Monday, December 15, 2008

Snow Delay


It snowed and snowed today, beginning at about 1:00 in the morning, when I was tossing and turning, unable to sleep. Lot's of soreness, swelling, and discomfort in the area around the drain last night. I can't sleep on my side and last night it was hard to sleep on my back. Finally gave up and watched a chick flick until about 2:00, then went to sleep. I realized that there would be no school, so I didn't set the alarm. Woke up to screaming, crazy kids and they went out to play while I went back to sleep. They were cold and tired by about 9:00, so I finally had to get up. Walked out of my calm, peaceful bedroom into a house full of wet shoes, boots, socks, pants, shirts, gloves, scarves, jackets, etc, strewn throughout the living room and dining room. The kitchen was full of pots of snow and half a bottle of pricey, real maple syrup had been dumped into the pots. They were making candy. Kaycee was cold and upset that the snow was too dry to make a decent snow man and both girls were really, really wanting me to get dressed and come out to play with them. Last year on the first snow day I put chains on and we loaded up the sleds and found some great hills and played and played outside for most of the day. Today I woke up tired, drained, and in pain and irritated at the mess. Every surface, from the counters to the cupboards to the door knobs to the floor, was sticky with maple syrup. I got the girls breakfast, asked them to please clean up, and went back to bed. What a drag. It must be such a bummer to them to have me so un-energetic. They were both a little pissed at me, but they mostly cleaned up and let me sleep some. I was hoping to keep my doctor's appointment today so I could see what's happening with the drain- I think it's gotten clogged up again. But, he had an emergency surgery during my appointment and the only other time, I was told, was 30 minutes from when I was talking with them on the phone. There was no way I could get the girls together, find a ride, and get across town in the snow in that amount of time. I changed the appointment to tomorrow morning. Not sure if I'll make it with the snow and possibly the kids out of school again. Kind of nervous and relieved about the delay- just that much longer to keep my hair. I only have two people that I'm comfortable enough to ask for help unclogging the drain- my best friend and my boyfriend. I asked the boyfriend to come over and work on unclogging the drain. Such romance. Just before he got here, I was trying to take a nap when Karina began screaming about a dead bird in the hallway. I really, really didn't want to get out of bed to see what was going on, but I had to. Karina was in her room, peering out the door. Kaycee was screeching nearby. Grace the cat had a bird in her mouth and was growling. The bird was not dead. I somehow got the bird into the bathroom and shut the door. I thought about how I'm supposed to be having limited stress so I can be zen-like and full of healing energy. Somehow life happens and doesn't stop for anything, not even cancer. Thankfully God is kind and F showed up and dealt with the bird while we all hid in our rooms. He then stuck around and worked on unclogging the drain. This is done by pinching the tube with one hand, near where it is coming out of my body and squeezing all the gunk down the tube with the other hand. It really, really sucks. It hurts so bad, and my entire arm hurt today just from him touching the drain. The pulling sensation is atrocious. I cussed and cried and yelled and we got through it. We have interesting "dates". The boyfriend must be a saint- he keeps coming back!

Last night was hard because I finished the book, "Cancer is a Bitch", and was feeling so emotional at the end. It's a great book, and I really related to the author's sense of humor and so many of her reactions to cancer and to her kids were so similar to mine. But, it ended with her having some thing on her liver and a cyst on her kidney and having to go in a few times a year for check ups and always wondering if and when and where the cancer might pop up in her body. And, one of her friends had a different kind of cancer at the same time and died. And, I've run into a few people these last few weeks who don't really know what to say to me, so they tell me stories about a sister's best friend's mother's aunt who died from breast cancer and sometimes they even sprinkle in a few horrid details. Or sometimes people will offer me unsolicited medical advice about what I should or should not be doing. So far I just kind of stand there frozen and horrified and feeling awful and not knowing what to say. What I really want to say is "Shut the F... up! I'm sending positive thoughts only into the universe so only positive things will come back to me and you're messing up my concentration!" But, I'm too polite or something, so I say nothing. My sponser helped me today to work on a few polite, short phrases to protect my fragile emotions and get people to stop spouting off crap. I'll work on it. Or I won't leave the house. Or something. I walked into a crowded restaurant this weekend and had the image of a flashing neon sign above my head blaring out "BREAST CANCER". But then I looked at the people in the restaurant and realized that to them, I looked perfectly normal. It felt kind of good to be somewhere anonymous where no one knew about me. At the same time, it also feels good to be surrounded by people who do know and who love me anyway. Even the people who make the insensitive comments I know mean no harm. I think sometimes people just don't know what to say. I know that the few experiences I've had with people I've know who have gotten some sort of horrible diagnosis, I haven't known what to say either. Cancer is awkward, messy, inconvenient, inconsiderate, and irrational.

I took some pain medication, which I had hoped to be done with, and took a nap. The girls let me sleep for a whole hour, and when I got up, we made a ginger bread house together. It was the end of the night, but we finally, finally got a little bit of normal, sweet, family bonding time together. I love those girls- they are so resilient and full of energy and life. I hope they are in school tomorrow!

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