Fatigue

3/11/09

The feel good euphoria from last week is totally gone at the moment.  Tonight was day three of getting into my jammies and getting into bed right after work.  The muscle ache is still there, and the fatigue is overwhelming at the moment.  I did get out for a 20 minute walk yesterday after work.  I figured if I was going to end up in bed for the evening, at least I was going to have the memory of a walk to think about.  I went to the Amazon trail and it was cold and hailing, but it felt good to be outside.  My legs hurt so bad that I couldn't walk fast enough to get warm.  I felt like an old, old, lady hobbling along.  Pretty soon an old lady in tennis shoes speed walked right by me and I almost cried.  This is the trail that I was running on just last fall, and here I was, hobbling along.  Today I thought about a walk, but couldn't do it.  I worked at a few preschools today and drove to Junction City, which is about a 30 mile round trip.  I had enough energy to get through the day, but the effort it took exhausted me.  I had a visit with my counselor and she could see how exhausted I was, so she had me lay down on the couch with a blanket and a pillow during our session.  I could have slept for hours.  Getting out of bed in the morning continues to be difficult too.  I'm just so tired.  I wonder if this is going to pass, or if this is the fatigue that I was told about that would happen towards the end of chemo.  

The kids continue to be kind and understanding and tonight they picked up a few extra chores again and even took care of my dishes after dinner.  We have strange dinners- combinations of left overs and of whatever I can grab out of the fridge.  Tonight it was pizza pockets, beef stew, and pears.  They don't find our meals strange at all, and I consider it a MAJOR accomplishment when we eat a meal that is hot.  

My fingers look and feel like they've each been smashed by a hammer.  I bumped a finger today on the counter and the pain was horrible.  I really need to put nail polish on them so I at least don't have to look at the bruising, which I know I was told it's "pigmentation change", but it sure looks and feels like bruising to me.

I know I have less than a month to go, but I can't be spending every evening in bed, not with the weather being so sunny and it staying light later.  I got the girls some craft materials, so at least they had fun tonight creating decorated purses and hats.  I really wanted to do something fun with them outside.  I can't wait till it's warm enough for the hammocks and I can just lay in one in the sun while they play in the back yard.

I called my acupuncturist for some ideas, and she suggested a hot bath, arnica cream, and eating ginger and greens.  I know self-care is important right now, but it took a huge effort to roll over, get the arnica cream, and put it on.  I did it though, along with the bath and the ginger.  I also put more St. John's Wart on my fingers and called a friend who is bringing me a fresh veggie juice soon.  And I took some motrin and ativan.  The doctor told me to just take whatever I needed to take to get through the pain because it's important that I continue on with the chemo.  I was also reminded to LISTEN to my body and do what it is telling me to do.  It is telling me to REST right now, so that's what I'm supposed to be doing.  This is very, very hard for me to do.  I was also reminded that I WON'T feel this way for ever and that the end is in sight.  I got scared tonight, thinking that I was going to feel this way for the rest of my life.  Kind of like when that tube was in my body for 3 weeks- I felt like it was never going to come out.  And now I can barely remember what it felt like.  This too shall pass.  This too shall pass.  Maybe I should just embrace it and get some good books and movies and settle in for a few evenings of leisure.  Painful leisure.