Clear Day

Nov 20, 2008

Not quite sure how it got to be Nov 20th already. I'm still stuck on Nov 3rd when I first got the news. Can't quite fathom where 17 days went.

I am breathing deeply and clearly today. No heavy pain medication- just a bit of motrin this morning. I am so glad to have my mind back and clear. I am sore today, but when I realized that I've been more sore after an intense soccer game, I realized that I don't need the pain medication today. I am being careful to take it easy, though, because I can only handle being up and about for about 10 minutes before I get fatigued and start feeling pain. I am looking at this day of rest as the luxury that it is- I haven't ever had an entire day to lay in bed and do whatever I want- read, watch a movie, write, talk on the phone, think. I haven't done much today other than sleep, write a little, think, and watch my kitties at the end of my bed. I've never studied cats before for such a long stretch of time- they really know how to live life- they play a little, eat, poop, and sleep A LOT and when they sleep, they look like they are so thoroughly enjoying it!

I want to write about the day of the operation while I can still sort of remember it:

The kids got off to school with a cherished friend, and my other cherished friend, D (the nurse) came and picked me up. I had called her late the night before with a list of things I wanted her to be sure I didn't forget. In the morning, we got out my big wicker German shopping basket and packed it with my comfort stuff. It was a little like when I used to get ready to go to a birth as a doula. I packed my favorite remedies that people have given me and told me about these past weeks- Bach Rock Rose flower essence (drops to be put in water to "add courage and presence of mind in the face of terror or extreme fear"), Tranquility essential oil (to be rubbed on my head when I needed calming), Peace of Mind cream (peppermint smelling cream that can be put on and breathed in for stress), a Lavender scented inhaler to be put under my nose when needles are going in and I need to breathe deeply and calmly, homeopathic arnica tablets to be taken after the surgery to speed healing and reduce bruising and swelling. Along with all that, I brought some favorite books- The Woman's Book of Courage, Succulent Wild Woman, and The Power of Reiki. I thought I might have some periods of long waits, so I brought along nail polish to do my toes, but never did get to them. And, I brought along bottles of water since I could drink still for a few hours. I knew I wouldn't be able to eat all day, so the night before I baked some chocolate chip cookies and had many warm cookies and a glass of milk just before midnight. I also had a little doll that Kaycee had made for me and filled with flax seed, and a shell and wrist band of Karina's. And, a picture of the girls and I visiting my old childhood fort. The best thing of all in my basket I discovered later.

We got to Oregon Imaging and the women at the front desk all greeted me by name and were super friendly. I had to laugh at how funny it was to be back there yet again. I went in and had my breast numbed up again and this time a long wire with a hook was inserted into my breast to mark the outer edge of the cancer. The wire was left sticking out about 8 inches or so and I was sent for yet another mamogram to get a picture for the surgeon. After that, the wire was padded and taped down to my breast. Once again, the numbing stuff didn't work too well and I started feeling pain. My anxiety level went way up and i began using all the stuff from my basket. D waited with me until my driver arrived. I was escorted into a huge SUV (not a limo)- some type of Caddilac. I was in a lot of pain at this point. D was following behind me. I called my boyfriend (who was home recovering from his own medical procedure) and he told me a beautiful story about being up in a tree house. It was very relaxing and I got to feeling better.

We got to the hospital (the new one) and I was escorted into a huge train station type of area, which is where family members wait for people in surgery. There are big computer screens up that have tracking numbers so family members can track where the patients are, just like in a train station. After a short wait, I was escorted back into my little room where I changed into hospital clothes. D had me ask for some medication to calm me, but by that time the pain wasn't too bad and I didn't really want it. I had it ordered just in case. The first step after a bunch of nurse questions and forms was to get an IV in. This has never been a problem for me before, but the nurse couldn't get it after 3 tries. I was quite fed up with being stuck with needles by this point, so she got an anesthesia doctor to come in. This guy was wearing a scrub hat with soccer balls all over it and I just had to laugh- God sends me many angles, and they are often soccer related! This doctor was a soccer player and as he talked about soccer, I relaxed enough that he was able to get the needle in with very little pain. My sponsor kept holding the lavender stuff up to my nose when the needles were going in. Then I waited some more. At one point while I was waiting I opened a card that had been tucked into my basket. It was from everyone at work and it was stuffed with slips of paper with different messages on them. It was also stuffed with cash. I was so emotional already, and even typing this I get emotional again. As I read each message, I could feel the words float up just above me and hover there, surrounding me in a cloud of support. The money I have now tucked into a special wallet that Karina made for me. It will be used for anything that comes up related to this cancer. I've used it to buy my pain medication and will also use some of it to buy some good, high quality vitamins. I so appreciate this thoughtful gesture from my work family and I have re-read the messages several times already during some of my low points.

Before I forget, I bought the most amazing pair of shoes last weekend and I've been wearing them to all of my medical stuff and when I go walking. They were designed for Nike by a teenage girl who survived cancer and is now a high school soccer player. The shoes have all sorts of symbolism related to her fight with cancer, and 100% of the earnings goes to research and kids who don't have insurance at Doernbecher's Children's Hospital. If anyone wants a pair, they make great walking shoes and they are available at the Nike store. There are 5 shoes total designed by kids who have been helped at the Children's Hospital. My friend D bought a pair too and we both wore them the day of the surgery. Here's the newspaper article about them: http://www.registerguard.com/csp/cms/sites/web/search/2574737-47/story.csp

So, after the IV my sponsor came and stayed with me for a bit. She read something quite beautiful about growing from pain. Then, it was time to go to nuclear medicine for the radioactive dye stuff. I got wheeled to the other side of the hospital- through a bunch of hallways and up an elevator. It was very surreal being wheeled down the back hallways with various workmen hanging about. I felt like I was in some bad movie about a mental hospital, so I just closed my eyes and prayed. When we got there, I began panicking as the woman described how a needle would be inserted into my breast and radioactive dye would flow through me while a machine took pictures. I would need to lay still in this machine for about half an hour, with my arm above my head. The thought of yet another needle, radioactive material in my breast, being still in another machine, and my aching arm above my head was enough to make me wish I had taken that medicine that would have calmed me. I asked D, who was still with me, if it was too late for it and she said that it was too late. She held the lavender up to my nose while the needle went in. I decided to try what little I knew of Reiki to see if I could calm myself. I put one hand near my heart and closed my eyes. I started breathing deeply and I had an image of the radioactive liquid being like a blinding light sent by God to show the doctors where my cancer was hiding in my body. Like a blinding light, I felt pain when the needle went in, but it wasn't so scary. I was able to get away from the scary thought of radioactive poison and shift to the thought of healing light. Once in the machine, I could see out the window into the tops of some very tall pine trees and I was taken back to the tree house story my boyfriend told me on the phone earlier. As the big machine closed in on me, I pushed the claustrophobia away and closed my eyes again, and again had the image of God filling me with liquid light. My arm above my head immediately began going numb like my hands do when my carpel tunnel is acting up. I couldn't imagine how I would hold my arm in that position for that long. But, I kept my left hand on my body, near my heart, and pretty soon I could feel my whole body surrounded by a humming sort of energy. The numbness in my arm was absorbed by this energy and didn't bother me any more. No, I was NOT on any drugs at this point, just enjoying a deep state of meditation I think. I had an image of all of my fears and hurtful experiences from my entire life going into the cancer in my breast. I had an image of a soft, lavender colored baby blanket gathering up all of these hurts and fears. There was an image of me, strong and powerful, holding this blanket lovingly and watching as all the hurts and fears turned into a beautiful baby. All this time the baby and I were surrounded by this humming, bright energy. When the blanket was full, the strong, powerful me told the baby everything would be ok and kissed it. I then opened the blanket and tossed the baby up into the bright humming energy, straight into God's arms.
At this point, I heard a new voice in the room and felt hands on my body. I opened my eyes and looked into the face of another doctor, this one with a pen-like instrument in his hands. I said hello to him and asked him if that was the geiger counter. He smiled and said it sort of was. He used this instrument to find the spot on my body where the radioactive stuff had settled. As this geiger counter traced my body, the machine made funny noises that sounded just like R2D2 from Star Wars. I laughed and thought what a funny sense of humor God has- I get this amazing, mind-boggling experience and come out of it hearing R2D2 beeps.

Once I was done, I got wheeled back through the hallways to my room. I was so zoned out I felt like I was on the best drugs in the world. It was like this massive endorphin high. I really wasn't on any drugs at this point, and I normally would be too self-conscious and embarrassed to share such an experience on a blog. But, times are different for me now and I am no longer afraid to share stuff. In fact, I'm no longer afraid of a lot of things that used to terrify me.

I got back to my room and pretty quickly Dr. T came in with his scrub hat on. No soccer balls, just fish. At first I thought he was just in for a visit, but then I realized that he was there to take me to surgery. I began to panic a little. I said goodbye to D and my Sponsor, and as I was being wheeled away, my Sponsor told me that I was on a bed of something- love? surrounded by a legion of angels. I kept my eyes closed until we were in the operating room. I imagined my angels flying along over the top of me. The nurse was telling me everyone's names in the room, and I opened my eyes. I saw a man covered from head to toe in blue scrubs and I saw a huge tray of surgical instruments and I began bawling and I was so very, very scared. I slid onto the operating table and the nurse asked the anesthesiologist to give me something to calm me down. He put an oxygen mask over my head and told me to breathe deeply. I couldn't though, because I was crying too hard and having trouble breathing. At that point Dr. T. came over to me, held my hand, and bent down close. I could only see his eyes and hear his voice. he told me that everything was going to be ok and he had such kindness in his eyes. I told him that I appreciated him and that I trusted him. The anesthesiologist told me I'd be asleep in less than 30 seconds and the last thing I remember was looking at Dr. T and feeling him holding my hand and me trying to trust that I'd be ok.

I woke up later to a nurse yelling my name and a whole lot of pain. I looked to either side of me and saw beds of patients and lots of nurses moving about. This was creepy and scary and I asked for my friend D. The nurse was kind of mean and said that my friend couldn't be with me. I asked if she could pull some curtains around me and she did. It was better when I couldn't see all the other patients- that made me feel like I was back in the creepy mental hospital movie again. The pain was bad and she said something about having given me all the morphine I was going to get and that I would have to deal with some pain. I don't remember much, but I do remember yelling and thrashing about and being very scared. I heard another voice say to take me to my room early so I could be with my friends. Then it was all blank until I opened my eyes in my room and saw my Sponsor and D. They said I had been in the recovery room for an hour. In my room, I was still feeling lots of pain and I don't remember much but D saying that it wasn't ok that I was feeling that much pain and the nurse kind of arguing back and me thinking holy shit this really really HURTS!!!!!!!!! I heard D say something about a nursing protocol and then something was in my IV and the pain was gone. It came back about 10 minutes later and more arguing between D and the nurse and it was gone again. I vaguely remember talking to my brother on the phone and him being upset that I wasn't going to stay the night in the hospital. I got the sense from the nurses that they wanted me to hurry up and get out of there. I was very scared about going home and having that kind of pain again. Finally D explained that I hadn't been in the recovery room for the normal amount of time, so I would need a little extra time in my room before I'd be ready to go home. A big stretch of time went by and finally I was feeling no pain and the bed started to feel uncomfortable and small and the pillow was hard and I wanted to be in my own bed.
Somehow I got to feeling a bit better and I went home. That night and the next day is a blur of pain medication right now. I know my bed felt immensely wonderful and peaceful and I was in and out of sleep.