Lurking Ghouls

3/14/09

Depression for me is like lurking ghouls grabbing at my ankles, trying to pull me down into a pile of muck.  I haven't really had to tangle with them since I went through THE DIVORCE 4 years ago.  Back then, I couldn't sleep well at night, and I would wake up fatigued and exhausted, and I was in such a weakened emotional state that it was hard to fight them off.  I finally went to my doctor, and he wanted to put me on anti-depressants.  But I felt that if I could just shake the exhaustion and sleep at night I'd be ok.  So he gave me sleeping pills instead, and once I was able to sleep at night, the ghouls went away.  Yesterday they were back again, I think because the fatigue gave them an opening.  I was driving to work and I could feel them at my ankles, pulling me down.  I've learned over the years in alanon how to fight them.  The key for me is EXTREME self-care.  For me this means good food, companionship, exercise, time outside, prayer, and rest.  I started of with getting myself a veggie juice from Capella, then called a friend.  I had to go into work and usually that's enough to distract me, but it didn't work yesterday.  I had trouble controlling my tears and I was so impatient with myself.  I'm not really sad about anything in particular, just very much worn down and tired and my body has been under siege for 4 months now. After work I got out for a walk and got to enjoy the sunshine for almost an hour.  When I got home I crawled into bed for a rest, and I went to bed early and got a good night's sleep.  I'm ok now, but the ghouls creep me out and I really, really don't want them in my life.  This morning I was looking out at the grey sky and I could feel them grabbing at me again.  I fought them off this time with some music, a good breakfast, and by talking to some friends.  I made it through the day, and I'm having a rest now before making dinner.  I feel like I've been fighting off the ghouls all day, but I think they're gone now.  I'm trying to accept the fact that I may be fatigued for the next month or so.  If I can just accept that, and take it easy, I think I'll be ok.  I miss my old self- the one with all the energy that could take the girls on outings and keep up with their energy level.  I'm reminded of that image I had way back when during one of my MRI's where I could see the tree with the autumn leaves blowing on it.  I had the thought that my body would be going into a period of rest, like the tree, for awhile.  But, I would bloom in the spring.  Well, it's getting to be spring and everything around me is blooming, but I'm still in my period of rest.  It's frustrating.  In my mind I'm hurling insults and sharp objects at the ghouls around my ankles.  I'm determined.  They WON'T get me!