My Heart

12/17/08

I saw my heart today, on an ultra sound machine. It was as miraculous as seeing Karina on an ultra sound when I was pregnant (I didn't have one with Kaycee). I could see it beating, and I could see the different chambers. I don't really know what I was looking at, but it looked pretty strong and healthy to me. The heart is a miracle. It is so amazing the way the human body works. The tech doing the exam commented to me that the human body can take quite a beating, such as with chemotherapy, and bounce back surprisingly well. I was a bit freaked when he showed me a piece of the port-a-cath dangling down into one of my heart chambers. I couldn't quite read from him whether or not this is normal. I'll have to ask Dr. T. The thought of the chemo being dumped right into my heart is awful. But, I like the thought of my body taking a beating, and then bouncing back.

I put in a full day today- a few hours of work, then lots of driving through the snow to my different appointments. I was so tired by the end of the day. I'm wondering- will chemo fatigue be like the fatigue I've had for the past four years from working full time and being a single parent? Or will I have that same fatigue, plus a whole other layer? My last appointment was an ultra sound of my ovaries. That one was not so miraculous like the heart one. I won't go into details here, but I will say it was horribly uncomfortable and a crappy way to spend an afternoon. It was, I believe, my EIGHTH visit to Oregon Imaging. I just repeated over and over again these two phrases: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change" and "I'm grateful for this technology", during the exam. I got through it and I even had 20 minutes to myself today to do a little Christmas shopping! I got a few presents and I got myself some hats made from Alpaca fur. I tried one on and tucked all my hair up in it just to see what it'd be like. I looked at all the people around me today and realized that MANY people are wearing hats right now. So, for the next few months anyway, wearing a hat will be no big deal. And, no one gave me a second look with my hair tucked up. This might possibly not be as bad as I've been imagining it. The only thing was that once I got inside, I wanted to take the hat off- it got itchy and hot.

My brother arrived today for a visit and it was SO nice to come home, completely exhausted, and be able to eat dinner and go lay down for a nap. He cleaned the kitchen and spent time with the girls and I was able to relax and rest without guilt. My mom comes tomorrow and it will be so nice to have extra help with the girls and with the day to day stuff of life.

Tomorrow is my appointment with the nurses to get more chemo info. I'm feeling so good and upbeat today. I knew yesterday's feelings would pass. I should tell myself that tomorrow might be hard again, but it will pass. I should plan a trip to Sweet Life afterwards to cheer myself up with a HUGE piece of decadent, gooey, chocolate cake!