Here Goes!

April Fools' Day, 2009

I've just dropped off the kids and am sitting at home waiting for my ride to my LAST chemo! For the first time, I'm excited to go so I can be done with it. I've got my cool new orange flower hat on, my bag full of rocks, and I'm ready!

Of course, me being the perpetual worrier, and a bit superstitious, I'm worried about it being April Fools Day. I'm meeting with Dr. T first (I met with him in the beginning, in the middle, and now at the end) and what if he tells me I need more chemo? I know this won't happen- he hasn't done any kind of tests that he would base a decision like that on. I just really, really want the chemo to be over and I'm so afraid that maybe it won't really be. Probably an unfounded fear. I do have lots of questions for him that I hope he can answer today- when is my surgery, when is the port coming out (I've heard some people have them left in for a year just in case they need more chemo), when do I meet with a radiation doctor, when do I start radiation, how many days will it be, what further tests will I get, and in general, what will the next few months look like for me. I've gotten into quite the two week routine with chemo and as much as I like my routines, this is one I'll be HAPPY to break. I just would like to know what my new routine is going to be.

Update on my nails. They have not fallen off! They are still loose on the nail beds, and I can see kind of a hallow area underneath them, and there is a gross smell about them. At first I thought it was the fish gloves. In Seaside, I loaned Karina my gloves so she didn't have to touch the dead fish she was feeding to the seals at the aquarium. They spent the rest of the trip wadded up in the trunk. Yesterday F and I put the finishing touches on the garden fence, and I wore the gloves to protect my nails. When I took them off, I noticed a strange fish-like oder. I've since washed my hands many times, and tried using lemon juice on them too. But, this morning there is still a strange odor that seems to be coming from underneath my finger nails. Guess I'll add that to a rock-stinky finger nails. Just one more thing to put up with for a short while, then it'll be gone!

I'm also SO excited that I'm almost done with the steroids! Just a few days of them. This last time I didn't get the depression like before. Even when I was so fatigued and laying in bed, there was no depression. Someone asked me what the difference is between fatigue and depression. For me, laying in bed with depression means as I lay there, thoughts go through my head about how I wish I wasn't laying there and about how I wish I was up doing something fun. With just the fatigue, the thoughts that go through my head are all about how good it feels to lay in bed and how my bed is so comfortable and how I'm so tired and I hope the kids leave me alone so I can just rest.

I've been warned that many people have the hardest recovery period after the last chemo. It's the max amount the doc feels the body can take, so with the last one, the body is completely saturated. I've been told to expect 2-3 weeks of the fatigue to continue and to expect that it might be even worse than what I've experienced so far. Ok, I can be prepared for that. But, my work schedule is picking up some in April, so how am I going to do that with fatigue? I'm hoping that I will be the exception and that with acupuncture and the naturopath, I'll be ok. I do need to keep going to bed early- I'm usually in bed now by 9:00 instead of my normal time of 11:00. And I might need to skip my 8:00 outdoor soccer games for the next month or so. No matter what, I'll manage and nothing can be as bad as the first chemos with all the nausea and misery.

Ride's here, time to go!