Another Good Day

5/6/09

Another good day of feeling NORMAL!  I went for a 30 minute walk today and felt great, but by the time I got home, I was pretty tired.  I just realized that I'm pretty sore too.  I've got a soccer game and a babysitter tomorrow, so I'm going to give it a try.  I hope I can hang onto my gratitude for normalcy.  I remember in the Gulf War we didn't have showers.  In order to bathe, I would stand in an outside, make-shift shelter, strip down, and use cold bottled water to wash with.  This went on for 9 months and in the winter months it was terribly cold and miserable.  Once I got back to the U.S.  I had such gratitude for hot showers.  I would stand in the shower and just be filled with joy.  That was so many years ago, but I've held onto that hot-shower-gratitude.  Every morning I spend a few minutes in the shower bathed in gratitude.  

My hope is that I will come out of this period of sickness bathed in gratitude for all the things I never thought about before.  I can imagine how rich and full and happy my life could be if I lived in gratitude every day.  

7 Down, 26 To Go!

Casualty of the Chemo War and Running

5/5/09

A big high and a low today.  First the high.  I went running again today after radiation.  It rained and rained again, but I went anyway.  This time I ran for a full 30 minutes!  I felt so good- no cramping, no muscle aches.  I ran slow and steady and felt like I could have gone faster, but I'm still taking it easy.  I had a sense today that I'm not starting as low as I thought with my fitness level.  I think it will come back to me fairly quickly.  I had such gratitude today for being able to run, for feeling healthy, and for feeling normal.  I'd like to hold onto that- gratitude for being able to exercise.  This is way different than I used to feel about exercise- I did it mostly for the feeling I'd get afterwards, and for the results.  It feels great to be enjoying exercise when I'm right in the middle of it.

I was so happy again today.  I had an acupuncture appointment and had hardly anything wrong with me to report.  Mostly just sleep stuff and hot flashes.  This is way different than when I used to go in with 4 or 5 complaints.

Ok, here's the casualty of the chemo war- I lost a nail today.  My feelings about it have caught me by surprise.  I noticed it had split today at work, way down low where the dead part attaches to the new, live part.  I thought I could just go buy some nail glue and glue it back together.  But by the time I finished work and got to the store, it was just hanging on by a thread.  I looked at the store and didn't find any nail glue.  I sat down for a bit and thought about what I wanted to do.  I was still on my running high and feeling great and I decided I didn't care about losing a nail, especially since I can see the new nail growing back.  I pulled it all the way off.  Looking at it on the way out of the store I started crying.  I can't figure out why I started crying.  It really doesn't look too terrible.  I think it has something to do with trying so hard to keep my nails, and losing it this long after the end of chemo makes me feel like a hand from the grave reached out and goosed me.  But really, the truth of chemo is that it got my hair, and it got a nail, but it didn't get me!  And, hopefully, it got any remaining cancer cells.  I guess I can afford to grieve the loss of a nail.

Radiation was not so quick today.  It was x-ray day, which they do every 5 or 6 days.  In addition to the regular radiation, I get several x-rays taken to check my position and make sure the radiation is going where it's supposed to be going.  I'm growing to like the darlings (these are the two young lady assistants who get me positioned on the table and who call me "darling".  It makes me smile inside because they are so much younger than me).  The rapster tech didn't come out of the control room today.  Which is just as well.  The darlings are much sweeter.  They have started heating up a heating pad for me to have on my stomach each time.  I had told them how I didn't like being cold in the cold room, so they said they'd do a heating pad for me.  They also showed me where to get a prettier gown- a pink one with an easier opening.  I think it's so nice of them to take the time to try to make me more comfortable.

6 Down, 27 To Go!

Running Again!

5/4/09

I went for a run today!  I told myself last week that I wanted to start running today.  It rained and rained and rained non-stop all day, but I went anyway.  I brought my running clothes to radiation and went right after, by the river.  I set a goal of moving for 30 minutes, running when I could and walking when I got tired.  I was able to run for 10 minutes without stopping.  I ran very slow, but it felt great!  Well, it felt mentally great.  My poor leg muscles started hurting and it felt as if I'd never run before.  It was especially sweet to run today as I ran on the same course that the Eugene marathon runners ran on yesterday- the markings were still on the pavement.  I was so inspired and I thought about how hard it must be to run a marathon, but they do it by just putting one foot in front of the other.  I realize that I am starting way, way below where I used to be with fitness, but it felt so great to start that I don't even care where I'm at right now.  I didn't make it the whole 30 minutes- I went for about 25, then started cramping and had to hobble back to the car.  The funny thing is that it hurt just as bad as yesterday in the mall.  But I was so happy that I didn't care about the pain- it just felt like intense exercise pain.  At the mall when it started hurting, I started crying.  Partly from the pain and partly because it was so discouraging to be unable to walk the length of a stupid shopping mall.  Today I got home and was pretty sore- my leg muscles and my surgery area, but I am feeling very happy!  Same pain, different reactions.

5 Down, 28 To Go!

2 Steps Forward, 1 Step Back

5/3/09

I didn't make it to soccer today.  I did have an ok day, overall.  I got up the energy to clean my back porch.  It has been a mess for months now.  I struggled a bit this weekend trying to remember what I used to do on weekends before I was always resting.  I finally had the girls and I write down fun weekend things to do on slips of paper (a great suggestion from D).   We put the slips into two containers- one for nice day things to do and one for rainy day things to do.  The idea is that when we are stuck, unable to remember what we used to do for fun, we can just pick something from a container.  Today we picked going to a movie.  My stomach ache was gone and I was feeling pretty good.  I planned on walking around the mall a bit after the movie.  We got to the other side of the mall when I started cramping.  Sometimes I get what feels like two really bad side aches.  This happened today and I had to hobble my way through the mall and back to the car for some pain killers.  It hurt worse and worse as I walked and I got so very discouraged.  It is so frustrating to have the motivation to start being more active again, but lack the physical ability.  I guess my brain is more ready than my body is.  I realized today that I've been doing the cancer thing for six months now.  No wonder I'm worn down.  I'm going to work on having more compassion and understanding for myself.

Getting My Life Back

5/2/09

I got to go out tonight, on a Saturday night.  This is a BIG DEAL because for a long time now I've been too tired and too sick to go out in the evening.  It was fun to get a babysitter, get dressed up and go out with friends. What a normal thing to do.  I looked at myself in the mirror in the bathroom and I even looked normal.  Maybe soon I'll start to FEEL normal again.  I ended up getting super tired and came home early, but it was fun anyway.  I even got to drink a margarita.  What a thrill!  I haven't drank alcohol in months, aside from the toast I had to celebrate the end of chemo.

My stomach still hurts.  I'm beginning to think maybe it's a side effect of the arimidex.  Another good night's sleep last night!  And no nightmares.  I think I may be getting my normal life back.  I never thought I'd be so grateful for NORMALCY!

4 down, 29 more

5/1/09

I got the stomach thing.  Drat!  Just when I was feeling better too.  It's so nice, though, because this just feels like a regular sickness, nothing like chemo sickness.  I had a couple of interesting insights today.  I got to radiation early and went for a short walk.  I walked past a fertility clinic, which is next door.  I had a sudden wave of gratitude for the two good ovaries that served me well when I needed them to.  I got two amazing, beautiful kids out of them with no trouble at all.  I felt so blessed and lucky to have had my children before I lost my ovaries.  The sadness I've felt at having them gone left me on my walk.

Inside, I heard a woman on her cell phone in the waiting room.  She was talking to someone about wanting to have a celebration that night because she had just finished her 5 year check up and didn't have to take her arimidex any more.  It occurred to me that I won't have to take it for my whole life, and that in 5 years I'll be the one having a celebration.  So, whoever wants to come, put it on your calendar for Apr 27, 20014 to come celebrate with me!

And finally, I was feeling bad for once again having to go into a place with so many, many elderly people.  I haven't seen anyone anywhere close to my age in the cancer center.  I've been thinking for a while now how unfair it is that I got cancer at my age.  In the waiting area I spoke with an older woman there for treatment too.  I realized while speaking to her that her life is just as precious to her as my life is to me.  It doesn't matter how old a person is, cancer SUCKS at any age, and life is precious at any age.  It left me feeling like maybe in a way I'm lucky.  I will have more time to experience the new, deep appreciation I have for life.  

3 Down, 30 More!

May 1st, 2009

I'm home again today with two sick kids.  The killer Chavez stomach bug (109 of about 400 kids were out of school- Chavez Elementary- yesterday) struck here.  I think I have a touch of it too, so I'm taking it easy today.  We got to sleep in till 10:00 this morning, and it felt SO GOOD to finally catch up on my sleep. 

I'm happy to say my sleep has been better the past few nights, and my hot flashes have been down to 1 a night.  I'm thinking the acupuncture must be helping!  I actually had a good dream for a change.  I was traveling on a cool trip to Australia.  

I found out yesterday (not a dream) that I have the opportunity to take a trip to Vancouver, Canada in June (thanks to my nice friend R).  I'm so excited! The apartment the girls and I can stay in is right down town and close to beaches and swimming pools.  I had the thought that by then I'll have about 1 1/2 inches of hair and no one will know me there, so I can go hatless and wigless and enjoy some freedom!  

I'm also happy to say that my mood has been pretty stable and I haven't felt like a crazy person in a few days at least!  I'm hoping that I'll have energy to play with the girls some this weekend. I've got a soccer game on Sunday that I'd love to go to.  I'll wait and see how I'm feeling.  The great thing is that I'm realizing that I will be able to play soccer again, and run again.  Last week I felt like I'd never be able be active again.  I'm so glad I'm past that!