6 breaths

4/29/09

Today was my first regular day of radiation.  It was so quick!  It took about 3 minutes to get into the right position on the table, then the radiation began.  I had time to breathe in and out 6 times, repeating my phrase, "I'm loved, I'm healed, I'm protected" only twice, then I was done!  

I picked up a bottle of something from my naturopath to spray on my breast each time after radiation.  It's made of aloe vera, calendula, lavender, and a few other things.  It's supposed to help prevent burning.  I'm also using emu oil.  My breast hurts again on the inside- sort of a deep throbbing.  But so far the skin is ok.

I cut my nails today and pulled chunks of dead skin out from underneath them.  Pretty gross, but they don't stink anymore and I can feel the healthy nail growing and pushing the dead nail out.

My chemo cough is gone!  And my tongue is no longer numb (it was numb after my surgery, probably because I bit it).

I'm exhausted and on the couch, but my mood is way better than it was this morning.  I had acupuncture yesterday and she did something for the hot flashes, but said it could take a few days to work.  I'm hopeful that tonight will be a better sleeping night for me.

2 down, 31 to go.

HALT

4/29/09

I woke up Hungry/Angry/Lonely/Tired today.  Not a great way to start the day after feeling so good yesterday and last night.  The hot flashes continue to wake me several times a night and I have trouble getting back to sleep.  More disturbing dreams.  It was very hard to get out of bed this morning.  I was hungry, but still have a stomach ache, so couldn't eat.  Lonely from waking up all night long and not wanting to call anyone at 2, 4, 6 in the morning.  Angry/frustrated at my out of control emotions.  It took a huge effort to get dressed and I couldn't stop crying.  Karina was so incredibly sweet- she's been so cheerful lately and she came in and gave me a hug.  Who knows, maybe all this that I'm going through will help her understand herself better when her hormones kick in and get all out of whack.

It took another great effort, but I made it in to work.  I had to call several people first to talk.  I am so grateful that I have such wise people to call.  I took some time to walk along the river and although I was sore, it was good to move and to be outside.  I just finished a nice meal in a cute little cafe in Junction City, and I've been sipping tea and watching small town life go by on the main street out the window.  I am so very tired, but much calmer and peaceful now.  I know this hard stuff won't last forever.  It just sucks when I'm right in the middle of it!

32 Left

4/28/09

1 down, 32 more radiation treatments to go!  Today was not nearly as bad as I had imagined.  Parts of it were creepy, but I found ways to cope.  I went in, got into a gown, walked to a back waiting room, and waited for my therapist to call me back.  Went into a cold room with a big machine.  This room was decorated with Christmas lights and pretty pictures all over the ceiling and the machine.  The therapist is a youngish rapster looking dude and he has two nice, young female assistants.  They will be the ones I see most of the time.  On the machine they did some more drawing on me with a black pen- I ended up with a big square around my breast and a bunch of x's and dots on other areas of my chest.  They took more digital pictures with a camera (just what I want- pictures of myself taken when I'm exposed and marked on)  And they took a bunch of xrays to mark my position, then I got radiated, then more xrays.  The actual radiation part goes twice and lasts about 30 seconds.  At the end I got my tattoos- three little dots.  The needle really hurt!  Made me re-think getting a real tattoo.  The room was cold and the people kept speaking in codes- calling out different numbers.  It was all very clinical and not at all warm and cozy like in Dr. T's office.  So, I'm not going to get my nurturing from the place or the staff.  I decided to close my eyes and meditate.  I repeated these words with each breath:  "I am loved, I am healed, I am protected".  Not sure why I picked those, but that's what came to me.  I was on the machine for maybe 25 minutes today and by the end I was very relaxed.  As I was laying there I thought about how I've been wanting to start meditating, but haven't started yet because I never take the time.  I think I'll use my 10 minutes a day on the machine to meditate.  Tomorrow I pick up an herbal spray from the naturopath that is supposed to help prevent burning.  I saw the acupuncturist today and she said she can help with my night sweats and my digestion problems (my tummy has been upset for the last week or so). 

All in all, I feel like I'll be ok.  I've got people to help me with side effects and I think the remaining 32 days will go by fast.  I've decided to do extra self-care for myself for the next 6 weeks.  I'm going to reward myself each Friday- maybe with Sweet Life, maybe with coffee- whatever I feel like.  And, I'm planning on trying to begin running next week.  I walked again today and felt great.  Today was my first day with no pain killers.  I'm tired now, but not in pain!  I plan to walk the rest of the week, then on Monday I thought I could bring my running clothes to radiation, put them on when I'm changing out of the gown, and go straight to Alton Baker Park.  Even if I can't actually run yet, I think I'll feel more motivated wearing the clothes.  Maybe I'll just start mostly walking, and add running in for a few minutes at a time.  Today I feel hopeful, like I can get back in shape and like I can get strong again.  Today I feel happy!

Arimidex

4/27/09

I started arimidex today- the little pill that will block the rest of my estrogen and that I'll take for 5 years.  And, most importantly, that can block the return of breast cancer.  I can stop on April 26, 2014.  Dr. T asked today if I had started it and when I said no, he asked why.  I told him I was afraid of the side effects.  He promised me that the return of breast cancer would be way worse than any of the side effects from this drug.  That was enough to prompt me to get my prescription filled.  Here is a bit of what the drug info says are common side effects:  constipation, diarrhea, vomiting, upset stomach, loss of appetite, body aches and pains, breast swelling/tenderness/pain, headache, dry mouth, cough, dizziness (take care when engaging in activities requiring alertness such as driving.....for 5 years?!), trouble sleeping, weakness, hot flashes, hair thinning, weight change (up or down I wonder?)  I won't even list the serious side effects. I'm not too thrilled about beginning this.  I'm hopeful, of course, that I won't get the side effects.  I'm seriously considering hypnosis.  I read somewhere that it can help with post-surgical recovery.  I wonder if it could help with my fears around radiation?  Right when Dr. W (my new doc) started talking about the side effect of breast pain, my breast started throbbing.  It's hurt ever since.  That's got to be my mind.  I'd be willing to try hypnosis- anyone ever try it for anything like this before?  What do people think?

I got the call today that I'll start radiation tomorrow at 10:15.  I thought I was ok, but after the call I got scared (my normal pre-procedure anxiety).  I saw Dr. T this afternoon and everything was ok with my stomach xray and he recommended that I get back to playing soccer next week.  Gotta love a doctor like that.  As I was leaving his office, I got one of those calls from a time share offering me a couple of very cheap vacations in exchange for listening to their sales pitch.  I've done it twice before with this company and gone to Seaside and Newport and had a great time with the girls (the key is to ask no questions during the sales pitch and to repeat the phrase "that won't work for me, but thank you for your presentation" at the end when they really put the pressure on).  I am so badly in need of a vacation that I agreed immediately to the one they offered over the phone.  I was probably the easiest sell they've ever had.  They sure did pick the right time to call- right when I needed something to look forward to!  So, hopefully sometime in June the girls and I will go to Sunriver and we're still hoping for Mexico in Aug- staying in a friend's house (thanks B!) and maybe now adding on a few nights at a resort as part of the thing I got today.

So even though I went through a rough patch today, I'm feeling better now.  Although very sore and tired- from what I'm not sure.  I think I'll hold the image of swimming with dolphins each time I have to be in the radiation machine.

Getting Myself Back

4/26/09

Another of Karina's soccer games today at a field where my team plays.  I got there feeling exhausted, having spent the morning helping the girls rearrange their rooms and set up bunk beds (with lots of help from friends).  When we arrived at the game there was a woman running around the track.  She kind of reminded me of myself- similar in age, appearance, and running style.  She was still running at half time and I was so envious of her and feeling sorry for myself.  Then something fired up in me and I decided to be inspired by her instead of envious.  I got up and walked around the track 3 times.  It's my first walk since the surgery. The first lap felt great, the second one I slowed down, and the third one I just sort of hobbled along.  I figured that if I'm ever going to get back in shape, I need to stop moping about and get up and start at the beginning with slow walking.  It was SO good for my mental health today to walk, and I had a strong sense of believing that I will get my self back.  About an hour after the walk, I was in a lot of pain.  I ended the evening on the couch, taking another vicadin.  I feel like I did a couple hundred sit ups.  I can hardly hold my body up straight when I stand up.  But, I feel so very happy! 

 When I was having such sadness this morning I went to the garden and thinned out the peas for about 20 minutes.  Something about being in the quiet with my hands in the dirt really calmed me.  

My house is a wreck at the moment- it looks like a tornado came through- a result of the room rearranging.  But, I've told myself that the girls and I will just do a little bit each day this week and it will be ok.  No one really cares what my house looks like.  Best of all, I managed to make another meal.  It was simple, just soup in bread bowls, but the girls were really grateful.  Kaycee told me she's so happy that I'm starting to make meals again.  Yeah!  I'm happy too.  Only for some reason my oven decided to stop working, just when I was ready to start cooking again!  Oh well, that's a problem for another day.

I am so very exhausted right now and I am hoping to sleep peacefully and deeply.

Ugh

4/26/09

Feeling so blah today.  My stupid mind won't leave me alone.  Two nights now of nightmares.  The first night was full of me in machines and loud noises and cold rooms and me naked on a table with people all around poking at my body.  Won't 33 days of that be fun?  During the day I'm fine with radiation- a bit nervous, but looking forward to starting so I can be done.  At night, all my fears get me while I try to sleep.

Sleep is still weird- I can fall asleep ok, but start waking around 2 and don't really sleep well after that.  My stomach feels better.  Now it feels like I've got a side ache on both sides.  It keeps me walking slow still, but it's better than straight out pain.  I actually had energy to make oatmeal for breakfast- the kind you cook on the stove and add cinnamon and sugar to.  But the kids are in shock at non-packaged food and won't eat it.  Last night I was out of energy and we ate chips, cheese, lunch meat, hummus,  salsa, and grapes for dinner in front of the fire place.  The girls asked me several times, "Is this dinner?"  Hey, I covered most of the food groups, why not call it dinner?  

My plan for next week, or I should say my hope, is to do radiation at the end of the day, then go over to Alton Baker Park each time and walk a bit along the river.  I really, really want to start exercising again.  I saw a woman running the hurdles yesterday at Karina's soccer game and I was filled with envy.  There is no way I could run right now.  It makes me sad.  I asked the doc how long until I'll feel back to my normal self after radiation.  She said that people who just have radiation return to their normal energy level in a few months.  People that have chemo and radiation take about a year.  I blocked that answer out of my mind because it seemed too cruel.  Plus, maybe it will be different for me.  I'll stick to my plan of a good diet, exercise, and whatever the naturopath and acupuncturist can do for me.  I'm trying to talk myself into feeling better, but it's not working so far.

Gratitude

I just now realized that my eyes stopped watering!  They ran and watered and gooped non-stop for weeks and I just now realized that it stopped!  Wow, I've been so miserable this week that I didn't even notice!  Wonder when they stopped.  GRATITUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!