A Hard Day

November 26, 2008

I'm not sure if I can write my feelings just yet, but I'll start with the facts. I learned today that the cancer was only in the original lump, not in the outer satellite spots. Dr. T explained that when those two spots had a biopsy, probably the needle actually went back into the original lump by mistake. I thought this was great news at first, but it actually doesn't really matter. He still did not get a great margin on the chunk that he took- 1 mm and he likes 5 mm to be safe. I was hopeful that the lymph nodes would have been spared, but he went on to say that there was cancer "all over" the one node he took out.

Next Steps for me are:

1. Go in next Monday for a CAT scan (not sure if this is spelled right or what it stands for or really what it even is) to look for cancer in other parts of my body. All I know is that this involves not eating ahead of time and drinking something and then getting scanned.

2. Go in next Wednesday morning to be injected with dye- the same place where I was injected before. Leave, then come back in the afternoon for a bone scan. Again, looking for cancer in other areas of my body.

3. Go in 6:00 Thursday morning for my 7:30 surgery, number two, to remove all my lymph nodes under my right arm. Have another lumpectomy to get a better margin. Have a drain installed to catch the gunk for a few weeks after the surgery. Have a port? something like that, installed into the vein on my left side that leads to my heart (did I really hear that right? A tube in my heart vein?). This thing will be in place for 6 months and will be the port of entry for chemotherapy. Dr. T explained that its better for chemo to go into this big vein as it won't be as hard on my veins. He says that having an IV each time would be hard because chemo destroys small veins. I need to do some looking into this. I DO NOT want some thing stuck in my heart for 6 months- I just pictured a vampire putting a stake through my heart and leaving it there, then injecting poison into it. ARRGHH I wish my mind wouldn't conjure up such images!

4. As soon as the drain comes out (this is a little plastic thing that reminds me of a hallow hand grenade. It sound really gross. It fills up with blood and gunk and I have to unhook it and empty it and wear it attached to me) I begin chemotherapy. The sooner the better according to Dr. T. I looked at the calendar and it should be Christmas week. Chemo for Christmas this year. Probably the most hated and loved present ever. I HATE THIS. And of course I'm extremely grateful for treatment, even if it is poison.

5. After 6 months, I start 6 weeks of daily radiation on my breast. Depending on the extent of cancer in my lymph nodes, maybe on that area too.

6. Some point after chemo, something happens with my ovaries and estrogen. Dr. T didn't want to talk to me about that yet.

I'm really, really , really PISSED OFF today. I'm ok with this. I haven't felt much anger yet, and I guess its time. I'll go back to my calm, peaceful self another time. Right now I'm ANGRY.