1/30/09
The girls and I finally made it to the hot springs. I've been wishing to go all winter and haven't been able to until today. It was a perfect day. The sky was blue, the weather was crisp, and there was snow!!! We finally got to make our snowman that I wasn't able to help with last month when it snowed. We made a cute little hula snow girl complete with a hula skirt. Karina fell partially through some ice into a little pond and got super cold, and I had to pull her out and up a small incline. The hot springs felt extra nice once we jumped in. It is so beautiful there- I love to lay on my back in the water and look up at the trees and the blue sky, and I love to rest my head on the edge and look at the river rushing by. The drive back was hard- I was very tired and I've been unable to drink coffee, so it was all I could do to stay awake. The night after my blood draw I was up till 3:30 in the morning, unable to sleep. It made Thursday at work hard, and I'm still not caught up on my sleep. I went in today for another shot and learned that I will need more this weekend, and another blood draw on Monday, and possibly another shot then. All to get ready for my next round of chemo on Wed. This will make a total of 9 days worth of shots- YIKES! Today the nurse had me put ice on the area first, and I didn't feel the shot at all. But still, nine shots is a bit much. My body is struggling a bit this week. I've had horrible heart burn and my stomach hurts. It feels like I swallowed acid. It hurts to swallow food. I am having a hard time not picturing the chemo eating my stomach away. My old stand by of peanut butter and jelly and milk and yogurt are what I've been mostly living off of. Although I have had periods of time when I can eat well, so I can't complain too much.
A friend gave me a pedicure last night, so I have pretty toe nails again! I remember getting one just before my last surgery, and it was nice when I was so miserable laying in bed to look at my toe nails and have at least one part of my body that looked and felt good. I'm glad the time is rushing by, but sometimes it goes by too fast. Part of me wishes for a longer break between chemos. I hate having just a few good days before I've got to do it all again. It can't last forever. It can't last forever. It can't last forever. It WON'T last forever.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
NEEDLES SUCK!!! And GRATITUDE
1/28/09
Well, I'm getting more experience with holding a plan loosely in case it needs to change. Another 10 minute blood draw today turned into a 2 hour stay at the doctor's office. My white cell count is low, and my red cells are a bit low, I have a urinary tract infection- my first ever, and I was dehydrated and still nauseous (that is a hard word to spell! and I never know for sure if it's nauseous or nauseated- any grammar buffs out there know?) So, Nurse Zach "accessed my port", which is nurse-speak for he stuck a one inch needle through my upper chest and into the port-a-cath, which is supposed to be easier than a regular IV. Only today he missed the first time so it just felt like someone was sticking a one inch needle into my chest. There were two sweet elderly men sitting nearby getting chemo, and I yelled out and cussed and then just cried and I startled them and I've NEVER seen these guys startled before, much less even awake looking. I startled some of the staff too and they were all so very sweet. I think I startled myself a bit too. I just can't hold in my emotions and I HATE being stuck with needles. I got the blood draw right before and yet another shot afterwards. I have to have 2 more shots over the next 2 days to boost my white blood cells. Next time they will just do the one super shot. I got some anti-nausea medicine in the IV, so the good news is when I left I had more of an appetite. I had a good dinner tonight of beef stew, salad, and avocado. I treated my self to lunch at Sweet Life and a yummy muffin to cheer myself up a bit. It didn't help much. It was recommended that I have wheat grass to boost my iron. Anyone have any ideas or tips or good sources for getting some wheat grass? I'm supposed to eat beets too, but my stomach just won't tolerate them right now.
Ok, time to go to my gratitude list. I am SO happy that they are checking my blood each week and that they can catch these things that are wrong before they go too far and get too serious. Right now these things just cause me discomfort, but no real harm. The urinary thing kept me up much of the night, so I know I am tired now and things always look bad when I'm tired. I am SO grateful that they were able to give me fluids since I have been too sick to drink much. And the anti-nausea stuff they gave me is supposed to last 5 days. They are trying really hard to keep me healthy enough to keep my chemo schedule on track. That is a plan that I should practice holding loosely. I've got it stuck in my mind that my last treatment is on April Fool's Day, but I know that could get delayed if I get sick. I am visualizing HEALTH through the next few months for myself.
Work was nice. Even though I was exhausted and not feeling too well and sad, I went in this afternoon and got to do my new, temporary job of phone screenings. It is actually kind of relaxing sitting in my office and talking on the phone. I wouldn't want to do it forever, but it is a perfect pace for now. One I did today was kind of hard and long, and even though I felt crappy, I found myself still enjoying the work. It is so nice to feel useful and to feel like I'm doing something important in the world.
I am overwhelmed and deeply touched by the generosity of so many people. I got a really cool head scarf today from a co-worker who made it for me. I LOVE how I look in it- sort of tough and feminine at the same time. I think I look a little like a biker chick and it makes me laugh to see myself because I've always sort of glamorized bikers' lifestyles, but am nowhere near being a biker and this gives me a little alter-ego to have fun with. And, many, many different friends are planning fundraisers for both me and another young woman in my community who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. The fundraisers are very creative and cool and I am so honored to be part of such a compassionate, creative, hip community. Moving back to Eugene after getting divorced was one of the best decisions I've ever made for myself. I remember praying and checking in with my intuition about that move, and I clearly got the message that this would be the best place to raise my girls and to be a single parent. Tonight I don't feel quite so single- I feel wrapped up by a big village.
Well, I'm getting more experience with holding a plan loosely in case it needs to change. Another 10 minute blood draw today turned into a 2 hour stay at the doctor's office. My white cell count is low, and my red cells are a bit low, I have a urinary tract infection- my first ever, and I was dehydrated and still nauseous (that is a hard word to spell! and I never know for sure if it's nauseous or nauseated- any grammar buffs out there know?) So, Nurse Zach "accessed my port", which is nurse-speak for he stuck a one inch needle through my upper chest and into the port-a-cath, which is supposed to be easier than a regular IV. Only today he missed the first time so it just felt like someone was sticking a one inch needle into my chest. There were two sweet elderly men sitting nearby getting chemo, and I yelled out and cussed and then just cried and I startled them and I've NEVER seen these guys startled before, much less even awake looking. I startled some of the staff too and they were all so very sweet. I think I startled myself a bit too. I just can't hold in my emotions and I HATE being stuck with needles. I got the blood draw right before and yet another shot afterwards. I have to have 2 more shots over the next 2 days to boost my white blood cells. Next time they will just do the one super shot. I got some anti-nausea medicine in the IV, so the good news is when I left I had more of an appetite. I had a good dinner tonight of beef stew, salad, and avocado. I treated my self to lunch at Sweet Life and a yummy muffin to cheer myself up a bit. It didn't help much. It was recommended that I have wheat grass to boost my iron. Anyone have any ideas or tips or good sources for getting some wheat grass? I'm supposed to eat beets too, but my stomach just won't tolerate them right now.
Ok, time to go to my gratitude list. I am SO happy that they are checking my blood each week and that they can catch these things that are wrong before they go too far and get too serious. Right now these things just cause me discomfort, but no real harm. The urinary thing kept me up much of the night, so I know I am tired now and things always look bad when I'm tired. I am SO grateful that they were able to give me fluids since I have been too sick to drink much. And the anti-nausea stuff they gave me is supposed to last 5 days. They are trying really hard to keep me healthy enough to keep my chemo schedule on track. That is a plan that I should practice holding loosely. I've got it stuck in my mind that my last treatment is on April Fool's Day, but I know that could get delayed if I get sick. I am visualizing HEALTH through the next few months for myself.
Work was nice. Even though I was exhausted and not feeling too well and sad, I went in this afternoon and got to do my new, temporary job of phone screenings. It is actually kind of relaxing sitting in my office and talking on the phone. I wouldn't want to do it forever, but it is a perfect pace for now. One I did today was kind of hard and long, and even though I felt crappy, I found myself still enjoying the work. It is so nice to feel useful and to feel like I'm doing something important in the world.
I am overwhelmed and deeply touched by the generosity of so many people. I got a really cool head scarf today from a co-worker who made it for me. I LOVE how I look in it- sort of tough and feminine at the same time. I think I look a little like a biker chick and it makes me laugh to see myself because I've always sort of glamorized bikers' lifestyles, but am nowhere near being a biker and this gives me a little alter-ego to have fun with. And, many, many different friends are planning fundraisers for both me and another young woman in my community who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. The fundraisers are very creative and cool and I am so honored to be part of such a compassionate, creative, hip community. Moving back to Eugene after getting divorced was one of the best decisions I've ever made for myself. I remember praying and checking in with my intuition about that move, and I clearly got the message that this would be the best place to raise my girls and to be a single parent. Tonight I don't feel quite so single- I feel wrapped up by a big village.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Ultimate Self Care...and Back to Work
1/26/09
It was another Monday and back to work for me today. Luckily I was feeling pretty good all day, just not too much of an appetite. I couldn't face the wig after so many days of wearing the buff, so I just wore the buff today. Plus, I had a bunch of appointments scheduled and felt like the wig would get in the way. I was a little nervous going into work, but I felt more like myself with it on. Maybe. We'll see what I wear tomorrow. I went into one preschool today and the kids didn't say one word about it. Work was nice. It feels SO GOOD to do something normal like go to work. I sure never truly appreciated my ability to work before all this.
I ran into a woman I kind of know and she asked me what my prognosis was. I had heard that people sometimes ask that. What a weird question. It's like asking anyone "when are you going to die"? I don't know what my prognosis is, just like none of us knows what life holds in store. All I know is that Dr. T told me that the cancer doesn't "come back". It's either already spread from the original tumor, or it hasn't. It can't spread any more, because the tumor has been removed. If it has spread, the chemo will wipe it out, or it won't. I won't know ever really. If it comes back, I guess my prognosis was bad. If it doesn't, then I had a good prognosis. I have a very strong gut feeling that it didn't spread and that I'll live to be 100 or so. But, in the mean time I'm enjoying and appreciating every little bit of being alive. One of Karina's friends, a girl her age, died this past week. The girls and I have been talking about death and Karina was really surprised that a kid her age could die. I think it has left her feeling that life is fragile, whether someone has cancer or is just a regular kid going about her regular life. She's been exceptionally affectionate with me this past week. I think the three of us are all learning how much we mean to each other and how much we cherish each other.
I started the day with seeing the PT for lymph massage. I ended the day with a visit to the chiropractor and a hot stone massage. The hot stone lady also did some lymph massage also. I can't believe how much better my arm has gotten- the chiropractor has really helped to loosen up my stiff shoulder, and the massage was just heavenly. The lymph massage is supposed to help keep my arm swelling down, and also help to move the chemo through my body. Dr. T's assistant told me that studies have shown that regular massage shortly after chemo helps to lessen the side effects. So, I'm planning to schedule a massage after each treatment. I hardly ever fall asleep on my own any more, but I almost did on the massage table today. There is something really grounding about the hot stones- hard to explain, but somehow I just felt my body sinking into the earth and feeling deeply rooted and strong.
I felt so good this morning that I made pancakes for breakfast. We have eaten for so long out of the freezer and cardboard boxes that it was a NICE treat to have pancakes. Kaycee overheard me on the phone a while back saying that the girls love all the meals people have been bringing us because my cooking isn't so great. She told me after that that she misses my cooking and that she actually thinks I'm a good cook. I guess they are learning to appreciate the little things too! I have written about how happy they have been, and I realized today that I can take some of the credit for that. I have been pretty peaceful and happy lately too, and the girls always seem to reflect my moods and emotional state. When I'm hysterical and crying all the time, that's when they get scared and unhappy. It's a nice reminder that when I take care of myself, I am actually taking care of them too.
It was another Monday and back to work for me today. Luckily I was feeling pretty good all day, just not too much of an appetite. I couldn't face the wig after so many days of wearing the buff, so I just wore the buff today. Plus, I had a bunch of appointments scheduled and felt like the wig would get in the way. I was a little nervous going into work, but I felt more like myself with it on. Maybe. We'll see what I wear tomorrow. I went into one preschool today and the kids didn't say one word about it. Work was nice. It feels SO GOOD to do something normal like go to work. I sure never truly appreciated my ability to work before all this.
I ran into a woman I kind of know and she asked me what my prognosis was. I had heard that people sometimes ask that. What a weird question. It's like asking anyone "when are you going to die"? I don't know what my prognosis is, just like none of us knows what life holds in store. All I know is that Dr. T told me that the cancer doesn't "come back". It's either already spread from the original tumor, or it hasn't. It can't spread any more, because the tumor has been removed. If it has spread, the chemo will wipe it out, or it won't. I won't know ever really. If it comes back, I guess my prognosis was bad. If it doesn't, then I had a good prognosis. I have a very strong gut feeling that it didn't spread and that I'll live to be 100 or so. But, in the mean time I'm enjoying and appreciating every little bit of being alive. One of Karina's friends, a girl her age, died this past week. The girls and I have been talking about death and Karina was really surprised that a kid her age could die. I think it has left her feeling that life is fragile, whether someone has cancer or is just a regular kid going about her regular life. She's been exceptionally affectionate with me this past week. I think the three of us are all learning how much we mean to each other and how much we cherish each other.
I started the day with seeing the PT for lymph massage. I ended the day with a visit to the chiropractor and a hot stone massage. The hot stone lady also did some lymph massage also. I can't believe how much better my arm has gotten- the chiropractor has really helped to loosen up my stiff shoulder, and the massage was just heavenly. The lymph massage is supposed to help keep my arm swelling down, and also help to move the chemo through my body. Dr. T's assistant told me that studies have shown that regular massage shortly after chemo helps to lessen the side effects. So, I'm planning to schedule a massage after each treatment. I hardly ever fall asleep on my own any more, but I almost did on the massage table today. There is something really grounding about the hot stones- hard to explain, but somehow I just felt my body sinking into the earth and feeling deeply rooted and strong.
I felt so good this morning that I made pancakes for breakfast. We have eaten for so long out of the freezer and cardboard boxes that it was a NICE treat to have pancakes. Kaycee overheard me on the phone a while back saying that the girls love all the meals people have been bringing us because my cooking isn't so great. She told me after that that she misses my cooking and that she actually thinks I'm a good cook. I guess they are learning to appreciate the little things too! I have written about how happy they have been, and I realized today that I can take some of the credit for that. I have been pretty peaceful and happy lately too, and the girls always seem to reflect my moods and emotional state. When I'm hysterical and crying all the time, that's when they get scared and unhappy. It's a nice reminder that when I take care of myself, I am actually taking care of them too.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Up and Down and Up and Down and....
1/25/09
And so it goes. I woke up not quite sure if I was feeling ok enough for a game of soccer. But, I really wanted to go, so I ate some breakfast, drove to D's house where she gave me the last of 4 shots for the week, then on to my soccer game. I felt marginally ok going in, but the smells really got to me. The bathroom smelled of pine cleaner and the rest of the place smelled like hot, dirty sneakers. Gross, gross, gross. Once I was on the field playing, though, I didn't notice anything but how good it felt to be out there. I got two shots at the goal! Ah, it felt so good. I could play for about 5 minutes, then I subbed out. During the second half I started to get motion sickness. I thought about leaving, but really didn't want to. I stayed for the whole game and felt that after soccer rush for most of the day.
I had the opportunity, with both kids hanging out with friends, to meet F for lunch at the Keystone Cafe. It was SO NICE to get out of the house and I was starving by the time I got there. I've not been wearing the wig since Wed, so I decided to keep it off and I went out in the buff (my green head scarf looking thing). I put on some pretty earrings and some make-up and it wasn't so bad. The food tasted so good, but I got full pretty fast. I went to the grocery store afterwards and I was feeling so good that I just decided to meet people's stares with a smile. Everyone smiled back! I think, really, that people are just curious. It's not such a big deal after all.
I took Karina to her basketball game tonight and again it was hard being in a gym. The noise really got to me, and of course those lovely smells again. But, there was no way I was going to miss it. She was so beautiful to watch. At home, I got the girls dinner and as I was getting it together, I started to feel really sick. I got it all together for them, but had to go lay down on the couch while they ate. I ended up taking the anti-nausea medicine, figuring it was late enough at night and I wasn't doing any more driving, so it didn't matter if I got groggy. I had to throw my dinner out, but I did have a bit of soup and that is settling all right for now.
My big concern right now is my cough. Every time I try to talk, I end up coughing. I googled "chemo cough" to see what is going on. Big mistake. I know better than to google, but sometimes I forget. It said all sorts of horrible things relating to chemo and coughing. The doc wasn't too concerned last time, so I guess I'll just mention it again on Wed. Boy, those lists of side effects are so scary- it's a wonder anyone ever decides to get chemo! The most gruesome one I've read yet is having one's finger nails fall off- I just picture interrogators ripping prisoners' finger nails off. There goes my over active imagination again. God, please let me keep my finger nails!
And so it goes. I woke up not quite sure if I was feeling ok enough for a game of soccer. But, I really wanted to go, so I ate some breakfast, drove to D's house where she gave me the last of 4 shots for the week, then on to my soccer game. I felt marginally ok going in, but the smells really got to me. The bathroom smelled of pine cleaner and the rest of the place smelled like hot, dirty sneakers. Gross, gross, gross. Once I was on the field playing, though, I didn't notice anything but how good it felt to be out there. I got two shots at the goal! Ah, it felt so good. I could play for about 5 minutes, then I subbed out. During the second half I started to get motion sickness. I thought about leaving, but really didn't want to. I stayed for the whole game and felt that after soccer rush for most of the day.
I had the opportunity, with both kids hanging out with friends, to meet F for lunch at the Keystone Cafe. It was SO NICE to get out of the house and I was starving by the time I got there. I've not been wearing the wig since Wed, so I decided to keep it off and I went out in the buff (my green head scarf looking thing). I put on some pretty earrings and some make-up and it wasn't so bad. The food tasted so good, but I got full pretty fast. I went to the grocery store afterwards and I was feeling so good that I just decided to meet people's stares with a smile. Everyone smiled back! I think, really, that people are just curious. It's not such a big deal after all.
I took Karina to her basketball game tonight and again it was hard being in a gym. The noise really got to me, and of course those lovely smells again. But, there was no way I was going to miss it. She was so beautiful to watch. At home, I got the girls dinner and as I was getting it together, I started to feel really sick. I got it all together for them, but had to go lay down on the couch while they ate. I ended up taking the anti-nausea medicine, figuring it was late enough at night and I wasn't doing any more driving, so it didn't matter if I got groggy. I had to throw my dinner out, but I did have a bit of soup and that is settling all right for now.
My big concern right now is my cough. Every time I try to talk, I end up coughing. I googled "chemo cough" to see what is going on. Big mistake. I know better than to google, but sometimes I forget. It said all sorts of horrible things relating to chemo and coughing. The doc wasn't too concerned last time, so I guess I'll just mention it again on Wed. Boy, those lists of side effects are so scary- it's a wonder anyone ever decides to get chemo! The most gruesome one I've read yet is having one's finger nails fall off- I just picture interrogators ripping prisoners' finger nails off. There goes my over active imagination again. God, please let me keep my finger nails!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Thank You God!
1/24/09
I prayed and prayed this time that the chemo could be a little gentler on me, and I have to thank God, because my prayers were answered. This time was WAY better than last time. Which doesn't mean it was easy, but I'll take this time over last time any time!
My biggest complaint was the nausea. My second biggest complain was the boredom. Here's what I did different this time:
First, I really did pray, on my knees in my bathroom with a candle. Second, I made NO plans to do anything outside the house, other than go in for my shot and my acupuncture on Thursday. Other than that, I didn't leave the house for two days. I stayed as still as I could- either on the couch or in bed. I had extra acupuncture (the day before and the day after) and I had extra reiki (the day of, just after the chemo). I had two of my favorite people with me during the chemo- B at the beginning and F at the end. I got a list of foods to eat to help support my liver and to help decrease the body ache feeling. The main ones I ate were beets and salmon. I tried to eat really well during the preceding week. I took something called Astragalus, which is an herb (I think- it's in a liquid solution) that is supposed to lessen the side effects of chemo, I had D spend three nights with me- I am so lucky that she was able to- so I didn't have to try to fix my own food, I had the kids spend time with friends so I didn't need to take care of them (thank you thank you kind friends who cared for the girls!), I took ginger pills, I slept a lot, and I took the anti-nausea medication exactly as prescribed (which means I took it before I started feeling really bad).
I'm trying to record all this so I can remember to do it next time. I did have a lot of nausea in spite of all this, but I made it through ok. I was able to eat at least three times a day, just very small amounts. I ended up liking yogurt and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches the best. Today I was able to eat real food again, just small amounts. It was hard staying so still for so long, and I would get to feeling better, so I would get up and try a little something, like unloading the dishwasher, and I would get that horrible car sickness feeling right away, so back to bed I'd go. Each day when I started to get really frustrated and bored, a friend just happened to call and come for a visit, so it was bearable. It was also so nice having D spend the night- it took away the fear that I'd be all alone in the house and be too sick to take care of myself, and she was able to give me my shot each morning without me having to drive across town to the doctor's office. I've got one more shot to go tomorrow, then I'm done with needles until my blood draw on Wednesday.
Today I was very tired but I was still able to get to an Alanon meeting. I had a long afternoon nap (Karina was at the Duck game with a friend- thank you friend! and Kaycee colored and watched a movie). After my nap I took Kaycee to her first ever basketball game (where she played). It was hard being in the gym because I've found that smells really make me feel bad. It doesn't seem to matter if it's a really bad smell or just a regular smell, just any smell turns my stomach. Being in the gym was hard because there were a lot of smells. But, there was no way I was going to miss her first game. She was so beautiful to watch! My graceful fairy is showing her strong athletic side more and more. After the game we went to the Y for a swim and the girls were so happy. I've really noticed lately how happy they are. At the Y I was able to sweat a bunch in the wet sauna and even some in the dry sauna. The locker room was hard, though, more smells to turn my stomach. I tried keeping a scarf on my head in the wet sauna, then couldn't bear it so I went completely bald for the first time in the locker room. I got a LOT of stares- open and long ones from little kids, and sneaky- I'm checking you out but I know it's rude so I'm going to pretend I'm not- ones from adults. The best I could do today was to just try not to make eye contact with anyone and to pretend I didn't notice. It is getting a little bit easier. I've gone outside at home a few times and just forgotten to cover my head, so I'm sure the neighbors have seen. I'm caring less and less as time goes on.
I got the sweetest gifts today. In the Alanon meeting, many people knit and crochet the most beautiful things. I watched a woman crocheting a really cool hat during the meeting, and at the end, she gave it to me! It's furry and when I wear it, it feels a little bit like I have bangs. It's very thick and warm and made of festive colors. Then, before I could leave, someone else gave me an entire meal that he had made for the girls and I, and in the parking lot he noticed the big scrape on my car. The scrape from when I was trying to parallel park way back when before my surgery and I was crying all the time and yelling at the kids and not paying attention. He just happened to have something in his car that he rubbed on the scrape and poof, it's gone! I realized that I'm not that hysterical, terrified person that I was just a few months ago in the middle of the surgeries. I'm still scared much of the time, but that initial, awful, the news is so fresh, feeling has passed. Now I'm smack in the middle of it and the end will be in sight soon!
I really, really, really want to be feeling well enough to play in my soccer game tomorrow. If only the indoor place didn't stink so bad!
I prayed and prayed this time that the chemo could be a little gentler on me, and I have to thank God, because my prayers were answered. This time was WAY better than last time. Which doesn't mean it was easy, but I'll take this time over last time any time!
My biggest complaint was the nausea. My second biggest complain was the boredom. Here's what I did different this time:
First, I really did pray, on my knees in my bathroom with a candle. Second, I made NO plans to do anything outside the house, other than go in for my shot and my acupuncture on Thursday. Other than that, I didn't leave the house for two days. I stayed as still as I could- either on the couch or in bed. I had extra acupuncture (the day before and the day after) and I had extra reiki (the day of, just after the chemo). I had two of my favorite people with me during the chemo- B at the beginning and F at the end. I got a list of foods to eat to help support my liver and to help decrease the body ache feeling. The main ones I ate were beets and salmon. I tried to eat really well during the preceding week. I took something called Astragalus, which is an herb (I think- it's in a liquid solution) that is supposed to lessen the side effects of chemo, I had D spend three nights with me- I am so lucky that she was able to- so I didn't have to try to fix my own food, I had the kids spend time with friends so I didn't need to take care of them (thank you thank you kind friends who cared for the girls!), I took ginger pills, I slept a lot, and I took the anti-nausea medication exactly as prescribed (which means I took it before I started feeling really bad).
I'm trying to record all this so I can remember to do it next time. I did have a lot of nausea in spite of all this, but I made it through ok. I was able to eat at least three times a day, just very small amounts. I ended up liking yogurt and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches the best. Today I was able to eat real food again, just small amounts. It was hard staying so still for so long, and I would get to feeling better, so I would get up and try a little something, like unloading the dishwasher, and I would get that horrible car sickness feeling right away, so back to bed I'd go. Each day when I started to get really frustrated and bored, a friend just happened to call and come for a visit, so it was bearable. It was also so nice having D spend the night- it took away the fear that I'd be all alone in the house and be too sick to take care of myself, and she was able to give me my shot each morning without me having to drive across town to the doctor's office. I've got one more shot to go tomorrow, then I'm done with needles until my blood draw on Wednesday.
Today I was very tired but I was still able to get to an Alanon meeting. I had a long afternoon nap (Karina was at the Duck game with a friend- thank you friend! and Kaycee colored and watched a movie). After my nap I took Kaycee to her first ever basketball game (where she played). It was hard being in the gym because I've found that smells really make me feel bad. It doesn't seem to matter if it's a really bad smell or just a regular smell, just any smell turns my stomach. Being in the gym was hard because there were a lot of smells. But, there was no way I was going to miss her first game. She was so beautiful to watch! My graceful fairy is showing her strong athletic side more and more. After the game we went to the Y for a swim and the girls were so happy. I've really noticed lately how happy they are. At the Y I was able to sweat a bunch in the wet sauna and even some in the dry sauna. The locker room was hard, though, more smells to turn my stomach. I tried keeping a scarf on my head in the wet sauna, then couldn't bear it so I went completely bald for the first time in the locker room. I got a LOT of stares- open and long ones from little kids, and sneaky- I'm checking you out but I know it's rude so I'm going to pretend I'm not- ones from adults. The best I could do today was to just try not to make eye contact with anyone and to pretend I didn't notice. It is getting a little bit easier. I've gone outside at home a few times and just forgotten to cover my head, so I'm sure the neighbors have seen. I'm caring less and less as time goes on.
I got the sweetest gifts today. In the Alanon meeting, many people knit and crochet the most beautiful things. I watched a woman crocheting a really cool hat during the meeting, and at the end, she gave it to me! It's furry and when I wear it, it feels a little bit like I have bangs. It's very thick and warm and made of festive colors. Then, before I could leave, someone else gave me an entire meal that he had made for the girls and I, and in the parking lot he noticed the big scrape on my car. The scrape from when I was trying to parallel park way back when before my surgery and I was crying all the time and yelling at the kids and not paying attention. He just happened to have something in his car that he rubbed on the scrape and poof, it's gone! I realized that I'm not that hysterical, terrified person that I was just a few months ago in the middle of the surgeries. I'm still scared much of the time, but that initial, awful, the news is so fresh, feeling has passed. Now I'm smack in the middle of it and the end will be in sight soon!
I really, really, really want to be feeling well enough to play in my soccer game tomorrow. If only the indoor place didn't stink so bad!
Friday, January 23, 2009
Chemo Cave
1/23/09
A friend mentioned how people go into a "chemo cave" in the days after getting chemo, and I get that now. It's where I'm at right now. I think I learned something from last time that is making this recovering time easier. I learned that it's important to not move very much and to not do very much. Whenever I lie still, I feel ok. When I move about the house too much, I get that motion sickness feeling. I am SO happy to say that the uncomfortable body feeling is not happening right now. Hopefully it won't happen at all this time- that's the worst feeling I've ever experienced.
The actual day of chemo started out hard. I was so stressed and so didn't want to go that I cried the whole way there. B (my sponsor) came with me and just encouraged me to have my feelings. I went into the office with red, puffy eyes. All the chairs but one were full and I didn't really like the idea of being there with so many other people. They ended up being over-full, so they offered me the meditation room that day for the chemo. What a huge blessing that turned out to be. I got my own chemo suite.
Not feeling too good all of a sudden, so more later.
A friend mentioned how people go into a "chemo cave" in the days after getting chemo, and I get that now. It's where I'm at right now. I think I learned something from last time that is making this recovering time easier. I learned that it's important to not move very much and to not do very much. Whenever I lie still, I feel ok. When I move about the house too much, I get that motion sickness feeling. I am SO happy to say that the uncomfortable body feeling is not happening right now. Hopefully it won't happen at all this time- that's the worst feeling I've ever experienced.
The actual day of chemo started out hard. I was so stressed and so didn't want to go that I cried the whole way there. B (my sponsor) came with me and just encouraged me to have my feelings. I went into the office with red, puffy eyes. All the chairs but one were full and I didn't really like the idea of being there with so many other people. They ended up being over-full, so they offered me the meditation room that day for the chemo. What a huge blessing that turned out to be. I got my own chemo suite.
Not feeling too good all of a sudden, so more later.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Gratitude...and Fear
1/20/09
Looking back on the weekend, even though I had a bad spell on Saturday, I am amazed at how good I felt over all and at all the active things I was able to do. Soccer, a hike, roller blading, swimming, and a bike ride. And, I had a chance to really connect with the girls and have some nice bonding time with them together and separately. I miss them so much when I'm feeling miserable and laying in bed while they watch a movie. The weather was so beautiful and I noticed that some of my bulbs are starting to peak up a bit already. I'm so excited for spring because spring means I'm closer to being done! My last chemo is tentatively scheduled for April Fool's Day. Wonder what the cosmic significance of that is?
I had more acupuncture and Reiki today and was feeling so good in my body today. I spent the day in appreciation of how good I felt just to be able to sit in a chair without discomfort, and to walk from my car into a building, and to EAT! Food tasted good today and I've had an appetite. I know I've lost weight, so I've been trying to put it back on again before the nurse finds out tomorrow and scolds me again. I suppose it's kind of nice being told to eat frequently and to eat high calorie foods. I may never have this opportunity again!
I saw more people today that I hadn't seen in awhile and saw them do the double take when they realized it was me underneath the hair. Saw a few people also that didn't recognize me at all, but today I was comfortable telling them who I was and just saying that I had changed my hair.
I had the most amazing experience last night. I got to meet a woman a few years younger than me who is a year past her breast cancer treatment. She wrote a book about how she gave up on the wigs and head coverings and decided to go bald. What struck me most about her was how vibrant and full of life and confident she is now. Her chemo experiences were bad, like mine, and there she was standing in front of me happy and bubbly and beautiful. It gave me hope that that could be me before too long. She is also going to be my "chemo buddy" a few times and drive me to and from chemo and sit with me while I get it.
D came over last night and we had some more fun with my wigs. I gave her Farrah and the red bob and she wore the red one to work today. She is so gutsy! One of the mom's at school today had shaved/cut her hair quite short and she looked fabulous. I think I could go out on the town bald if I went with these gutsy women!
So, the fear part. Another round of chemo tomorrow and while I've got some different plans this time for getting through Thur and Fri, I just don't know if it will be like last time or not. It could be better, it could be worse, and longer, or it could be the same. Each time is like labor- I don't know if it will be long or short, intense or not. I keep hearing that chemo is cumulative and that it gets a little harder each time as the body gets more worn down and weaker. But, I also am told that acupuncture is cumulative and that it makes the body stronger each time. I just HATE that I am feeling so good right now and I know that chemo is going to take that away from me. It's hard, but I need to find my way back to that place of being grateful for the chemotherapy. If I really think hard about it, if it's what is going to save my life, the days of misery are more than worth it. I don't think much about how this cancer could potentially kill me, but when I do, I am SUPER grateful for the chemo and the surgeries and my doctor and the crappy shots and all the blood draws and the millions of tests and the nurses.
I didn't get to enjoy election day at all because it was the day after my diagnosis. And, I don't watch the news and haven't been reading the paper much, so today was especially special for me. I got to watch President Obama's speech today, and I got to go to a cool inauguration party tonight, and it just really sunk in for me tonight that we have a new president. I have been so much inside myself that I haven't been thinking too much about world events. Today there were a few shots of soldiers in Iraq watching the inauguration, and something just filled me with joy. I had the thought that America has been so cowboy tough for so long that maybe now is America's chance to soften a little. Just for today, I don't feel so fearful about my country's place in the world, and I don't feel so fearful about my place in the world.
Looking back on the weekend, even though I had a bad spell on Saturday, I am amazed at how good I felt over all and at all the active things I was able to do. Soccer, a hike, roller blading, swimming, and a bike ride. And, I had a chance to really connect with the girls and have some nice bonding time with them together and separately. I miss them so much when I'm feeling miserable and laying in bed while they watch a movie. The weather was so beautiful and I noticed that some of my bulbs are starting to peak up a bit already. I'm so excited for spring because spring means I'm closer to being done! My last chemo is tentatively scheduled for April Fool's Day. Wonder what the cosmic significance of that is?
I had more acupuncture and Reiki today and was feeling so good in my body today. I spent the day in appreciation of how good I felt just to be able to sit in a chair without discomfort, and to walk from my car into a building, and to EAT! Food tasted good today and I've had an appetite. I know I've lost weight, so I've been trying to put it back on again before the nurse finds out tomorrow and scolds me again. I suppose it's kind of nice being told to eat frequently and to eat high calorie foods. I may never have this opportunity again!
I saw more people today that I hadn't seen in awhile and saw them do the double take when they realized it was me underneath the hair. Saw a few people also that didn't recognize me at all, but today I was comfortable telling them who I was and just saying that I had changed my hair.
I had the most amazing experience last night. I got to meet a woman a few years younger than me who is a year past her breast cancer treatment. She wrote a book about how she gave up on the wigs and head coverings and decided to go bald. What struck me most about her was how vibrant and full of life and confident she is now. Her chemo experiences were bad, like mine, and there she was standing in front of me happy and bubbly and beautiful. It gave me hope that that could be me before too long. She is also going to be my "chemo buddy" a few times and drive me to and from chemo and sit with me while I get it.
D came over last night and we had some more fun with my wigs. I gave her Farrah and the red bob and she wore the red one to work today. She is so gutsy! One of the mom's at school today had shaved/cut her hair quite short and she looked fabulous. I think I could go out on the town bald if I went with these gutsy women!
So, the fear part. Another round of chemo tomorrow and while I've got some different plans this time for getting through Thur and Fri, I just don't know if it will be like last time or not. It could be better, it could be worse, and longer, or it could be the same. Each time is like labor- I don't know if it will be long or short, intense or not. I keep hearing that chemo is cumulative and that it gets a little harder each time as the body gets more worn down and weaker. But, I also am told that acupuncture is cumulative and that it makes the body stronger each time. I just HATE that I am feeling so good right now and I know that chemo is going to take that away from me. It's hard, but I need to find my way back to that place of being grateful for the chemotherapy. If I really think hard about it, if it's what is going to save my life, the days of misery are more than worth it. I don't think much about how this cancer could potentially kill me, but when I do, I am SUPER grateful for the chemo and the surgeries and my doctor and the crappy shots and all the blood draws and the millions of tests and the nurses.
I didn't get to enjoy election day at all because it was the day after my diagnosis. And, I don't watch the news and haven't been reading the paper much, so today was especially special for me. I got to watch President Obama's speech today, and I got to go to a cool inauguration party tonight, and it just really sunk in for me tonight that we have a new president. I have been so much inside myself that I haven't been thinking too much about world events. Today there were a few shots of soldiers in Iraq watching the inauguration, and something just filled me with joy. I had the thought that America has been so cowboy tough for so long that maybe now is America's chance to soften a little. Just for today, I don't feel so fearful about my country's place in the world, and I don't feel so fearful about my place in the world.
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