The Next Step

12/10/08

One day at a time is a very common saying in Alanon. Its what's been getting me through the past month. If I focus only on the next test, or the next doctor's appointment, it keeps things more manageable for me. Since Thursday, I've just been focuses on resting and keeping my pain under control. My arm pain has eased up so much that I have been able to slow down on the pain medication. As my arm pain decreases, I've begun to notice the pain in the other areas- my breast and the area where the port is in place. But, this is mostly annoying pain, not crying pain, so it is not too bad. I still feel like I have to walk slowly so as not to jiggle anything.

The flax bags have helped so much. I am astounded at how quickly I got 4 very nice ones. One even came from a woman who has never read my blog and had no idea I wanted one. She just made one out of the blue for me, and it just happened to be exactly as I'd described in my blog. I'm liking this act of putting a need out to the universe and having the universe provide for me.

I got out of the house for the first time yesterday. First, I went into my backyard and touched the grass with my bare foot. It is so cold now! Then, I went to my mind/body class last night. The car ride was hard- the bumps aggravated my pain, and I took another pill once I got there. I really hate the groggy, out of touch feeling the pills give me, but I was determined to go to this class. We learned a second breathing technique and a great relaxation technique. During the guided relaxation, I was able to get back into the same type of zone I was in during the MRI. No great visions this time though- I think the drugs interfere with those. But, I was so calm and peaceful by the end and I slept quite well last night. I was able to get my own shirt off last night without help! Some occupational therapist friends from work visited yesterday and I got some tips on how to dress and undress using my good arm. And, I'm getting better and better and being a lefty- I can eat without spilling too much now!

I'm waiting now for F to pick me up for my doctor's appointment. The doc will look at the drain today and I'm hoping that it'll be time for it to come out. Not much is draining now, so either I'm almost done, or its clogged up somewhere. The drain comes out of my body under my arm and near my back, so I can't see where it starts unless I'm in front of a mirror and I twist around. But, I'm not doing any twisting these days, so I'm not sure what's happening with it. It really freaks me out to picture it stitched into my skin, so I haven't tried very hard to look at it. I also may get the pathology results today if they're back. This is where I learn about what was found in my lymph nodes, meaning how many other nodes (if any) had cancer in them. I think the type of chemotherapy I get is dependent on what is discovered in my nodes. I am visualizing cancer free nodes so I can have less aggressive chemotherapy. I'm visualizing the type of chemo that kills all the cancer, but spares my hair. I thought at first that I wouldn't mind too much losing my hair, but as the possibility gets closer, it turns out that I do mind. I am really hoping that I will have at least a few days when I'm healed up from the surgery enough to get outside and enjoy some holiday activities before I start chemo. I've heard from a few women recently who have had pretty positive chemo experiences, so I'm visualizing that for me too. Although I'm dreading beginning, I'm also eager to start so I can be finished that much sooner.

I looked at my body yesterday. It's hard to look, but it's my body and I've got to keep loving it. My thoughts are so impulsive- they always go to the sensationalism first, then I have to rein them in. When I looked, a flashing neon movie title flashed through my head: "SLASHER!" But, I pushed that aside and really looked. I have a small scar on the upper left part of my chest and a small bump where the port is located under the skin. Its covered with steri-strips right now. I have the same scar on my breast as before, covered in steri-strips. The difference is that its raised up now and puckered and swollen and red. I have a long scar under my arm that I can't really see too well because I can't raise up my arm. It looks like that area is purple from bruising. And I have the tube hanging down my back. I can kind of pretend I'm the bionic woman-I have parts that are not my own that will make me stronger, faster, blah blah blah.

Ok, let me end on a positive note so the universe can create for me what I want for myself: I AM HEALTHY, WHOLE, HEALED, AND BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!