It's 7:00 and I'm back on the couch again for the evening, as I've been every night this week. The good news is that each day I am a little less fatigued! It's happening slowly, but I can tell my energy is going to come back. I hit such a bottom earlier in the week. I haven't been sleeping well and I wake up exhausted. I found myself awake still at midnight on Tuesday and just started sobbing out of sheer frustration. Then I found I couldn't stop. I was hit full force by the hell cancer has put me through, and the fear of that washed over me. I think I've been holding the fear at bay, just getting through one day and one chemo at a time. Now that the chemo is over, the fear found a place to settle. It was ok to feel it, and it was ok to let it go. I know it will always be in my mind- will the cancer come back, will each check up be clear, for the rest of my life. But, I'm not going to let it take me over.
On Wed I went in for my blood draw and it was fine. No more shots!!! But, the nurses took one look at me and said I looked like crap and needed some fluids. Well, they didn't actually say "crap" but I knew that's what they meant. My eyes have been running for a few weeks now- a side effect of the chemo (although around here it could also be allergies). On Wed they were all swollen and red and I did look pretty awful. I have been drinking a lot of fluids, but still feel like my body is all dried out- another side effect. I sat in the chemo chair yet again getting fluids. I was there for an hour and it was pretty relaxing since I was so tired. I put an ice pack on my eyes and took a little rest. Afterwards I had a visit with the naturopath. I explained my level of fatigue to her and she said it sounded like my adrenal gland and my hormones where out of whack, and also that I probably wasn't absorbing certain vitamins. She gave me some different things to take, along with a sleep remedy. It is made from poppies, among other things, so I call it my little bottle of opium. I also have some herbs to take in the evening to calm my racing thoughts. And, she recommended soaking my nails in vinegar, then dipping them in rubbing alcohol and blowing them dry. She said the smell is from water getting underneath them and causing organisms to grow. So, I've been doing the naturopath stuff for a few days now and my nails don't smell as bad and my sleep is better. Well, when I say better that means that when I finally fall asleep, I stay asleep the whole night and don't have nightmares. It still takes me hours to fall asleep. I'm trying so hard to get off the sleeping pills, but ended up taking one when I found myself still awake at 2:00 this morning. The stuff she gave me for energy seemed to work the first day. Instead of crashing at 2:00, I've been crashing around 5:00. After a few hours on the couch, I've got the energy to get up, clean up a bit, and get the girls off to bed.
I have given up soccer for awhile. There is no way I can be running around a soccer field right now without the steroid boost. I have decided to start walking and I've walked every day this week, first for 20 minutes and now for 30 minutes. It feels great to be out walking, but it is exhausting. My muscle aches make a 20 minute walk feel more like a 10 mile run. My goal for the next few weeks is to rest as much as possible, but get in one walk a day.
I have an appointment with a radiology cancer doctor on the 24th, a week after my surgery. She will get me set up for radiation. I learned that I will be getting that tattoo I've always wanted. They tattoo little marks on the breast so that they can get the radiation machine lined up correctly each time. So much for my winding rose vine around my scar tattoo. I'll have little dots instead, forever.
I was given a book this week, called Cancer Vixen. It's hilarious. It's written by a New York woman who is a cartoonist who got breast cancer. The whole book is her experiences, written in cartoon. Her life style is WAY different from mine, but I found my self relating to certain experiences. Like when she goes in with her mom for her first chemo and she gets scared and she draws herself shrinking all the way back down to being a little girl crawling into her mama's lap and she says she wishes she could go back into the womb. And when she first got the diagnosis she draws herself getting sucked off the planet earth and hurled into a black hole. She also has a romance going the whole time she's in treatment, and a bunch of friends helping her out, and fun things happen for her, along with the crappy stuff. Reading this book made me feel more normal than I have in a long time.
1 comment:
Krista, you wrote: "I know it will always be in my mind- will the cancer come back, will each check up be clear, for the rest of my life. But, I'm not going to let it take me over." Anybody on Earth is susceptible to one day finding out they have an illness such as cancer. Anybody on Earth can wake up one day and have it be their last, due to a sudden random tragedy. We all live with that hanging over us -- you no more or no less than anyone else. In your case, that reality may be more top-of-mind right now -- but it is no more or less real for you than for anyone else. We also all live with the wonders of the world -- like Eugene and its people, green Oregon, your garden, the ocean, the seasons and each day we are given to enjoy -- and the miracles we bring into it -- like your daughters and the help you give to the children of Eugene. What you might have more of than many people is tremendous perceptiveness and strength and storytelling power that turns your challenge into something that actually helps others. In this blog, you provide a written testament worthy of and rivaling the cartoons in Cancer Vixen. One more thing: I imagine a good tattoo artist could find a way to connect those little dots and create just the winding rose vine tattoo you want.
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