The Weekend

Nov 9.2008

The weekend has been good, up until now. Had a very, very nice day yesterday. Went tree climbing with the girls and a friend and some dogs. We got soaked and cold and loved the beauty of the trees, the leaves, and the solitude- hardly anyone else there. I had whole chunks of time where I didn't think about cancer.

I had a late soccer game last night, and I had decided not to go because I've been so tired. But then I realized that this would be my last chance to play for awhile, so I went. Even though it was late, I took the girls. I wanted them to have one more image of me as athletic and strong. I wanted to have one more image of myself that way too. One reason I like Dr. Trezona so much is because he told me I not only could, but should keep playing soccer after my surgery. I had said some feel sorry for myself thing about being sad about missing out on soccer and skiing this winter. He said that it will be very important for me to get as much exercise as I can and that the good feelings I get from soccer will help me heal. I may not feel like soccer if I do chemo and/or radiation, but that won't start for a month or so after the surgery. I'm not thinking about that yet- just trying to focus on the next step of getting through the surgery. Something my mom said has stuck with me too- she tells me that I am a healthy person who happens to have cancer. I really like that perspective and I'm trying to hold on to it.

My soccer game was so great. My team is undefeated and I love playing with them. I had huge chunks of time while playing when I didn't think about cancer. I scored a goal and thought about hanging onto that feeling of nailing the ball and watching it go in whenever I get to feeling down. I got really, really tired toward the end, but I realized that the last week has been a huge drain on my energy, and it was a very late game. After the game, I had that great, post-exercise high that lasted for a few hours. Today the girls and I went to a Duck soccer game, their last one, and I had a great time. After that, we went grocery shopping and I started to get sad as I was trying to figure out how much food to get. I know its unrealistic, but I felt like getting enough supplies for a month. I had the hurricane fear again- how big and how devastating is this going to be? I'm home now and my plan for the rest of the day was to get the house in order. But, instead I'm crying in bed again and writing. I'm so afraid of tomorrow, when the doctor's offices will be open again and they might call me again with some more urgent news and some more urgent testing that needs to be done RIGHT NOW!

Maybe I will try my old technique for dealing with sorrows- give myself a certain amount of time to cry and feel sad, then get up and do something nice for myself. I've got a chocolate bar in the fridge- think I'll cry for 20 minutes or so, then eat chocolate, then maybe play some nice music and do a little bit of work.