Thursday, November 27, 2008

Thanksgiving

11/27/08

9 years ago today I took a pregnancy test and discovered I was pregnant (with Kaycee). It was one of the happiest discoveries of my life and the very best Thanksgiving day of my life.

Today is a different day. My discovery this year was the absolute worst discovery of my life. And, I'm determined to be grateful today anyway. I am thinking of many years ago- 18 or so, when I went off to the Gulf War for 9 months. I was so terrified when I learned that I'd be deployed. It was about a week from learning the news to actually leaving, with lots of false alarms as to when we'd leave. Finally, I was in Walmart shopping for a pocket knife when a call for me came over the intercom saying to report immediately back to base. We left a few hours later. The plane ride over was so surreal and I was so terrified. Everything about those first few weeks was scary and different and unreal. 9 months later it was all over and I came back to the world. I had the odd sensation that the world had gone on as normal and hadn't missed me at all. I had missed out on a huge chunk of the normal world and I had a hard time jumping back in as if all was normal. I was forever changed. I had fought a war, been afraid for my life, and returned looking just the same on the outside. I'm feeling all of these same feelings today. I got the call that I will be going to war with cancer. I had the first little battle and discovered that this is going to be a longer war than I thought- about 9 months or so. The next battle is coming up and the dread is awful. I was afraid I might die in that first war, and I remember writing a goodbye letter to my mom. I am a bit afraid of the same thing in this war, but I refuse to write a goodbye letter. When I was in the middle of that first 9 months, and even for a time right after, I couldn't imagine a time when it would be behind me. I thought about it every day. Now, I realize that although it did have a profound effect on me, and it did change me, it is very much in the past and it is something I don't think about too often. The cancer war will be like this for me one day too. Yesterday I was scared and pissed off. Today I feel ready for battle. And I'm still pissed. And hopeful. I'm not a naive 21 year old. This time I'm wiser and I know a little bit about battles. I know what my weapons against cancer are: acceptance, surrender, peace, love, nurturing, friends, family, doctors, nurses, poison/medicine, scalpels, meditation, herbs, crystals, mind/body work, wise women, healing women, and, most of all, the big nuclear bomb in my arsenal- my spiritual connection to my higher power. I have some great words from Alanon that I keep repeating: I don't have to like my situation, but I want to like myself in my situation. And, of course, the serenity prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (cancer), the courage to change the things I can (my attitude) and the wisdom to know the difference.

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