Feeling so blah today. My stupid mind won't leave me alone. Two nights now of nightmares. The first night was full of me in machines and loud noises and cold rooms and me naked on a table with people all around poking at my body. Won't 33 days of that be fun? During the day I'm fine with radiation- a bit nervous, but looking forward to starting so I can be done. At night, all my fears get me while I try to sleep.
Sleep is still weird- I can fall asleep ok, but start waking around 2 and don't really sleep well after that. My stomach feels better. Now it feels like I've got a side ache on both sides. It keeps me walking slow still, but it's better than straight out pain. I actually had energy to make oatmeal for breakfast- the kind you cook on the stove and add cinnamon and sugar to. But the kids are in shock at non-packaged food and won't eat it. Last night I was out of energy and we ate chips, cheese, lunch meat, hummus, salsa, and grapes for dinner in front of the fire place. The girls asked me several times, "Is this dinner?" Hey, I covered most of the food groups, why not call it dinner?
My plan for next week, or I should say my hope, is to do radiation at the end of the day, then go over to Alton Baker Park each time and walk a bit along the river. I really, really want to start exercising again. I saw a woman running the hurdles yesterday at Karina's soccer game and I was filled with envy. There is no way I could run right now. It makes me sad. I asked the doc how long until I'll feel back to my normal self after radiation. She said that people who just have radiation return to their normal energy level in a few months. People that have chemo and radiation take about a year. I blocked that answer out of my mind because it seemed too cruel. Plus, maybe it will be different for me. I'll stick to my plan of a good diet, exercise, and whatever the naturopath and acupuncturist can do for me. I'm trying to talk myself into feeling better, but it's not working so far.
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