Fatigue

3/11/09

The feel good euphoria from last week is totally gone at the moment.  Tonight was day three of getting into my jammies and getting into bed right after work.  The muscle ache is still there, and the fatigue is overwhelming at the moment.  I did get out for a 20 minute walk yesterday after work.  I figured if I was going to end up in bed for the evening, at least I was going to have the memory of a walk to think about.  I went to the Amazon trail and it was cold and hailing, but it felt good to be outside.  My legs hurt so bad that I couldn't walk fast enough to get warm.  I felt like an old, old, lady hobbling along.  Pretty soon an old lady in tennis shoes speed walked right by me and I almost cried.  This is the trail that I was running on just last fall, and here I was, hobbling along.  Today I thought about a walk, but couldn't do it.  I worked at a few preschools today and drove to Junction City, which is about a 30 mile round trip.  I had enough energy to get through the day, but the effort it took exhausted me.  I had a visit with my counselor and she could see how exhausted I was, so she had me lay down on the couch with a blanket and a pillow during our session.  I could have slept for hours.  Getting out of bed in the morning continues to be difficult too.  I'm just so tired.  I wonder if this is going to pass, or if this is the fatigue that I was told about that would happen towards the end of chemo.  

The kids continue to be kind and understanding and tonight they picked up a few extra chores again and even took care of my dishes after dinner.  We have strange dinners- combinations of left overs and of whatever I can grab out of the fridge.  Tonight it was pizza pockets, beef stew, and pears.  They don't find our meals strange at all, and I consider it a MAJOR accomplishment when we eat a meal that is hot.  

My fingers look and feel like they've each been smashed by a hammer.  I bumped a finger today on the counter and the pain was horrible.  I really need to put nail polish on them so I at least don't have to look at the bruising, which I know I was told it's "pigmentation change", but it sure looks and feels like bruising to me.

I know I have less than a month to go, but I can't be spending every evening in bed, not with the weather being so sunny and it staying light later.  I got the girls some craft materials, so at least they had fun tonight creating decorated purses and hats.  I really wanted to do something fun with them outside.  I can't wait till it's warm enough for the hammocks and I can just lay in one in the sun while they play in the back yard.

I called my acupuncturist for some ideas, and she suggested a hot bath, arnica cream, and eating ginger and greens.  I know self-care is important right now, but it took a huge effort to roll over, get the arnica cream, and put it on.  I did it though, along with the bath and the ginger.  I also put more St. John's Wart on my fingers and called a friend who is bringing me a fresh veggie juice soon.  And I took some motrin and ativan.  The doctor told me to just take whatever I needed to take to get through the pain because it's important that I continue on with the chemo.  I was also reminded to LISTEN to my body and do what it is telling me to do.  It is telling me to REST right now, so that's what I'm supposed to be doing.  This is very, very hard for me to do.  I was also reminded that I WON'T feel this way for ever and that the end is in sight.  I got scared tonight, thinking that I was going to feel this way for the rest of my life.  Kind of like when that tube was in my body for 3 weeks- I felt like it was never going to come out.  And now I can barely remember what it felt like.  This too shall pass.  This too shall pass.  Maybe I should just embrace it and get some good books and movies and settle in for a few evenings of leisure.  Painful leisure.  

Random Feelings

3/9/09

Oh, my aching body!  I don't remember having the body pain last this long before.  It sucks.  I'm sure it's related to the shot.  I had one more to go today, but I called and asked if I could skip it and they agreed!  I figure if my bones are aching this much, they must be making massive amounts of white blood cells at the moment and probably don't need any more help.  Last night was the time change, so getting out of bed was really hard this morning.  Plus, it was cold and snowy today.  I did make it out of bed and even got the girls to school on time.  By about 8:30 I was ready to be done with work, though, and really, really wanted to go back home and go to bed.  But, I also was having a yearning to have a normal day.  I've missed so much work the past few weeks that I just wanted to have a normal work day.  I got through my morning then stopped off for a coffee.  I had to give up coffee when the chemo started because it just wrecks my stomach.  But today was cold and I was sleepy and I was craving a cup and so I splurged.  Bad idea as once again it wrecked my stomach.  So in addition to the body ache, I have stomach cramps too.  Lucky me!  By the end of the day, though, my spirits were much better.  Even though I physically am feeling crappy, my mood is good.  I feel like I put in a productive day at work and I like having  a normal day.  I'm starting to look forward to getting back to my regular, routine schedule.  There's a certain comfort in routines that I've been missing.

I'm home now and got straight into my pj's and am planning on spending the evening in bed.  I was able to pull together a quick dinner, thanks to yummy left overs, and I asked the girls to take care of a few extra chores for me.  They are such good kids- they are being kind and cooperative at the moment.  I am so thankful that they have gotten to be more independent since this all started.  One of my biggest fears was how would I be able to take care of them, and it's turned out to be manageable.  

Even though I didn't make it to soccer yesterday and I didn't feel great, I still got to do something I love- get a start on my garden.  F came over and built some raised beds for me and a few neighbors pitched in with shoveling soil and I spent a couple of hours outside, helping as much as I could.  We finished up just as it began to snow and after getting warm and dry, I had a nice long rest on the couch.  I keep looking outside at the garden beds, full of rich soil, just waiting to be planted.  It gives me such joy to look at them- it reminds me that soon new life will be bursting forth and that makes me feel so hopeful and joyful.  I know that when my garden is in full bloom, I'll be done with my treatments, and seeing the beds just waiting to be planted makes me feel like the end is in sight.

I asked the physician's assistant for more details on my next steps.  She said that it would take 2-4 weeks after the end of chemo for my immune system to bounce back, and about that long for me to start feeling better.  Then comes the surgery to remove my ovaries.  Recovery should be about 4 days of bed rest and a week or two of taking it easy and no soccer.  After I recover,  I start radiation.  After radiation I'm planning on spending the summer in extreme self-care so I can get my strength back.  Actually, I hope to keep up the self-care piece and make it more of a focus in my life.  Right now I'm trying to focus on having FUN, along with taking good physical care of myself.

I've had a couple of God-shots this past week (these are things that happen in our lives that could only be orchestrated by a higher power).  First, I bought the new dryer and put it on my credit card, hoping that I'd figure out how to pay for it later.  Second, I got my big bill from the doctor's office.  I haven't seen a bill since December and I was sort of in denial, hoping it would never come.  I haven't had the energy to figure out my bills, so I just haven't been looking at my bank statements (denial works for awhile!)  Here's the God shot- I found out recently that I got a grant that will pay for my portion of the chemo drugs and for the shots that I need.  And, I just got a check in the mail from a friend who wanted to donate something to me, in just the amount that I needed to cover this doctor's bill!  As soon as I saw the check, my first response was, "This is ridiculous.  I'm NOT taking this money."  Then I saw the amount and realized that it matched my doctor's bill and I figured it must be a God-shot.  I also had a strong feeling that I will be able to do for others what people are doing for me.  I just know that one day I will be in a position to provide that God-shot for someone else.  I am SO looking forward to being a person that helps others instead of being the recipient of the help.

Another great thing happened this weekend- Kaycee finished her basketball season!  When the chemo first started, both girls were starting basketball and I had no idea how I'd get them to all their games and practices.  I really wanted their lives to stay as normal as possible, so I signed them up and hoped I'd figure it out later.  Thanks to the help of MANY people, they were able to make most of their games and practices and their lives stayed pretty normal.  Karina finishes next week and then I can relax a bit until she starts soccer.  

I am so looking forward to acupuncture tomorrow and I hope she can work her magic and make this body pain disappear!

Day 3 post chemo

Ok, it's payment time for the chemo.  I am back to having daily shots for 4 days in a row, and I am having the muscle/body ache thing from that right now.  And, I'm SO tired right now.  I have been all day.  Of course, I can't entirely blame the chemo- Kaycee woke up way early with a stomach ache, so I didn't get much sleep.  My finger pain is peaking at the moment.  I had planned on doing something fun with the girls tonight, but just decided to rent them a movie and stay in instead.  I had a hard time getting my movie card out of my wallet due to the finger pain and impaired mobility.  I'm taking my enzymes and using all my oils, but I guess it's not working too great at the moment.  My tongue and mouth are developing sores, so eating is not fun, and I've got bad heart burn, which makes swallowing food difficult.  So, I'm not getting off completely chemo free this time.  

Time for some gratitude.  I was told that the chemo would get progressively harder as it went along.  Right now it is supposed to be pretty hard for me.  I've got to say, in spite of how crappy I feel at the moment, it is not getting harder for me.  I remember back to Christmas time when I couldn't get off the couch and I couldn't eat and I was so miserable.  I think things are changing for me, but not necessarily getting harder.  Yeah!

I had grand plans of playing soccer tomorrow, but my muscles feel like they've already played a game.  A friend reminded me that as awesome as it is to be the soccer playing chemo patient, I don't need to be that all the time.  I can also do some self-care and take time to rest.  I just took some ibuprofen, and I'm going to take a hot mineral bath, so hopefully that will help.  Just two more rounds, and I've got LESS than a month to go.  3 months down, 24 days to go!  I feel like I'm in a race and I can see the finish line.

I am SO grateful for the meals that have still been coming my way.  Tonight was one of those nights when I couldn't get off the couch and if not for the meal delivered, the girls would have had cheese and crackers and I probably would have had yogurt for dinner.  I am so amazed and lucky to live in a community of awesome, caring people.

Feeling Good!

It's day two after chemo and I'm feeling good! I'm so surprised. I am feeling a bit tired, but no big deal. What's the difference this time? Not sure. I haven't been feeling nauseated, so I haven't been taking the medication for that. That medication can really zonk me out. I have been getting good results from acupuncture- she started doing some points for my hand pain. And, I saw the naturalpathic oncologist yesterday. She gave me some enzymes for the finger pain, and something for my immune system. She also recommended 10 mg of melatonin for sleep so I can work on giving up the sleeping pills. I actually have had about a week now with good sleep, no nightmares, and no sleeping pills. I've been using some homeopathic stuff a friend gave me, and it seems to be working well. My hand pain is still there, but either I'm getting used to it or it's getting better, because it's not too bad. I do have some discoloration on my finger nails that I thought was bruising, but it turns out the chemo causes pigmentation changes. It may be why I'm looking so tan lately!

The girls had no school today and I was worried about having them home with me, but I felt so great that we went for a walk at Alton Baker Park to see some cool heron's nests. There is a big tree where a bunch of herons all moved in together and it looks like a big bird condo. It is such a lovely day today- we saw a huge purple bush all in bloom and plenty of daffodils.

I'm going to someone new today to learn how to do lymph massage on myself. She's a woman who has survived ovarian cancer, and she has managed her swollen leg (where she had lymph nodes removed) by doing lymph massage.

I had a body talk/reiki session a few days ago that turned into a sort of telling of my future. The woman said I was really healthy and that my organs were all doing well. She said that the last two rounds of chemo would be easy. She said that I'd be getting a PhD in something in the next 10 years and that it would come easy for me. Cool! I don't know how much I believe in fortune telling, but I really trust this woman's instincts. It's exciting to think about my future. I was a bit afraid to think about my future when I first got diagnosed, but I'm not now. I fully expect to live to 90 or even beyond, and to be in good health.

Time for a photo

Getting my 6th round of chemo.  

Two more to go!

The Pre-Chemo Jitters, Again

3/3/09

Here I am, again, another Tuesday before chemo and I can't stop crying. I thought I'd be ok this time because I didn't think I was too scared. But, I stopped in at Sears today to buy a dryer. Mine broke a few days ago and I feel the need to get another one now, before I fall too far behind on laundry. The salesman started asking me too many questions and all of a sudden I felt inadequate (like I have no idea if my plug is the "old" kind or the "new" kind, and no, I don't know how to take the old kind off my dryer and put it on the new one to make it work) and I started crying. I was mortified! I held it back the best I could and finished up and ran to the bathroom and got myself together some and left the store. I had a work meeting to go to next and I had about 20 minutes to get my act together, but I just couldn't stop crying. It really caught me by surprise and I wasn't sure what exactly I was crying about. Somehow I got through the work meeting and went to my acupuncture appointment. I remembered that I usually walk in there crying the day before my chemo. And I always get past it. It's just so frustrating that going to chemo never gets easier.

Today I asked the acupuncturist to help me with my finger pain. The pain has started interfering with me trying to do daily tasks, such as open packages (I'm surprised at how many little packages I'm always opening- tea bags, packs of cheese and lunch meat, toilet paper wrapped in plastic, etc.) I have no strength to tear things open. And, I'm starting to have trouble gripping things with my fingers, like when I try to pick up a flat piece of paper off a table, or even a pencil. So, I found myself with the usual needles in, plus a whole bunch in my feet and toes (which somehow helps my fingers) and with burning moxa stick being applied to my finger tips. I felt like a weird pin cushion. I have so much trust and faith in my acupuncturist that I didn't even mind that the foot/toe needles were painful going in. So far everything she has done for me has improved my side effects. The emu oil has taken care of the hand rash and now my hands are just dry, but NOT bumpy and itchy.

After the acupuncturist I went into Capella for a beet/veggie juice to help bolster up my body for tomorrow. I ran into Nurse Rugby shopping with his cute little boy. It was nice to see that he is a normal guy- just a dad shopping with his kid, and not just the guy that jabs needles into me.

I'm home now and I'm so tired. I just want to head to bed, but I still have homework to help with and kids to interact with and things to get ready for tomorrow. Karina is mad about something small, which means that she is picking up on my mood, which is a big bummer because I've been in such a good mood lately and so have the girls. I hate to see that going away.

I guess my big fear right now is that I may loose my finger nails. It seems so gross to me. Actually, I'm really hopeful that between the acupuncturist and the naturalpath that I'll be seeing on Thursday, I'll be ok. I guess when it comes right down to it, I'm just having some emotions and I'm sure that's perfectly normal to have in the middle of chemo. It's just not too convenient when they decide to come in the middle of SEARS!

A Goal!

3/1/09

First off, I scored a goal in soccer today! This is a huge deal for me for several reasons. First of all, I've been sick with a cold/sore throat/cough thing all week. So I didn't get my feel good week between chemo. I was feeling a bit better today, but having trouble getting out of bed this morning. It's a grey day and rainy and although I slept well, I am starting to feel fatigued. I called D for a pep talk and she reminded me that I could always go to the game and just sit and watch and that would feel good too. Or, I could play for 2 minutes and be done. I got dressed and went, and I felt so good out on the field. When I'm right in the middle of playing soccer, I don't think about my health or chemo or any of it. I just have fun. I get to recall that feeling later on in the week when I'm in bed feeling like crap from the chemo. When I decided to start playing again, I knew I wouldn't be making any goals and I was just happy to be playing. So today felt especially sweet. I can still play soccer and I can still score goals!

I learned from another of Dr. T's patients that he talks about his patient that plays soccer during chemo to new patients. It's a little intimidating and really cool that I get to be that soccer playing chemo patient!

I had a terrible rash on my hands- a side effect from the new chemo. I had it looked at on Friday and was told there isn't anything that I can do about it but take benadryl. It has been itchy and annoying, and the pain in my finger tips and underneath my nail beds has come back. My herbalist recommended St. John's Wart oil for the pain, and Emu oil for the rash. I've tried both and finally today the rash is gone! The pain comes and goes and isn't too bad now. I got the name of a naturalpathic oncologist who is supposed to be able to help with side effects, so I'm going to make an appointment to see her. I was told by the staff Dr. T's office that my rash and finger pain will probably get worse with each treatment, and finally go away a few months after treatment is over. These are not side effect that I particularly enjoy, so hopefully I can use some alternative stuff to keep them under control.

Ok, we're celebrating tonight at the Olive Garden. Celebrating what? The fact that I feel good and that I have an appetite and that I played soccer and that the girls are doing great in basketball and that we're alive and well!