Last Day

12/23/08

Today is my last chemo free day. I woke up too early and can't get back to sleep. I first got a call yesterday from the dr.'s office asking me if I realized that I was going in for my first chemo appointment on Christmas Eve. Well DUH!!! Of course I realized that. I've been stressing about that for quite some time. I was told that it might be better for me to wait till next Monday because if I have any complications, there won't be anyone in the office for the next 4 days. Oh great, I thought. I had actually come to a point of acceptance about my start date. My family is in town to watch the kids, and the girls will be distracted by Christmas. If I wait till Monday, my family will be gone and the kids are still out of school and I'd have to find someone to watch them. Besides, what about all that stuff Dr. T said about how I needed to start as soon as possible? I told them I wanted to stick to my original start date. A little bit later, another call from the rugby nurse asking if I realized that I was starting chemo on Christmas Eve. AARRRGGGHHHH! Of course I realize it! He asked if I wanted to come in a little bit earlier so I could be done earlier. So, now I'm having my acupuncture appointment at 8:30, then heading straight over to the chemo place afterwards. I had myself reassured that maybe it wouldn't be so bad and maybe I'd be one of the ones who sailed right through with little side effects. But, the dr.'s office reminded me about how I needed to be SURE to have all of my anti-nausea medicine on hand and to be SURE to take it properly so I don't get sick. I have been a little sick this past week with a cold, and I'm very scared about being sick during this. I just can't interact well and take good care of the girls when I'm sick. I'm nervous about having them out of school and home with me all next week, with my family gone. I know I've got people to call for help, but it gets hard to keep asking. And besides, what I really want is for me to get to spend this time off with them. I get to missing them and I get to missing our fun times together when I'm in bed and they're gone.

My drain is still in. Still draining too much to get taken out. I called the office yesterday to INSIST that they take it out. They said no. I had D come last night to unclog it. It was so clogged up that it began leaking out of the incision. She worked on it for a LONG time and while I'm grateful, it totally SUCKED. We took a cookies and milk break in between and that was nice. Karina made a bunch of great Christmas cookies and I'm not holding back at all on the sweets, so I ate a bunch and thoroughly enjoyed them. I thought about starting to exercise a little bit and I got around to clearing all the junk off of my weight bench, but ran out of energy before I could actually put weights on and get started. I had the thought that once chemo starts and once the drain is taken out, I might actually begin to feel better than I have been feeling. This drain is a real drag and it's slowing down and making me cautious of my body. That and my arm isn't all better yet. I've been going to extra Alanon meetings, and everyone hugs afterwards, and I've been trying to protect that side, but people are enthusiastic this time of year so I've gotten some painful hugs. But I'm grateful.

I got too go to a few Christmas parties recently and it was so fun to feel normal for a bit and to just relax and enjoy myself. I did not get to go on my overnight trip away, but F and I got to spend some time together and again, it is so nice to have little bits of time where I feel like myself again. It's nice to remember that I'm not Cancer Lady. I'm actually Krista, who happens to have cancer right now, but won't have it forever. It's just here for a little inconvenient visit and will be gone way after it's overstayed its welcome.

I've been listening to some talks on CD from some people- not sure what to call them- spiritual leaders maybe? All stuff to do with putting my intention out to the universe and getting back what I'm focusing on. So again, I've been trying to focus on health and wellness. The speaker I heard yesterday talked about how going through hard times is like getting into a boat and going down stream. The stream is going to carry me along no matter what. I get to decide whether I want to point my boat upstream and paddle like crazy, but get pulled down stream anyway. Or, I could decide to point my boat downstream an have an easy time of it. The pain is in the struggle, not the destination. I've been trying to hold the image in my mind of the chemo flowing into my veins like a stream, and I can float along in my kayak and go with it and accept it and be grateful for it. My body is going to be a war zone with a strong weapon firing away at any rogue cancer cells. But, there is great beauty even in war zones. I remember being on middle of the night guard duty the night the U.S. first bombed Baghdad in the Gulf War. I didn't know what was happening, but I could see constant flashes of light on the horizon, and I could hear the distant booming. I thought it was a lightning and thunder storm for awhile, then found out what it was. I was horrified deep in my soul with each flash of light. I remember feeling so sick about what was happening. I looked straight up into the sky to ask God what the heck he was doing, and I remember the night sky was so beautiful. It was perfectly clear and full of stars. Right above the horizon where the bombing was happening, the big dipper was sitting magnificently huge and bright. I had never seen it like that before. I had this sense of peace settle over me and I got the feeling that even though big, crappy things were happening at the moment that didn't make any sense, God was in charge and was watching over the world. That's my thought for myself right now- God is in charge and is smart and knows what the big picture is. I view cancer as a big crappy thing, but I don't want to miss the big dipper gift on the other side.