The Pre-Chemo Jitters, Again

3/3/09

Here I am, again, another Tuesday before chemo and I can't stop crying. I thought I'd be ok this time because I didn't think I was too scared. But, I stopped in at Sears today to buy a dryer. Mine broke a few days ago and I feel the need to get another one now, before I fall too far behind on laundry. The salesman started asking me too many questions and all of a sudden I felt inadequate (like I have no idea if my plug is the "old" kind or the "new" kind, and no, I don't know how to take the old kind off my dryer and put it on the new one to make it work) and I started crying. I was mortified! I held it back the best I could and finished up and ran to the bathroom and got myself together some and left the store. I had a work meeting to go to next and I had about 20 minutes to get my act together, but I just couldn't stop crying. It really caught me by surprise and I wasn't sure what exactly I was crying about. Somehow I got through the work meeting and went to my acupuncture appointment. I remembered that I usually walk in there crying the day before my chemo. And I always get past it. It's just so frustrating that going to chemo never gets easier.

Today I asked the acupuncturist to help me with my finger pain. The pain has started interfering with me trying to do daily tasks, such as open packages (I'm surprised at how many little packages I'm always opening- tea bags, packs of cheese and lunch meat, toilet paper wrapped in plastic, etc.) I have no strength to tear things open. And, I'm starting to have trouble gripping things with my fingers, like when I try to pick up a flat piece of paper off a table, or even a pencil. So, I found myself with the usual needles in, plus a whole bunch in my feet and toes (which somehow helps my fingers) and with burning moxa stick being applied to my finger tips. I felt like a weird pin cushion. I have so much trust and faith in my acupuncturist that I didn't even mind that the foot/toe needles were painful going in. So far everything she has done for me has improved my side effects. The emu oil has taken care of the hand rash and now my hands are just dry, but NOT bumpy and itchy.

After the acupuncturist I went into Capella for a beet/veggie juice to help bolster up my body for tomorrow. I ran into Nurse Rugby shopping with his cute little boy. It was nice to see that he is a normal guy- just a dad shopping with his kid, and not just the guy that jabs needles into me.

I'm home now and I'm so tired. I just want to head to bed, but I still have homework to help with and kids to interact with and things to get ready for tomorrow. Karina is mad about something small, which means that she is picking up on my mood, which is a big bummer because I've been in such a good mood lately and so have the girls. I hate to see that going away.

I guess my big fear right now is that I may loose my finger nails. It seems so gross to me. Actually, I'm really hopeful that between the acupuncturist and the naturalpath that I'll be seeing on Thursday, I'll be ok. I guess when it comes right down to it, I'm just having some emotions and I'm sure that's perfectly normal to have in the middle of chemo. It's just not too convenient when they decide to come in the middle of SEARS!