Still Waiting

Tuesday Evening, Nov 25, 2008

Still no idea what the doc will say tomorrow. I had a great, normal kind of a day today. Got to visit with some friends and I got out of the house for a very nice walk through the woods. Not too sore right now, just very sleepy. I finally read a little bit more about all the different scenarios and treatment options. So many of the drugs used to treat cancer have awful side effects. I read today that some women who get chemotherapy later on develop leukemia. What a dirty trick- the drugs that can fight one type of cancer can also cause another type of cancer?

I am hopeful though. I feel really, really healthy and like I'm in good shape. It has been a week today since my surgery and compared to how I felt the first days after, right now I feel about 80% normal physically.

The piece that I wasn't able to write about last week was this: I have the type of cancer that grows better in the presence of estrogen. In order to stop that, I will need to stop producing estrogen. It sounds like there are two choices- take a drug that stops it, and has some possible wicked side effects (like cancer of the uterus), or have my ovaries removed. I hate both choices, and I'm not even sure if I get to make the choice or if the type of cancer chooses for me. I have been all done having children for awhile now, but I still didn't plan on going into such early menopause. When I got this news last week, it was almost more upsetting than the news that I have cancer. I'm not sure exactly why yet- something to do with my view of myself as a woman. Also, the thought of yet another surgery on yet another part of my body doesn't thrill me.

I think I have come to believe that the hardest part of the last surgery was recovering from all the drugs and anesthesia, rather than the actual surgery. Maybe it'll be easier and I'll be more desensitized the next time.

I've got my plan in place for tomorrow- I'm bringing my friend to write notes and be a moral support and my boyfriend to put his arms around me and comfort me. I've got time set aside after the appointment to either hide in bed and cry for an hour, or go out for lunch and celebrate.