear and confusion. It reminded me at the time of scenes I had seen in movies of how the Nazi's would process people into concentration camps. I know, I know, this is extreme, but my imagination is vivid and out of my control most of the time.

So, what I realized today is that I have a lot of fear related to that experience around having my head shaved. I have a picture of it being a chaotic, loud, terrible experience. I called a salon today and talked to the owner about it. She was incredibly kind and gentle with me. So much so that I started crying on the phone. It was embarrassing, but she just got more patient with me and really took her time. In the army, I would have been doing push-ups and getting yelled at for crying. This woman explained that I would come in first and she would help me select a wig. She would be able to match my style and color if that's what I wanted. Then, when I was ready, I would come back and she would shave it in the back room, and I would leave with the wig on. I know this experience is NOT going to be like what I saw in basic training. I am also going tomorrow to look at some scarves and hats that the cancer society gives away. It's going to be ok. I am going to keep my hair in some sort of pretty, silky bag and figure out some sort of ritual to do with it later. I might like to get all dressed up and go out with friends the evening I have it done. Or I might go home and cry. or I might do both. I might ask a friend or two to sit with me during the shaving, or I might do it alone. I don't know yet.

After spending the morning in bed, I got up and got a shower and got dressed. I went for another walk. A friend from work stopped by and walked with me and she had bought the SAME shoes as me- the ones designed by the teenaged cancer survivor. She put them on and I put mine on and it was so incredibly nice to be outside. It was a beautiful winter day today. I got home and was full of energy. I've been working my arm throughout the day. I was able to clean up the house a bit, run the vacuum, and even do a load of laundry, including folding and putting away! I hit the exhausted, pain wall around 7:00 and Kaycee and I crawled into bed and watched Frosty the Snowman. Karina got to go to a women's Duck basketball practice and out to dinner with the coach (she was SO thrilled!), so Kaycee and i got some much needed alone time. Karina and I have some special time planned for tomorrow evening.

The day started out pretty dark, but has ended with me in a place of peace, acceptance, and hope.