12/10/08
One day at a time is a very common saying in Alanon. Its what's been getting me through the past month. If I focus only on the next test, or the next doctor's appointment, it keeps things more manageable for me. Since Thursday, I've just been focuses on resting and keeping my pain under control. My arm pain has eased up so much that I have been able to slow down on the pain medication. As my arm pain decreases, I've begun to notice the pain in the other areas- my breast and the area where the port is in place. But, this is mostly annoying pain, not crying pain, so it is not too bad. I still feel like I have to walk slowly so as not to jiggle anything.
The flax bags have helped so much. I am astounded at how quickly I got 4 very nice ones. One even came from a woman who has never read my blog and had no idea I wanted one. She just made one out of the blue for me, and it just happened to be exactly as I'd described in my blog. I'm liking this act of putting a need out to the universe and having the universe provide for me.
I got out of the house for the first time yesterday. First, I went into my backyard and touched the grass with my bare foot. It is so cold now! Then, I went to my mind/body class last night. The car ride was hard- the bumps aggravated my pain, and I took another pill once I got there. I really hate the groggy, out of touch feeling the pills give me, but I was determined to go to this class. We learned a second breathing technique and a great relaxation technique. During the guided relaxation, I was able to get back into the same type of zone I was in during the MRI. No great visions this time though- I think the drugs interfere with those. But, I was so calm and peaceful by the end and I slept quite well last night. I was able to get my own shirt off last night without help! Some occupational therapist friends from work visited yesterday and I got some tips on how to dress and undress using my good arm. And, I'm getting better and better and being a lefty- I can eat without spilling too much now!
I'm waiting now for F to pick me up for my doctor's appointment. The doc will look at the drain today and I'm hoping that it'll be time for it to come out. Not much is draining now, so either I'm almost done, or its clogged up somewhere. The drain comes out of my body under my arm and near my back, so I can't see where it starts unless I'm in front of a mirror and I twist around. But, I'm not doing any twisting these days, so I'm not sure what's happening with it. It really freaks me out to picture it stitched into my skin, so I haven't tried very hard to look at it. I also may get the pathology results today if they're back. This is where I learn about what was found in my lymph nodes, meaning how many other nodes (if any) had cancer in them. I think the type of chemotherapy I get is dependent on what is discovered in my nodes. I am visualizing cancer free nodes so I can have less aggressive chemotherapy. I'm visualizing the type of chemo that kills all the cancer, but spares my hair. I thought at first that I wouldn't mind too much losing my hair, but as the possibility gets closer, it turns out that I do mind. I am really hoping that I will have at least a few days when I'm healed up from the surgery enough to get outside and enjoy some holiday activities before I start chemo. I've heard from a few women recently who have had pretty positive chemo experiences, so I'm visualizing that for me too. Although I'm dreading beginning, I'm also eager to start so I can be finished that much sooner.
I looked at my body yesterday. It's hard to look, but it's my body and I've got to keep loving it. My thoughts are so impulsive- they always go to the sensationalism first, then I have to rein them in. When I looked, a flashing neon movie title flashed through my head: "SLASHER!" But, I pushed that aside and really looked. I have a small scar on the upper left part of my chest and a small bump where the port is located under the skin. Its covered with steri-strips right now. I have the same scar on my breast as before, covered in steri-strips. The difference is that its raised up now and puckered and swollen and red. I have a long scar under my arm that I can't really see too well because I can't raise up my arm. It looks like that area is purple from bruising. And I have the tube hanging down my back. I can kind of pretend I'm the bionic woman-I have parts that are not my own that will make me stronger, faster, blah blah blah.
Ok, let me end on a positive note so the universe can create for me what I want for myself: I AM HEALTHY, WHOLE, HEALED, AND BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Sucking it up
12/7/08
"Suck it up and drive on!" is a term used in the army when someone is whining about being tired or cold or hungry or what ever and the sergeant is yelling at the person in order to "motivate" him to keep going. I use it with Kaycee sometimes when she is whining about cleaning her room, and she will sometimes cry, "I know I need to suck it up Mama, but its hard!"
I'm learning to not "suck it up" ("it" being the emotion and the sucking being the stuffing of the emotion) but to keep driving on. The pain in my arm has released some more grief for me, and led me to reach out some more for help. Not too long after my earlier posting, a friend loaned me two great flax seed pillows, which she delivered and heated up and I have had on my arm on and off throughout the day. Then my mom let me know that she ordered a big one for me- thanks mom!
The kids went off today, Kaycee was not having a good morning at all, but she went anyway. I was in bed trying to rest when the pain came again. I ended up having two friends over for most of the afternoon and it was just so very nice having company and having kind people take care of me. Thank you D and R for your companionship and your kindness. Before they came over, I started crying and couldn't stop again. The same thing happened last night. I have been trying so hard to do the positive visualizations and have been picturing me paddling my kayak with two good strong arms. But, once the pain kicks in its very hard to hold this image and it gets replaced with fears that this pain might be permanent. I called the doctor on call again at 1:00 in the morning and he said that it is probably being caused by the drain tube being placed in a way that aggravates the nerves and that once the tube comes out, the pain would probably be gone. This made sense to me today, because whenever the clots are squeezed to break them up, I get the zinging feeling in my arm.
I tried to be done with the pain medication today, but it didn't work. I looked back at my old postings to see where I was at last time on day 3 after the surgery, and while I was off pain medication, I still hadn't left the house yet. The difference last time was that my surgery was on a Tuesday and by Saturday I had my first outing. This time surgery was on Thursday and I've been in bed all weekend. I'm working on being patient and letting the healing happen. D told me that as a general rule, people need one week per day spent in the hospital to recover. Ok, as long as I know its going to end, I can wait. Although a part of me doesn't want the drain to be removed because once its removed, that means I can start chemotherapy and I'm not too thrilled about that.
A friend at work gave me an image that has been so helpful- she said to picture chemo and other medications as just washing through my body, doing their job, and washing out again. I've been drinking a LOT of water in hopes of flushing all the medication out of my system and I like the thought that it isn't staying in there.
The surgery was different this time because it was so early in the morning and I didn't have any other stuff to do first. Once I got checked in, it went very fast. I had the sudden inspiration to ask the anesthesiologist to do my IV instead of the nurse, and I visualized good, plump veins again, and it was the easiest IV ever- just barely a prick and it was done. He put in some Verced which left me fully aware, but very calm. I remember going into the operating room and being introduced to everyone and not being afraid. I had told the doctor and my nurse my fears and past experience in recovery, and someone made it a point to share this information with the recovery room nurse and she was such an angel. When I woke up the curtains were drawn around me and while I don't remember much, I do remember her kind, calm voice and very little pain. They also let me keep a few things in my hand right into the operating room, and she put them back into my hand right when I woke up- a picture of me with Kaycee and Karina in my childhood fort, and my lavender crystal. They didn't make fun of me or anything- just made sure I was safe and comfortable. After recovery I went straight to my hospital room where my friend D and my sponsor, B, were waiting. They tell me now that they were both in there for a few hours, but I only remember a few minutes. At some point my boyfriend F came in and I remember him reading to me from the "Succulent Wild Woman" book and laughing at his joke about reading the "Succulent Wild Man" book next. I remember him rubbing my feet and not much else. He was there for a few hours too I"m told. I remember the kindest nurse and nurse assistant coming in and out. I was not physically comfortable at all, and the bed was very narrow (well, compared to my king sized bed anyway). D stayed the night with me in the hospital room and she must have adjusted my bed and my pillows for me 50 times throughout the night. I remember thinking that she would get tired of me asking, but she never did. Nurses are such patient, caring people. I remember being really thirsty and having a sore throat from the tube being in there during surgery. I drank so much water, and I kept having to get up to go to the bathroom. Which sucked because it was usually just when the bed and pillows finally got adjusted right. I had to have someone help me get my underwear off each time, and then back on again. It is pretty humbling to get to a place where you've got to rely on another human being to put your undies on and off. It is also a place of extreme gratitude for those people.
I've got the car sick feeling. More later.
"Suck it up and drive on!" is a term used in the army when someone is whining about being tired or cold or hungry or what ever and the sergeant is yelling at the person in order to "motivate" him to keep going. I use it with Kaycee sometimes when she is whining about cleaning her room, and she will sometimes cry, "I know I need to suck it up Mama, but its hard!"
I'm learning to not "suck it up" ("it" being the emotion and the sucking being the stuffing of the emotion) but to keep driving on. The pain in my arm has released some more grief for me, and led me to reach out some more for help. Not too long after my earlier posting, a friend loaned me two great flax seed pillows, which she delivered and heated up and I have had on my arm on and off throughout the day. Then my mom let me know that she ordered a big one for me- thanks mom!
The kids went off today, Kaycee was not having a good morning at all, but she went anyway. I was in bed trying to rest when the pain came again. I ended up having two friends over for most of the afternoon and it was just so very nice having company and having kind people take care of me. Thank you D and R for your companionship and your kindness. Before they came over, I started crying and couldn't stop again. The same thing happened last night. I have been trying so hard to do the positive visualizations and have been picturing me paddling my kayak with two good strong arms. But, once the pain kicks in its very hard to hold this image and it gets replaced with fears that this pain might be permanent. I called the doctor on call again at 1:00 in the morning and he said that it is probably being caused by the drain tube being placed in a way that aggravates the nerves and that once the tube comes out, the pain would probably be gone. This made sense to me today, because whenever the clots are squeezed to break them up, I get the zinging feeling in my arm.
I tried to be done with the pain medication today, but it didn't work. I looked back at my old postings to see where I was at last time on day 3 after the surgery, and while I was off pain medication, I still hadn't left the house yet. The difference last time was that my surgery was on a Tuesday and by Saturday I had my first outing. This time surgery was on Thursday and I've been in bed all weekend. I'm working on being patient and letting the healing happen. D told me that as a general rule, people need one week per day spent in the hospital to recover. Ok, as long as I know its going to end, I can wait. Although a part of me doesn't want the drain to be removed because once its removed, that means I can start chemotherapy and I'm not too thrilled about that.
A friend at work gave me an image that has been so helpful- she said to picture chemo and other medications as just washing through my body, doing their job, and washing out again. I've been drinking a LOT of water in hopes of flushing all the medication out of my system and I like the thought that it isn't staying in there.
The surgery was different this time because it was so early in the morning and I didn't have any other stuff to do first. Once I got checked in, it went very fast. I had the sudden inspiration to ask the anesthesiologist to do my IV instead of the nurse, and I visualized good, plump veins again, and it was the easiest IV ever- just barely a prick and it was done. He put in some Verced which left me fully aware, but very calm. I remember going into the operating room and being introduced to everyone and not being afraid. I had told the doctor and my nurse my fears and past experience in recovery, and someone made it a point to share this information with the recovery room nurse and she was such an angel. When I woke up the curtains were drawn around me and while I don't remember much, I do remember her kind, calm voice and very little pain. They also let me keep a few things in my hand right into the operating room, and she put them back into my hand right when I woke up- a picture of me with Kaycee and Karina in my childhood fort, and my lavender crystal. They didn't make fun of me or anything- just made sure I was safe and comfortable. After recovery I went straight to my hospital room where my friend D and my sponsor, B, were waiting. They tell me now that they were both in there for a few hours, but I only remember a few minutes. At some point my boyfriend F came in and I remember him reading to me from the "Succulent Wild Woman" book and laughing at his joke about reading the "Succulent Wild Man" book next. I remember him rubbing my feet and not much else. He was there for a few hours too I"m told. I remember the kindest nurse and nurse assistant coming in and out. I was not physically comfortable at all, and the bed was very narrow (well, compared to my king sized bed anyway). D stayed the night with me in the hospital room and she must have adjusted my bed and my pillows for me 50 times throughout the night. I remember thinking that she would get tired of me asking, but she never did. Nurses are such patient, caring people. I remember being really thirsty and having a sore throat from the tube being in there during surgery. I drank so much water, and I kept having to get up to go to the bathroom. Which sucked because it was usually just when the bed and pillows finally got adjusted right. I had to have someone help me get my underwear off each time, and then back on again. It is pretty humbling to get to a place where you've got to rely on another human being to put your undies on and off. It is also a place of extreme gratitude for those people.
I've got the car sick feeling. More later.
Help
12/7/08
A call for help: I am in need of two flax seed pillow type things. Something is going on with the nerves in my arm and when I move it a certain way, or sometimes just because, I get a shooting,throbbing pain all through my arm and hand. Last night I tried wrapping it in a hot, wet towel, then resting it on Kaycee's heated up flax seed doll, with Karina's flax seed doll on top. This gives me relief until the pain medication kicks in. I'm not sure who all is reading this, but if anyone wants to help, here's what I'm needing:: Two flax pillows, a bit longer than my forearm and a bit wider than my arm, pretty heavy because the weight helps, made out of a very soft flannel type of material. If they had something calming, like lavender inside, that would be great to help me calm down until the pain goes away.
Thanks to anyone who can help!
And, a big, HUGE thank you to the many, many people who have stepped in to help me and the girls in so many ways. I am in awe of the amount of love, care, and help that has flowed our way. This is such a big, scary thing for me and each time I receive a kindness from someone, it pushes the fear away a little bit more.
A call for help: I am in need of two flax seed pillow type things. Something is going on with the nerves in my arm and when I move it a certain way, or sometimes just because, I get a shooting,throbbing pain all through my arm and hand. Last night I tried wrapping it in a hot, wet towel, then resting it on Kaycee's heated up flax seed doll, with Karina's flax seed doll on top. This gives me relief until the pain medication kicks in. I'm not sure who all is reading this, but if anyone wants to help, here's what I'm needing:: Two flax pillows, a bit longer than my forearm and a bit wider than my arm, pretty heavy because the weight helps, made out of a very soft flannel type of material. If they had something calming, like lavender inside, that would be great to help me calm down until the pain goes away.
Thanks to anyone who can help!
And, a big, HUGE thank you to the many, many people who have stepped in to help me and the girls in so many ways. I am in awe of the amount of love, care, and help that has flowed our way. This is such a big, scary thing for me and each time I receive a kindness from someone, it pushes the fear away a little bit more.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
First Shower/Bandages Off
12/6/08
Last night was a hard night. Lots of pain in my arm with a numb/swollen feeling. The pain medication would work for a few hours, then wear off before I could take more. I never got into a deep sleep- just cat naps. Finally, around 2 or 3 am, I got online and looked up the Unity website so I could put in a prayer request for healing. I ended up calling a number, thinking I would leave a message, and a real person answered. I learned that their prayer line is staffed 24 hours a day and is never closed. This woman was like an angel and she prayed with me and I felt such peace afterwards. She put my name in a place at Unity Village where for 30 days people will pray for me. I do believe in the power of prayer, and I also believe that it is the opposite of laying in bed feeling helpless and hopeless. On the website there are also some guided meditations that I was able to listen to that helped me relax and I was able to sleep much better, despite the pain.
The site is www.unityonline.org It saved my sanity last night.
I put in a call to the doctor on call this morning just to see if the arm pain was normal. He called back within a few minutes of my message and talked to me for quite a bit. I felt reassured afterwards. The girls went off with friends today and got to do some fun activities. I called a friend and she said she could do distance Reiki for me. After our phone call, I went into a deep, restful sleep for about 3 hours. I woke up and had D remove my bandages and help me with my first shower. It was a bit freaky- I held onto my drain and did the best I could, but I felt very vulnerable and icky. I caught a glimpse of the new and improved scar (bigger) and of the port-a-cath area. I can't do more than glance at these at this point. I'm feeing sad and overwhelmed right now. Took some more pain medication and I'm back in bed. Its that feeling of knowing I just went through a second something big, and now the next thing is coming up. Dr. T. did tell me that he got the results of my CT and bone scan and that there was nothing of concern. Although he did see a few things- possible arthritis somewhere in my bones and one other thing, but he is confident that its nothing related to the cancer. He did end up needing to cut a nerve in my arm, hence the numbness.
I've been working throughout the day on visualizing a healed, whole, functional arm and a quick healing from the surgery. Again, whether this visualization works or not I don't know. But I do know it gives me something to do while I'm laying in bed and it makes me feel positive and peaceful.
Time to rest. More later.
Last night was a hard night. Lots of pain in my arm with a numb/swollen feeling. The pain medication would work for a few hours, then wear off before I could take more. I never got into a deep sleep- just cat naps. Finally, around 2 or 3 am, I got online and looked up the Unity website so I could put in a prayer request for healing. I ended up calling a number, thinking I would leave a message, and a real person answered. I learned that their prayer line is staffed 24 hours a day and is never closed. This woman was like an angel and she prayed with me and I felt such peace afterwards. She put my name in a place at Unity Village where for 30 days people will pray for me. I do believe in the power of prayer, and I also believe that it is the opposite of laying in bed feeling helpless and hopeless. On the website there are also some guided meditations that I was able to listen to that helped me relax and I was able to sleep much better, despite the pain.
The site is www.unityonline.org It saved my sanity last night.
I put in a call to the doctor on call this morning just to see if the arm pain was normal. He called back within a few minutes of my message and talked to me for quite a bit. I felt reassured afterwards. The girls went off with friends today and got to do some fun activities. I called a friend and she said she could do distance Reiki for me. After our phone call, I went into a deep, restful sleep for about 3 hours. I woke up and had D remove my bandages and help me with my first shower. It was a bit freaky- I held onto my drain and did the best I could, but I felt very vulnerable and icky. I caught a glimpse of the new and improved scar (bigger) and of the port-a-cath area. I can't do more than glance at these at this point. I'm feeing sad and overwhelmed right now. Took some more pain medication and I'm back in bed. Its that feeling of knowing I just went through a second something big, and now the next thing is coming up. Dr. T. did tell me that he got the results of my CT and bone scan and that there was nothing of concern. Although he did see a few things- possible arthritis somewhere in my bones and one other thing, but he is confident that its nothing related to the cancer. He did end up needing to cut a nerve in my arm, hence the numbness.
I've been working throughout the day on visualizing a healed, whole, functional arm and a quick healing from the surgery. Again, whether this visualization works or not I don't know. But I do know it gives me something to do while I'm laying in bed and it makes me feel positive and peaceful.
Time to rest. More later.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Back Home
12/5/08
Back home today. Not much sleep in the hospital, but it was so nice to be taken care of there. Much better surgery experience this time. Practiced positive visualizations and only the best, most compassionate nurses and doctors. Another very easy IV. Not freaked out at all during surgery/recovery- Anestheseologist hooked me up with some good drugs for anxiety and pain. Recovering well, resting a lot. Dealing with the drain. Not as bad as I expected cleaning it out, but a pain keeping track of it and keeping it pinned and out of my way. Arm really sore. More later.
Back home today. Not much sleep in the hospital, but it was so nice to be taken care of there. Much better surgery experience this time. Practiced positive visualizations and only the best, most compassionate nurses and doctors. Another very easy IV. Not freaked out at all during surgery/recovery- Anestheseologist hooked me up with some good drugs for anxiety and pain. Recovering well, resting a lot. Dealing with the drain. Not as bad as I expected cleaning it out, but a pain keeping track of it and keeping it pinned and out of my way. Arm really sore. More later.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Round Two
12/3/08
I should be asleep right now since I'm due to get up in a few hours, but I'm still awake. I figure I'll have lots of time to sleep tomorrow. I'm feeling pretty good about the surgery right now. Well, I've had moments of sheer terror and crying at odd times and in odd places. But, overall I believe that it will go better. Its so early in the morning that I won't have all day long to get anxious. And, last time I started the day off getting a wire inserted into my boob and driving across town right afterwards. By the time I arrived at the hospital, I was in pain, stressed, cold, thirsty and hungry. And, I had to go through yet another needle in my breast for the sentinel node thing. This time I will go straight in, get prepped, and go into surgery- drugged up and happy this time! I'm practicing my positive visualization right now: I am getting the BEST recovery nurse and when I wake up I am going to feel safe and well. I am getting the BEST IV giving nurse and my veins are plump and hydrated (they really are- I've been drinking a LOT of water today). My surgeon does his BEST work first thing in the morning. My body is strong and healthy and will recover well.
Today I had the bone scan. I went in first for a shot of radioactive stuff. It was injected into an IV. I started getting panicky when the nurse was getting ready for the IV. Then I remembered and I took a few minutes to visualize my great, easy veins. I felt a little prick, then nothing. I thought she was numbing me up with something first, but when I asked, she said she was done! The IV went in so easily, just as I had visualized. It was really, really cool. I didn't feel any different at all with the radioactive stuff binding to my bones. I left and went to the mall for a pedicure. That was heavenly! A whole hour of a foot and leg massage, and beautiful nails at the end! Then, I returned to the hospital and explored the lobby and had lunch before the scan. It is a beautiful hospital. I felt a little bit like I was at a luxury resort somewhere. My lunch was cheap and delicious, and I had a view of the river and of some walking paths. I looked around and saw many, many employees of the hospital and I realized that this is really an ok place to be. This is just a place with a bunch of people in the helping profession all working to get people well. It really helped me today to see this side of the hospital, instead of just the little surgery area. I'm kind of looking forward to staying the night there. Yes, I realize that once I'm there it won't really be a luxury resort, but right now I can kind of imagine it that way.
The bone scan was fine. Two painfully young men were my techs (why are these people so young? Or am I getting old?!) My sponsor was with me and I was so grateful to have her calm presence there. I laid down on a very narrow table and a big camera (huge) very slowly moved across my body. It was a little weird having it so close to my face, but not bad. The two techs were at the computer talking about something, and my sponsor and I talked about how in awe of the machine we were. I had a moment of gratitude for the brilliance of the human mind to create machines such as these. Earlier in the day I had a huge amount of gratitude for all the women who came before me in the early days and doctors learned from them what treatment options would and wouldn't work. I am so very grateful for the amount of research and work that has gone into fighting cancer. I felt a little like there is a huge amount of power in so many people working towards one goal- treating cancer.
The mind/body class last night was so great for me. I am so happy that my friend K went with me. I don't think I could have walked in there alone. I had so much fear and anxiety about joining the "cancer club". But, I felt ok in the group and it was even ok meeting other people who have cancer. I'm still not really ok that I'm one of them, but I am happy to be in such nice company. The big thing I learned is how to breath deeply and how to use more of my lung capacity in order to reduce stress. I've been trying it today and it is very calming. Mrs. T (the instructor and Dr. T's wife) is a great teacher and I think I will learn a lot from her.
The girls are all taken care of. We had a nice evening today, Kaycee has decided that she wants to play on a basketball team, like Karina. So, we went shoe and ball shopping and Kaycee got her first pair of basketball shoes and a pink basketball. For those of you who know Kaycee, this is a HUGE deal. I'm hoping playing a sport will be good for her. And, the girls have been getting along so well- its been very nice and peaceful.
Not sure when I'll write next- I'm going on a mini vacation to a great luxury resort......
I should be asleep right now since I'm due to get up in a few hours, but I'm still awake. I figure I'll have lots of time to sleep tomorrow. I'm feeling pretty good about the surgery right now. Well, I've had moments of sheer terror and crying at odd times and in odd places. But, overall I believe that it will go better. Its so early in the morning that I won't have all day long to get anxious. And, last time I started the day off getting a wire inserted into my boob and driving across town right afterwards. By the time I arrived at the hospital, I was in pain, stressed, cold, thirsty and hungry. And, I had to go through yet another needle in my breast for the sentinel node thing. This time I will go straight in, get prepped, and go into surgery- drugged up and happy this time! I'm practicing my positive visualization right now: I am getting the BEST recovery nurse and when I wake up I am going to feel safe and well. I am getting the BEST IV giving nurse and my veins are plump and hydrated (they really are- I've been drinking a LOT of water today). My surgeon does his BEST work first thing in the morning. My body is strong and healthy and will recover well.
Today I had the bone scan. I went in first for a shot of radioactive stuff. It was injected into an IV. I started getting panicky when the nurse was getting ready for the IV. Then I remembered and I took a few minutes to visualize my great, easy veins. I felt a little prick, then nothing. I thought she was numbing me up with something first, but when I asked, she said she was done! The IV went in so easily, just as I had visualized. It was really, really cool. I didn't feel any different at all with the radioactive stuff binding to my bones. I left and went to the mall for a pedicure. That was heavenly! A whole hour of a foot and leg massage, and beautiful nails at the end! Then, I returned to the hospital and explored the lobby and had lunch before the scan. It is a beautiful hospital. I felt a little bit like I was at a luxury resort somewhere. My lunch was cheap and delicious, and I had a view of the river and of some walking paths. I looked around and saw many, many employees of the hospital and I realized that this is really an ok place to be. This is just a place with a bunch of people in the helping profession all working to get people well. It really helped me today to see this side of the hospital, instead of just the little surgery area. I'm kind of looking forward to staying the night there. Yes, I realize that once I'm there it won't really be a luxury resort, but right now I can kind of imagine it that way.
The bone scan was fine. Two painfully young men were my techs (why are these people so young? Or am I getting old?!) My sponsor was with me and I was so grateful to have her calm presence there. I laid down on a very narrow table and a big camera (huge) very slowly moved across my body. It was a little weird having it so close to my face, but not bad. The two techs were at the computer talking about something, and my sponsor and I talked about how in awe of the machine we were. I had a moment of gratitude for the brilliance of the human mind to create machines such as these. Earlier in the day I had a huge amount of gratitude for all the women who came before me in the early days and doctors learned from them what treatment options would and wouldn't work. I am so very grateful for the amount of research and work that has gone into fighting cancer. I felt a little like there is a huge amount of power in so many people working towards one goal- treating cancer.
The mind/body class last night was so great for me. I am so happy that my friend K went with me. I don't think I could have walked in there alone. I had so much fear and anxiety about joining the "cancer club". But, I felt ok in the group and it was even ok meeting other people who have cancer. I'm still not really ok that I'm one of them, but I am happy to be in such nice company. The big thing I learned is how to breath deeply and how to use more of my lung capacity in order to reduce stress. I've been trying it today and it is very calming. Mrs. T (the instructor and Dr. T's wife) is a great teacher and I think I will learn a lot from her.
The girls are all taken care of. We had a nice evening today, Kaycee has decided that she wants to play on a basketball team, like Karina. So, we went shoe and ball shopping and Kaycee got her first pair of basketball shoes and a pink basketball. For those of you who know Kaycee, this is a HUGE deal. I'm hoping playing a sport will be good for her. And, the girls have been getting along so well- its been very nice and peaceful.
Not sure when I'll write next- I'm going on a mini vacation to a great luxury resort......
Monday, December 1, 2008
Strip Malls and Starbucks
12/1/08
Today was my first day back at work. It felt weird at first. But, then it felt good to be back to a somewhat normal feeling day. Until I went in for my CT scan. (I thought it was a cat scan and I kept having images of my kitties). It was located in a strip mall in between a Starbucks and a Wok restaurant. It looked like one of those strip mall offices where you go to sign up for a temp job. The waiting area was cold and had these high, modern ceilings like you might see in a night club. The receptionist took down my information and said, "Your portion will be $250.00. Would you like to make a payment on that now?" Like I was buying a car or something. She gave me a barium drink in a medical looking bottle with a cheerful label that said "Berry Flavored Barium Smoothy!" I sat facing the outdoor tables of Starbucks and pretended that I was having a Starbucks drink and sitting with friends, without a care in the world. I tried not to be envious of the people I saw going in and out, a part of the every day world. It worked for the first half, then the drink started tasting gross- I needed to have an empty stomach for the scan, and the smoothy was giving me the grossed out shudders. A motorcycle guy walked in and was giving me the flirty eye. I had to laugh to think I might be hit on in such a place, feeling as I was feeling. Very surreal.
After almost an hour I was called back and I was happy to learn that I didn't have to take my clothes off! The table looked a lot like the MRI table, except that I got to lay on my back with a very nice pillow for my head and for my legs. The tech was a painfully young girl who was friendly, but way too young. I hadn't been expecting an IV, but she told me I needed iodine in me to help with the pictures. After the failed attempts at IV's for my surgery, I was not too happy to hear that. I told her about that experience and offered her my right arm, which typically has the best vein and was not the one used for surgery. She did a bunch of jabbing and tried to feed a catheter in- ouch! No success. Then, I remembered that I'm supposed to be practicing what I learned from watching "The Secret". I am supposed to be doing positive affirmations- not just saying "I hope the IV goes in", but saying "I have great veins and I'm thankful that the IV will go in with no problem." So, I told her that I had made a mistake and that I actually had a great vein on the left arm that would be really easy. I sent a silent prayer of thanks for my great vein and I visualized the needle and catheter going in easily. It worked!! She was so surprised, so I let her in on my secret.
The scan was simple- in and out of the machine several times for a few minutes each. The iodine was warm in my body and reminded me of being buried in warm sand as a child at the beach. The room was very cold and I was feeling resentful of all those people happily chatting and sipping warm drinks next door. Then it occurred to me- I could actually go to Starbucks and be one of those people! I got finished and got my stuff together and was almost out the door when the youngster called out to me and said she needed to take a few more pictures. Back in I went and again it was pretty quick. The machine was funny- it made a sound like an airplane makes when it is revving up its engines getting ready for take off. A computer voice would come on and tell me when to hold my breath and when to breathe normally. I was able to close my eyes and imagine that I was an astronaut in the space shuttle, ready for take off. It was actually kind of fun for small bits of time.
Once I FINALLY left, I stopped by Starbucks and got a yummy peppermint coffee and a pastry breakfast thing. I so thoroughly enjoyed it, and I got to pretend to be a regular person participating in the regular world for a bit. The results of the scan go to my doctor tomorrow and I'm wondering again if I should call him.
I ended the day with Kaycee's last vision therapy check. She has made HUGE improvements and I am so glad that I stuck it out with that and that we finished when we did. Got home pretty late and was EXHAUSTED. Kaycee is bugging me for a walk right now, so soon I'll put on my cool motivating shoes and head out. I took off the last of the steri-strips and my scar is pretty cool looking, as is the purple bruising.
Today was my first day back at work. It felt weird at first. But, then it felt good to be back to a somewhat normal feeling day. Until I went in for my CT scan. (I thought it was a cat scan and I kept having images of my kitties). It was located in a strip mall in between a Starbucks and a Wok restaurant. It looked like one of those strip mall offices where you go to sign up for a temp job. The waiting area was cold and had these high, modern ceilings like you might see in a night club. The receptionist took down my information and said, "Your portion will be $250.00. Would you like to make a payment on that now?" Like I was buying a car or something. She gave me a barium drink in a medical looking bottle with a cheerful label that said "Berry Flavored Barium Smoothy!" I sat facing the outdoor tables of Starbucks and pretended that I was having a Starbucks drink and sitting with friends, without a care in the world. I tried not to be envious of the people I saw going in and out, a part of the every day world. It worked for the first half, then the drink started tasting gross- I needed to have an empty stomach for the scan, and the smoothy was giving me the grossed out shudders. A motorcycle guy walked in and was giving me the flirty eye. I had to laugh to think I might be hit on in such a place, feeling as I was feeling. Very surreal.
After almost an hour I was called back and I was happy to learn that I didn't have to take my clothes off! The table looked a lot like the MRI table, except that I got to lay on my back with a very nice pillow for my head and for my legs. The tech was a painfully young girl who was friendly, but way too young. I hadn't been expecting an IV, but she told me I needed iodine in me to help with the pictures. After the failed attempts at IV's for my surgery, I was not too happy to hear that. I told her about that experience and offered her my right arm, which typically has the best vein and was not the one used for surgery. She did a bunch of jabbing and tried to feed a catheter in- ouch! No success. Then, I remembered that I'm supposed to be practicing what I learned from watching "The Secret". I am supposed to be doing positive affirmations- not just saying "I hope the IV goes in", but saying "I have great veins and I'm thankful that the IV will go in with no problem." So, I told her that I had made a mistake and that I actually had a great vein on the left arm that would be really easy. I sent a silent prayer of thanks for my great vein and I visualized the needle and catheter going in easily. It worked!! She was so surprised, so I let her in on my secret.
The scan was simple- in and out of the machine several times for a few minutes each. The iodine was warm in my body and reminded me of being buried in warm sand as a child at the beach. The room was very cold and I was feeling resentful of all those people happily chatting and sipping warm drinks next door. Then it occurred to me- I could actually go to Starbucks and be one of those people! I got finished and got my stuff together and was almost out the door when the youngster called out to me and said she needed to take a few more pictures. Back in I went and again it was pretty quick. The machine was funny- it made a sound like an airplane makes when it is revving up its engines getting ready for take off. A computer voice would come on and tell me when to hold my breath and when to breathe normally. I was able to close my eyes and imagine that I was an astronaut in the space shuttle, ready for take off. It was actually kind of fun for small bits of time.
Once I FINALLY left, I stopped by Starbucks and got a yummy peppermint coffee and a pastry breakfast thing. I so thoroughly enjoyed it, and I got to pretend to be a regular person participating in the regular world for a bit. The results of the scan go to my doctor tomorrow and I'm wondering again if I should call him.
I ended the day with Kaycee's last vision therapy check. She has made HUGE improvements and I am so glad that I stuck it out with that and that we finished when we did. Got home pretty late and was EXHAUSTED. Kaycee is bugging me for a walk right now, so soon I'll put on my cool motivating shoes and head out. I took off the last of the steri-strips and my scar is pretty cool looking, as is the purple bruising.
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