First Shower/Bandages Off

12/6/08

Last night was a hard night. Lots of pain in my arm with a numb/swollen feeling. The pain medication would work for a few hours, then wear off before I could take more. I never got into a deep sleep- just cat naps. Finally, around 2 or 3 am, I got online and looked up the Unity website so I could put in a prayer request for healing. I ended up calling a number, thinking I would leave a message, and a real person answered. I learned that their prayer line is staffed 24 hours a day and is never closed. This woman was like an angel and she prayed with me and I felt such peace afterwards. She put my name in a place at Unity Village where for 30 days people will pray for me. I do believe in the power of prayer, and I also believe that it is the opposite of laying in bed feeling helpless and hopeless. On the website there are also some guided meditations that I was able to listen to that helped me relax and I was able to sleep much better, despite the pain.

The site is www.unityonline.org It saved my sanity last night.

I put in a call to the doctor on call this morning just to see if the arm pain was normal. He called back within a few minutes of my message and talked to me for quite a bit. I felt reassured afterwards. The girls went off with friends today and got to do some fun activities. I called a friend and she said she could do distance Reiki for me. After our phone call, I went into a deep, restful sleep for about 3 hours. I woke up and had D remove my bandages and help me with my first shower. It was a bit freaky- I held onto my drain and did the best I could, but I felt very vulnerable and icky. I caught a glimpse of the new and improved scar (bigger) and of the port-a-cath area. I can't do more than glance at these at this point. I'm feeing sad and overwhelmed right now. Took some more pain medication and I'm back in bed. Its that feeling of knowing I just went through a second something big, and now the next thing is coming up. Dr. T. did tell me that he got the results of my CT and bone scan and that there was nothing of concern. Although he did see a few things- possible arthritis somewhere in my bones and one other thing, but he is confident that its nothing related to the cancer. He did end up needing to cut a nerve in my arm, hence the numbness.

I've been working throughout the day on visualizing a healed, whole, functional arm and a quick healing from the surgery. Again, whether this visualization works or not I don't know. But I do know it gives me something to do while I'm laying in bed and it makes me feel positive and peaceful.

Time to rest. More later.