1/11/09
It is a beautiful morning. I'm still at the country cottage, surrounded by trees and tranquility. I learned that the money I used to pay for this place (which was given to me by a good friend as a gift), went to help a man with bladder cancer. The owner went to a benefit auction for him and spent the money on items in support of him. It feels good to know that the universe has a way of circulating help around.
I spent about 2 1/2 hours yesterday with my hair stylist. She is a true artist and she was kind enough to come to the cottage to work with me and the wigs. I brought three of them- Farah Faucet, Saucy Red, and French Monique. These are my silly names for them. We decided Farah was a lost cause and F played around with it, looking like a 70's rock star. Saucy Red was very cute, and she cut it just a bit. It's synthetic and very shiny and probably looks a bit fake and smells a bit like plastic. French Monique is real hair and was given to me by my doctor's office, where it had been donated in brand new condition. It was shoulder length, very dark hair. I liked it the best because it is real hair and it feels so soft and nice and so different from the synthetic My hair stylist was able to put in some high lights that lightened it up, and she cut it more to my style and it looks pretty good on. It is way darker than my old blond hair, but probably closer to my original color. I really like it. I wore it around some yesterday to get used to it. F said I looked like a French assassin in it, so I put on some dark lipstick to play up the part, but drew the line at the long cigarette. In the mean time, my hair has been coming out and its very devastating. I'm finding it in the bathtub, on the computer, more and more all over the place. When I pull on it, sometimes 3-4 strands at a time come out, and sometimes nothing. I think it's happening slowly. I still am holding out hope that maybe it will just thin. But, I'm going to try the wig out in public a little bit today just to see how it feels. F will be with me so I won't have to do it alone.
I'm feeling like I'm on the bridge again. The old Krista is on one side, and I'm just starting off across the bridge. No one can walk across with me, but I've got lot's of people all around the bridge, cheering me on. The more I cross the bridge, the more naked, bald, and vulnerable I become. It is so scary and lonely there. I can be there alone, or I can invite God. Sometimes I remember and invite God, and its not so scary then. Sometimes my will gets in the way and I stand alone. The more I cross it, the more naked I become. I have no idea what's on the other side. I know that there will be a new me waiting there, but I don't really know who she will be. I'm sad to lose the old me. Well, I know I'm not losing all of her, but still, it's a scary place to be. I don't really want to take anyone on the bridge with me, because I don't want anyone else to have to go through this. But sometimes I find myself reaching out to the people surrounding me, wishing they could do this for me. Sometimes I envision people underneath the bridge, holding it up for me as I cross.
I made it through the two rough post-chemo days and am feeling quite well, but shaken. It was rough and I don't want to go through it six more times. It really helps knowing that I come out the other side pretty quickly, but it totally sucks when I'm in it and even though I've got a week and a half break, the anticipation of it coming again is awful. Now would be the time to live in the present moment. There is a painting on the wall here in the cottage that says. "Each moment outshines the one before. This is the present moment, make your home here." This will be my focus for the next week and a half- fully embrace and enjoy each moment in each day and fully appreciate and give thanks for each bite of food that tastes good, each time I can go for a walk, each moment that I'm feeling good. I'll figure out a way to get through the next rough patch. And I'll be sure to invite God along.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Moon Miracle
1/10/09
I think I'm past the ick. I hope I hope. I'm not out of bed yet, but I woke up a few hours ago and felt compelled to look out my window. The full moon was shining through some clouds, right into my window. It was like a sunset in reverse. Amazingly lovely. It felt like God was peeking in my window while I slept, smoothing the worry and discomfort away with a giant, loving hand. I got up and had a yogurt, and it tasted good. No big discomforts as of right now.
I had another session of acupuncture yesterday, and I understand it takes till the next day to feel the effects. I'm having Reiki done this morning, and I'm going to be staying at a cute little farm cottage just outside of town. I meant to stay last night, but didn't have the energy to get there. I feel bad about missing out on a night, but I think it was important that I stay here last night till I was feeling better. D stayed the night and kept me company and fed me a protein shake. F stopped by and just held me and talked to me for awhile.
I had a good cry last night. For my hair, for me, for this whole mess. I am scared about taking care of the girls on my chemo weeks. I think I learned this week that it would be better for them to have a sleep over on day two and maybe three after the chemo. They were gone last night and it was so much easier just having myself to focus on. I'll have to arrange it next time. It means asking for more help, but its what I need. I think I also need someone here to keep me company and to help make sure I eat something. Its hard and sad to be alone when I'm feeling so bad. Last night I kept trying to eat, but making my own food was grossing me out. I did get a few bites, but it was much easier with D here to help and to sit with me while I drank the shake.
I'll get the last shot this morning. I'm hoping there won't be any bad affects. Its a beautiful, amazing morning right now. I'd like to get up and participate in it.
I think I'm past the ick. I hope I hope. I'm not out of bed yet, but I woke up a few hours ago and felt compelled to look out my window. The full moon was shining through some clouds, right into my window. It was like a sunset in reverse. Amazingly lovely. It felt like God was peeking in my window while I slept, smoothing the worry and discomfort away with a giant, loving hand. I got up and had a yogurt, and it tasted good. No big discomforts as of right now.
I had another session of acupuncture yesterday, and I understand it takes till the next day to feel the effects. I'm having Reiki done this morning, and I'm going to be staying at a cute little farm cottage just outside of town. I meant to stay last night, but didn't have the energy to get there. I feel bad about missing out on a night, but I think it was important that I stay here last night till I was feeling better. D stayed the night and kept me company and fed me a protein shake. F stopped by and just held me and talked to me for awhile.
I had a good cry last night. For my hair, for me, for this whole mess. I am scared about taking care of the girls on my chemo weeks. I think I learned this week that it would be better for them to have a sleep over on day two and maybe three after the chemo. They were gone last night and it was so much easier just having myself to focus on. I'll have to arrange it next time. It means asking for more help, but its what I need. I think I also need someone here to keep me company and to help make sure I eat something. Its hard and sad to be alone when I'm feeling so bad. Last night I kept trying to eat, but making my own food was grossing me out. I did get a few bites, but it was much easier with D here to help and to sit with me while I drank the shake.
I'll get the last shot this morning. I'm hoping there won't be any bad affects. Its a beautiful, amazing morning right now. I'd like to get up and participate in it.
Friday, January 9, 2009
More Ick
1/9/09
Hello world, this is D typing for Krista. I need to write about the bad days so I can appreciate the good days when they come. I need to remember that the bad times come and go; I am in the middle of a bad time right now. I am trying to remember that they don't last forever. Just waiting for the Ativan to kick in. The bad, no appetite - but I am hungry, feels like I have a rock in my stomach. Tired but to anxious to sleep. Can't get comfortable. Achy body, swollen arm, scared about my hair, to many yucky wigs. Just feeling stuck. Grateful for D & F who keep me company and keep my spirits up and appreciate the phone messages that I have not had the energy to return. I am getting them and they mean a lot.
Hello world, this is D typing for Krista. I need to write about the bad days so I can appreciate the good days when they come. I need to remember that the bad times come and go; I am in the middle of a bad time right now. I am trying to remember that they don't last forever. Just waiting for the Ativan to kick in. The bad, no appetite - but I am hungry, feels like I have a rock in my stomach. Tired but to anxious to sleep. Can't get comfortable. Achy body, swollen arm, scared about my hair, to many yucky wigs. Just feeling stuck. Grateful for D & F who keep me company and keep my spirits up and appreciate the phone messages that I have not had the energy to return. I am getting them and they mean a lot.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
A Hard Night
1/8/09
Nothing is working tonight for the nausea and discomfort. Arghh I feel gross gross gross. Can't wait till the girls are in bed so I can be too. I'm trying drug number three tonight. Hopefully it will help. I makes me sleep, so I've got to wait till the girls are asleep. St. D came over to help and may sleep over. Thank God for good friends. She also came at midnight one night with cranberry juice when I needed it. So much help. I brought my wig in to the original shop, and the lady agreed that it doesn't look so good. She's getting me a new one, for free. It will be shorter and sassier, according to her. That will be good. Gotta go for now.
Nothing is working tonight for the nausea and discomfort. Arghh I feel gross gross gross. Can't wait till the girls are in bed so I can be too. I'm trying drug number three tonight. Hopefully it will help. I makes me sleep, so I've got to wait till the girls are asleep. St. D came over to help and may sleep over. Thank God for good friends. She also came at midnight one night with cranberry juice when I needed it. So much help. I brought my wig in to the original shop, and the lady agreed that it doesn't look so good. She's getting me a new one, for free. It will be shorter and sassier, according to her. That will be good. Gotta go for now.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Second Round
1/7/09
I am sitting here in the recliner in my doctor’s center, with a needle in the port in my heart. This is my second round of chemo. The chemo is not in yet, but will be soon. First I get some anti-nausea stuff pumped in, then some steroids. Then, we take a little break so Nurse Rugby can play the crystal bowl. Then comes chemo one, then chemo two. Two together this time.
I have had a great week with lots of energy and a great appetite. I had a great mind body class last night, with a focus on what an amazing entity our bodies are. I am reminded that our bodies can take a huge beating and recover. I am not looking forward to returning to the place where I was after the last chemo- grossed out by food, tired, uncomfortable in my body. I went on a walk this morning while waiting for my ride, and I remembered my tree vision in the MRI machine. I reminded myself that today (and maybe for a few days) is my time for rest. Last week was my time for energy. My energy will come back again after my rest. My appetite will come back again too.
I still have my hair today. I’m sure its days are limited. I had a dream last night that I was pulling it out in hunks, but when I checked this morning it was still there. I’m looking at some more wigs on Friday. I got a great new hat yesterday- a very jaunty one.
Some great things happened last week. I was looking at my vision board, and I realized that things are coming true from it! There is a picture of me playing soccer on it, and I got to play soccer on Sunday. “Comfy couch” is on there, and I found a great couch on Craig’s list. The seller came down in price for me, and said he’d deliver it for free as soon as the weather clears up. It was very easy. I can’t wait to lie on it and just sink into it. I got a scholarship for both the warm water pool and water classes at Tamarack, and for the yoga classes. I still needed a place with a sauna, so I thought of the YMCA. I knew that they did their scholarships in October, but I decided to ask anyway. I went in and I was wearing one of my hats and feeling kind of self-conscious. I got a gruff guy at the desk and when he asked why I wanted a scholarship, I was so uncomfortable. I told him that I had had a recent serious medical diagnosis and I needed a sauna. I was sure he was going to say “no”, but instead he asked me how much could I pay per month. I had no idea what I could afford, but “$25.00” came out of my mouth and he said ok and that I could have a family scholarship so my kids could come too. Wow, it was so easy! He turned out to really be a nice guy just pretending to be gruff. So, things are falling into place for me just as needed.
I am still needing to take some “leaps of faith” in some areas of my life. I am so scared about money. I am amazed at how quickly it goes with me doing all the ----------------------------------------------
Ok, the chemo is now in. Nurse Rugby did a beautiful singing bowl time, and I held the chemo bag again with my smoky quartz up next to it. In class last night the teacher talked about one woman who imagined chemo as being like nectar because she knew it was making her better. The red koolaid chemo does look like humming bird nectar, so I’m going to start thinking of it that way too.
So, the money goes quickly with the co-pays for the acupuncture, massage, chiropractor, and all the vitamins and good food. I’m trying to figure how how to make it last and how to not take too much time off work. I can get really caught up in the worry of all that. So, I’ve been making a conscious effort to pray and to ask God to take care of it and to trust completely that it will be taken care of as easily as everything else. For some reason I can have faith in many areas, but the area of money is a hard one.
I was given a cd to listen to during chemo, specifically about relaxing during chemo, so time to be done writing so I can listen to that. And, I brought along a romantic comedy to watch. I am in need of some more light hearted romantic comedies, so if anyone has any to loan, I’d be grateful!
I am sitting here in the recliner in my doctor’s center, with a needle in the port in my heart. This is my second round of chemo. The chemo is not in yet, but will be soon. First I get some anti-nausea stuff pumped in, then some steroids. Then, we take a little break so Nurse Rugby can play the crystal bowl. Then comes chemo one, then chemo two. Two together this time.
I have had a great week with lots of energy and a great appetite. I had a great mind body class last night, with a focus on what an amazing entity our bodies are. I am reminded that our bodies can take a huge beating and recover. I am not looking forward to returning to the place where I was after the last chemo- grossed out by food, tired, uncomfortable in my body. I went on a walk this morning while waiting for my ride, and I remembered my tree vision in the MRI machine. I reminded myself that today (and maybe for a few days) is my time for rest. Last week was my time for energy. My energy will come back again after my rest. My appetite will come back again too.
I still have my hair today. I’m sure its days are limited. I had a dream last night that I was pulling it out in hunks, but when I checked this morning it was still there. I’m looking at some more wigs on Friday. I got a great new hat yesterday- a very jaunty one.
Some great things happened last week. I was looking at my vision board, and I realized that things are coming true from it! There is a picture of me playing soccer on it, and I got to play soccer on Sunday. “Comfy couch” is on there, and I found a great couch on Craig’s list. The seller came down in price for me, and said he’d deliver it for free as soon as the weather clears up. It was very easy. I can’t wait to lie on it and just sink into it. I got a scholarship for both the warm water pool and water classes at Tamarack, and for the yoga classes. I still needed a place with a sauna, so I thought of the YMCA. I knew that they did their scholarships in October, but I decided to ask anyway. I went in and I was wearing one of my hats and feeling kind of self-conscious. I got a gruff guy at the desk and when he asked why I wanted a scholarship, I was so uncomfortable. I told him that I had had a recent serious medical diagnosis and I needed a sauna. I was sure he was going to say “no”, but instead he asked me how much could I pay per month. I had no idea what I could afford, but “$25.00” came out of my mouth and he said ok and that I could have a family scholarship so my kids could come too. Wow, it was so easy! He turned out to really be a nice guy just pretending to be gruff. So, things are falling into place for me just as needed.
I am still needing to take some “leaps of faith” in some areas of my life. I am so scared about money. I am amazed at how quickly it goes with me doing all the ----------------------------------------------
Ok, the chemo is now in. Nurse Rugby did a beautiful singing bowl time, and I held the chemo bag again with my smoky quartz up next to it. In class last night the teacher talked about one woman who imagined chemo as being like nectar because she knew it was making her better. The red koolaid chemo does look like humming bird nectar, so I’m going to start thinking of it that way too.
So, the money goes quickly with the co-pays for the acupuncture, massage, chiropractor, and all the vitamins and good food. I’m trying to figure how how to make it last and how to not take too much time off work. I can get really caught up in the worry of all that. So, I’ve been making a conscious effort to pray and to ask God to take care of it and to trust completely that it will be taken care of as easily as everything else. For some reason I can have faith in many areas, but the area of money is a hard one.
I was given a cd to listen to during chemo, specifically about relaxing during chemo, so time to be done writing so I can listen to that. And, I brought along a romantic comedy to watch. I am in need of some more light hearted romantic comedies, so if anyone has any to loan, I’d be grateful!
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Soccer Day!!! and Wise Men
1/4/08
Ok, this is really two different postings, but it's late so I'm combing them. Most exiting first: I PLAYED SOCCER TODAY!!!!!!!!!!
I was feeling so good again yesterday and I had an email about a game today, so I replied and said I'd play. Of course I immediately had doubts. But I also felt this stubborn streak inside me- the part of me that REALLY wanted to be able to play. I figured I could just sub out if it wasn't working, and at least I'd get to sit in the box with my team and watch the game. Yesterday was such a beautiful, clear, sunny (but cold) day. It was a refreshing break from all the rain. The girls and I had a great swim in the warm water salt pool at Tamarack, then visited with a friend, then indulged at Sweet Life, then went ROLLER BLADING along the river to the River Play Park. I went on my roller blades, and they tried out their new Christmas scooters. This was my first real exercise since September, aside from the slow walking I've been doing. My muscles felt like jelly, but it was so beautiful and so nice to be outside, full of energy, with my kids, that I did just fine. I was afraid of falling, and there was a lot of debris on the path, but I prayed and was very careful and I didn't fall. I had a few hours of feeling like my old self again, and the girls and I got to connect and bond in a way that we haven't been able to do since before my surgeries. I have always known that our relationship is special, but I was reminded and reinforced about how special it is that I have them. I was so very tired last night, but still having trouble getting to sleep and staying asleep sleep.
This morning I went to my soccer game and what an experience that was, on different levels. As far as the physical activity of playing soccer, it was wonderful. I worked up a good, long sweat that felt great. I've been told that it's important for me to sweat every day as it will do a good job of getting the chemo toxins out of my body. It's been recommended that I get into a sauna every day for 30 minutes. The only way to do this is to join a gym, and that has been out of my reach for now. So, I haven't been sweating. But today I sure did. My muscles turned to rubber in the first 5 minutes and I was shaking all over, so I subbed out pretty quickly. But I got right back in and the muscles settled down and I was able to play for longer stretches at time. My boob was very sore immediately when I began to run, so I mostly sort of shuffled along and when I did run, I just tried to hold onto it with my arm. It may have looked strange, but oddly enough, I was so happy to be there, I didn't care at all how I looked. It was a very freeing feeling. I also was very nervous when I was in close proximity to people fighting for the ball. Each time that happened, I sort of crossed my arms over my breasts and it was ok. I had a chance at a goal at the very end, but then the game was over. It's amazing how this experience has made every aspect of my life exquisitely sweet. I love soccer more than ever now. Again, I got to feel a tiny glimpse of my old self today. My acupuncturist has told me to save 20% or so of my energy reserves for healing, so as hard as it was, I did hold back and not play as hard as I maybe could have.
The other piece about the soccer experience had to do with my hair, and the bigger lesson that goes along with my hair deal. It's obviously very, very much shorter now than it was before. So far, I've only been around people who know about the cancer, or out in public amongst strangers. The strangers don't give me a second glance, as they don't know what I looked like before. The people who know me have been very kind and said nice things about my hair (thank you, kind people!). In spite of all this, a part of me does feel quite self-conscious about it. When I look in the mirror, sometimes I look like a scared 20 year old and I don't see the 39 year old, confident me. It freaks me out a bit. Anyway, I played at the indoor place today, and it was packed. My team mates who know what's going on with me were very kind and supportive and happy to see me and kind about my hair. A lot of the people who were in the building were people who I know casually from the past 4 years of playing soccer in the community. They don't know what's going on with me and haven't seen me since October when I stopped playing. I got some surprised (and maybe horrified?) stares and some barely polite comments about my hair. I didn't really know how to respond. I'm certainly not going to drop the cancer bomb on a casual acquaintance as I'm engaged in a quick exchange. What I ended up saying was, "I didn't have a lot of choice with my hair and there is a story behind it. Nice to see you again, gotta go!" I'm confused about what to do when I'm bald. After today, I don't think there's any way I can wear a wig when I'm playing soccer. It would be way too hot and sweaty and itchy and I'd be so afraid of it falling off. I thought I could just wear a hat, but it will be pretty obvious that I'm bald. What kind of comments will I be getting then from those casual acquaintances then? Or, if I did wear the wig, how would I explain the sudden hair growth? I think my big lesson here is more about letting go. I can't control what's going to happen to my hair, and I can't control people's comments, but I can control my response. I can just come up with a short phrase again. How about, "Yeah, I'm bald. I lost my hair during chemo. Nice to see you again, gotta go!" Ah shit, why does this have to be so hard?
Speaking of the wig, the girls tell me it looks like a mullet. They are right. Its pretty big and fluffy on the top and it looks weird. I thought it was ok in the shop, but at home it looks weird. I'm taking it back in sometime this week to see what can be done. I'm kind of scared to go back to work this week. My co-workers are fine, but all the people I work with in the community I will have to face. How will I explain very short, dark hair, with specks of grey one day, then shoulder length blonde hair the next? How many different times, and to how many different people, will I have to explain to and tell? And then I have to keep asking people to let me know if they are sick or not before I can see them. I'm not supposed to be around any sick people. And I need to get a sign up on my door asking people to wash their hands when they come inside. Ah, this sucks. It is so hard and stressful for me to tell new people, especially people I don't know really well, about the cancer in a quick, upbeat sort of way. I've enjoyed my nurturing time off, and now it's time to go back out into the big world. Yikes!
Ok, here's the wise man part. I realized that I've written a lot about the wise women in my life, but not really at all about the wise men. I actually have had quite a few male helpers. Men help in such a different way, but it is important to note that it is incredibly smart and wise the way they do it. It is like the wise women are my inner circle, surrounding me in nurturing love. The men are more like an outer circle, doing the things that need to be done so that I am freed up to be nurtured by the women. Here are a few of the things the men have done for me, sparing me of using my energy to do them myself:
Take my garbage to the curb and back again every week, mow my lawn, rake leaves, deal with my mess of a garden, install Karina's basketball hoop, fix my dishwasher, fix my broken drawers, give me hats, send me emails, pray for me, write a really cool article about me, wrap Christmas presents, organize Christmas for the girls and I, put up Christmas lights, carry heavy stuff for me, buy me groceries, bring me huge bags of Costco quick foods, make great cd's for me, leave chocolate smily faces where I will find them, cook dinners for me, light candles for me and send me positive, healing thoughts.
The men are more silent, but I can feel their positive, healing energy too, in a different way from the women. It creates a nice balance for me and for the universe. F is unique in that he has attributes of both the Wise Man and the Wise Woman- perfectly balanced all in one person. He is there in both circles. Right at this moment, in spite of the hair dilemma, I consider myself very, very, very lucky and loved.
Ok, this is really two different postings, but it's late so I'm combing them. Most exiting first: I PLAYED SOCCER TODAY!!!!!!!!!!
I was feeling so good again yesterday and I had an email about a game today, so I replied and said I'd play. Of course I immediately had doubts. But I also felt this stubborn streak inside me- the part of me that REALLY wanted to be able to play. I figured I could just sub out if it wasn't working, and at least I'd get to sit in the box with my team and watch the game. Yesterday was such a beautiful, clear, sunny (but cold) day. It was a refreshing break from all the rain. The girls and I had a great swim in the warm water salt pool at Tamarack, then visited with a friend, then indulged at Sweet Life, then went ROLLER BLADING along the river to the River Play Park. I went on my roller blades, and they tried out their new Christmas scooters. This was my first real exercise since September, aside from the slow walking I've been doing. My muscles felt like jelly, but it was so beautiful and so nice to be outside, full of energy, with my kids, that I did just fine. I was afraid of falling, and there was a lot of debris on the path, but I prayed and was very careful and I didn't fall. I had a few hours of feeling like my old self again, and the girls and I got to connect and bond in a way that we haven't been able to do since before my surgeries. I have always known that our relationship is special, but I was reminded and reinforced about how special it is that I have them. I was so very tired last night, but still having trouble getting to sleep and staying asleep sleep.
This morning I went to my soccer game and what an experience that was, on different levels. As far as the physical activity of playing soccer, it was wonderful. I worked up a good, long sweat that felt great. I've been told that it's important for me to sweat every day as it will do a good job of getting the chemo toxins out of my body. It's been recommended that I get into a sauna every day for 30 minutes. The only way to do this is to join a gym, and that has been out of my reach for now. So, I haven't been sweating. But today I sure did. My muscles turned to rubber in the first 5 minutes and I was shaking all over, so I subbed out pretty quickly. But I got right back in and the muscles settled down and I was able to play for longer stretches at time. My boob was very sore immediately when I began to run, so I mostly sort of shuffled along and when I did run, I just tried to hold onto it with my arm. It may have looked strange, but oddly enough, I was so happy to be there, I didn't care at all how I looked. It was a very freeing feeling. I also was very nervous when I was in close proximity to people fighting for the ball. Each time that happened, I sort of crossed my arms over my breasts and it was ok. I had a chance at a goal at the very end, but then the game was over. It's amazing how this experience has made every aspect of my life exquisitely sweet. I love soccer more than ever now. Again, I got to feel a tiny glimpse of my old self today. My acupuncturist has told me to save 20% or so of my energy reserves for healing, so as hard as it was, I did hold back and not play as hard as I maybe could have.
The other piece about the soccer experience had to do with my hair, and the bigger lesson that goes along with my hair deal. It's obviously very, very much shorter now than it was before. So far, I've only been around people who know about the cancer, or out in public amongst strangers. The strangers don't give me a second glance, as they don't know what I looked like before. The people who know me have been very kind and said nice things about my hair (thank you, kind people!). In spite of all this, a part of me does feel quite self-conscious about it. When I look in the mirror, sometimes I look like a scared 20 year old and I don't see the 39 year old, confident me. It freaks me out a bit. Anyway, I played at the indoor place today, and it was packed. My team mates who know what's going on with me were very kind and supportive and happy to see me and kind about my hair. A lot of the people who were in the building were people who I know casually from the past 4 years of playing soccer in the community. They don't know what's going on with me and haven't seen me since October when I stopped playing. I got some surprised (and maybe horrified?) stares and some barely polite comments about my hair. I didn't really know how to respond. I'm certainly not going to drop the cancer bomb on a casual acquaintance as I'm engaged in a quick exchange. What I ended up saying was, "I didn't have a lot of choice with my hair and there is a story behind it. Nice to see you again, gotta go!" I'm confused about what to do when I'm bald. After today, I don't think there's any way I can wear a wig when I'm playing soccer. It would be way too hot and sweaty and itchy and I'd be so afraid of it falling off. I thought I could just wear a hat, but it will be pretty obvious that I'm bald. What kind of comments will I be getting then from those casual acquaintances then? Or, if I did wear the wig, how would I explain the sudden hair growth? I think my big lesson here is more about letting go. I can't control what's going to happen to my hair, and I can't control people's comments, but I can control my response. I can just come up with a short phrase again. How about, "Yeah, I'm bald. I lost my hair during chemo. Nice to see you again, gotta go!" Ah shit, why does this have to be so hard?
Speaking of the wig, the girls tell me it looks like a mullet. They are right. Its pretty big and fluffy on the top and it looks weird. I thought it was ok in the shop, but at home it looks weird. I'm taking it back in sometime this week to see what can be done. I'm kind of scared to go back to work this week. My co-workers are fine, but all the people I work with in the community I will have to face. How will I explain very short, dark hair, with specks of grey one day, then shoulder length blonde hair the next? How many different times, and to how many different people, will I have to explain to and tell? And then I have to keep asking people to let me know if they are sick or not before I can see them. I'm not supposed to be around any sick people. And I need to get a sign up on my door asking people to wash their hands when they come inside. Ah, this sucks. It is so hard and stressful for me to tell new people, especially people I don't know really well, about the cancer in a quick, upbeat sort of way. I've enjoyed my nurturing time off, and now it's time to go back out into the big world. Yikes!
Ok, here's the wise man part. I realized that I've written a lot about the wise women in my life, but not really at all about the wise men. I actually have had quite a few male helpers. Men help in such a different way, but it is important to note that it is incredibly smart and wise the way they do it. It is like the wise women are my inner circle, surrounding me in nurturing love. The men are more like an outer circle, doing the things that need to be done so that I am freed up to be nurtured by the women. Here are a few of the things the men have done for me, sparing me of using my energy to do them myself:
Take my garbage to the curb and back again every week, mow my lawn, rake leaves, deal with my mess of a garden, install Karina's basketball hoop, fix my dishwasher, fix my broken drawers, give me hats, send me emails, pray for me, write a really cool article about me, wrap Christmas presents, organize Christmas for the girls and I, put up Christmas lights, carry heavy stuff for me, buy me groceries, bring me huge bags of Costco quick foods, make great cd's for me, leave chocolate smily faces where I will find them, cook dinners for me, light candles for me and send me positive, healing thoughts.
The men are more silent, but I can feel their positive, healing energy too, in a different way from the women. It creates a nice balance for me and for the universe. F is unique in that he has attributes of both the Wise Man and the Wise Woman- perfectly balanced all in one person. He is there in both circles. Right at this moment, in spite of the hair dilemma, I consider myself very, very, very lucky and loved.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
January First, 2009!
What a great first day of the year! I FEEL GREAT TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I haven't felt this good since this all began. I was able to eat today, very yummy, healthy foods. I did not need a nap today. My arm felt way, way better today and I had significantly increased range of motion. I had NO nausea medicine today. I had NO medication of any kind today! Not even tylenol! I feel tired and good enough that I'm going to attempt sleep without a sleeping pill!
Ok, ok, enough of the exclamation marks. Part of me wants to just sit back and bask in the glory of well being and be totally grateful and that's enough. But, the other part of me needs to analyze it so I can come back and re-create it later if need be. So, here goes:
Yesterday was a low for me. I've been feeling so terribly uncomfortable in my body that I can't be in one position for very long. My couch totally sucks and I haven't been able to sit on it. It's the only piece of furniture I have, so I've just been spending lot's of time in my bed, which is very comfortable. As I type this, I'm sitting ON MY COUCH! So, as I wrote before, I did the acupuncture/reiki yesterday. The acupuncturist also put an acacia seed in my ear, held in place by a tiny bandage looking thing, and left it there. It's still there. It's either for nausea or insomnia, or maybe something else, I can't remember. But, for some reason, I think it's a big part of how I feel today. The acupuncture went much better this time, although I was uncomfortable on the table, from being in one position for so long. Last night, I was so tired of my arm hurting that I got on my knees and prayed to God for some relief. I was taught by a wise woman that physically being on my knees is an important part of this type of prayer. I also put in another prayer request for myself, specifically about my arm and feeling good during chemo. I put some arnica gel all over my arm. I was still pretty agitated last night, so I took a sleeping pill and slept sort of ok. Karina woke us all up after midnight to yell "Happy New Year" and have a grapefruit juice toast. In the morning, I woke up to the sound of wind and rain. I opened my window wide and shifted around in my bed so I could see a huge pine tree out my back window. I watched it for about an hour and it was dancing in the wind and I could hear the swishing sound of its branches. It was indescribably beautiful. At my last mind/body class, we meditated on a beautiful place, and I put myself in my hammock in my backyard, with a view of this tree. So this morning was almost like living my meditation. As I was laying on the bed, I stretched both arms up over my head. BOTH ARMS! The right arm didn't go all the way up, but it went way, way farther than it has before. I discovered that I could do some stretching exercises on the bed with the mattress bearing the weight of my arm. I got up and slowly as the day went on, I felt better and better.
One of my wise women friends came by and brought me the most delicious salad for lunch. It was the first time in a while that food tasted really, really good to me. I had enough energy to go shopping with her and we got some cast iron pans and a crock pot and a new blender (the cats, or kids? broke my old one). I've been advised to use only cast iron or stainless steel to cook in, so I got rid of my old frying pans. I've also been advised to increase my iron with beef, leafy greens, and blackstrap molasses. My friend dropped me at home and went to the store and bought all the ingredients for me to make a beef stew in the crock pot tomorrow. She also cooked up a whole batch of red chard. I can't stand cooked leafy greens, so I only let her cook them up to be polite, and a bit out of curiosity because she said they'd taste good. The smell was so good, not like what I'm used to cooked greens smelling like. I ate some and they were GREAT! I ended up having a small bowl full. She also made the most amazing drink. In a jar she mixed fresh grated ginger, molasses, and honey. I put a spoonful in a cup and added hot water to make a tea. It is SO GOOD and seems to help the nausea. We talked about how in past times, if a person in a community got sick, everyone else just pitched in what they knew to do to help the person get well. I am so very fortunate that this is what is happening for me here in my community. I am well aware that it is unique and special.
Another wise woman came by later and brought an amazing tea that she made herself of different herbs. She told me what they were, and what they were for, but I can't recall. I do know that when I drank it, my mouth felt vibrant and alive and kind of zingy. I had a few more cups throughout the day. She also did some reiki with me and spent the afternoon talking and she is such a healing, calm presence that I felt great after she left. A third wise woman came by with the best southern food ever- black-eyed peas, home made corn bread, and ham. Delicious! Maybe a part of my healing is just being in the presence of wise, nurturing women.
The girls had a play date bowling today and were so happy and carefree when they got home. I felt good enough to sit up in a chair and eat with them and even read to them. We're reading a great fairy book at the moment. Then, they're favorite babysitter came and I got to go out on a real date with F! We had an amazing dinner at a Wok restaurant and I ate beef for the first time in a long time. Once I started eating it, I realized that I was craving it. I remembered that when I was pregnant, I craved red meat too. After dinner we went for a walk in the rain and got freezing cold. Then we jumped into the hot tubs at Onsen's and the same magic happened as before. I was instantly immersed in healing warmth and my arm felt so great. It was windy and we could see tall trees blowing above us and feel the cold rain falling down. F gave me the nicest massage and I realized that my whole right side has been all crunched up and tight and contorted for the past month or so. The massage was heavenly and I was feeling so good and we ended up just laughing and laughing for an hour. I smiled so much that my face is almost as sore as my arm is from all this typing! I get it about laughter and humor being a good healing medicine.
Once the girls were in bed for the evening, I had a root beer float and it just topped off the evening. My arm is now really sore, and I don't want to push it too much after today, so that's all for now. I go in tomorrow for another shot (I did not need one today since my white blood cells were plenty high enough- yeah!) The nurses have encouraged me to bring the girls in so they can meet them and so the girls can get to know them a bit, so we will do that together and hopefully I'll be having another great day and we'll get to have a fun day together!
What a great first day of the year! I FEEL GREAT TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I haven't felt this good since this all began. I was able to eat today, very yummy, healthy foods. I did not need a nap today. My arm felt way, way better today and I had significantly increased range of motion. I had NO nausea medicine today. I had NO medication of any kind today! Not even tylenol! I feel tired and good enough that I'm going to attempt sleep without a sleeping pill!
Ok, ok, enough of the exclamation marks. Part of me wants to just sit back and bask in the glory of well being and be totally grateful and that's enough. But, the other part of me needs to analyze it so I can come back and re-create it later if need be. So, here goes:
Yesterday was a low for me. I've been feeling so terribly uncomfortable in my body that I can't be in one position for very long. My couch totally sucks and I haven't been able to sit on it. It's the only piece of furniture I have, so I've just been spending lot's of time in my bed, which is very comfortable. As I type this, I'm sitting ON MY COUCH! So, as I wrote before, I did the acupuncture/reiki yesterday. The acupuncturist also put an acacia seed in my ear, held in place by a tiny bandage looking thing, and left it there. It's still there. It's either for nausea or insomnia, or maybe something else, I can't remember. But, for some reason, I think it's a big part of how I feel today. The acupuncture went much better this time, although I was uncomfortable on the table, from being in one position for so long. Last night, I was so tired of my arm hurting that I got on my knees and prayed to God for some relief. I was taught by a wise woman that physically being on my knees is an important part of this type of prayer. I also put in another prayer request for myself, specifically about my arm and feeling good during chemo. I put some arnica gel all over my arm. I was still pretty agitated last night, so I took a sleeping pill and slept sort of ok. Karina woke us all up after midnight to yell "Happy New Year" and have a grapefruit juice toast. In the morning, I woke up to the sound of wind and rain. I opened my window wide and shifted around in my bed so I could see a huge pine tree out my back window. I watched it for about an hour and it was dancing in the wind and I could hear the swishing sound of its branches. It was indescribably beautiful. At my last mind/body class, we meditated on a beautiful place, and I put myself in my hammock in my backyard, with a view of this tree. So this morning was almost like living my meditation. As I was laying on the bed, I stretched both arms up over my head. BOTH ARMS! The right arm didn't go all the way up, but it went way, way farther than it has before. I discovered that I could do some stretching exercises on the bed with the mattress bearing the weight of my arm. I got up and slowly as the day went on, I felt better and better.
One of my wise women friends came by and brought me the most delicious salad for lunch. It was the first time in a while that food tasted really, really good to me. I had enough energy to go shopping with her and we got some cast iron pans and a crock pot and a new blender (the cats, or kids? broke my old one). I've been advised to use only cast iron or stainless steel to cook in, so I got rid of my old frying pans. I've also been advised to increase my iron with beef, leafy greens, and blackstrap molasses. My friend dropped me at home and went to the store and bought all the ingredients for me to make a beef stew in the crock pot tomorrow. She also cooked up a whole batch of red chard. I can't stand cooked leafy greens, so I only let her cook them up to be polite, and a bit out of curiosity because she said they'd taste good. The smell was so good, not like what I'm used to cooked greens smelling like. I ate some and they were GREAT! I ended up having a small bowl full. She also made the most amazing drink. In a jar she mixed fresh grated ginger, molasses, and honey. I put a spoonful in a cup and added hot water to make a tea. It is SO GOOD and seems to help the nausea. We talked about how in past times, if a person in a community got sick, everyone else just pitched in what they knew to do to help the person get well. I am so very fortunate that this is what is happening for me here in my community. I am well aware that it is unique and special.
Another wise woman came by later and brought an amazing tea that she made herself of different herbs. She told me what they were, and what they were for, but I can't recall. I do know that when I drank it, my mouth felt vibrant and alive and kind of zingy. I had a few more cups throughout the day. She also did some reiki with me and spent the afternoon talking and she is such a healing, calm presence that I felt great after she left. A third wise woman came by with the best southern food ever- black-eyed peas, home made corn bread, and ham. Delicious! Maybe a part of my healing is just being in the presence of wise, nurturing women.
The girls had a play date bowling today and were so happy and carefree when they got home. I felt good enough to sit up in a chair and eat with them and even read to them. We're reading a great fairy book at the moment. Then, they're favorite babysitter came and I got to go out on a real date with F! We had an amazing dinner at a Wok restaurant and I ate beef for the first time in a long time. Once I started eating it, I realized that I was craving it. I remembered that when I was pregnant, I craved red meat too. After dinner we went for a walk in the rain and got freezing cold. Then we jumped into the hot tubs at Onsen's and the same magic happened as before. I was instantly immersed in healing warmth and my arm felt so great. It was windy and we could see tall trees blowing above us and feel the cold rain falling down. F gave me the nicest massage and I realized that my whole right side has been all crunched up and tight and contorted for the past month or so. The massage was heavenly and I was feeling so good and we ended up just laughing and laughing for an hour. I smiled so much that my face is almost as sore as my arm is from all this typing! I get it about laughter and humor being a good healing medicine.
Once the girls were in bed for the evening, I had a root beer float and it just topped off the evening. My arm is now really sore, and I don't want to push it too much after today, so that's all for now. I go in tomorrow for another shot (I did not need one today since my white blood cells were plenty high enough- yeah!) The nurses have encouraged me to bring the girls in so they can meet them and so the girls can get to know them a bit, so we will do that together and hopefully I'll be having another great day and we'll get to have a fun day together!
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