32 Left

4/28/09

1 down, 32 more radiation treatments to go!  Today was not nearly as bad as I had imagined.  Parts of it were creepy, but I found ways to cope.  I went in, got into a gown, walked to a back waiting room, and waited for my therapist to call me back.  Went into a cold room with a big machine.  This room was decorated with Christmas lights and pretty pictures all over the ceiling and the machine.  The therapist is a youngish rapster looking dude and he has two nice, young female assistants.  They will be the ones I see most of the time.  On the machine they did some more drawing on me with a black pen- I ended up with a big square around my breast and a bunch of x's and dots on other areas of my chest.  They took more digital pictures with a camera (just what I want- pictures of myself taken when I'm exposed and marked on)  And they took a bunch of xrays to mark my position, then I got radiated, then more xrays.  The actual radiation part goes twice and lasts about 30 seconds.  At the end I got my tattoos- three little dots.  The needle really hurt!  Made me re-think getting a real tattoo.  The room was cold and the people kept speaking in codes- calling out different numbers.  It was all very clinical and not at all warm and cozy like in Dr. T's office.  So, I'm not going to get my nurturing from the place or the staff.  I decided to close my eyes and meditate.  I repeated these words with each breath:  "I am loved, I am healed, I am protected".  Not sure why I picked those, but that's what came to me.  I was on the machine for maybe 25 minutes today and by the end I was very relaxed.  As I was laying there I thought about how I've been wanting to start meditating, but haven't started yet because I never take the time.  I think I'll use my 10 minutes a day on the machine to meditate.  Tomorrow I pick up an herbal spray from the naturopath that is supposed to help prevent burning.  I saw the acupuncturist today and she said she can help with my night sweats and my digestion problems (my tummy has been upset for the last week or so). 

All in all, I feel like I'll be ok.  I've got people to help me with side effects and I think the remaining 32 days will go by fast.  I've decided to do extra self-care for myself for the next 6 weeks.  I'm going to reward myself each Friday- maybe with Sweet Life, maybe with coffee- whatever I feel like.  And, I'm planning on trying to begin running next week.  I walked again today and felt great.  Today was my first day with no pain killers.  I'm tired now, but not in pain!  I plan to walk the rest of the week, then on Monday I thought I could bring my running clothes to radiation, put them on when I'm changing out of the gown, and go straight to Alton Baker Park.  Even if I can't actually run yet, I think I'll feel more motivated wearing the clothes.  Maybe I'll just start mostly walking, and add running in for a few minutes at a time.  Today I feel hopeful, like I can get back in shape and like I can get strong again.  Today I feel happy!

Arimidex

4/27/09

I started arimidex today- the little pill that will block the rest of my estrogen and that I'll take for 5 years.  And, most importantly, that can block the return of breast cancer.  I can stop on April 26, 2014.  Dr. T asked today if I had started it and when I said no, he asked why.  I told him I was afraid of the side effects.  He promised me that the return of breast cancer would be way worse than any of the side effects from this drug.  That was enough to prompt me to get my prescription filled.  Here is a bit of what the drug info says are common side effects:  constipation, diarrhea, vomiting, upset stomach, loss of appetite, body aches and pains, breast swelling/tenderness/pain, headache, dry mouth, cough, dizziness (take care when engaging in activities requiring alertness such as driving.....for 5 years?!), trouble sleeping, weakness, hot flashes, hair thinning, weight change (up or down I wonder?)  I won't even list the serious side effects. I'm not too thrilled about beginning this.  I'm hopeful, of course, that I won't get the side effects.  I'm seriously considering hypnosis.  I read somewhere that it can help with post-surgical recovery.  I wonder if it could help with my fears around radiation?  Right when Dr. W (my new doc) started talking about the side effect of breast pain, my breast started throbbing.  It's hurt ever since.  That's got to be my mind.  I'd be willing to try hypnosis- anyone ever try it for anything like this before?  What do people think?

I got the call today that I'll start radiation tomorrow at 10:15.  I thought I was ok, but after the call I got scared (my normal pre-procedure anxiety).  I saw Dr. T this afternoon and everything was ok with my stomach xray and he recommended that I get back to playing soccer next week.  Gotta love a doctor like that.  As I was leaving his office, I got one of those calls from a time share offering me a couple of very cheap vacations in exchange for listening to their sales pitch.  I've done it twice before with this company and gone to Seaside and Newport and had a great time with the girls (the key is to ask no questions during the sales pitch and to repeat the phrase "that won't work for me, but thank you for your presentation" at the end when they really put the pressure on).  I am so badly in need of a vacation that I agreed immediately to the one they offered over the phone.  I was probably the easiest sell they've ever had.  They sure did pick the right time to call- right when I needed something to look forward to!  So, hopefully sometime in June the girls and I will go to Sunriver and we're still hoping for Mexico in Aug- staying in a friend's house (thanks B!) and maybe now adding on a few nights at a resort as part of the thing I got today.

So even though I went through a rough patch today, I'm feeling better now.  Although very sore and tired- from what I'm not sure.  I think I'll hold the image of swimming with dolphins each time I have to be in the radiation machine.

Getting Myself Back

4/26/09

Another of Karina's soccer games today at a field where my team plays.  I got there feeling exhausted, having spent the morning helping the girls rearrange their rooms and set up bunk beds (with lots of help from friends).  When we arrived at the game there was a woman running around the track.  She kind of reminded me of myself- similar in age, appearance, and running style.  She was still running at half time and I was so envious of her and feeling sorry for myself.  Then something fired up in me and I decided to be inspired by her instead of envious.  I got up and walked around the track 3 times.  It's my first walk since the surgery. The first lap felt great, the second one I slowed down, and the third one I just sort of hobbled along.  I figured that if I'm ever going to get back in shape, I need to stop moping about and get up and start at the beginning with slow walking.  It was SO good for my mental health today to walk, and I had a strong sense of believing that I will get my self back.  About an hour after the walk, I was in a lot of pain.  I ended the evening on the couch, taking another vicadin.  I feel like I did a couple hundred sit ups.  I can hardly hold my body up straight when I stand up.  But, I feel so very happy! 

 When I was having such sadness this morning I went to the garden and thinned out the peas for about 20 minutes.  Something about being in the quiet with my hands in the dirt really calmed me.  

My house is a wreck at the moment- it looks like a tornado came through- a result of the room rearranging.  But, I've told myself that the girls and I will just do a little bit each day this week and it will be ok.  No one really cares what my house looks like.  Best of all, I managed to make another meal.  It was simple, just soup in bread bowls, but the girls were really grateful.  Kaycee told me she's so happy that I'm starting to make meals again.  Yeah!  I'm happy too.  Only for some reason my oven decided to stop working, just when I was ready to start cooking again!  Oh well, that's a problem for another day.

I am so very exhausted right now and I am hoping to sleep peacefully and deeply.

Ugh

4/26/09

Feeling so blah today.  My stupid mind won't leave me alone.  Two nights now of nightmares.  The first night was full of me in machines and loud noises and cold rooms and me naked on a table with people all around poking at my body.  Won't 33 days of that be fun?  During the day I'm fine with radiation- a bit nervous, but looking forward to starting so I can be done.  At night, all my fears get me while I try to sleep.

Sleep is still weird- I can fall asleep ok, but start waking around 2 and don't really sleep well after that.  My stomach feels better.  Now it feels like I've got a side ache on both sides.  It keeps me walking slow still, but it's better than straight out pain.  I actually had energy to make oatmeal for breakfast- the kind you cook on the stove and add cinnamon and sugar to.  But the kids are in shock at non-packaged food and won't eat it.  Last night I was out of energy and we ate chips, cheese, lunch meat, hummus,  salsa, and grapes for dinner in front of the fire place.  The girls asked me several times, "Is this dinner?"  Hey, I covered most of the food groups, why not call it dinner?  

My plan for next week, or I should say my hope, is to do radiation at the end of the day, then go over to Alton Baker Park each time and walk a bit along the river.  I really, really want to start exercising again.  I saw a woman running the hurdles yesterday at Karina's soccer game and I was filled with envy.  There is no way I could run right now.  It makes me sad.  I asked the doc how long until I'll feel back to my normal self after radiation.  She said that people who just have radiation return to their normal energy level in a few months.  People that have chemo and radiation take about a year.  I blocked that answer out of my mind because it seemed too cruel.  Plus, maybe it will be different for me.  I'll stick to my plan of a good diet, exercise, and whatever the naturopath and acupuncturist can do for me.  I'm trying to talk myself into feeling better, but it's not working so far.

Gratitude

I just now realized that my eyes stopped watering!  They ran and watered and gooped non-stop for weeks and I just now realized that it stopped!  Wow, I've been so miserable this week that I didn't even notice!  Wonder when they stopped.  GRATITUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Radiation

4/24/09

What a day.  I had my appointment with my new doctor, a radiation oncologist.  She was very nice, very smart, and had GREAT people skills- gotta love doctors who've got it all.  I also got a CT scan and got some points marked on my body so the radiation will only go to one certain spot.  They'll tattoo those spots next week.   I spent most of the afternoon there and realized that this is the first day since the surgery that I've started feeling better.  By the end, though, I was ready for a rest and as I type this I'm laying down and my tummy muscles are hurting again.  But, I have more energy and although I'm tired, the chemo fatigue is mostly gone.  

When the doc started talking about side effects, I cringed, remembering all the potential side effects of chemo.  But there were really only three main ones- fatigue, swelling/pain/tenderness in my breast, and red, dry, itchy skin on my breast.  No nausea, no bone aches, no muscle aches, none of the horrid ones from chemo.  She said that most people feel that radiation is much easier than chemo, but that it is still hard.  

Here's the weird part of the visit- I was telling her about how this cancer stuff keeps happening on holidays- 

Wait, I've just been interrupted by Kaycee.  Here's what she had to say, "Whoa, your hair's growing back!  It's soft and it's black and white!"  I guess if Kaycee noticed it, it's really true, it's really growing back!!!!  I don't even care about the "white", I'm just happy to be getting it back.

Ok, so I explained to the doc about the biopsy on Halloween and the first chemo on Christmas Eve and the last chemo on April Fool's Day and I said that radiation would probably end on my birthday just to keep the pattern going.  She said I'll have 33 days of radiation and I'll probably start next week on Tuesday.  My friend who was with me went to a calendar on the wall and counted out 33 weekdays and guess what............the last day is June 12th, my 40th birthday.  Weird, weird, weird.  She also said that she could do two radiations on June 11th if I wanted to not come in on my birthday.  And, she said that there are various reasons why I might miss a day and have to add it onto the end.  So, no guarantees that it'll be on my birthday, but I am celebrating big time anyway.  I never thought I'd be so excited and so looking forward to my 40th birthday!

What feels the best about this is that I have an end date.  I now know when I'll be finished with cancer treatment and ready to mend and rejuvenate my body.  THE END IS REALLY, REALLY IN SIGHT!  I went into the appointment full of dread, for many reasons.  One of which was because I felt like I was starting over- new doctor, new nurses, new treatment.  Now I don't feel like I'm starting over- I feel kind of excited, like I can't wait to begin because the sooner I begin, the sooner I'm done.

Impatient

4/22/09

I am impatient with the slow speed of my recovery from surgery.  I was expecting it to go faster.  Yesterday was hard, I got hit with a huge emotional uncontrollable sobbing thing, right in the middle of picking out cheese at Albertsons.  I had thought that I'd drop the kids at school and go into work for a bit, but I headed back home instead.  The crying was weird- it felt so out of my control and it wasn't related to any specific sadness.  I called the naturopath and she said it was most likely one of my menopause symptoms related to seratonin levels and she gave me something with St. John's Wart and Triptophan (no idea how to spell this- I think it's the stuff in turkey).  I took it and sat in the sun for a while and got to feeling somewhat better.  I had an afternoon of appointments with my counselor and acupuncture, so it was an easy afternoon of laying down and relaxing.  But, by 4:00 I was in a lot of pain and it dawned on me that something might be wrong if I'm getting worse each day rather than better.  I called the doc's office and they started me on anti-biotics.  When I went into Albertsons yesterday evening to get the prescription, the lady told me they were behind and it'd be about 10 minutes.  I embarrassingly started sobbing again!  She looked alarmed and I tried to tell her I was just in pain.  She got my stuff ready in about 2 minutes.  It's interesting how uncomfortable tears in public make people (myself included).  

I went into work this morning for a few hours.  I just couldn't bear the thought of laying in bed all day again today.  I took vicadin, but it doesn't seem to be helping much any more.  It hurt to sit in my chair at my desk, but it felt so good to be out in the world, doing something productive.  And it was so nice to see my lovely co-workers.  I work with the nicest people.  I got caught up a bit, then couldn't stand the pain any more, so I'm back home in bed.  I don't feel too bad, though, because I feel like I at least did a little something today.  I am SO impatient to be able to MOVE again.  Karina had a soccer game last night at the same field where I played all last summer.  It was really hard to sit and watch and to know that there is no way I can play soccer right now.  I know that this is temporary, but I sort of told myself that I'd be better once the weather got better.  At least I love my house and my yard- my own private retreat.  I'm in bed right now, but the window is open and there's a nice breeze blowing and I can smell my pear and plum blossoms.  I woke up at 3:00 this morning to what sounded like a big, heavy person walking around my back yard outside my window.  I looked, and there were 4 lady deer eating the pear blossoms, drinking water, walking through the sand box, and exploring the rose bushes under my window (the deer fence held- they didn't go near the garden!)  They were so pretty and magical to watch.  I'm planning on getting a comfy chaise lounge for the back yard so I can lay back there and relax in the sun.  Ok, I think I'll try for a nap.