Aug 8, 2010- UPDATE!!!

I know, I know, I ended the blog. But, I just read the last entry for the first time in a long time, and I had to post an update. Guess what, my next blog was a fun, happy one!!!! I never would have imagined it when I finished this one, but you gotta check out what happened in my life after cancer: www.triathlonkrista.wordpress.com

Life is good!

Ending the Story

6/16/09

This will be the last entry on this blog. I never thought it would end, but it has! Krista's cancer blog is finished. I have started a new blog, called Krista's Recovery, that I hope to write over the course of the summer as I recover from the last year. The address is:

http://kristasrecovery.blogspot.com

My plan for the new blog is to post pictures (as long as I can remember my brother's technical training on using the camera with the computer!) and write about the first three months after completing cancer treatment. I hope to start it off with pictures of my upcoming trip to Vancouver, BC with the girls. I'm excited to be getting my old self back! I'm at about 60% normal energy level. So, we'll still be taking it easy, but also having some fun.

My medical stuff is like my in box at work- never quite empty. I had a visit with Dr. T on Monday and the mole is not cancerous (yeah!) I had blood drawn to check my vitamin D level, and I had a chest xray and a bone density scan scheduled. The chest xray will happen every 6 months (not sure if it's for the rest of my life or what) and the bone density yearly (I think) to see if the arimidex is wiping out my bones. I see Dr. T again in September, and then every 3 months for the next few years. The good part of all this is that I'll be watched very closely and hopefully have early detection of any problems. The bad part is that I'll be watched very closely and it will be a constant reminder that the cancer could be lurking in some corner of my body. I'm tied in to the cancer medical system for life.

I'm hoping over the course of the next few months (or perhaps for the rest of my life) to start identifying some of the things I've learned from the cancer experience. The big lesson I believe I got was that I don't need to do anything too different with my life to be happy- I don't need to wait for anything to happen or change. Instead, I am practicing BEING in my life more and I am becoming aware of all the little wonderful things that I never noticed before. Like today I went for a long bike ride and I had such gratitude for having the energy to do it. The bike ride was a pure joy- just a simple thing, but I got great pleasure out of it. And tonight I was reading the paper and Karina was telling me something about school and I put the paper down so I could give her my full attention and as I looked at her, I realized what beautiful eyes she has, in a way I never noticed before. I feel kind of like I'm waking up from a long, long sleep and experiencing my life with a heightened sense of awareness. It's pretty cool and I hope I get to hang on to it!

So, thanks to all who have read this blog and who have cheered me and supported me along the way. I hope that my next blog will be filled with joy and fun!

More Fab 40!

All the best pictures from my unforgettable 40th birthday party this week with friends and family in Eugene, Oregon -- taken by my brother Steve and good friend Deanna.

- Click the little speaker icon at the top of the slideshow to hear a cool song play while watching.

- Double click on the slideshow and select "Full Screen" to see the pictures nice and big.

Enjoy!

I'm Done and I'm 40!

6/12/09

I'm done and I'm 40. Last radiation was today. I did cartwheels (in my head) on the way out. The doctor tells me that for today I am cancer free.

I didn't get a call this week about my mole, so that means that it is not cancerous (they would have called if it was).

I'm off to do some more celebrating, more later.


An ending and a beginning.

Fabulous Party With Fabulous Friends & Family!

Pictures from my fabulous birthday party with fabulous friends and family in my backyard yesterday. In the slideshow below, if you want to see the pictures bigger, just click here!

ONE MORE TO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6/10/09

I got two radiations done today, so I only have one more!  It didn't really register with me until I was leaving the cancer center and the therapist said, "See you Friday for your last one!"  I have no idea how I have gotten this far, but here I am!  

My car is still in the shop, so I biked with the girls to school, then biked to radiation.  I had that wonderful free feeling again and it felt really, really good to be biking to the cancer center.  On the bike I notice little things that I miss in the car, and today it left me feeling so alive.  I usually walk into that center feeling half dead.  I guess I should have been biking all along!  I had the grand idea that I would use the bike all day, but a few minutes after leaving radiation, I realized that I was too tired to make it home.  Luckily my back up plan was to borrow a car and I was able to quickly ride to where it was and get myself home.  I had a hot bath and rested on the couch for awhile, tired but happy.  

30 Down, 3 To Go

6/9/09

Wow, I couldn't imagine making it to radiation 30 times when I first began.  30 times.  That's a lot.  I am so ready to be done!  I go in twice tomorrow, once in the morning and once in the afternoon, take the next day off, and finish up on Friday.  Then I'm free of doctors until my 3 month check up (aside from waiting to hear  back about the mole and getting those stitches removed next week).  I will have a check up every 3 months for the next few years, then it will go down to every 6 months.  The end is in sight.  Thank God.  It's getting increasingly difficult to keep going in there.  I am so excited to be done and to begin the recovery process and to get my strength and stamina back.  

My car is in the shop today so after I dropped it off, I rode my bike around town a bit then back home.  It was so fun!  I got a little too enthusiastic with the freedom and fun of it all and ended up getting over tired.  I will be on the bike again tomorrow as the car is still not finished.  I'm thinking of using the bike for exercise until my breast gets less painful.  Biking didn't bother it much today, and there is something so fun and exhilarating about being on the bike.  

Ok.  I can do this.  Only 3 more.

29 Down, 4 To Go

6/8/09

It's interesting the deeply personal conversations that can take place in the waiting room of a cancer doctor's office.  I was once again in Dr. T's office, waiting for my mole to be removed.  I was getting anxious, thinking about more needles and cutting into my breast, when a youngish man across from me struck up a conversation.  I noticed him right away because he's one of the few young people I've seen during this time.  During the 10 minute wait I learned that he had been in the army and at 21 got diagnosed with colon cancer and had his colon removed.  He wasn't able to stay in the military and wasn't able to celebrate his 21st birthday in the usual way. He was in the office today for a check up after a "suspicious" test.  This conversation put things into perspective for me and I went in to have the mole removed feeling not too anxious after all.  I thought about what I was doing for my 21st birthday and I felt very grateful for all the years of good health I've had.  

There was a quote on the wall I read while being sliced into today.  It was by Emerson and said, “The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”  

Got my first day of boost radiation today, then went home and got stung by a bee- much more painful than a needle!  I sat in my lounge chair on my back porch for lunch and didn't get up for 2 hours.  I didn't exactly fall asleep, but I was able to get very relaxed.  I'm hoping for a good night's sleep tonight.

28 Down, 5 To Go

6/5/09

Today was the last day of regular radiation.  Thank God.  It's been a hard morning.  Still having breast pain and feeling very tired.  It was hard getting my arm up over my head for radiation today- the pain has spread to my arm and shoulder.  I thought I'd feel better if I got out for a walk afterwards, so I got the walking clothes on and headed to the river.  Started walking but couldn't do it- not even a slow walk.  Any movement at all increases my breast pain.  I've taken some pain killers and am waiting for them to kick in.  Back home now resting.  

It's like the amount of radiation is just enough to bring me to my knees, then it'll be done.  Kind of like with chemo.  I know I'm almost there, but enough already!  

27 Down, 6 To Go

6/4/09

So close to the end and it's getting hard.  Lot's of breast pain today and my skin is starting to peel a bit, like with a sun burn.  Only ONE more day of regular radiation, so it will be ok.  Never really had much energy today, so I'm trying to rest a lot.

I had a check up today at a doctor's office located at the hospital.  His waiting room had the same view that I had from my hospital bed the night I stayed there.  I don't know what happened, but my pulse started racing and I got a horrible sick feeling in my stomach.  By the time I finished and made it back to my car, I felt light headed and like I was going to pass out.  I think I was having fear flash backs or something.  

26 Down, 7 To Go

6/3/09

What a hot day- I sweated and sweated and the bright blue circle on my breast is fuzzy and faded now, but still there.  Only 2 more days of regular radiation, then 5 days of the boost, then done!  I've been riding my bike and it's been the best exercise for me- gentle and fun and I'm not exhausted afterwards, just regular tired.   Still not sleeping too well at night, but having some fun dreams.  I dreamt that I was eating smores in a beautiful back yard in Rome...I did not want to wake up from that one!  The nice thing about being off work is that when I run out of energy, around 1 or 2 or so, I don't have to keep going.  I can lay down and rest for a few hours, then get up and continue on with my day.  Rest is good.

25 Down, 8 to Go

5/3/09

Got drawn on yesterday with a bright blue paint pen and told to stay out of water for the next 2 weeks.  It marks the spot for the "boost" radiation.  Also was told that I'd be wearing eye shields as this radiation can "scatter".  Can't wait for this to be over with.

24 Down, 9 To Go

6/1/09

I'm in the single digits!  Yeah!  I am so very happy to be so close to the end.  My first day off of work was today and I spent it at appointments- 3 different offices and 3 different gowns.  Oh how I hate those gowns!  Dr. T looked at my "suspicious mole" and said he could remove it next week.  He didn't seem too concerned and he'll have it checked for cancer.  He said my skin is holding up good and it was a good check up- short and sweet.  PT continues to go well.  Thank God I'm getting strength and range of motion back.  I had to swim this weekend for the first time since my operation, and I had the strength I needed.  Of course, most of it was adrenaline and God I believe.  I'm still freaked out about it, so not ready to write about it much.  I ended up jumping into a very cold, very deep swimming hole, with a strong current, to get to Kaycee, who was floating away down river.  I had a struggle getting us both back to shore.  My arm came through for me and although it was very sore afterwards, it's ok now.  

Hair Debut

5/30/09

Another beautiful, warm, sunny Saturday today.  Hard to remember all the Oregon rain when the weekend is so beautiful.  The girls and I went on our first official bike ride of the season.  We rode through the West Eugene Wetlands for a special day they were having- we got to stop at different stations and entered a drawing to win passes to Amazon pool and free car repairs, both of which we DESPERATELY need right now.  I'm using positive visualization to win these things- acting as if I've already got them....

My hair is coming back!  I've got maybe an inch all around.  It seems to be grey- I guess I earned my grey hair this past year!  I went out with just the bike helmet on, and we stopped off at a little coffee shop on the way back for cold drinks.  I was SO hot and when I went in, I considered just keeping the helmet on, since I haven't gone out in public yet without a head covering.  But, I looked around and realized that I was totally anonymous there so it felt safe to go bare headed.  I took the helmet off and the girls and I relaxed and played tic tac toe for awhile.  There was a bald guy sitting in the corner and I noticed that he kept looking at me.  He caught my eye a couple of times and smiled, almost like he was flirting.  I was a little freaked out because I really didn't want to be noticed by anyone.  As we left, he stopped me and told me that I had a great shaped head and that I carried "The Look" well.  It was an interesting experience.  I've never thought of my head as being a "Look", but I suppose it is my look now.  The guy's comments gave me enough courage to try one more public place without a head covering.  We went to the library, where it's impossible to stand out because there are so many "interesting" characters out front.  The girls didn't even notice that I wasn't wearing a hat.  I felt myself getting "looks" once I got inside the library, but I just tried not to make eye contact with anyone.  After awhile, I did start making eye contact, and to my surprise, several bald guys smiled at me!  What's up with that?  Do bald guys think it's cool to see a bald girl?  Anyway, I thought I'd wait till my birthday in a few weeks to uncover, but it's so hot I may just start now.  I had the thought that it'd be fun to get a picture right now with me and my 4 brothers- all of us bald at once.  Although technically, I'm no longer bald, I just have ultra short hair.  

I played soccer tonight and I believe I'm ready to rest now.  I've been paying close attention to my fatigue level and so far it's ok, but I'm not going to over do it.  Tomorrow will be more of a day of rest.  Last night I slept pretty well- these new sleeping pills are keeping me asleep for about 4-5 hours a stretch.  It makes a huge difference to not be sleep deprived!

23 Down, 10 To Go

5/29/09

So lethargic again today, but then I saw that it was 87 degrees!  The girls are lethargic too- it's hot.  I figured out a quick, cold dinner and we hung out in the hammocks in the shade.  It feels so good to just lay gently rocking and look up at tree leaves.  Had a check up today at the VA clinic and it was strongly recommended that I see my dermatologist to have a "suspicious" mole looked at.  Just what I don't want to think about right now.  Today was my last official day of work for a while.  I was thinking about all my rest time I'll have next week, but then I looked at my planner and I have so many doctor visits scheduled.  Oh well, it will be good to get them over with.  Next week is "boost week", which means I get re-measured and marked for the boost portion of radiation.  This is the last 5 days and it is less radiation in a smaller area.  I don't really understand it, but I remember at the beginning the doc talking about it and I just registered that boost equals almost done.  I'm almost done!!  

22 Down, 11 To Go

5/28/09

Well, I've finally made it up after a 3 hour rest.  I hit a big fatigue wall today and got home and just couldn't do anything but lay down and stare out the window.  I kept thinking I should get up and get dinner going, but couldn't do it.  I finally told the kids it was a "fend for yourself night".  They went foraging for food in the kitchen and actually didn't do too bad.  Karina surprisingly got herself some fruits and veggies to go with her dinner.  Kaycee had a can of mandarine oranges, a yogurt, and a roll with cheese.  I always feel so guilty when they eat like that.  It's so far removed from what I imagine dinner is supposed to be.  But, they seem to enjoy getting whatever they want and really, who says we all have to eat traditional dinner foods anyway.  They made me a pb and honey sandwich and a glass of milk, and I feel a bit better now that I've eaten.  After dinner we all hung out in the back yard on the hammocks and just chatted about nothing in particular.  There is something so soothing and relaxing about swinging gently under the trees.  It's so cool there after such a hot day.  

I've been feeling so overwhelmed lately over any small thing that happens.  I remember the story, "Flowers for Algernon" about the mentally retarded man who scientists worked with and improved his intelligence to the point that he was a genius.  Then, slowly, he began to go backwards and lose his intelligence.  It was so hard for him because all the while he remembered that he used to know and understand things that he could no longer grasp.  That's what it's been like for me.  I used to be able to handle several different challenges at once, either at home or at work.  It was kind of fun and stimulating to problem solve and use creative thinking around different challenges.  Lately, though, problems come up and I know I used to be able solve them, but now my brain can't handle them- it's kind of like walking through the day drunk and trying to function like a sober person.  People tell me this is fatigue, and I know it is.  I'm going to take some time off work to just rest and get through the remaining radiation.  I think I need some days of doing nothing but taking care of myself.  

I had good news at radiation today.  The doc said my skin looks really good and it's much better than most people at my stage of radiation.  She said typically at this point the skin is burned and has open blister areas.  I've been using the spray from the naturopath and so far the skin on my breast just looks like it has a dark tan.  The throbbing pain hasn't been there in awhile.  I have some herbs that I take when it begins to throb, and so far they help.  Also, more good news- I slept pretty well last night- I don't recall any hot flashes and I only woke up twice.  I woke up tired, though, so I think I need a few more nights of good sleep.  Actually, right now I feel like crawling into bed and hibernating for a week.

21 Down, 12 To Go

5/27/09

It would have been a better day today, but I went back to work and ended up driving 60 MILES doing home visits.  Way, way too much driving for me.  It was hard to stay awake and my arm aches when I hold the steering wheel that much.  But, another great PT visit with ever improving range of motion and strength in my arm.

Tried the new sleeping pill last night.  I still woke up just as often with the hot flashes, but I was able to go back to sleep pretty quickly, so I ended up feeling more rested this morning.  Didn't have the courage to try the hot flash medicine, so I tried some herbs instead.  I'll give it another week or so.

Only 12 more to go.  12 more.  Almost done!

20 Down, 13 To Go

Incredibly tired today.  I woke up groggy after a restless night- woke every two hours with hot flashes.  Saw my regular doc today and he recommended a blood pressure medicine that is supposed to reduce night time hot flashes, but he warned me to be careful if I need to get up in the middle of the night as I could pass out from my blood pressure being too low.  He also gave me a different kind of sleeping pill.  More drugs...fun, fun, fun.  I stayed home today and tried to sleep, but it never happened, so I just rested for most of the day.  I did go for a walk- a very slow, very short walk by the river.  My leg muscles ache today- must be the arimidex.  I felt like I was walking through mud and finally gave it up.  Good news at PT today.  The swelling in my arm has gone way down and my range of motion is getting better.  It wasn't expected to show improvement until after radiation.  I needed good news today.  13 more to go.  I guess this is the final-two-week-radiation-fatigue that I was told about.  Can't wait for it to be over.

Mood Swings

5/25/09

A beautiful, awesome, fun weekend.  I had 2 days of normal energy.  I've had pictures of kayaking up in my room all winter, dreaming of when I could take mine out again.  I finally got to go out this weekend kayaking at a lake and it was so much fun.  Karina took one out on her own and was completely competent and independent with it.  This is the first Memorial Day weekend I can remember in Oregon where the weather was perfect- sunny and not too hot.  And, I got to spend some time in the woods around a camp fire.  All in all, the perfect weekend.

Somehow my mood crashed today.  I may have over done the activities this weekend, and I didn't sleep well last night.  My appetite has been weird- I get hungry but can't think of anything that I'd like to eat.  So I don't eat, then I get cranky and starving and I just grab whatever I can find in the fridge.  I wonder if that's a side effect of radiation?  I'll have to remember to ask.  The hot flashes have been happening all throughout the day.   All in all I'd have to say menopause sucks so far.  I think it's steadily been getting better, but right now I'm tired and cranky and menopause sucks.  If I can just get a good night's sleep tonight I hope it will set the tone for a good work week.  

I'm trying to remember too that the doc said that as I get farther along with radiation, it builds up in my body and I can experience more fatigue toward the end.  Just like with chemo.  I remember too that she said while radiation is easier than chemo, it's still very hard on the body.  I keep reminding myself that it'll be over soon- in less than three weeks.  

19 Down, 14 To Go