11/30/08
I made it through the weekend with many ups and downs. I figured Wednesday would be hard, but that I'd bounce back in time for Thanksgiving on Thursday. It didn't happen. I woke up still feeling down, and Kaycee had a huge melt-down, so we didn't make it to our Thanksgiving day event. Which turned out ok, because I spent some time relaxing with Karina and watching the documentary, "The Secret". I had some huge grief time alone in my bathroom, then got up and the girls and I went for a very long, fun walk. We all felt much better afterwards. The rest of the weekend I spent shopping a bit- I got some nice, inspirational pictures for my bathroom since that seems to be the place I go when I don't want the girls to see the full extent of my emotions. It now has a nice calming feel to it, just like my bedroom. I was feeling great on Friday, so I went roller blading for half and hour. The weather was amazingly beautiful and I went along the river and had a nice, peaceful time. I was sore and tired afterwards, but felt great for having gone. Yesterday I was feeling some pain in my breast, but had arranged to practice soccer with F. (awesome, sweet boyfriend), so I wrapped it up tight and went. I was feeling so good that I was considering playing a game the next day. I went for a little jog around the track to see how running felt, and I didn't make it too far. My breast really started aching with the extra motion. I finished up practice and got home exhausted and had a bit of a nap. Today I was very tired, so I went to a movie with Karina and friends had a nice little nap in the theater. I had told the girls that I wanted to try to walk every evening, and Kaycee is super excited about this. She bugged me and bugged me to go tonight after dinner, and although I didn't want to, I did. It was fun and refreshing. I asked her to bug me about it other nights, and I am hoping that she will help keep me motivated to walk.
I did some reading and some talking to people and I'm at a place of acceptance today. The port-a-cath (?) is not how I pictured it. I imagined a plastic thing sticking out of my chest with a cork in it blocking off my heart vein. It is actually implanted beneath the surface of my skin. Each time the chemo is injected, the skin gets numbed up and a needle is inserted. It was explained to me that the chemo going into this big vein is like being dumped into a river, as opposed to going into my arm veins, which are like streams. My mom said that the people she saw having it done this way seemed to have an easier time of it and that she thought my doctor was trying to make things easier for me. Ok, I can have some gratitude around this.
Dr. T suggested that I stay the night in the hospital, and I was resistant because the little room I was in before sucked and the bed was hard and uncomfortable. But, a friend of mine who had a recent hospital stay said the actual over night room is beautiful and the bed is comfortable and it would be nice for me to be taken care of for that first night. So, I am considering the option and plan to pack my own pillow just in case I stay.
My mom also told me that she imagined chemo being like a powerful monster that was eating away at the cancer. I like the idea of flipping the image of poison to one of it being a powerful weapon. I have confidence in my body to bounce back from the chemo. I am in great health and I know there will be bad times, but I am picturing myself returning to my healthy, active self once the chemo is over. And, going on walks through the neighborhood with the girls is something that I wouldn't normally do, but I will do more of. It is a great opportunity to slow down and see what is right around me and bond with the girls.
I know my arm may be messed up after the lymph nodes come out. I am wondering how that will affect kayaking next summer. But, mostly I am so grateful that soccer is played with the feet! And, I'm confident that physical therapy will help me.
I learned to knit this weekend!! It is so cool and hopefully will give me something to do when I'm resting.
I've got some fears about the actual surgery and of waking up in pain afterwards. But, I've got a few days to work on this. And, my first mind/body class is this Tuesday, so maybe I'll learn something there to help.
I've told a few more people this weekend- some parents of the girls' friends. It is hard to tell people, but it feels much better when people know. I've got some play dates lined up for them for the week after surgery. I don't think its as scary for them now. I've explained that it will be a lot like last time- I'll need lots of rest for a week or so, then I'll bounce back. I've got family coming for a chunk of time over Christmas, so I feel like the girls will be well cared for. I had a bad dream a few nights ago where I was leaving them to move to Germany, and my flight was leaving in half and hour, and I hadn't made any arrangements for them to stay with anyone. I was frantically making phone calls as I was packing, and they couldn't understand why they weren't going with me. I couldn't understand it either and it was breaking my heart to leave them. I woke up from that dream knowing it was about the cancer. One of my biggest fears is that I will have forgotten to have made arrangements for them to get picked up one day, and they'll be left stranded at school. Or, I'll have a complication and have to stay longer in the hospital and I won't have made arrangements for them. Today I got organized and got a new schedule book and I have written in there which kid is going with who on which days. I can easily see where I still need help and where they will be when. I should be able to sleep easier this time. And, I know that I've got many, many people who I could call if I really did drop the ball and forget to get them.
I googled CT scan and it seems ok. Drink some stuff- dye maybe? and lie really still while a big machine takes pictures. I've done this before and while its not fun, I have had some pretty cool meditation experiences.
I CAN DO THIS
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Thanksgiving
11/27/08
9 years ago today I took a pregnancy test and discovered I was pregnant (with Kaycee). It was one of the happiest discoveries of my life and the very best Thanksgiving day of my life.
Today is a different day. My discovery this year was the absolute worst discovery of my life. And, I'm determined to be grateful today anyway. I am thinking of many years ago- 18 or so, when I went off to the Gulf War for 9 months. I was so terrified when I learned that I'd be deployed. It was about a week from learning the news to actually leaving, with lots of false alarms as to when we'd leave. Finally, I was in Walmart shopping for a pocket knife when a call for me came over the intercom saying to report immediately back to base. We left a few hours later. The plane ride over was so surreal and I was so terrified. Everything about those first few weeks was scary and different and unreal. 9 months later it was all over and I came back to the world. I had the odd sensation that the world had gone on as normal and hadn't missed me at all. I had missed out on a huge chunk of the normal world and I had a hard time jumping back in as if all was normal. I was forever changed. I had fought a war, been afraid for my life, and returned looking just the same on the outside. I'm feeling all of these same feelings today. I got the call that I will be going to war with cancer. I had the first little battle and discovered that this is going to be a longer war than I thought- about 9 months or so. The next battle is coming up and the dread is awful. I was afraid I might die in that first war, and I remember writing a goodbye letter to my mom. I am a bit afraid of the same thing in this war, but I refuse to write a goodbye letter. When I was in the middle of that first 9 months, and even for a time right after, I couldn't imagine a time when it would be behind me. I thought about it every day. Now, I realize that although it did have a profound effect on me, and it did change me, it is very much in the past and it is something I don't think about too often. The cancer war will be like this for me one day too. Yesterday I was scared and pissed off. Today I feel ready for battle. And I'm still pissed. And hopeful. I'm not a naive 21 year old. This time I'm wiser and I know a little bit about battles. I know what my weapons against cancer are: acceptance, surrender, peace, love, nurturing, friends, family, doctors, nurses, poison/medicine, scalpels, meditation, herbs, crystals, mind/body work, wise women, healing women, and, most of all, the big nuclear bomb in my arsenal- my spiritual connection to my higher power. I have some great words from Alanon that I keep repeating: I don't have to like my situation, but I want to like myself in my situation. And, of course, the serenity prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (cancer), the courage to change the things I can (my attitude) and the wisdom to know the difference.
9 years ago today I took a pregnancy test and discovered I was pregnant (with Kaycee). It was one of the happiest discoveries of my life and the very best Thanksgiving day of my life.
Today is a different day. My discovery this year was the absolute worst discovery of my life. And, I'm determined to be grateful today anyway. I am thinking of many years ago- 18 or so, when I went off to the Gulf War for 9 months. I was so terrified when I learned that I'd be deployed. It was about a week from learning the news to actually leaving, with lots of false alarms as to when we'd leave. Finally, I was in Walmart shopping for a pocket knife when a call for me came over the intercom saying to report immediately back to base. We left a few hours later. The plane ride over was so surreal and I was so terrified. Everything about those first few weeks was scary and different and unreal. 9 months later it was all over and I came back to the world. I had the odd sensation that the world had gone on as normal and hadn't missed me at all. I had missed out on a huge chunk of the normal world and I had a hard time jumping back in as if all was normal. I was forever changed. I had fought a war, been afraid for my life, and returned looking just the same on the outside. I'm feeling all of these same feelings today. I got the call that I will be going to war with cancer. I had the first little battle and discovered that this is going to be a longer war than I thought- about 9 months or so. The next battle is coming up and the dread is awful. I was afraid I might die in that first war, and I remember writing a goodbye letter to my mom. I am a bit afraid of the same thing in this war, but I refuse to write a goodbye letter. When I was in the middle of that first 9 months, and even for a time right after, I couldn't imagine a time when it would be behind me. I thought about it every day. Now, I realize that although it did have a profound effect on me, and it did change me, it is very much in the past and it is something I don't think about too often. The cancer war will be like this for me one day too. Yesterday I was scared and pissed off. Today I feel ready for battle. And I'm still pissed. And hopeful. I'm not a naive 21 year old. This time I'm wiser and I know a little bit about battles. I know what my weapons against cancer are: acceptance, surrender, peace, love, nurturing, friends, family, doctors, nurses, poison/medicine, scalpels, meditation, herbs, crystals, mind/body work, wise women, healing women, and, most of all, the big nuclear bomb in my arsenal- my spiritual connection to my higher power. I have some great words from Alanon that I keep repeating: I don't have to like my situation, but I want to like myself in my situation. And, of course, the serenity prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (cancer), the courage to change the things I can (my attitude) and the wisdom to know the difference.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
A Hard Day
November 26, 2008
I'm not sure if I can write my feelings just yet, but I'll start with the facts. I learned today that the cancer was only in the original lump, not in the outer satellite spots. Dr. T explained that when those two spots had a biopsy, probably the needle actually went back into the original lump by mistake. I thought this was great news at first, but it actually doesn't really matter. He still did not get a great margin on the chunk that he took- 1 mm and he likes 5 mm to be safe. I was hopeful that the lymph nodes would have been spared, but he went on to say that there was cancer "all over" the one node he took out.
Next Steps for me are:
1. Go in next Monday for a CAT scan (not sure if this is spelled right or what it stands for or really what it even is) to look for cancer in other parts of my body. All I know is that this involves not eating ahead of time and drinking something and then getting scanned.
2. Go in next Wednesday morning to be injected with dye- the same place where I was injected before. Leave, then come back in the afternoon for a bone scan. Again, looking for cancer in other areas of my body.
3. Go in 6:00 Thursday morning for my 7:30 surgery, number two, to remove all my lymph nodes under my right arm. Have another lumpectomy to get a better margin. Have a drain installed to catch the gunk for a few weeks after the surgery. Have a port? something like that, installed into the vein on my left side that leads to my heart (did I really hear that right? A tube in my heart vein?). This thing will be in place for 6 months and will be the port of entry for chemotherapy. Dr. T explained that its better for chemo to go into this big vein as it won't be as hard on my veins. He says that having an IV each time would be hard because chemo destroys small veins. I need to do some looking into this. I DO NOT want some thing stuck in my heart for 6 months- I just pictured a vampire putting a stake through my heart and leaving it there, then injecting poison into it. ARRGHH I wish my mind wouldn't conjure up such images!
4. As soon as the drain comes out (this is a little plastic thing that reminds me of a hallow hand grenade. It sound really gross. It fills up with blood and gunk and I have to unhook it and empty it and wear it attached to me) I begin chemotherapy. The sooner the better according to Dr. T. I looked at the calendar and it should be Christmas week. Chemo for Christmas this year. Probably the most hated and loved present ever. I HATE THIS. And of course I'm extremely grateful for treatment, even if it is poison.
5. After 6 months, I start 6 weeks of daily radiation on my breast. Depending on the extent of cancer in my lymph nodes, maybe on that area too.
6. Some point after chemo, something happens with my ovaries and estrogen. Dr. T didn't want to talk to me about that yet.
I'm really, really , really PISSED OFF today. I'm ok with this. I haven't felt much anger yet, and I guess its time. I'll go back to my calm, peaceful self another time. Right now I'm ANGRY.
I'm not sure if I can write my feelings just yet, but I'll start with the facts. I learned today that the cancer was only in the original lump, not in the outer satellite spots. Dr. T explained that when those two spots had a biopsy, probably the needle actually went back into the original lump by mistake. I thought this was great news at first, but it actually doesn't really matter. He still did not get a great margin on the chunk that he took- 1 mm and he likes 5 mm to be safe. I was hopeful that the lymph nodes would have been spared, but he went on to say that there was cancer "all over" the one node he took out.
Next Steps for me are:
1. Go in next Monday for a CAT scan (not sure if this is spelled right or what it stands for or really what it even is) to look for cancer in other parts of my body. All I know is that this involves not eating ahead of time and drinking something and then getting scanned.
2. Go in next Wednesday morning to be injected with dye- the same place where I was injected before. Leave, then come back in the afternoon for a bone scan. Again, looking for cancer in other areas of my body.
3. Go in 6:00 Thursday morning for my 7:30 surgery, number two, to remove all my lymph nodes under my right arm. Have another lumpectomy to get a better margin. Have a drain installed to catch the gunk for a few weeks after the surgery. Have a port? something like that, installed into the vein on my left side that leads to my heart (did I really hear that right? A tube in my heart vein?). This thing will be in place for 6 months and will be the port of entry for chemotherapy. Dr. T explained that its better for chemo to go into this big vein as it won't be as hard on my veins. He says that having an IV each time would be hard because chemo destroys small veins. I need to do some looking into this. I DO NOT want some thing stuck in my heart for 6 months- I just pictured a vampire putting a stake through my heart and leaving it there, then injecting poison into it. ARRGHH I wish my mind wouldn't conjure up such images!
4. As soon as the drain comes out (this is a little plastic thing that reminds me of a hallow hand grenade. It sound really gross. It fills up with blood and gunk and I have to unhook it and empty it and wear it attached to me) I begin chemotherapy. The sooner the better according to Dr. T. I looked at the calendar and it should be Christmas week. Chemo for Christmas this year. Probably the most hated and loved present ever. I HATE THIS. And of course I'm extremely grateful for treatment, even if it is poison.
5. After 6 months, I start 6 weeks of daily radiation on my breast. Depending on the extent of cancer in my lymph nodes, maybe on that area too.
6. Some point after chemo, something happens with my ovaries and estrogen. Dr. T didn't want to talk to me about that yet.
I'm really, really , really PISSED OFF today. I'm ok with this. I haven't felt much anger yet, and I guess its time. I'll go back to my calm, peaceful self another time. Right now I'm ANGRY.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Still Waiting
Tuesday Evening, Nov 25, 2008
Still no idea what the doc will say tomorrow. I had a great, normal kind of a day today. Got to visit with some friends and I got out of the house for a very nice walk through the woods. Not too sore right now, just very sleepy. I finally read a little bit more about all the different scenarios and treatment options. So many of the drugs used to treat cancer have awful side effects. I read today that some women who get chemotherapy later on develop leukemia. What a dirty trick- the drugs that can fight one type of cancer can also cause another type of cancer?
I am hopeful though. I feel really, really healthy and like I'm in good shape. It has been a week today since my surgery and compared to how I felt the first days after, right now I feel about 80% normal physically.
The piece that I wasn't able to write about last week was this: I have the type of cancer that grows better in the presence of estrogen. In order to stop that, I will need to stop producing estrogen. It sounds like there are two choices- take a drug that stops it, and has some possible wicked side effects (like cancer of the uterus), or have my ovaries removed. I hate both choices, and I'm not even sure if I get to make the choice or if the type of cancer chooses for me. I have been all done having children for awhile now, but I still didn't plan on going into such early menopause. When I got this news last week, it was almost more upsetting than the news that I have cancer. I'm not sure exactly why yet- something to do with my view of myself as a woman. Also, the thought of yet another surgery on yet another part of my body doesn't thrill me.
I think I have come to believe that the hardest part of the last surgery was recovering from all the drugs and anesthesia, rather than the actual surgery. Maybe it'll be easier and I'll be more desensitized the next time.
I've got my plan in place for tomorrow- I'm bringing my friend to write notes and be a moral support and my boyfriend to put his arms around me and comfort me. I've got time set aside after the appointment to either hide in bed and cry for an hour, or go out for lunch and celebrate.
Still no idea what the doc will say tomorrow. I had a great, normal kind of a day today. Got to visit with some friends and I got out of the house for a very nice walk through the woods. Not too sore right now, just very sleepy. I finally read a little bit more about all the different scenarios and treatment options. So many of the drugs used to treat cancer have awful side effects. I read today that some women who get chemotherapy later on develop leukemia. What a dirty trick- the drugs that can fight one type of cancer can also cause another type of cancer?
I am hopeful though. I feel really, really healthy and like I'm in good shape. It has been a week today since my surgery and compared to how I felt the first days after, right now I feel about 80% normal physically.
The piece that I wasn't able to write about last week was this: I have the type of cancer that grows better in the presence of estrogen. In order to stop that, I will need to stop producing estrogen. It sounds like there are two choices- take a drug that stops it, and has some possible wicked side effects (like cancer of the uterus), or have my ovaries removed. I hate both choices, and I'm not even sure if I get to make the choice or if the type of cancer chooses for me. I have been all done having children for awhile now, but I still didn't plan on going into such early menopause. When I got this news last week, it was almost more upsetting than the news that I have cancer. I'm not sure exactly why yet- something to do with my view of myself as a woman. Also, the thought of yet another surgery on yet another part of my body doesn't thrill me.
I think I have come to believe that the hardest part of the last surgery was recovering from all the drugs and anesthesia, rather than the actual surgery. Maybe it'll be easier and I'll be more desensitized the next time.
I've got my plan in place for tomorrow- I'm bringing my friend to write notes and be a moral support and my boyfriend to put his arms around me and comfort me. I've got time set aside after the appointment to either hide in bed and cry for an hour, or go out for lunch and celebrate.
Waiting
11/25/08
Still waiting. I called the doctor's office yesterday to see if any results were back yet and left a message. No word yet. Called the VA again and left a message. No word yet. Kaycee was home sick with me yesterday, so I had an opportunity to rest and mommy her. It was not so bad having company. I got out for a walk last night when a friend came over. I thought I'd just go for a short one, but it was so beautiful out, very cold and foggy, and I ended up walking for almost an hour. I was very sore and tired when I got back in, but my spirits were great. I was a little sad that my legs were so sore- I wonder how long it will be before I can get back to playing soccer. But, I'm so glad that I seem to be healing so well. I am sleeping a lot still and sleeping very well. I slept in yesterday and today until about 10:00- something I NEVER do. I felt like I could have kept on sleeping, but the phone began ringing.
I have the feeling today that I'm done with the cancer thing and ready to get back to my regular life. I wonder if I just skip the doctor's appointment tomorrow if I could just go back to normal?
I know the answer to this, but its nice to imagine it anyway.
Still waiting. I called the doctor's office yesterday to see if any results were back yet and left a message. No word yet. Called the VA again and left a message. No word yet. Kaycee was home sick with me yesterday, so I had an opportunity to rest and mommy her. It was not so bad having company. I got out for a walk last night when a friend came over. I thought I'd just go for a short one, but it was so beautiful out, very cold and foggy, and I ended up walking for almost an hour. I was very sore and tired when I got back in, but my spirits were great. I was a little sad that my legs were so sore- I wonder how long it will be before I can get back to playing soccer. But, I'm so glad that I seem to be healing so well. I am sleeping a lot still and sleeping very well. I slept in yesterday and today until about 10:00- something I NEVER do. I felt like I could have kept on sleeping, but the phone began ringing.
I have the feeling today that I'm done with the cancer thing and ready to get back to my regular life. I wonder if I just skip the doctor's appointment tomorrow if I could just go back to normal?
I know the answer to this, but its nice to imagine it anyway.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Sunday Eve
11/23/08
Got through the weekend. Yesterday's euphoria ended during the evening bedtime routine. The girls are impatient for things to be back to normal and ready for me to carry on with taking care of them again. They will be changed, too, from all this. I think they will become strong, independent, and caring, but we have a lot to get through first.
I am so very grateful for the cherished friends who took the girls on outings this weekend. It was challenging having them at home so much, although it was nice too because I've missed them.
Today I went out again, to the grocery store for toilet paper and to Sweet Potato Pie for some comfortable, natural fiber clothing. It was recommended to me to wear more natural clothing that doesn't bind like my jeans do. I found a bunch of stuff to try on, then realized I was exhausted before making it into the dressing room. I got in there and the perky young sales girl kept asking if I needed any help. I got my arm stuck several times and almost considered asking her if she could help dress and undress me, but I'm not quite that ready to ask for help whenever I need it. I did it myself, and ended up feeling like I'd been to lift weights by the time I was finished. I got a few very soft, comfortable things made of hemp, organic cotton, and bamboo. Now I can get dressed during the day, but still feel like I'm in my pajamas!
I left the store thinking that I should go for a walk, but I was so tired, and I was not dressed for the cold. I feel like I've been away from the world for a month- its cold now and Christmas decorations are up and this is not how things were a week ago.
I had a bit of a nap when I got home and I messed around a bit with a large, lavender crystal that was given to me today. Its a beautiful stone and I love how it feels. I tried a little Reiki holding the stone and sort of drifted off and was very, very relaxed. Then the girls came home and we had a much better evening tonight. I've just been leaving the room when they start acting up, and telling them that I will rejoin them once they stop fighting. Tonight we actually got to spend some nice time together playing games, reading, and even finishing up homework. Its 8:00 now and I'm wiped out and ready for bed.
Tomorrow is Monday and I'm anxious. Afraid that the doctor's office will call. Afraid that they won't call. Thinking of calling myself. But not wanting to. Also, I'm in that awkward in between state of not needing to be in bed all day, but not quite ready to jump back into the full swing of things. The retreat/vacation was nice last week, but now I'm ready for something else. Restless I guess. I am going to do a bit of work from home tomorrow. My scars are restless too- sometimes they hurt, sometimes they itch, sometimes they seem to move. There is this cloud over me- I really focused so much on getting through the surgery that I sort of blocked out what is coming next. And, I don't know what's coming next. I really, really wish I was done as the surgery felt like such a bid deal that I should be done. I'm back on the roller coaster, going slowly up, up, up, with no idea if there is a huge drop or a gentle curve over the edge.
Well, at least I know that if I get another Monday call, I won't be driving to get the kids when it comes in!
Got through the weekend. Yesterday's euphoria ended during the evening bedtime routine. The girls are impatient for things to be back to normal and ready for me to carry on with taking care of them again. They will be changed, too, from all this. I think they will become strong, independent, and caring, but we have a lot to get through first.
I am so very grateful for the cherished friends who took the girls on outings this weekend. It was challenging having them at home so much, although it was nice too because I've missed them.
Today I went out again, to the grocery store for toilet paper and to Sweet Potato Pie for some comfortable, natural fiber clothing. It was recommended to me to wear more natural clothing that doesn't bind like my jeans do. I found a bunch of stuff to try on, then realized I was exhausted before making it into the dressing room. I got in there and the perky young sales girl kept asking if I needed any help. I got my arm stuck several times and almost considered asking her if she could help dress and undress me, but I'm not quite that ready to ask for help whenever I need it. I did it myself, and ended up feeling like I'd been to lift weights by the time I was finished. I got a few very soft, comfortable things made of hemp, organic cotton, and bamboo. Now I can get dressed during the day, but still feel like I'm in my pajamas!
I left the store thinking that I should go for a walk, but I was so tired, and I was not dressed for the cold. I feel like I've been away from the world for a month- its cold now and Christmas decorations are up and this is not how things were a week ago.
I had a bit of a nap when I got home and I messed around a bit with a large, lavender crystal that was given to me today. Its a beautiful stone and I love how it feels. I tried a little Reiki holding the stone and sort of drifted off and was very, very relaxed. Then the girls came home and we had a much better evening tonight. I've just been leaving the room when they start acting up, and telling them that I will rejoin them once they stop fighting. Tonight we actually got to spend some nice time together playing games, reading, and even finishing up homework. Its 8:00 now and I'm wiped out and ready for bed.
Tomorrow is Monday and I'm anxious. Afraid that the doctor's office will call. Afraid that they won't call. Thinking of calling myself. But not wanting to. Also, I'm in that awkward in between state of not needing to be in bed all day, but not quite ready to jump back into the full swing of things. The retreat/vacation was nice last week, but now I'm ready for something else. Restless I guess. I am going to do a bit of work from home tomorrow. My scars are restless too- sometimes they hurt, sometimes they itch, sometimes they seem to move. There is this cloud over me- I really focused so much on getting through the surgery that I sort of blocked out what is coming next. And, I don't know what's coming next. I really, really wish I was done as the surgery felt like such a bid deal that I should be done. I'm back on the roller coaster, going slowly up, up, up, with no idea if there is a huge drop or a gentle curve over the edge.
Well, at least I know that if I get another Monday call, I won't be driving to get the kids when it comes in!
Saturday, November 22, 2008
First Walk!
11/22/08
I woke up feeling so good this morning! Just in time, because Kaycee woke up sick. She's been having a tummy ache- I thought maybe as a way to get to spend some time with me, but today she actually puked a bit and was really needing some mommying. I used some of my herbs on her and tucked her into bed with me. I tried some Reiki on her, and she tried some on me- it was very sweet. I was able to get breakfast and unload the dishwasher this morning. I got a shower with no problem. And, I got dressed in real clothes- not pj's today! I was feeling so good, I was toying with the idea of playing a game of soccer tomorrow. Then, the girls left for an outing with some friends, and a friend of mine arrived to take me out for a walk. By the time I got my shoes on, I realized that I was exhausted. But, I went on the walk anyway. Nice and slow and it was SOOOOO good to get outside and walk through my neighborhood. It was a beautiful fall day today and perfect, cool weather. It wasn't a long walk, but I was so tired by the time we finished. I wore a very good sports bra, but the jiggling still caused some soreness. Nothing too unbearable, and well worth it. I don't have bandages over the incisions today- just lots of steri-strips covering the stitches. And lots of red welts from the tape that held the bandages down- I have been plagued by a latex allergy and I must also be allergic to the adhesive in non-latex bandages. I am so happy that I am feeling so much better and can get out. But, I think the soccer game will have to wait. I'm getting ready for a nap right now and I may go for a short drive later.
I can't believe how happy I feel right now. I am sure that I'll get sad again, but for today, I am very peaceful and happy. I have been sleeping so well at night, and I haven't been needing to take a sleeping pill like usual. I was thinking about why that is, and I believe its not only because I'm so tired, but also because all the normal daily stressors are absent for me for right now- I'm not working, not having to get the girls ready for school, not having to pick them up, not having to struggle with them during homework, not having to cook, clean, do laundry, or even change my sheets. Aside from the stress of having cancer, this is like a very relaxing, luxury vacation. This is a very weird thought I know. But, I am getting it that the reason why its so important to have people take care of me is that it frees up all sorts of mental and emotional space inside of me to just concentrate on healing. I realize that I am so very lucky to have so many people helping to carry me through this time.
I thought about calling the doctor's office to see if any of the pathology reports were back. I did finally call yesterday, but they were already closed. Of course I want to know, but a huge part of me also recognizes that if I do know right now, and its bad, that could take away from my healing. And, if I'm to have another operation right away, I really need to be recovered as much as possible from this one first. I really think I'm just supposed to be waiting and relaxing and healing right now. Wednesday will come soon enough.
I tried again to access the VA health system yesterday to see if any of my bills could be covered by them. I had a stomach ache most of yesterday, and as soon as I called the VA number, i could feel my stomach clench up. Its always so frustrating trying to get through to a real human being to ask questions. There is an answering machine with a bunch of different choices, but all the choices either led me right back to the original message, or to a phone that just rang and rang. I finally got through to a real person and found out that there is a whole separate section in the VA health system devoted to women veterans' health issues, and that breast cancer falls under a special women's health issue. The person I wanted to talk to can't be reached by phone, so I left a message with person number one on the phone. Who knows if I'll get a call back, but we'll see. I will be fine without the VA's help because I've got great medical insurance (another huge reason to be grateful), but I want to at least find out if they can cover some of this. I figured that if I'm laying in bed anyway, I may as well make some phone calls. But, the stress may not have been worth it. We'll see.
I woke up feeling so good this morning! Just in time, because Kaycee woke up sick. She's been having a tummy ache- I thought maybe as a way to get to spend some time with me, but today she actually puked a bit and was really needing some mommying. I used some of my herbs on her and tucked her into bed with me. I tried some Reiki on her, and she tried some on me- it was very sweet. I was able to get breakfast and unload the dishwasher this morning. I got a shower with no problem. And, I got dressed in real clothes- not pj's today! I was feeling so good, I was toying with the idea of playing a game of soccer tomorrow. Then, the girls left for an outing with some friends, and a friend of mine arrived to take me out for a walk. By the time I got my shoes on, I realized that I was exhausted. But, I went on the walk anyway. Nice and slow and it was SOOOOO good to get outside and walk through my neighborhood. It was a beautiful fall day today and perfect, cool weather. It wasn't a long walk, but I was so tired by the time we finished. I wore a very good sports bra, but the jiggling still caused some soreness. Nothing too unbearable, and well worth it. I don't have bandages over the incisions today- just lots of steri-strips covering the stitches. And lots of red welts from the tape that held the bandages down- I have been plagued by a latex allergy and I must also be allergic to the adhesive in non-latex bandages. I am so happy that I am feeling so much better and can get out. But, I think the soccer game will have to wait. I'm getting ready for a nap right now and I may go for a short drive later.
I can't believe how happy I feel right now. I am sure that I'll get sad again, but for today, I am very peaceful and happy. I have been sleeping so well at night, and I haven't been needing to take a sleeping pill like usual. I was thinking about why that is, and I believe its not only because I'm so tired, but also because all the normal daily stressors are absent for me for right now- I'm not working, not having to get the girls ready for school, not having to pick them up, not having to struggle with them during homework, not having to cook, clean, do laundry, or even change my sheets. Aside from the stress of having cancer, this is like a very relaxing, luxury vacation. This is a very weird thought I know. But, I am getting it that the reason why its so important to have people take care of me is that it frees up all sorts of mental and emotional space inside of me to just concentrate on healing. I realize that I am so very lucky to have so many people helping to carry me through this time.
I thought about calling the doctor's office to see if any of the pathology reports were back. I did finally call yesterday, but they were already closed. Of course I want to know, but a huge part of me also recognizes that if I do know right now, and its bad, that could take away from my healing. And, if I'm to have another operation right away, I really need to be recovered as much as possible from this one first. I really think I'm just supposed to be waiting and relaxing and healing right now. Wednesday will come soon enough.
I tried again to access the VA health system yesterday to see if any of my bills could be covered by them. I had a stomach ache most of yesterday, and as soon as I called the VA number, i could feel my stomach clench up. Its always so frustrating trying to get through to a real human being to ask questions. There is an answering machine with a bunch of different choices, but all the choices either led me right back to the original message, or to a phone that just rang and rang. I finally got through to a real person and found out that there is a whole separate section in the VA health system devoted to women veterans' health issues, and that breast cancer falls under a special women's health issue. The person I wanted to talk to can't be reached by phone, so I left a message with person number one on the phone. Who knows if I'll get a call back, but we'll see. I will be fine without the VA's help because I've got great medical insurance (another huge reason to be grateful), but I want to at least find out if they can cover some of this. I figured that if I'm laying in bed anyway, I may as well make some phone calls. But, the stress may not have been worth it. We'll see.
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