Healing

4/21/09

I spent most of the day in bed yesterday.  I believe I'll need more than 4 days to heal from this surgery.  I may have over done it over the weekend (but it was worth it).  I feel fine as long as I'm laying down, but sitting up and walking is tough.  I did get up and move about some because I believe that speeds recovery.  The girls are getting their own breakfasts and lunches again and seem to be doing ok.  They are capable of getting themselves ready in the morning, they just prefer it if I help more.

My fingernail polish was getting chipped so I removed it last night, thinking I would just leave it off.  I was shocked at the condition of my nails! Some of them are yellow, some are black/blue, and some are white and dead looking.  On all of them, I can see a line toward the bottom where new growth is happening, and a little bit of healthy nail coming back.  I cut them as short as I could and I know that the healthy part will keep pushing the sick part up and I'll keep cutting the sick stuff away.  Right now, they are really gross looking.  I'm so glad I've kept polish on them- it would have been devastating to watch them while going through chemo.  It was hard enough seeing it last night.  But, I"VE STILL GOT MY NAILS, and I can just keep them covered in polish till they grow back.  They're hot pink at the moment.

Best news of all is that MY HAIR HAS STARTED TO GROW BACK!!!  It's pretty funny looking-fuzzy and my scalp still shows through and it's black, white, and blond in different patches.  But I don't care- any hair growth at all makes me happy.  I had a dream last night that I was at work and got so hot with my hat on that I just took it off and went without.  I did really get very hot yesterday and went around the house with no head covering.  Not brave enough to do it in public yet, but soon it won't matter!  I'll have a cool, very short, multi-colored new hair do soon enough.

Beautifully Overwhelmed

Where to even begin? What a beautiful weekend, in every sense of the word. I am so emotional right now I feel like a crazy person- I keep going from crying to laughing and both hurt my stomach and make me cry more. I am really, really, peaceful and so amazingly happy right now, although to look at my emotions I'm sure I look just plain crazy. What is going on?! The best I can describe it is like one of those Texas rainstorms I remember from when I lived there. One minute all would be still, the next huge thunderclouds would roll in and then the lightning would start and the winds would pick up and the rain would come pelting down. I had a friend who had a car with a sun roof and we used to like to sit in the car and tilt the seats way back and watch the lightning and the rain from the sun roof. Afterwards I would feel bathed in God's awesome power and beauty and be filled with immense joy at being alive. That's what happened for me this weekend, but the storm came from the amazing people in my life.

First, It was a beautiful, warm, sunny, perfect weekend- very rare and wonderful for an Oregon weekend in April. The weather made the perfect back-drop to the weekend. On Friday I left town for an Alanon retreat at a monastery right on the Mckenzie River. My bed was the bottom bunk next to a window that looked right out over the river. At night I slept with the window open and could hear the rushing river and smell the clean smell of the water. I was nervous about going so soon after surgery, but was feeling not too bad with all the pain killers. Friday evening was nice- there was a great speaker, a great meeting, and a HUGE fire place with a couch right in front that I sat on. I met a bunch of amazing, wise, strong, kind women. I got to talk to several women who have been through similar medical stuff as me, and it gave me such hope.

Saturday morning I woke up after sleeping very well- even in a room full of other women and on a tiny, not soft bunk bed. The river outside my window was the best sleeping pill ever. I had a great breakfast in the company of great women, heard the speaker again, then headed back to Eugene for the afternoon. My writing won't be able to do this next bit justice, but I'm going to try anyway. There was a fundraiser for me that afternoon at Cosmic Pizza. I walked in and was overjoyed to see almost all of my favorite people in the whole world, all in the same place at the same time. There was an amazing, loving, vibrating energy in that place that I absorbed the entire time I was there. The ride into town had left me tired and with very sore, painful tummy muscles, so I thought I'd take it easy while there. And I mostly did, but my pain began to lessen a bunch while I was there and although I was tired, I felt great. Even though I couldn't dance, my spirit was on the dance floor (great music!) I couldn't help but cry from happiness and awe.

I think God was guiding me and protecting me when I decided to move back to Eugene 4 1/2 years ago. I have lived in many, many different cities, and this is the most amazing community I've ever lived in. The people I am surrounded with are so kind, wise, loving, and giving. It inspires me and has left me with this big, neon, blazing message, that actually woke me up from a sound sleep Saturday night- LIFE IS GOOD AND I'M OK. Simple, but profound for me. I actually woke up Saturday night with that blazing thought in my head. I've wondered for a while now if I was going to be ok and what the heck was happening to my out of control life. After being filled with the COSMIC PIZZA EUGENE ENERGY, I feel ok now. The event raised a tremendous amount of money, which hasn't really sunk in for me yet, but which I am so grateful for. It also raised my level of hope higher than it's ever been before.

Ok, I feel like I'm rambling on here and not really expressing myself well- I feel a little self-conscious here, but it's important to me to keep trying to express myself. I went back to the retreat Saturday evening and I would just start to cry when people spoke to me. I wasn't able to explain why, and I think they all just thought I was emotional. I was, but I was also speechless. I got to hear more great things from the speaker and got to attend more amazing meetings with strong women. The speaker had such a hopeful story- she was a tall, beautiful, self-confident woman who had come to the states from Mexico years ago as a teenager by illegally jumping the border fence. She told a story of how she worked on a chicken farm and would hide in the part of the coup that held the chicken crap when immigration officials would come. This woman had literally been through crap so she could make a better life for herself. Her story really inspired me- it is possible to go through really crappy times and come out the other side strong, wise, and self-confident.

Today (Sunday) I ended the retreat by walking a labyrinth with 2 friends. It was in a sunny meadow, surrounded by tall trees and even taller mountains with snow on top. All three of us have been through some crappy times, and yet here we were, walking the labyrinth, filled with hope.

I was riding high on the vibrations of love and hope and thought I could be done with the pain killers. I SO want to be done with all the medication I've been taking. Big mistake. I started feeling a LOT of pain on the drive home and just started sobbing. I quickly took some vicadin (ah vicadin, my old friend) but it takes a while to kick in. D was driving and she just talked me through it. I settled down and we got home and I immediately noticed something different in my back yard. I have been dreaming of having a little table and a chair in my garden so I can sit there on nice mornings with a cup of tea and the sun and meditate on all the growing things. I looked in my garden, and there was a table and a chair! I looked closer and saw that my lawn was all mowed and the third garden bed was put in and filled with dirt, and raspberry plants had been planted, and the peas all popped up over the weekend. I was so tired and in so much pain and had planned on laying down in bed, but instead I hobbled out to my garden and sat in the chair and just cried and cried. It's always hard to go away for the weekend and have a good time and then come back to the old routine of home, and this little surprise made me feel like I left one retreat and came home to another one. Thank you sweet F (the best boyfriend ever) for my sweet garden retreat.

Off to bed now. Good night!

The Surgery

4/17/09

The surgery is over and I'm home recovering.  It went fine and I was much less anxious than during the previous two.  I threw up afterwards, and again on the drive home on the side of the road, and that was the worst of it so far.  My tummy muscles aren't working too well, so sitting up and getting out of bed is tricky.  But, I feel like I'm going to heal quickly.  Funny, I never threw up all during the chemo, but I sure did yesterday.  I HATE throwing up!  Especially on the side of the road.  Ah, well, at least it's over.  I'm home resting now, hanging out with the cats and watching the rain fall and waiting to go to my acupuncture appointment.  More later.

Here Goes!

4/15/09

It's the eve of surgery number three for me.  I'm nervous, but not as much as the last two times.  I did all my pre-op stuff at the hospital today and it was all familiar and boring.  I just hope the whole hospital experience tomorrow goes fast.  I'm looking forward to getting home and getting into my own bed and watching a cool soccer movie I have.  

I'm feeling better about the whole ovary thing.  Chances are I'll have some of the side effects, but not all of them.  I'm committed to having an excellent diet and regular exercise after all this- I think it'll be key to feeling good and handling side effects.  My garden is doing well and is full of yummy greens just waiting to make me healthy.  Two deer were in the back yard yesterday morning grazing on the lawn- they didn't breech the garden fence!  They were so beautiful and peaceful to watch.

My one concern is that I've had a sore throat for the past couple of days, and right now it's really sore.  During anesthesia, a tube is put down my throat and the last times I remember waking up with a sore throat from the tube.  I'm concerned that my throat will be really sore this time.  Isn't it great that this is my biggest concern!

Ok, more after the surgery.

Rested At Last!

4/14/09

I went to sleep AGAIN last night with no sleeping pill!  And, I woke up this morning feeling RESTED and HAPPY!  I can't remember the last time I woke up feeling rested.  It was such a delicious feeling- like I'm getting myself back when I've been away somewhere for a long, long time.  I walked for half and hour this morning and I walked pretty fast for the first 15 minutes and felt like I had some energy.  The last 15 minutes I was tired, but didn't have the muscle aches like before.  I'm getting better, I can feel it!  Just in time for surgery day after tomorrow.  I called the doc today to ask more about my recovery and was told that I shouldn't drive for 4 days because I'll be on pain killers.  I was also told that I'd go into instant menopause and that I might be irritable and have mood swings and night sweats.  I already knew this, but it strikes me as weird that on Wednesday I'll be pre-menopausal and Thursday I'll be post-menopausal.  Talk about instant!  I apologized to my body today for the shock it's about to go through.  I still think it really, really sucks to be losing my ovaries.  I know it's totally unrealistic, but I have this though that on Wed I'll be a young, vibrant woman and on Thur I'll be an old, tired woman. I know it's not true, but that's the thought rattling around in my brain right now.  I'm trying to think of all the woman I know who have gone through menopause.  The women I'm thinking of all have some things in common- wisdom and incredible self-confidence.  Maybe I'll get some of that.  My self-esteem has taken a nose-dive these past few months.  Luckily I had enough to begin with that I could afford to lose a little.  I haven't talked much about my hair lately, but it gets harder and harder to look at myself in the mirror.  I'm bald, my eyes are tired and puffy looking, and I've lost my muscle tone.  Sometimes I just have to look myself in the eye and remind myself that this is all temporary.  I'm checking my head every day to see if there's any new hair growth- it's supposed to start growing back in the next few weeks.  The fuzz I do have seems to be getting a bit longer.  I'm not looking forward to wearing something on my head when the weather gets warm, so it better grow back fast!  I bought myself a pretty sun dress last week just to cheer myself up.  I tried it on in the dressing room and my scars show in it and I looked ridiculous in it bald, but I bought it anyway.  I'm both embarrassed and not by my scars.  It's weird- they look bad, but they tell me how strong and resilient my body is.

I have tried really hard not to google certain things, but I'm just going to google "instant menopause" and see what comes up.

-So much for my happy mood.  I just googled "surgical menopause" and read the first thing I came across-how depressing and scary.  Now I know why I don't google.  

Full Speed Ahead!

4/13/09

I started back to a more normal work schedule last week.  When I started chemo, I was able to change my work duties a bit so that instead of doing home visits with kids and families, I was doing phone screenings.  This was to protect my immune system as much as possible and so that I didn't have to do so much driving while on medication that causes drowsiness.  Last week, I started transitioning back into doing home visits again. I found myself driving to a home visit today, eating a veggie burger from Burger King in the car on the way.  It struck me that this was my old life style- race as fast as possible through the day, eating in the car to save time.  I really, really don't want to start doing that again.  I haven't been as careful about what I've been eating lately- too tired and too busy with work to plan meals.  On a positive note, I was able to cook a meal this past week, rather than just heating up Trader Joe's ready meals.

In spite of work being busy, it feels really, really good to be doing home visits again.  I really love working directly with little kids and parents, on the floor, with the toys and the slobber and the snot and even the family dog.  It's crazy, but fun.  Even though I'm so tired, it feels really good to be doing work that I love and that I'm good at.  And, it's totally absorbing- for the hour that I'm at a home visit, I have an hour that I don't think about cancer.  

Today was one of those Mondays where I woke up and didn't want to get out of bed.  My legs ached and I woke exhausted.  As the day progressed, though, I felt better and now that it's the end of the day, I find that I'm not as achy and tired as I was last week.  The best news of all is that I've had two night's sleep with NO sleeping pills!  I take my herbs and my opium and it seems to be helping- I've been able to fall asleep within an hour.  I wake up a lot, and I am having lots of weird, vivid dreams, but they're not nightmares.  I'm confident that my body will readjust and pretty soon I'll be a normal sleeper again.

My surgery is coming up this week and I'm focusing on the positive- the port-a-cath is coming out!  I haven't much idea of what it'll feel like to have no ovaries.  I know my estrogen level will go way down and the naturopath says that my body could respond in a variety of ways, from little changes to lots of changes.  I've been talking to different women about menopause and I'm not too freaked out about it at this point.  I feel like I'm surrounded by enough wise women that there will be help with any discomfort menopause brings my way.

Back on the Couch

4/10/09

It's 7:00 and I'm back on the couch again for the evening, as I've been every night this week.  The good news is that each day I am a little less fatigued!  It's happening slowly, but I can tell my energy is going to come back.  I hit such a bottom earlier in the week.  I haven't been sleeping well and I wake up exhausted.  I found myself awake still at midnight on Tuesday and just started sobbing out of sheer frustration.  Then I found I couldn't stop.  I was hit full force by the hell cancer has put me through, and the fear of that washed over me.  I think I've been holding the fear at bay, just getting through one day and one chemo at a time.  Now that the chemo is over, the fear found a place to settle.  It was ok to feel it, and it was ok to let it go.  I know it will always be in my mind- will the cancer come back, will each check up be clear, for the rest of my life.  But, I'm not going to let it take me over.  

On Wed I went in for my blood draw and it was fine.  No more shots!!!  But, the nurses took one look at me and said I looked like crap and needed some fluids.  Well, they didn't actually say "crap" but I knew that's what they meant.  My eyes have been running for a few weeks now- a side effect of the chemo (although around here it could also be allergies).  On Wed they were all swollen and red and I did look pretty awful.  I have been drinking a lot of fluids, but still feel like my body is all dried out- another side effect.  I sat in the chemo chair yet again getting fluids.  I was there for an hour and it was pretty relaxing since I was so tired.  I put an ice pack on my eyes and took a little rest.  Afterwards I had a visit with the naturopath.  I explained my level of fatigue to her and she said it sounded like my adrenal gland and my hormones where out of whack, and also that I probably wasn't absorbing certain vitamins.  She gave me some different things to take, along with a sleep remedy.  It is made from poppies, among other things, so I call it my little bottle of opium.  I also have some herbs to take in the evening to calm my racing thoughts.  And, she recommended soaking my nails in vinegar, then dipping them in rubbing alcohol and blowing them dry.  She said the smell is from water getting underneath them and causing organisms to grow.  So, I've been doing the naturopath stuff for a few days now and my nails don't smell as bad and my sleep is better.  Well, when I say better that means that when I finally fall asleep, I stay asleep the whole night and don't have nightmares.  It still takes me hours to fall asleep.  I'm trying so hard to get off the sleeping pills, but ended up taking one when I found myself still awake at 2:00 this morning.  The stuff she gave me for energy seemed to work the first day.  Instead of crashing at 2:00, I've been crashing around 5:00.  After a few hours on the couch, I've got the energy to get up, clean up a bit, and get the girls off to bed.

I have given up soccer for awhile.  There is no way I can be running around a soccer field right now without the steroid boost.  I have decided to start walking and I've walked every day this week, first for 20 minutes and now for 30 minutes.  It feels great to be out walking, but it is exhausting.  My muscle aches make a 20 minute walk feel more like a 10 mile run.  My goal for the next few weeks is to rest as much as possible, but get in one walk a day.

I have an appointment with a radiology cancer doctor on the 24th, a week after my surgery.  She will get me set up for radiation.  I learned that I will be getting that tattoo I've always wanted.  They tattoo little marks on the breast so that they can get the radiation machine lined up correctly each time.  So much for my winding rose vine around my scar tattoo.  I'll have little dots instead, forever.

I was given a book this week, called Cancer Vixen.  It's hilarious.  It's written by a New York woman who is a cartoonist who got breast cancer.  The whole book is her experiences, written in cartoon.  Her life style is WAY different from mine, but I found my self relating to certain experiences.  Like when she goes in with her mom for her first chemo and she gets scared and she draws herself shrinking all the way back down to being a little girl crawling into her mama's lap and she says she wishes she could go back into the womb.  And when she first got the diagnosis she draws herself getting sucked off the planet earth and hurled into a black hole.  She also has a romance going the whole time she's in treatment, and a bunch of friends helping her out, and fun things happen for her, along with the crappy stuff.  Reading this book made me feel more normal than I have in a long time.