Acceptance

11/30/08

I made it through the weekend with many ups and downs. I figured Wednesday would be hard, but that I'd bounce back in time for Thanksgiving on Thursday. It didn't happen. I woke up still feeling down, and Kaycee had a huge melt-down, so we didn't make it to our Thanksgiving day event. Which turned out ok, because I spent some time relaxing with Karina and watching the documentary, "The Secret". I had some huge grief time alone in my bathroom, then got up and the girls and I went for a very long, fun walk. We all felt much better afterwards. The rest of the weekend I spent shopping a bit- I got some nice, inspirational pictures for my bathroom since that seems to be the place I go when I don't want the girls to see the full extent of my emotions. It now has a nice calming feel to it, just like my bedroom. I was feeling great on Friday, so I went roller blading for half and hour. The weather was amazingly beautiful and I went along the river and had a nice, peaceful time. I was sore and tired afterwards, but felt great for having gone. Yesterday I was feeling some pain in my breast, but had arranged to practice soccer with F. (awesome, sweet boyfriend), so I wrapped it up tight and went. I was feeling so good that I was considering playing a game the next day. I went for a little jog around the track to see how running felt, and I didn't make it too far. My breast really started aching with the extra motion. I finished up practice and got home exhausted and had a bit of a nap. Today I was very tired, so I went to a movie with Karina and friends had a nice little nap in the theater. I had told the girls that I wanted to try to walk every evening, and Kaycee is super excited about this. She bugged me and bugged me to go tonight after dinner, and although I didn't want to, I did. It was fun and refreshing. I asked her to bug me about it other nights, and I am hoping that she will help keep me motivated to walk.

I did some reading and some talking to people and I'm at a place of acceptance today. The port-a-cath (?) is not how I pictured it. I imagined a plastic thing sticking out of my chest with a cork in it blocking off my heart vein. It is actually implanted beneath the surface of my skin. Each time the chemo is injected, the skin gets numbed up and a needle is inserted. It was explained to me that the chemo going into this big vein is like being dumped into a river, as opposed to going into my arm veins, which are like streams. My mom said that the people she saw having it done this way seemed to have an easier time of it and that she thought my doctor was trying to make things easier for me. Ok, I can have some gratitude around this.

Dr. T suggested that I stay the night in the hospital, and I was resistant because the little room I was in before sucked and the bed was hard and uncomfortable. But, a friend of mine who had a recent hospital stay said the actual over night room is beautiful and the bed is comfortable and it would be nice for me to be taken care of for that first night. So, I am considering the option and plan to pack my own pillow just in case I stay.

My mom also told me that she imagined chemo being like a powerful monster that was eating away at the cancer. I like the idea of flipping the image of poison to one of it being a powerful weapon. I have confidence in my body to bounce back from the chemo. I am in great health and I know there will be bad times, but I am picturing myself returning to my healthy, active self once the chemo is over. And, going on walks through the neighborhood with the girls is something that I wouldn't normally do, but I will do more of. It is a great opportunity to slow down and see what is right around me and bond with the girls.

I know my arm may be messed up after the lymph nodes come out. I am wondering how that will affect kayaking next summer. But, mostly I am so grateful that soccer is played with the feet! And, I'm confident that physical therapy will help me.

I learned to knit this weekend!! It is so cool and hopefully will give me something to do when I'm resting.

I've got some fears about the actual surgery and of waking up in pain afterwards. But, I've got a few days to work on this. And, my first mind/body class is this Tuesday, so maybe I'll learn something there to help.

I've told a few more people this weekend- some parents of the girls' friends. It is hard to tell people, but it feels much better when people know. I've got some play dates lined up for them for the week after surgery. I don't think its as scary for them now. I've explained that it will be a lot like last time- I'll need lots of rest for a week or so, then I'll bounce back. I've got family coming for a chunk of time over Christmas, so I feel like the girls will be well cared for. I had a bad dream a few nights ago where I was leaving them to move to Germany, and my flight was leaving in half and hour, and I hadn't made any arrangements for them to stay with anyone. I was frantically making phone calls as I was packing, and they couldn't understand why they weren't going with me. I couldn't understand it either and it was breaking my heart to leave them. I woke up from that dream knowing it was about the cancer. One of my biggest fears is that I will have forgotten to have made arrangements for them to get picked up one day, and they'll be left stranded at school. Or, I'll have a complication and have to stay longer in the hospital and I won't have made arrangements for them. Today I got organized and got a new schedule book and I have written in there which kid is going with who on which days. I can easily see where I still need help and where they will be when. I should be able to sleep easier this time. And, I know that I've got many, many people who I could call if I really did drop the ball and forget to get them.

I googled CT scan and it seems ok. Drink some stuff- dye maybe? and lie really still while a big machine takes pictures. I've done this before and while its not fun, I have had some pretty cool meditation experiences.

I CAN DO THIS