I went to sleep AGAIN last night with no sleeping pill! And, I woke up this morning feeling RESTED and HAPPY! I can't remember the last time I woke up feeling rested. It was such a delicious feeling- like I'm getting myself back when I've been away somewhere for a long, long time. I walked for half and hour this morning and I walked pretty fast for the first 15 minutes and felt like I had some energy. The last 15 minutes I was tired, but didn't have the muscle aches like before. I'm getting better, I can feel it! Just in time for surgery day after tomorrow. I called the doc today to ask more about my recovery and was told that I shouldn't drive for 4 days because I'll be on pain killers. I was also told that I'd go into instant menopause and that I might be irritable and have mood swings and night sweats. I already knew this, but it strikes me as weird that on Wednesday I'll be pre-menopausal and Thursday I'll be post-menopausal. Talk about instant! I apologized to my body today for the shock it's about to go through. I still think it really, really sucks to be losing my ovaries. I know it's totally unrealistic, but I have this though that on Wed I'll be a young, vibrant woman and on Thur I'll be an old, tired woman. I know it's not true, but that's the thought rattling around in my brain right now. I'm trying to think of all the woman I know who have gone through menopause. The women I'm thinking of all have some things in common- wisdom and incredible self-confidence. Maybe I'll get some of that. My self-esteem has taken a nose-dive these past few months. Luckily I had enough to begin with that I could afford to lose a little. I haven't talked much about my hair lately, but it gets harder and harder to look at myself in the mirror. I'm bald, my eyes are tired and puffy looking, and I've lost my muscle tone. Sometimes I just have to look myself in the eye and remind myself that this is all temporary. I'm checking my head every day to see if there's any new hair growth- it's supposed to start growing back in the next few weeks. The fuzz I do have seems to be getting a bit longer. I'm not looking forward to wearing something on my head when the weather gets warm, so it better grow back fast! I bought myself a pretty sun dress last week just to cheer myself up. I tried it on in the dressing room and my scars show in it and I looked ridiculous in it bald, but I bought it anyway. I'm both embarrassed and not by my scars. It's weird- they look bad, but they tell me how strong and resilient my body is.
I have tried really hard not to google certain things, but I'm just going to google "instant menopause" and see what comes up.
-So much for my happy mood. I just googled "surgical menopause" and read the first thing I came across-how depressing and scary. Now I know why I don't google.
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