More Emotions??!!

12/11/08

What a weird day yesterday. I got home feeling great and motivated. Karina went with me for my first walk. I think we were both a little surprised at how slow I needed to go. I hadn't had any pain medication since before the dr. appt, and I began hurting half way through the walk. But, it was SO nice to be outside, and it was a beautiful, clear, crisp day. When we got home, there was a nice surprise- a friend had sent a cleaning lady for me! I had a lot of visitors in the afternoon, and I was pretty talkative, but at some point, I hit a wall and got so exhausted and was in pain, so I took some more medication and laid down for a bit. Once the kids were in bed and everyone was gone, I realized that I was very, very sad. And I realized that I was feeling so guilty for feeling sad, so I kept trying to stuff the sad away and regain the happy from earlier. Of course it was a losing battle, and I cried and cried. I think I was crying for my hair and for the drain coming out soon and for the no more operations. All of these things mean that chemo is starting soon. I have as much fear of chemo as I did of the surgeries. So of course I know that I will get through it just as I did the surgeries, and it probably won't be as bad as the fear of the unknown. But, that knowledge doesn't make a bit of difference to my emotions so the tears came anyway. I stood in front of the mirror and tried to imagine what I'll look like with no hair. I discovered that there is no way to imagine it- I have no idea. And it doesn't really matter- I am still me, no matter what I look like. And, it will be a temporary condition. But again, my intellect was powerless over my emotions last night. No matter how much of a positive spin I put on how cool a wig could be- dream hair and all- it still really, really, really SUCKS! And, of course I'm IMMENSELY grateful for the chemo because I know it is my chance at surviving cancer and living a long, healthy life and getting to know my grandkids and maybe even my great grandkids. The girls overheard some of my wig/hat/scarf talk and they are mortified to think I would consider a wig that made me look totally different- they want me to look just the same. The truth is, I want to look just the same too. I want to BE just the same. But, even without the cancer, life never lets us remain stagnant.