There's a cool website that a friend told me about where you can sign up to receive a message from "The Universe" each day. Its www.tut.com. I've been getting some really perfect ones. Here's two of my favorite:
I wish there were words to tell you, Krista, how beautiful life really is, how safe you always are, and of the love that constantly bathes you.
How powerful you are, how much you can have, and of the glories that await.
Of the perfection, the magic, and the infinite possibilities.
But you actually threatened me with bodily harm if I were to ever let you peek at where you were headed before you arrived.
You gangsta',
The Universe
You do realize, Krista, don't you, that there have been others - in lifetimes, millenniums, and civilizations past - who have been to some of the same "places" you've been to? Yet, they got so scared they lost control, turned away, or flat out quit.
Yep, and they surround you now in the unseen. Your greatest admirers.
Thanks,
The Universe
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Post Surgery
I am to nauseated to type so my friend is tying this for me. The pain medication has left me feeling car sick; no not puking, just dizzy. I stayed in bed most of the day exhausted it was very quiet and peaceful, without the girls here, but I missed them. I took the bandages off today and saw the scar, it is longer than I thought it would be but I am definetly NOT DEFORMED.
If I get to keep my breast I think a tatoo of pink roses winding around the scar would be pretty. Now I am waiting to hear the results from pathology to see what my next steps are. Yesterday was an amazing life changing weirdly positive experience. More about that later.
If I get to keep my breast I think a tatoo of pink roses winding around the scar would be pretty. Now I am waiting to hear the results from pathology to see what my next steps are. Yesterday was an amazing life changing weirdly positive experience. More about that later.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
LIMO DAY
11/18/08
AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just waiting. My stomach is a mess, good thing I can't eat today.
Waiting, waiting, waiting. There's some peace actually in waiting. There's something to be learned here. A whole day to be still and to not even worry about getting from point A to point B. The girls are in good hands. Last night there was some anger, but this morning was sweet. I left them each a note in their lunch boxes. The house will seem empty without them tonight.
I can feel the love and good thoughts in the atmosphere already. I am actually feeling deeply grateful for many, many things right now. I'm amazed at the way God works through people- friends and strangers alike.
I've decided to discard the word "deformed". My body is my body and I've worked hard the past few years to accept all of it, exactly as it is. I will do this again. Scars simply have stories to tell, and this scar will ultimately have a good story to tell.
AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just waiting. My stomach is a mess, good thing I can't eat today.
Waiting, waiting, waiting. There's some peace actually in waiting. There's something to be learned here. A whole day to be still and to not even worry about getting from point A to point B. The girls are in good hands. Last night there was some anger, but this morning was sweet. I left them each a note in their lunch boxes. The house will seem empty without them tonight.
I can feel the love and good thoughts in the atmosphere already. I am actually feeling deeply grateful for many, many things right now. I'm amazed at the way God works through people- friends and strangers alike.
I've decided to discard the word "deformed". My body is my body and I've worked hard the past few years to accept all of it, exactly as it is. I will do this again. Scars simply have stories to tell, and this scar will ultimately have a good story to tell.
Monday, November 17, 2008
More Monday Madness
Nov 17 (I think?), 2008
Another relaxing weekend where I didn't have to think too much about my situation. Went into work this Monday all happy and relaxed. Started getting anxious about an hour before my dr. appt. Went in and got some good news, some bad news, and some wait and see news. The good news is the left breast biopsy came back NEGATIVE for cancer! This is a big, huge deal to me and when I'm done freaking out, I know I'll be very happy about this. The right breast I already knew from last week that it does have more spots. Today the doctor explained that the lumpectomy will be large and that it won't look pretty. The actual word he used, several times, was "deformed". What an ugly word. Then it got worse. He said that the MRI actually showed three spots and that those may be all, or there may be more that aren't showing up. I will find out about that a week after the surgery when the pathology report comes back. It would mean another surgery for a mastectomy. He also explained that since the original lump sent out satellite cancers, that there is a high probability that it will be in my lymph nodes and that I would need a second surgery to remove those, probably within two weeks of the first surgery. Not too thrilled about that, but again, I won't know until pathology comes back a week after tomorrow. He did say that chemotherapy is almost certain, and that would start within a few weeks of my last surgery, and go for about 6 months, possibly followed by radiation. It got worse from there, but I'm not ready to write about that yet. Well, when I say worse, I mean emotionally worse, not really too big of a deal medically I suppose.
For tomorrow, plans have changed a bit. I'm back at Oregon Imaging in the morning for a needle biopsy so that a wire can mark the outer edge of the cancer so the doc knows where to remove the piece. They are going to stick the wire in me, then put me in a limo (hey, I get to have another limo ride!) and send me over to the hospital. I thought that maybe "limo" was doctor slang for "ambulance", but the doctor assured me it would be a real limo. Kind of surreal and funny. My nuclear medicine thing will be at 12:45 and the actual surgery will be at 2:30.
I met another woman today who had breast cancer two years ago and she was very comforting. Many, many emotions today after the doctor's visit. Not sure how I'll be feeling tomorrow. I did get mostly good news about the rest of the original pathology reports- the markers were not alarming- this has to do with cell growth, aggressiveness, and some other things.
The girls and I have be receiving some wonderful meals already and we are deeply grateful for them. We feel nurtured and taken care of and I am so thankful for the amazing people that have been helping us out in so many different ways.
Another relaxing weekend where I didn't have to think too much about my situation. Went into work this Monday all happy and relaxed. Started getting anxious about an hour before my dr. appt. Went in and got some good news, some bad news, and some wait and see news. The good news is the left breast biopsy came back NEGATIVE for cancer! This is a big, huge deal to me and when I'm done freaking out, I know I'll be very happy about this. The right breast I already knew from last week that it does have more spots. Today the doctor explained that the lumpectomy will be large and that it won't look pretty. The actual word he used, several times, was "deformed". What an ugly word. Then it got worse. He said that the MRI actually showed three spots and that those may be all, or there may be more that aren't showing up. I will find out about that a week after the surgery when the pathology report comes back. It would mean another surgery for a mastectomy. He also explained that since the original lump sent out satellite cancers, that there is a high probability that it will be in my lymph nodes and that I would need a second surgery to remove those, probably within two weeks of the first surgery. Not too thrilled about that, but again, I won't know until pathology comes back a week after tomorrow. He did say that chemotherapy is almost certain, and that would start within a few weeks of my last surgery, and go for about 6 months, possibly followed by radiation. It got worse from there, but I'm not ready to write about that yet. Well, when I say worse, I mean emotionally worse, not really too big of a deal medically I suppose.
For tomorrow, plans have changed a bit. I'm back at Oregon Imaging in the morning for a needle biopsy so that a wire can mark the outer edge of the cancer so the doc knows where to remove the piece. They are going to stick the wire in me, then put me in a limo (hey, I get to have another limo ride!) and send me over to the hospital. I thought that maybe "limo" was doctor slang for "ambulance", but the doctor assured me it would be a real limo. Kind of surreal and funny. My nuclear medicine thing will be at 12:45 and the actual surgery will be at 2:30.
I met another woman today who had breast cancer two years ago and she was very comforting. Many, many emotions today after the doctor's visit. Not sure how I'll be feeling tomorrow. I did get mostly good news about the rest of the original pathology reports- the markers were not alarming- this has to do with cell growth, aggressiveness, and some other things.
The girls and I have be receiving some wonderful meals already and we are deeply grateful for them. We feel nurtured and taken care of and I am so thankful for the amazing people that have been helping us out in so many different ways.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
MRI/Biopsy
11/15/08
So, yesterday went way, way better than I had anticipated, and I expected it to be the most scary procedure yet. A friend came over in the morning and we had a great talk and she did Reiki with me. I am still just beginning to learn about what reiki is, so I can't really explain it here. I can say that I felt deeply relaxed, unafraid, and incredibly strong afterwards. I even felt hungry for the first time in a while, and my stomach wasn't in a knot. I became aware of my heart beating- not faster than usual, but more powerful than I had ever noticed before.
My next friend arrived to drive me, and off we went. I was feeling great until we started going up and around in the parking garage, and I went back to that place of fear and nervousness. This was my FIFTH time at Oregon Imaging in the past couple of weeks, and I wasn't thrilled to be back. The ladies at the front desk are so kind though, that I actually felt comfortable once I walked in- its become a familiar place to me.
My patient navigator was there too and she visited with me a bit in the waiting room. I didn't have long at all to wait and off I went to change- a pair of HUGE scrub pants, a gown that opened in front, and another that opened in back. Drowning in clothing, I shuffled off to get an IV in and straight to the MRI room. My friend stayed outside and was able to watch through the window. The patient navigator came in and I felt such comfort, like many people were holding me in their thoughts. I felt like there was positive energy and love in the atmosphere around me (and this was before the drugs!!!!) My patient navigator kept her hand on my back and rubbed me in the most comforting way. The medical people there were incredibly compassionate and gentle with me. I had to be positioned face down on the table, with my upper body on a sort of upward slanting ramp, with my breasts hanging down through two holes, and my forehead resting on a narrow support. My arms were just sort of tucked up onto the table. Once I was positioned, I got some drugs- Verced and something else, in my IV. I was a little worried about having a bad reaction- I haven't ever had any type of medical drugs before and didn't know what to expect. But, I was still feeling mostly calm- I think the Reiki, the support from friends, the medical staff, the presence of God, and the thoughts of all the people thinking of me were at work. Once they pushed me into the MRI machine, I could feel the drugs kick in and I felt kind of dizzy, then just so relaxed that I couldn't really move, which was great since I was supposed to stay still. Some pictures were taken, and I was pulled out of the machine. The doctor numbed me up and inserted a ceramic marker, then I went back into the tube for more pictures. Then back out of the tube for the actual biopsy. This time I didn't feel anything at all, not even any pressure. She took 10 samples, and each time the needle going in made a sound like a sewing machine. When she was done, I may have gone back in the tube again- I don't really remember. The whole thing took about an hour, but seemed much shorter. When it was time to get up, I was pretty wobbly, but had someone helping me. I went off to get a mammogram. They had told me ahead of time that I would need a mammogram afterwards- not too cool! The incision couldn't be taped up till after the mammogram, so there was some blood that I saw that freaked me out a little. In the mammogram room I started shaking all over- they said it was probably an after effect of the drugs. I sat while the pictures were taken, then had to wait a while with pressure on the incision until it stopped bleeding, then it got taped up and off I went to change. I got into the changing room and had a bit of privacy and started bawling. Not sure why- it really wasn't all that stressful, but I guess my body was stressed. My friend came in and hugged me and helped me to get dressed and off we went. It was so eery walking into the waiting room, feeling like I had just been through something huge, but here I was walking out into the world as if all was normal. My breast stayed numbed up and I did not experience the type of pain like before. I got home and was just so zoned out. I am so grateful that my friend picked up the girls, got dinner, another friend came and took the girls out for the evening, and yet another friend came over and hung out with me and helped get the girls to bed once they got home. I went to bed quite early and woke up a few times in pain, but took the vicadin and slept pretty well. Today I am feeling some pain at the site of the incision, and some stiffness in my arm, but mostly I'm just very, very tired.
The girls and I are going to the library and to spend some time outside and I am so very, very grateful that we get one more weekend to relax together before the surgery.
I am most grateful for all the friends who supported me yesterday, both the ones physically present with me and the ones whose thoughts were with me. I am experiencing the power of those thoughts. Please think of me again Tuesday at 10:30 when I'm being injected with radioactive stuff, and again at 1:00 when I'll be having surgery.
So, yesterday went way, way better than I had anticipated, and I expected it to be the most scary procedure yet. A friend came over in the morning and we had a great talk and she did Reiki with me. I am still just beginning to learn about what reiki is, so I can't really explain it here. I can say that I felt deeply relaxed, unafraid, and incredibly strong afterwards. I even felt hungry for the first time in a while, and my stomach wasn't in a knot. I became aware of my heart beating- not faster than usual, but more powerful than I had ever noticed before.
My next friend arrived to drive me, and off we went. I was feeling great until we started going up and around in the parking garage, and I went back to that place of fear and nervousness. This was my FIFTH time at Oregon Imaging in the past couple of weeks, and I wasn't thrilled to be back. The ladies at the front desk are so kind though, that I actually felt comfortable once I walked in- its become a familiar place to me.
My patient navigator was there too and she visited with me a bit in the waiting room. I didn't have long at all to wait and off I went to change- a pair of HUGE scrub pants, a gown that opened in front, and another that opened in back. Drowning in clothing, I shuffled off to get an IV in and straight to the MRI room. My friend stayed outside and was able to watch through the window. The patient navigator came in and I felt such comfort, like many people were holding me in their thoughts. I felt like there was positive energy and love in the atmosphere around me (and this was before the drugs!!!!) My patient navigator kept her hand on my back and rubbed me in the most comforting way. The medical people there were incredibly compassionate and gentle with me. I had to be positioned face down on the table, with my upper body on a sort of upward slanting ramp, with my breasts hanging down through two holes, and my forehead resting on a narrow support. My arms were just sort of tucked up onto the table. Once I was positioned, I got some drugs- Verced and something else, in my IV. I was a little worried about having a bad reaction- I haven't ever had any type of medical drugs before and didn't know what to expect. But, I was still feeling mostly calm- I think the Reiki, the support from friends, the medical staff, the presence of God, and the thoughts of all the people thinking of me were at work. Once they pushed me into the MRI machine, I could feel the drugs kick in and I felt kind of dizzy, then just so relaxed that I couldn't really move, which was great since I was supposed to stay still. Some pictures were taken, and I was pulled out of the machine. The doctor numbed me up and inserted a ceramic marker, then I went back into the tube for more pictures. Then back out of the tube for the actual biopsy. This time I didn't feel anything at all, not even any pressure. She took 10 samples, and each time the needle going in made a sound like a sewing machine. When she was done, I may have gone back in the tube again- I don't really remember. The whole thing took about an hour, but seemed much shorter. When it was time to get up, I was pretty wobbly, but had someone helping me. I went off to get a mammogram. They had told me ahead of time that I would need a mammogram afterwards- not too cool! The incision couldn't be taped up till after the mammogram, so there was some blood that I saw that freaked me out a little. In the mammogram room I started shaking all over- they said it was probably an after effect of the drugs. I sat while the pictures were taken, then had to wait a while with pressure on the incision until it stopped bleeding, then it got taped up and off I went to change. I got into the changing room and had a bit of privacy and started bawling. Not sure why- it really wasn't all that stressful, but I guess my body was stressed. My friend came in and hugged me and helped me to get dressed and off we went. It was so eery walking into the waiting room, feeling like I had just been through something huge, but here I was walking out into the world as if all was normal. My breast stayed numbed up and I did not experience the type of pain like before. I got home and was just so zoned out. I am so grateful that my friend picked up the girls, got dinner, another friend came and took the girls out for the evening, and yet another friend came over and hung out with me and helped get the girls to bed once they got home. I went to bed quite early and woke up a few times in pain, but took the vicadin and slept pretty well. Today I am feeling some pain at the site of the incision, and some stiffness in my arm, but mostly I'm just very, very tired.
The girls and I are going to the library and to spend some time outside and I am so very, very grateful that we get one more weekend to relax together before the surgery.
I am most grateful for all the friends who supported me yesterday, both the ones physically present with me and the ones whose thoughts were with me. I am experiencing the power of those thoughts. Please think of me again Tuesday at 10:30 when I'm being injected with radioactive stuff, and again at 1:00 when I'll be having surgery.
one more down
Nov 15, 2008
Just a quick note to say that I'm fine. The third biopsy went well- way better than the first two. I did find out that on the right breast, the other two areas are also cancerous- so one lump and 2 "satellites". Which I believe means a bigger lumpectomy, but I'll find out more on Monday. The doctor who did the biopsy yesterday said the one on the left did not feel cancerous- no resistance to the 10 needles she injected, so we'll see. I'm hopeful..
Just a quick note to say that I'm fine. The third biopsy went well- way better than the first two. I did find out that on the right breast, the other two areas are also cancerous- so one lump and 2 "satellites". Which I believe means a bigger lumpectomy, but I'll find out more on Monday. The doctor who did the biopsy yesterday said the one on the left did not feel cancerous- no resistance to the 10 needles she injected, so we'll see. I'm hopeful..
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