Krista's Experiences

Aug 8, 2010- UPDATE!!!

2010-08-08T23:44:00.001-07:00

I know, I know, I ended the blog. But, I just read the last entry for the first time in a long time, and I had to post an update. Guess what, my next blog was a fun, happy one!!!! I never would have imagined it when I finished this one, but you gotta check out what happened in my life after cancer: www.triathlonkrista.wordpress.com

Life is good!

Ending the Story

2009-06-16T17:32:00.001-07:00

6/16/09

This will be the last entry on this blog. I never thought it would end, but it has! Krista's cancer blog is finished. I have started a new blog, called Krista's Recovery, that I hope to write over the course of the summer as I recover from the last year. The address is:

http://kristasrecovery.blogspot.com

My plan for the new blog is to post pictures (as long as I can remember my brother's technical training on using the camera with the computer!) and write about the first three months after completing cancer treatment. I hope to start it off with pictures of my upcoming trip to Vancouver, BC with the girls. I'm excited to be getting my old self back! I'm at about 60% normal energy level. So, we'll still be taking it easy, but also having some fun.

My medical stuff is like my in box at work- never quite empty. I had a visit with Dr. T on Monday and the mole is not cancerous (yeah!) I had blood drawn to check my vitamin D level, and I had a chest xray and a bone density scan scheduled. The chest xray will happen every 6 months (not sure if it's for the rest of my life or what) and the bone density yearly (I think) to see if the arimidex is wiping out my bones. I see Dr. T again in September, and then every 3 months for the next few years. The good part of all this is that I'll be watched very closely and hopefully have early detection of any problems. The bad part is that I'll be watched very closely and it will be a constant reminder that the cancer could be lurking in some corner of my body. I'm tied in to the cancer medical system for life.

I'm hoping over the course of the next few months (or perhaps for the rest of my life) to start identifying some of the things I've learned from the cancer experience. The big lesson I believe I got was that I don't need to do anything too different with my life to be happy- I don't need to wait for anything to happen or change. Instead, I am practicing BEING in my life more and I am becoming aware of all the little wonderful things that I never noticed before. Like today I went for a long bike ride and I had such gratitude for having the energy to do it. The bike ride was a pure joy- just a simple thing, but I got great pleasure out of it. And tonight I was reading the paper and Karina was telling me something about school and I put the paper down so I could give her my full attention and as I looked at her, I realized what beautiful eyes she has, in a way I never noticed before. I feel kind of like I'm waking up from a long, long sleep and experiencing my life with a heightened sense of awareness. It's pretty cool and I hope I get to hang on to it!

So, thanks to all who have read this blog and who have cheered me and supported me along the way. I hope that my next blog will be filled with joy and fun!

More Fab 40!

2009-06-14T19:22:00.000-07:00

All the best pictures from my unforgettable 40th birthday party this week with friends and family in Eugene, Oregon -- taken by my brother Steve and good friend Deanna.

- Click the little speaker icon at the top of the slideshow to hear a cool song play while watching.

- Double click on the slideshow and select "Full Screen" to see the pictures nice and big.

Enjoy!

I'm Done and I'm 40!

2009-06-12T22:02:00.000-07:00

6/12/09

I'm done and I'm 40. Last radiation was today. I did cartwheels (in my head) on the way out. The doctor tells me that for today I am cancer free.

I didn't get a call this week about my mole, so that means that it is not cancerous (they would have called if it was).

I'm off to do some more celebrating, more later.

An ending and a beginning.

Fabulous Party With Fabulous Friends & Family!

2009-06-12T10:49:00.000-07:00

Pictures from my fabulous birthday party with fabulous friends and family in my backyard yesterday. In the slideshow below, if you want to see the pictures bigger, just click here!

ONE MORE TO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-06-10T16:16:00.000-07:00

6/10/09

I got two radiations done today, so I only have one more! It didn't really register with me until I was leaving the cancer center and the therapist said, "See you Friday for your last one!" I have no idea how I have gotten this far, but here I am!

My car is still in the shop, so I biked with the girls to school, then biked to radiation. I had that wonderful free feeling again and it felt really, really good to be biking to the cancer center. On the bike I notice little things that I miss in the car, and today it left me feeling so alive. I usually walk into that center feeling half dead. I guess I should have been biking all along! I had the grand idea that I would use the bike all day, but a few minutes after leaving radiation, I realized that I was too tired to make it home. Luckily my back up plan was to borrow a car and I was able to quickly ride to where it was and get myself home. I had a hot bath and rested on the couch for awhile, tired but happy.

30 Down, 3 To Go

2009-06-09T15:57:00.000-07:00

6/9/09

Wow, I couldn't imagine making it to radiation 30 times when I first began. 30 times. That's a lot. I am so ready to be done! I go in twice tomorrow, once in the morning and once in the afternoon, take the next day off, and finish up on Friday. Then I'm free of doctors until my 3 month check up (aside from waiting to hear back about the mole and getting those stitches removed next week). I will have a check up every 3 months for the next few years, then it will go down to every 6 months. The end is in sight. Thank God. It's getting increasingly difficult to keep going in there. I am so excited to be done and to begin the recovery process and to get my strength and stamina back.

My car is in the shop today so after I dropped it off, I rode my bike around town a bit then back home. It was so fun! I got a little too enthusiastic with the freedom and fun of it all and ended up getting over tired. I will be on the bike again tomorrow as the car is still not finished. I'm thinking of using the bike for exercise until my breast gets less painful. Biking didn't bother it much today, and there is something so fun and exhilarating about being on the bike.

Ok. I can do this. Only 3 more.

29 Down, 4 To Go

2009-06-08T16:47:00.000-07:00

6/8/09

It's interesting the deeply personal conversations that can take place in the waiting room of a cancer doctor's office. I was once again in Dr. T's office, waiting for my mole to be removed. I was getting anxious, thinking about more needles and cutting into my breast, when a youngish man across from me struck up a conversation. I noticed him right away because he's one of the few young people I've seen during this time. During the 10 minute wait I learned that he had been in the army and at 21 got diagnosed with colon cancer and had his colon removed. He wasn't able to stay in the military and wasn't able to celebrate his 21st birthday in the usual way. He was in the office today for a check up after a "suspicious" test. This conversation put things into perspective for me and I went in to have the mole removed feeling not too anxious after all. I thought about what I was doing for my 21st birthday and I felt very grateful for all the years of good health I've had.

There was a quote on the wall I read while being sliced into today. It was by Emerson and said, “The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”

Got my first day of boost radiation today, then went home and got stung by a bee- much more painful than a needle! I sat in my lounge chair on my back porch for lunch and didn't get up for 2 hours. I didn't exactly fall asleep, but I was able to get very relaxed. I'm hoping for a good night's sleep tonight.

28 Down, 5 To Go

2009-06-05T11:16:00.001-07:00

6/5/09

Today was the last day of regular radiation. Thank God. It's been a hard morning. Still having breast pain and feeling very tired. It was hard getting my arm up over my head for radiation today- the pain has spread to my arm and shoulder. I thought I'd feel better if I got out for a walk afterwards, so I got the walking clothes on and headed to the river. Started walking but couldn't do it- not even a slow walk. Any movement at all increases my breast pain. I've taken some pain killers and am waiting for them to kick in. Back home now resting.

It's like the amount of radiation is just enough to bring me to my knees, then it'll be done. Kind of like with chemo. I know I'm almost there, but enough already!

27 Down, 6 To Go

2009-06-04T14:37:00.000-07:00

6/4/09

So close to the end and it's getting hard. Lot's of breast pain today and my skin is starting to peel a bit, like with a sun burn. Only ONE more day of regular radiation, so it will be ok. Never really had much energy today, so I'm trying to rest a lot.

I had a check up today at a doctor's office located at the hospital. His waiting room had the same view that I had from my hospital bed the night I stayed there. I don't know what happened, but my pulse started racing and I got a horrible sick feeling in my stomach. By the time I finished and made it back to my car, I felt light headed and like I was going to pass out. I think I was having fear flash backs or something.

26 Down, 7 To Go

2009-06-03T18:03:00.000-07:00

6/3/09

What a hot day- I sweated and sweated and the bright blue circle on my breast is fuzzy and faded now, but still there. Only 2 more days of regular radiation, then 5 days of the boost, then done! I've been riding my bike and it's been the best exercise for me- gentle and fun and I'm not exhausted afterwards, just regular tired. Still not sleeping too well at night, but having some fun dreams. I dreamt that I was eating smores in a beautiful back yard in Rome...I did not want to wake up from that one! The nice thing about being off work is that when I run out of energy, around 1 or 2 or so, I don't have to keep going. I can lay down and rest for a few hours, then get up and continue on with my day. Rest is good.

25 Down, 8 to Go

2009-06-03T06:46:00.000-07:00

5/3/09

Got drawn on yesterday with a bright blue paint pen and told to stay out of water for the next 2 weeks. It marks the spot for the "boost" radiation. Also was told that I'd be wearing eye shields as this radiation can "scatter". Can't wait for this to be over with.

24 Down, 9 To Go

2009-06-01T18:57:00.000-07:00

6/1/09

I'm in the single digits! Yeah! I am so very happy to be so close to the end. My first day off of work was today and I spent it at appointments- 3 different offices and 3 different gowns. Oh how I hate those gowns! Dr. T looked at my "suspicious mole" and said he could remove it next week. He didn't seem too concerned and he'll have it checked for cancer. He said my skin is holding up good and it was a good check up- short and sweet. PT continues to go well. Thank God I'm getting strength and range of motion back. I had to swim this weekend for the first time since my operation, and I had the strength I needed. Of course, most of it was adrenaline and God I believe. I'm still freaked out about it, so not ready to write about it much. I ended up jumping into a very cold, very deep swimming hole, with a strong current, to get to Kaycee, who was floating away down river. I had a struggle getting us both back to shore. My arm came through for me and although it was very sore afterwards, it's ok now.

Hair Debut

2009-05-30T19:24:00.000-07:00

5/30/09

Another beautiful, warm, sunny Saturday today. Hard to remember all the Oregon rain when the weekend is so beautiful. The girls and I went on our first official bike ride of the season. We rode through the West Eugene Wetlands for a special day they were having- we got to stop at different stations and entered a drawing to win passes to Amazon pool and free car repairs, both of which we DESPERATELY need right now. I'm using positive visualization to win these things- acting as if I've already got them....

My hair is coming back! I've got maybe an inch all around. It seems to be grey- I guess I earned my grey hair this past year! I went out with just the bike helmet on, and we stopped off at a little coffee shop on the way back for cold drinks. I was SO hot and when I went in, I considered just keeping the helmet on, since I haven't gone out in public yet without a head covering. But, I looked around and realized that I was totally anonymous there so it felt safe to go bare headed. I took the helmet off and the girls and I relaxed and played tic tac toe for awhile. There was a bald guy sitting in the corner and I noticed that he kept looking at me. He caught my eye a couple of times and smiled, almost like he was flirting. I was a little freaked out because I really didn't want to be noticed by anyone. As we left, he stopped me and told me that I had a great shaped head and that I carried "The Look" well. It was an interesting experience. I've never thought of my head as being a "Look", but I suppose it is my look now. The guy's comments gave me enough courage to try one more public place without a head covering. We went to the library, where it's impossible to stand out because there are so many "interesting" characters out front. The girls didn't even notice that I wasn't wearing a hat. I felt myself getting "looks" once I got inside the library, but I just tried not to make eye contact with anyone. After awhile, I did start making eye contact, and to my surprise, several bald guys smiled at me! What's up with that? Do bald guys think it's cool to see a bald girl? Anyway, I thought I'd wait till my birthday in a few weeks to uncover, but it's so hot I may just start now. I had the thought that it'd be fun to get a picture right now with me and my 4 brothers- all of us bald at once. Although technically, I'm no longer bald, I just have ultra short hair.

I played soccer tonight and I believe I'm ready to rest now. I've been paying close attention to my fatigue level and so far it's ok, but I'm not going to over do it. Tomorrow will be more of a day of rest. Last night I slept pretty well- these new sleeping pills are keeping me asleep for about 4-5 hours a stretch. It makes a huge difference to not be sleep deprived!

23 Down, 10 To Go

2009-05-29T19:54:00.001-07:00

5/29/09

So lethargic again today, but then I saw that it was 87 degrees! The girls are lethargic too- it's hot. I figured out a quick, cold dinner and we hung out in the hammocks in the shade. It feels so good to just lay gently rocking and look up at tree leaves. Had a check up today at the VA clinic and it was strongly recommended that I see my dermatologist to have a "suspicious" mole looked at. Just what I don't want to think about right now. Today was my last official day of work for a while. I was thinking about all my rest time I'll have next week, but then I looked at my planner and I have so many doctor visits scheduled. Oh well, it will be good to get them over with. Next week is "boost week", which means I get re-measured and marked for the boost portion of radiation. This is the last 5 days and it is less radiation in a smaller area. I don't really understand it, but I remember at the beginning the doc talking about it and I just registered that boost equals almost done. I'm almost done!!

22 Down, 11 To Go

2009-05-28T19:45:00.000-07:00

5/28/09

Well, I've finally made it up after a 3 hour rest. I hit a big fatigue wall today and got home and just couldn't do anything but lay down and stare out the window. I kept thinking I should get up and get dinner going, but couldn't do it. I finally told the kids it was a "fend for yourself night". They went foraging for food in the kitchen and actually didn't do too bad. Karina surprisingly got herself some fruits and veggies to go with her dinner. Kaycee had a can of mandarine oranges, a yogurt, and a roll with cheese. I always feel so guilty when they eat like that. It's so far removed from what I imagine dinner is supposed to be. But, they seem to enjoy getting whatever they want and really, who says we all have to eat traditional dinner foods anyway. They made me a pb and honey sandwich and a glass of milk, and I feel a bit better now that I've eaten. After dinner we all hung out in the back yard on the hammocks and just chatted about nothing in particular. There is something so soothing and relaxing about swinging gently under the trees. It's so cool there after such a hot day.

I've been feeling so overwhelmed lately over any small thing that happens. I remember the story, "Flowers for Algernon" about the mentally retarded man who scientists worked with and improved his intelligence to the point that he was a genius. Then, slowly, he began to go backwards and lose his intelligence. It was so hard for him because all the while he remembered that he used to know and understand things that he could no longer grasp. That's what it's been like for me. I used to be able to handle several different challenges at once, either at home or at work. It was kind of fun and stimulating to problem solve and use creative thinking around different challenges. Lately, though, problems come up and I know I used to be able solve them, but now my brain can't handle them- it's kind of like walking through the day drunk and trying to function like a sober person. People tell me this is fatigue, and I know it is. I'm going to take some time off work to just rest and get through the remaining radiation. I think I need some days of doing nothing but taking care of myself.

I had good news at radiation today. The doc said my skin looks really good and it's much better than most people at my stage of radiation. She said typically at this point the skin is burned and has open blister areas. I've been using the spray from the naturopath and so far the skin on my breast just looks like it has a dark tan. The throbbing pain hasn't been there in awhile. I have some herbs that I take when it begins to throb, and so far they help. Also, more good news- I slept pretty well last night- I don't recall any hot flashes and I only woke up twice. I woke up tired, though, so I think I need a few more nights of good sleep. Actually, right now I feel like crawling into bed and hibernating for a week.

21 Down, 12 To Go

2009-05-27T18:32:00.000-07:00

5/27/09

It would have been a better day today, but I went back to work and ended up driving 60 MILES doing home visits. Way, way too much driving for me. It was hard to stay awake and my arm aches when I hold the steering wheel that much. But, another great PT visit with ever improving range of motion and strength in my arm.

Tried the new sleeping pill last night. I still woke up just as often with the hot flashes, but I was able to go back to sleep pretty quickly, so I ended up feeling more rested this morning. Didn't have the courage to try the hot flash medicine, so I tried some herbs instead. I'll give it another week or so.

Only 12 more to go. 12 more. Almost done!

20 Down, 13 To Go

2009-05-26T19:25:00.000-07:00

Incredibly tired today. I woke up groggy after a restless night- woke every two hours with hot flashes. Saw my regular doc today and he recommended a blood pressure medicine that is supposed to reduce night time hot flashes, but he warned me to be careful if I need to get up in the middle of the night as I could pass out from my blood pressure being too low. He also gave me a different kind of sleeping pill. More drugs...fun, fun, fun. I stayed home today and tried to sleep, but it never happened, so I just rested for most of the day. I did go for a walk- a very slow, very short walk by the river. My leg muscles ache today- must be the arimidex. I felt like I was walking through mud and finally gave it up. Good news at PT today. The swelling in my arm has gone way down and my range of motion is getting better. It wasn't expected to show improvement until after radiation. I needed good news today. 13 more to go. I guess this is the final-two-week-radiation-fatigue that I was told about. Can't wait for it to be over.

Mood Swings

2009-05-25T21:38:00.000-07:00

5/25/09

A beautiful, awesome, fun weekend. I had 2 days of normal energy. I've had pictures of kayaking up in my room all winter, dreaming of when I could take mine out again. I finally got to go out this weekend kayaking at a lake and it was so much fun. Karina took one out on her own and was completely competent and independent with it. This is the first Memorial Day weekend I can remember in Oregon where the weather was perfect- sunny and not too hot. And, I got to spend some time in the woods around a camp fire. All in all, the perfect weekend.

Somehow my mood crashed today. I may have over done the activities this weekend, and I didn't sleep well last night. My appetite has been weird- I get hungry but can't think of anything that I'd like to eat. So I don't eat, then I get cranky and starving and I just grab whatever I can find in the fridge. I wonder if that's a side effect of radiation? I'll have to remember to ask. The hot flashes have been happening all throughout the day. All in all I'd have to say menopause sucks so far. I think it's steadily been getting better, but right now I'm tired and cranky and menopause sucks. If I can just get a good night's sleep tonight I hope it will set the tone for a good work week.

I'm trying to remember too that the doc said that as I get farther along with radiation, it builds up in my body and I can experience more fatigue toward the end. Just like with chemo. I remember too that she said while radiation is easier than chemo, it's still very hard on the body. I keep reminding myself that it'll be over soon- in less than three weeks.

19 Down, 14 To Go

2009-05-22T17:58:00.000-07:00

18 Down, 15 To Go

2009-05-21T20:47:00.001-07:00

5/21/09

Having a hard day today. Not sure why. Hormones? Grief? Exhaustion? Maybe all three and then some. Still not sleeping well. The hot flashes were gone for awhile, but seem to be back again at night. Feeling some deep muscle aches- the arimidex? Had planned on playing soccer tonight, but couldn't do it. It just wasn't a soccer night for me. I seem to be missing the last 7 months of my life. Right now I only believe they happened because I wrote about them on this blog. It's a freaky feeling- I can remember bits and pieces, but it is all fading away so quickly. It almost feels like I left my body last fall and just came back to find it's spring. It's an unsettling feeling and I'm feeling off balance. I don't quite know what to do with myself. It's almost like I need to get to know myself again. I've been so focused on medical stuff, and just getting through each day and now that focus is quickly fading away and I'm left trying to remember what used to occupy my brain space and what I used to do with my free time.

17 Down, 16 To Go...FLIP DAY!!!!!

2009-05-20T17:04:00.000-07:00

Today is the day! I've passed the half way mark. It was such a beautiful, peaceful day today. An easy day at work, and I got to have a long lunch outside by the river with friends. No stomach ache, stable mood, and I roller bladed 20 minutes. Karina is gone for the next 2 nights on a camp out, so no kid squabbles! I couldn't ask for a more peaceful day.

I worked today on finding things to be grateful for about the cancer center while I was waiting. I had a long wait today as they were running behind. I found that I was able to remain calm and peaceful and to not hate the place so much when I did my gratitude list. I am grateful that the place is so close- about 10 minutes from work. There are plenty of people who have to drive an hour or more to get radiation. I'm grateful that my insurance is covering this, as it's quite expensive. I'm grateful it's so close to the river so that I can be on a path by the river within 5 minutes of completing a radiation session.

Ok, Kaycee and I are CELEBRATING flip day. Not sure how just yet, but I know it'll be fun!

16 Down, 17 To Go

2009-05-19T21:19:00.000-07:00

I'm excited because tomorrow is flip day, the day when I've completed more days of radiation than I have left! The end is really, really near!

I've decided to keep lots of different types of exercise equipment in the trunk. That way I can just check in with my body each day after radiation and decide what's best for me to do based on my energy level. I've got roller blades, running gear, walking shoes, and a bathing suit in case I just want to sit in the sauna. Today was a moderate walk day and I went for 25 minutes. Today was the first day in a long time where I wasn't exhausted when I got home. I'm proud to say that I've been making dinner for weeks now, and we've been eating simply but well. My garden is producing tons of salad material.

I've removed the polish from my nails to see what they look like. I've lost a total of 4 and the other ones are still hanging on, but they are definitely dead and white looking. For some reason it isn't bothering me so much.

I've also slowly been introducing the world to my bare head. This weekend I went to a lake (Fall Creek Reservoir) to go swimming. I was really hot and I just didn't want to wear anything on my head. Plus, many of the other people at the lake were bald, pierced (in all sorts of weird places!) and tattooed and I didn't feel so out of place or self-conscious. So, I went without any covering and I didn't notice any unusual looks at all. I've started riding around in the car without any covering on. I figure in the car no one will have the chance to stare for too long and no one will have the opportunity to make comments. I've started noticing more and more bald or semi-bald (as I now think of myself) people around town- tons of men and several young women. I'm half way considering getting some leather, denim, chains, and combat boots so I can carry off the bald look. I have a goal for myself of going without a hat beginning on my birthday. I'm imagining that once I'm 40 I will have so much self-confidence and wisdom that I can carry off any look I like!

I am so very amazed at how much the girls have grown up and gained self-confidence this school year. Karina can now run the washing machine, the dryer, and the dish washer by herself. She can also make a few simple dinners. Kaycee is not having melt-downs and she is managing her emotions better than some adults I know. I am so proud of them and I feel like all the hard work I put into them over the years has been worth it.

All in all, a pretty good day today- stable mood, no stomach ache, not too tired. Yeah!

15 Down, 18 To Go

2009-05-18T21:08:00.000-07:00

5/18/09

I'm almost at the half way point. More PT today and the therapist I have is awesome- young and smart and she has taught me that the scar on my underarm is causing my range of motion to be restricted. She showed me how to loosen up the scar tissue. It hurts, but it feels good knowing I'm getting my arm back.

I went roller blading for the first time in a long time today. 30 minutes. It was so nice. I got in a good night's sleep last night. I googled "sleep meditation" and a bunch of stuff on Youtube popped up. I watched a few videos of nature scenes with music playing and I finally got to a crazy looking guy who started off in that calm, go to sleep voice. The counter said it was supposed to last 10 minutes. Next thing I knew it was 7 hours later and morning time! I've tried to find the video again, but have lost it. I've got a few other ones I'll try tonight. It's amazing at how much better I feel when I've had some sleep. The girls and I went for a walk this evening- it turned into 30 minutes when we took a wrong turn. It was nice, though, because we got to see a new part of the neighborhood. I got home so tired and am ready for a bath and bed now. No stomach ache today! I had some Reiki this morning and it was so relaxing. Maybe I just need to start every morning off that way...

14 Down, 19 To Go

2009-05-16T08:48:00.000-07:00

5/16/09

Well, I'm almost at the half way point and I have less than a month to go. It feels good to be nearing the end. Yesterday was a weird day- parts were hard and parts were fun. I have been having a stomach ache for about a month now, not sure why. It may be the arimidex. It's frustrating because I have 4 different western medicine doctors and 2 different eastern medicine practitioners, and they all say something different about my stomach. It feels like my 4 western medicine doctors only see the part of my body that is their specialty, and they do not approve of the eastern medicine things I'm doing. I'd like to be seen as a whole person when I see each of my doctors. My stomach got bad at work yesterday so I left early and went to the river and rested on a blanket under a tree before radiation. My emotions took over and I was so exhausted and my stomach hurt and I just cried for awhile. It was very hard to get up and go to radiation. I had D come with me and it was nice to have a friend there. I ended up having a very bad experience while there and I left feeling upset and angry. D and I went back to the river and talked for awhile and I got to feeling better. I ended the day at Sweet Life with some great friends and yummy food and I spent an hour just laughing and laughing. By the time I got home, I was exhausted but feeling better. I am excited about my hair. I now have some hair growing back on my legs! I'm hoping that by next month I can go without my hat. In fact, I'd like to burn my hat I'm so sick of it!

It's a beautiful day out and even though I didn't sleep enough last night, I'm hoping to get out and enjoy today!

13 Down, 20 To Go!

2009-05-14T22:38:00.000-07:00

Too tired to say much tonight. Outdoor soccer tonight- felt good, but tired. Started PT today with the goal of being able to kayak by summer.

12 Down, 21 To Go

2009-05-13T20:51:00.000-07:00

5/13/09

It rained and rained and rained today, and it's still raining. I was having muscle aches in my legs today, like I used to on chemo (how cool that I can now say, "used to" about chemo!) so I took a break from exercising after radiation. Instead I went to the Y and sat in the hot tub and the sauna. I had the thought that I would do a little weight lifting, and I even brought work out clothes. But, once I got there I couldn't do it. I couldn't face going into the weight room with a head scarf on. It's been a long time since I've been in the weight room, but I well remember how everyone checks everyone else out, and I just didn't feel like being checked out in my head scarf. It's hard enough being in the changing room and having little kids stare at me when I take it off.

I think Kaycee is more excited about my hair growing back than I am (if that's possible- I'm pretty excited!) She comments on it every morning and she likes to rub it and she's making plans for when she can put it into pony tails. She's excited that it seems to be the same color as hers. It still looks tri-colored to me- black in the back, blond on top, and white on the sides. I am thrilled that it's growing back, but sad that it will take a while before I'm comfortable going without a hat in public.

I was very tired again today, but I'm going to try my new trick for getting to sleep. I am going to listen to an Eckhart Tolle talk. He's a spiritual teacher with a great german accent and a soothing, hypnotic voice. I listened to him a few nights ago and was asleep within about 10 minutes. I couldn't follow what he was saying, but the next day, bits of it came back to me.

I had a bit of a wait in the cancer center today. There were 3 couples in the waiting area. At first I was annoyed because I could over hear bits of their conversations and it was all about cancer this and cancer that. I'm already annoyed when I go in there because there are bulletin boards and signs all over advertising different stuff about cancer. I'm surrounded by cancer in there. I wish it was different- I wish there were people's vision boards all over the walls, with pictures of health and life. But, once I stopped being annoyed by what the people were saying, I just watched them and I saw so much love it cheered me up. There was one couple sitting across from each other, the woman in the tell-tale chemo hat. They were talking quietly and at one point the woman began to cry and the man got up, sat next to her, and gently and lovingly held her in his arms. The other two couples were elderly and seemed to have gotten to know each other during the course of treatments. When the women went off for treatment, the two men talked to each other about their wives' conditions. It was so clear that they both dearly loved and cared for their wives. It was sweet, too, to see two men sharing their feelings with each other. I know cancer sucks and all, and I've heard that it can tear couples apart, but it also has the power to bring out the best in people, and to encourage people to express the deep love they have for each other.

Better Today

2009-05-12T19:31:00.000-07:00

11 DOWN, 22 TO GO

I saw the acupuncturist today. It was nice to have a chance to lay quiet on the table for 45 minutes after work and before picking up the girls. I got home feeling much better and was able to make dinner and clean up before needing to go lay down. I also got in a 25 minute walk, but felt pretty tired and had sore muscles during it. I'm still being told that I should be taking it easy with the exercise as my body is still doing lots of internal healing work.

I read something today that said something about when you're feeling worn down, look at something not made by human hands and you will feel better. I arrived at radiation about 10 minutes early, so I sat in the sun by the river and made a point to look at only non-human made things- the water, the trees, a huge nutria, and a bunch of wild flowers. Even though I only had 10 minutes, it worked! I felt peaceful and calm going into radiation today. I even had what should have been a big upset happen, but it didn't get to me through my nature shield!

Tired

2009-05-11T20:19:00.000-07:00

10 DOWN, 23 TO GO

Just plain tired today. Hard to make it through the work day. Even so, I got in a nice long walk- 35 minutes. Got home and had a bath and an early dinner. Wanted to crawl into bed but the blankets were a tangled mess from a restless night's sleep. Sweet Kaycee volunteered to make it for me and she made it very pretty with lots of pillows. Said she'd make it for me any time I wanted (this one was free, 25 cents after this- well worth it). Throbbing, painful breast again tonight. Got something from my acupuncturist/herbalist to take for it. We'll see if it helps.

Very hard to walk into radiation today. I held my emotions in check for the work day, but was exhausted and crying by the time I pulled into the cancer center. The darlings weren't there today, just the rapster and a new guy- sweet but looked like a gangster. Not fun having a rapster and a gangster messing with my breast, I don't care how professional and well trained they are. I hope the darlings are back tomorrow.

Another long, busy day at work tomorrow. Hoping I get some sleep tonight. Feeling cheated, like I got some of myself back for a small window of time, and now that's slipping away and fatigue is trying to gain a foothold again.

Mothers' Day Weekend

2009-05-10T21:32:00.000-07:00

5/9/09

I'm very, very tired right now, but happy. I got to play indoor soccer on Saturday night. I was very tired on Saturday and didn't feel like going. But, with indoor, I know I can always play for just a few minutes then sit out the rest of the game. Once I got there I felt great and I played for quite a bit. I think my adrenalin gets going and allows me the strength to play. Afterwards I was tired and sore, but happy. Today (Sunday) I was hoping to sleep in, but got woken up at 6:00 am for my Mother's Day Breakfast In Bed. It began with my sweet daughter delivering milk and a sandwich to me in bed, but spilling the milk all over the bed and night stand, then my other sweet daughter entering and the two getting into a fight over what I was supposed to be having for breakfast. I sent them both away with strict orders not to return until at least 8:00. They came back with more food (yogurt and ice cream, french toast, a sandwich cut in the shape of an "M", a cheese and turkey quesadilla, and home made lemonade) and a bag full of gifts- some that they made at school and some that they bought. It was all very, very sweet and I just LOVE the ages that they're at right now- young enough to still do sweet things for mother's day and old enough to be able to be independent enough to plan the sweet things all on their own. Afterwards they let me go back to sleep and I slept till 10:00. I had the hardest time getting up this morning- I was very tired and fatigued feeling. I got up and went to a drive through place for a coffee as my treat to myself. Just as I went to get my money out of my wallet another chemo casualty struck- I lost my thumb nail. I could feel the tears starting, but then the coffee guy told me that the drink was free today for all mothers. Hard to stay sad after getting a free coffee! Yes, I take great joy in small pleasures these days. We went to Mt. Pisgah for the afternoon and again I was so tired and sore that we did a slow walk on the flat part rather than a hike up the mountain. It was so beautiful there today- warm weather and amazing wild flowers all over. We spent a lot of time at the river just soaking in the beauty of the place.

I'm feeling some stress right now about the upcoming week. It's a full, busy week of work and I'm not rested after the weekend. I'm tired and wishing for a few more days rest. My breast started hurting last week, a side effect of the radiation. It is starting to hurt when I run, and it wakes me at night sometimes. I'm thinking of switching to roller blading and leaving running till after radiation. Actually, what I'm really thinking is instead of exercising after radiation, I would love to just lay out a blanket next to the river and sleep for a few hours. Right now I feel like just sleeping for a week.

9 down, 24 to go

2009-05-08T17:39:00.000-07:00

5/8/09

9 DOWN, 24 TO GO!

Soccer

2009-05-07T21:45:00.000-07:00

5/7/09

8 Down, 25 To Go

The good news is, I'm a soccer player again! There was a short period of time after the last surgery where I thought maybe I'd never be able to play again. But, I played tonight. I didn't get my old soccer endorphin rush- too sore and sluggish I think. But, I am happy to say that I can play again. I'm super tired right now, but in a good way.

Radiation was hard today. Not sure why. I just didn't want to go in. There was a waiting room full of elderly people, 4 of them in wheel chairs. Something about it just freaked me out. It was like I thought I should be there visiting a relative, not getting medical care for myself.

I didn't sleep well last night, but hope to tonight!

Another Good Day

2009-05-06T21:08:00.000-07:00

5/6/09

Another good day of feeling NORMAL! I went for a 30 minute walk today and felt great, but by the time I got home, I was pretty tired. I just realized that I'm pretty sore too. I've got a soccer game and a babysitter tomorrow, so I'm going to give it a try. I hope I can hang onto my gratitude for normalcy. I remember in the Gulf War we didn't have showers. In order to bathe, I would stand in an outside, make-shift shelter, strip down, and use cold bottled water to wash with. This went on for 9 months and in the winter months it was terribly cold and miserable. Once I got back to the U.S. I had such gratitude for hot showers. I would stand in the shower and just be filled with joy. That was so many years ago, but I've held onto that hot-shower-gratitude. Every morning I spend a few minutes in the shower bathed in gratitude.

My hope is that I will come out of this period of sickness bathed in gratitude for all the things I never thought about before. I can imagine how rich and full and happy my life could be if I lived in gratitude every day.

7 Down, 26 To Go!

Casualty of the Chemo War and Running

2009-05-05T18:24:00.000-07:00

5/5/09

A big high and a low today. First the high. I went running again today after radiation. It rained and rained again, but I went anyway. This time I ran for a full 30 minutes! I felt so good- no cramping, no muscle aches. I ran slow and steady and felt like I could have gone faster, but I'm still taking it easy. I had a sense today that I'm not starting as low as I thought with my fitness level. I think it will come back to me fairly quickly. I had such gratitude today for being able to run, for feeling healthy, and for feeling normal. I'd like to hold onto that- gratitude for being able to exercise. This is way different than I used to feel about exercise- I did it mostly for the feeling I'd get afterwards, and for the results. It feels great to be enjoying exercise when I'm right in the middle of it.

I was so happy again today. I had an acupuncture appointment and had hardly anything wrong with me to report. Mostly just sleep stuff and hot flashes. This is way different than when I used to go in with 4 or 5 complaints.

Ok, here's the casualty of the chemo war- I lost a nail today. My feelings about it have caught me by surprise. I noticed it had split today at work, way down low where the dead part attaches to the new, live part. I thought I could just go buy some nail glue and glue it back together. But by the time I finished work and got to the store, it was just hanging on by a thread. I looked at the store and didn't find any nail glue. I sat down for a bit and thought about what I wanted to do. I was still on my running high and feeling great and I decided I didn't care about losing a nail, especially since I can see the new nail growing back. I pulled it all the way off. Looking at it on the way out of the store I started crying. I can't figure out why I started crying. It really doesn't look too terrible. I think it has something to do with trying so hard to keep my nails, and losing it this long after the end of chemo makes me feel like a hand from the grave reached out and goosed me. But really, the truth of chemo is that it got my hair, and it got a nail, but it didn't get me! And, hopefully, it got any remaining cancer cells. I guess I can afford to grieve the loss of a nail.

Radiation was not so quick today. It was x-ray day, which they do every 5 or 6 days. In addition to the regular radiation, I get several x-rays taken to check my position and make sure the radiation is going where it's supposed to be going. I'm growing to like the darlings (these are the two young lady assistants who get me positioned on the table and who call me "darling". It makes me smile inside because they are so much younger than me). The rapster tech didn't come out of the control room today. Which is just as well. The darlings are much sweeter. They have started heating up a heating pad for me to have on my stomach each time. I had told them how I didn't like being cold in the cold room, so they said they'd do a heating pad for me. They also showed me where to get a prettier gown- a pink one with an easier opening. I think it's so nice of them to take the time to try to make me more comfortable.

6 Down, 27 To Go!

Running Again!

2009-05-04T20:51:00.000-07:00

5/4/09

I went for a run today! I told myself last week that I wanted to start running today. It rained and rained and rained non-stop all day, but I went anyway. I brought my running clothes to radiation and went right after, by the river. I set a goal of moving for 30 minutes, running when I could and walking when I got tired. I was able to run for 10 minutes without stopping. I ran very slow, but it felt great! Well, it felt mentally great. My poor leg muscles started hurting and it felt as if I'd never run before. It was especially sweet to run today as I ran on the same course that the Eugene marathon runners ran on yesterday- the markings were still on the pavement. I was so inspired and I thought about how hard it must be to run a marathon, but they do it by just putting one foot in front of the other. I realize that I am starting way, way below where I used to be with fitness, but it felt so great to start that I don't even care where I'm at right now. I didn't make it the whole 30 minutes- I went for about 25, then started cramping and had to hobble back to the car. The funny thing is that it hurt just as bad as yesterday in the mall. But I was so happy that I didn't care about the pain- it just felt like intense exercise pain. At the mall when it started hurting, I started crying. Partly from the pain and partly because it was so discouraging to be unable to walk the length of a stupid shopping mall. Today I got home and was pretty sore- my leg muscles and my surgery area, but I am feeling very happy! Same pain, different reactions.

5 Down, 28 To Go!

2 Steps Forward, 1 Step Back

2009-05-03T18:44:00.000-07:00

5/3/09

I didn't make it to soccer today. I did have an ok day, overall. I got up the energy to clean my back porch. It has been a mess for months now. I struggled a bit this weekend trying to remember what I used to do on weekends before I was always resting. I finally had the girls and I write down fun weekend things to do on slips of paper (a great suggestion from D). We put the slips into two containers- one for nice day things to do and one for rainy day things to do. The idea is that when we are stuck, unable to remember what we used to do for fun, we can just pick something from a container. Today we picked going to a movie. My stomach ache was gone and I was feeling pretty good. I planned on walking around the mall a bit after the movie. We got to the other side of the mall when I started cramping. Sometimes I get what feels like two really bad side aches. This happened today and I had to hobble my way through the mall and back to the car for some pain killers. It hurt worse and worse as I walked and I got so very discouraged. It is so frustrating to have the motivation to start being more active again, but lack the physical ability. I guess my brain is more ready than my body is. I realized today that I've been doing the cancer thing for six months now. No wonder I'm worn down. I'm going to work on having more compassion and understanding for myself.

Getting My Life Back

2009-05-02T21:26:00.000-07:00

5/2/09

I got to go out tonight, on a Saturday night. This is a BIG DEAL because for a long time now I've been too tired and too sick to go out in the evening. It was fun to get a babysitter, get dressed up and go out with friends. What a normal thing to do. I looked at myself in the mirror in the bathroom and I even looked normal. Maybe soon I'll start to FEEL normal again. I ended up getting super tired and came home early, but it was fun anyway. I even got to drink a margarita. What a thrill! I haven't drank alcohol in months, aside from the toast I had to celebrate the end of chemo.

My stomach still hurts. I'm beginning to think maybe it's a side effect of the arimidex. Another good night's sleep last night! And no nightmares. I think I may be getting my normal life back. I never thought I'd be so grateful for NORMALCY!

4 down, 29 more

2009-05-01T18:37:00.000-07:00

5/1/09

I got the stomach thing. Drat! Just when I was feeling better too. It's so nice, though, because this just feels like a regular sickness, nothing like chemo sickness. I had a couple of interesting insights today. I got to radiation early and went for a short walk. I walked past a fertility clinic, which is next door. I had a sudden wave of gratitude for the two good ovaries that served me well when I needed them to. I got two amazing, beautiful kids out of them with no trouble at all. I felt so blessed and lucky to have had my children before I lost my ovaries. The sadness I've felt at having them gone left me on my walk.

Inside, I heard a woman on her cell phone in the waiting room. She was talking to someone about wanting to have a celebration that night because she had just finished her 5 year check up and didn't have to take her arimidex any more. It occurred to me that I won't have to take it for my whole life, and that in 5 years I'll be the one having a celebration. So, whoever wants to come, put it on your calendar for Apr 27, 20014 to come celebrate with me!

And finally, I was feeling bad for once again having to go into a place with so many, many elderly people. I haven't seen anyone anywhere close to my age in the cancer center. I've been thinking for a while now how unfair it is that I got cancer at my age. In the waiting area I spoke with an older woman there for treatment too. I realized while speaking to her that her life is just as precious to her as my life is to me. It doesn't matter how old a person is, cancer SUCKS at any age, and life is precious at any age. It left me feeling like maybe in a way I'm lucky. I will have more time to experience the new, deep appreciation I have for life.

3 Down, 30 More!

2009-05-01T13:13:00.001-07:00

May 1st, 2009

I'm home again today with two sick kids. The killer Chavez stomach bug (109 of about 400 kids were out of school- Chavez Elementary- yesterday) struck here. I think I have a touch of it too, so I'm taking it easy today. We got to sleep in till 10:00 this morning, and it felt SO GOOD to finally catch up on my sleep.

I'm happy to say my sleep has been better the past few nights, and my hot flashes have been down to 1 a night. I'm thinking the acupuncture must be helping! I actually had a good dream for a change. I was traveling on a cool trip to Australia.

I found out yesterday (not a dream) that I have the opportunity to take a trip to Vancouver, Canada in June (thanks to my nice friend R). I'm so excited! The apartment the girls and I can stay in is right down town and close to beaches and swimming pools. I had the thought that by then I'll have about 1 1/2 inches of hair and no one will know me there, so I can go hatless and wigless and enjoy some freedom!

I'm also happy to say that my mood has been pretty stable and I haven't felt like a crazy person in a few days at least! I'm hoping that I'll have energy to play with the girls some this weekend. I've got a soccer game on Sunday that I'd love to go to. I'll wait and see how I'm feeling. The great thing is that I'm realizing that I will be able to play soccer again, and run again. Last week I felt like I'd never be able be active again. I'm so glad I'm past that!

6 breaths

2009-04-29T17:05:00.000-07:00

4/29/09

Today was my first regular day of radiation. It was so quick! It took about 3 minutes to get into the right position on the table, then the radiation began. I had time to breathe in and out 6 times, repeating my phrase, "I'm loved, I'm healed, I'm protected" only twice, then I was done!

I picked up a bottle of something from my naturopath to spray on my breast each time after radiation. It's made of aloe vera, calendula, lavender, and a few other things. It's supposed to help prevent burning. I'm also using emu oil. My breast hurts again on the inside- sort of a deep throbbing. But so far the skin is ok.

I cut my nails today and pulled chunks of dead skin out from underneath them. Pretty gross, but they don't stink anymore and I can feel the healthy nail growing and pushing the dead nail out.

My chemo cough is gone! And my tongue is no longer numb (it was numb after my surgery, probably because I bit it).

I'm exhausted and on the couch, but my mood is way better than it was this morning. I had acupuncture yesterday and she did something for the hot flashes, but said it could take a few days to work. I'm hopeful that tonight will be a better sleeping night for me.

2 down, 31 to go.

HALT

2009-04-29T12:06:00.000-07:00

4/29/09

I woke up Hungry/Angry/Lonely/Tired today. Not a great way to start the day after feeling so good yesterday and last night. The hot flashes continue to wake me several times a night and I have trouble getting back to sleep. More disturbing dreams. It was very hard to get out of bed this morning. I was hungry, but still have a stomach ache, so couldn't eat. Lonely from waking up all night long and not wanting to call anyone at 2, 4, 6 in the morning. Angry/frustrated at my out of control emotions. It took a huge effort to get dressed and I couldn't stop crying. Karina was so incredibly sweet- she's been so cheerful lately and she came in and gave me a hug. Who knows, maybe all this that I'm going through will help her understand herself better when her hormones kick in and get all out of whack.

It took another great effort, but I made it in to work. I had to call several people first to talk. I am so grateful that I have such wise people to call. I took some time to walk along the river and although I was sore, it was good to move and to be outside. I just finished a nice meal in a cute little cafe in Junction City, and I've been sipping tea and watching small town life go by on the main street out the window. I am so very tired, but much calmer and peaceful now. I know this hard stuff won't last forever. It just sucks when I'm right in the middle of it!

32 Left

2009-04-28T16:42:00.000-07:00

4/28/09

1 down, 32 more radiation treatments to go! Today was not nearly as bad as I had imagined. Parts of it were creepy, but I found ways to cope. I went in, got into a gown, walked to a back waiting room, and waited for my therapist to call me back. Went into a cold room with a big machine. This room was decorated with Christmas lights and pretty pictures all over the ceiling and the machine. The therapist is a youngish rapster looking dude and he has two nice, young female assistants. They will be the ones I see most of the time. On the machine they did some more drawing on me with a black pen- I ended up with a big square around my breast and a bunch of x's and dots on other areas of my chest. They took more digital pictures with a camera (just what I want- pictures of myself taken when I'm exposed and marked on) And they took a bunch of xrays to mark my position, then I got radiated, then more xrays. The actual radiation part goes twice and lasts about 30 seconds. At the end I got my tattoos- three little dots. The needle really hurt! Made me re-think getting a real tattoo. The room was cold and the people kept speaking in codes- calling out different numbers. It was all very clinical and not at all warm and cozy like in Dr. T's office. So, I'm not going to get my nurturing from the place or the staff. I decided to close my eyes and meditate. I repeated these words with each breath: "I am loved, I am healed, I am protected". Not sure why I picked those, but that's what came to me. I was on the machine for maybe 25 minutes today and by the end I was very relaxed. As I was laying there I thought about how I've been wanting to start meditating, but haven't started yet because I never take the time. I think I'll use my 10 minutes a day on the machine to meditate. Tomorrow I pick up an herbal spray from the naturopath that is supposed to help prevent burning. I saw the acupuncturist today and she said she can help with my night sweats and my digestion problems (my tummy has been upset for the last week or so).

All in all, I feel like I'll be ok. I've got people to help me with side effects and I think the remaining 32 days will go by fast. I've decided to do extra self-care for myself for the next 6 weeks. I'm going to reward myself each Friday- maybe with Sweet Life, maybe with coffee- whatever I feel like. And, I'm planning on trying to begin running next week. I walked again today and felt great. Today was my first day with no pain killers. I'm tired now, but not in pain! I plan to walk the rest of the week, then on Monday I thought I could bring my running clothes to radiation, put them on when I'm changing out of the gown, and go straight to Alton Baker Park. Even if I can't actually run yet, I think I'll feel more motivated wearing the clothes. Maybe I'll just start mostly walking, and add running in for a few minutes at a time. Today I feel hopeful, like I can get back in shape and like I can get strong again. Today I feel happy!

Arimidex

2009-04-27T17:51:00.000-07:00

4/27/09

I started arimidex today- the little pill that will block the rest of my estrogen and that I'll take for 5 years. And, most importantly, that can block the return of breast cancer. I can stop on April 26, 2014. Dr. T asked today if I had started it and when I said no, he asked why. I told him I was afraid of the side effects. He promised me that the return of breast cancer would be way worse than any of the side effects from this drug. That was enough to prompt me to get my prescription filled. Here is a bit of what the drug info says are common side effects: constipation, diarrhea, vomiting, upset stomach, loss of appetite, body aches and pains, breast swelling/tenderness/pain, headache, dry mouth, cough, dizziness (take care when engaging in activities requiring alertness such as driving.....for 5 years?!), trouble sleeping, weakness, hot flashes, hair thinning, weight change (up or down I wonder?) I won't even list the serious side effects. I'm not too thrilled about beginning this. I'm hopeful, of course, that I won't get the side effects. I'm seriously considering hypnosis. I read somewhere that it can help with post-surgical recovery. I wonder if it could help with my fears around radiation? Right when Dr. W (my new doc) started talking about the side effect of breast pain, my breast started throbbing. It's hurt ever since. That's got to be my mind. I'd be willing to try hypnosis- anyone ever try it for anything like this before? What do people think?

I got the call today that I'll start radiation tomorrow at 10:15. I thought I was ok, but after the call I got scared (my normal pre-procedure anxiety). I saw Dr. T this afternoon and everything was ok with my stomach xray and he recommended that I get back to playing soccer next week. Gotta love a doctor like that. As I was leaving his office, I got one of those calls from a time share offering me a couple of very cheap vacations in exchange for listening to their sales pitch. I've done it twice before with this company and gone to Seaside and Newport and had a great time with the girls (the key is to ask no questions during the sales pitch and to repeat the phrase "that won't work for me, but thank you for your presentation" at the end when they really put the pressure on). I am so badly in need of a vacation that I agreed immediately to the one they offered over the phone. I was probably the easiest sell they've ever had. They sure did pick the right time to call- right when I needed something to look forward to! So, hopefully sometime in June the girls and I will go to Sunriver and we're still hoping for Mexico in Aug- staying in a friend's house (thanks B!) and maybe now adding on a few nights at a resort as part of the thing I got today.

So even though I went through a rough patch today, I'm feeling better now. Although very sore and tired- from what I'm not sure. I think I'll hold the image of swimming with dolphins each time I have to be in the radiation machine.

Getting Myself Back

2009-04-26T21:59:00.000-07:00

4/26/09

Another of Karina's soccer games today at a field where my team plays. I got there feeling exhausted, having spent the morning helping the girls rearrange their rooms and set up bunk beds (with lots of help from friends). When we arrived at the game there was a woman running around the track. She kind of reminded me of myself- similar in age, appearance, and running style. She was still running at half time and I was so envious of her and feeling sorry for myself. Then something fired up in me and I decided to be inspired by her instead of envious. I got up and walked around the track 3 times. It's my first walk since the surgery. The first lap felt great, the second one I slowed down, and the third one I just sort of hobbled along. I figured that if I'm ever going to get back in shape, I need to stop moping about and get up and start at the beginning with slow walking. It was SO good for my mental health today to walk, and I had a strong sense of believing that I will get my self back. About an hour after the walk, I was in a lot of pain. I ended the evening on the couch, taking another vicadin. I feel like I did a couple hundred sit ups. I can hardly hold my body up straight when I stand up. But, I feel so very happy!

When I was having such sadness this morning I went to the garden and thinned out the peas for about 20 minutes. Something about being in the quiet with my hands in the dirt really calmed me.

My house is a wreck at the moment- it looks like a tornado came through- a result of the room rearranging. But, I've told myself that the girls and I will just do a little bit each day this week and it will be ok. No one really cares what my house looks like. Best of all, I managed to make another meal. It was simple, just soup in bread bowls, but the girls were really grateful. Kaycee told me she's so happy that I'm starting to make meals again. Yeah! I'm happy too. Only for some reason my oven decided to stop working, just when I was ready to start cooking again! Oh well, that's a problem for another day.

I am so very exhausted right now and I am hoping to sleep peacefully and deeply.

Ugh

2009-04-26T09:21:00.000-07:00

4/26/09

Feeling so blah today. My stupid mind won't leave me alone. Two nights now of nightmares. The first night was full of me in machines and loud noises and cold rooms and me naked on a table with people all around poking at my body. Won't 33 days of that be fun? During the day I'm fine with radiation- a bit nervous, but looking forward to starting so I can be done. At night, all my fears get me while I try to sleep.

Sleep is still weird- I can fall asleep ok, but start waking around 2 and don't really sleep well after that. My stomach feels better. Now it feels like I've got a side ache on both sides. It keeps me walking slow still, but it's better than straight out pain. I actually had energy to make oatmeal for breakfast- the kind you cook on the stove and add cinnamon and sugar to. But the kids are in shock at non-packaged food and won't eat it. Last night I was out of energy and we ate chips, cheese, lunch meat, hummus, salsa, and grapes for dinner in front of the fire place. The girls asked me several times, "Is this dinner?" Hey, I covered most of the food groups, why not call it dinner?

My plan for next week, or I should say my hope, is to do radiation at the end of the day, then go over to Alton Baker Park each time and walk a bit along the river. I really, really want to start exercising again. I saw a woman running the hurdles yesterday at Karina's soccer game and I was filled with envy. There is no way I could run right now. It makes me sad. I asked the doc how long until I'll feel back to my normal self after radiation. She said that people who just have radiation return to their normal energy level in a few months. People that have chemo and radiation take about a year. I blocked that answer out of my mind because it seemed too cruel. Plus, maybe it will be different for me. I'll stick to my plan of a good diet, exercise, and whatever the naturopath and acupuncturist can do for me. I'm trying to talk myself into feeling better, but it's not working so far.

Gratitude

2009-04-24T21:05:00.000-07:00

I just now realized that my eyes stopped watering! They ran and watered and gooped non-stop for weeks and I just now realized that it stopped! Wow, I've been so miserable this week that I didn't even notice! Wonder when they stopped. GRATITUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Radiation

2009-04-24T18:44:00.000-07:00

4/24/09

What a day. I had my appointment with my new doctor, a radiation oncologist. She was very nice, very smart, and had GREAT people skills- gotta love doctors who've got it all. I also got a CT scan and got some points marked on my body so the radiation will only go to one certain spot. They'll tattoo those spots next week. I spent most of the afternoon there and realized that this is the first day since the surgery that I've started feeling better. By the end, though, I was ready for a rest and as I type this I'm laying down and my tummy muscles are hurting again. But, I have more energy and although I'm tired, the chemo fatigue is mostly gone.

When the doc started talking about side effects, I cringed, remembering all the potential side effects of chemo. But there were really only three main ones- fatigue, swelling/pain/tenderness in my breast, and red, dry, itchy skin on my breast. No nausea, no bone aches, no muscle aches, none of the horrid ones from chemo. She said that most people feel that radiation is much easier than chemo, but that it is still hard.

Here's the weird part of the visit- I was telling her about how this cancer stuff keeps happening on holidays-

Wait, I've just been interrupted by Kaycee. Here's what she had to say, "Whoa, your hair's growing back! It's soft and it's black and white!" I guess if Kaycee noticed it, it's really true, it's really growing back!!!! I don't even care about the "white", I'm just happy to be getting it back.

Ok, so I explained to the doc about the biopsy on Halloween and the first chemo on Christmas Eve and the last chemo on April Fool's Day and I said that radiation would probably end on my birthday just to keep the pattern going. She said I'll have 33 days of radiation and I'll probably start next week on Tuesday. My friend who was with me went to a calendar on the wall and counted out 33 weekdays and guess what............the last day is June 12th, my 40th birthday. Weird, weird, weird. She also said that she could do two radiations on June 11th if I wanted to not come in on my birthday. And, she said that there are various reasons why I might miss a day and have to add it onto the end. So, no guarantees that it'll be on my birthday, but I am celebrating big time anyway. I never thought I'd be so excited and so looking forward to my 40th birthday!

What feels the best about this is that I have an end date. I now know when I'll be finished with cancer treatment and ready to mend and rejuvenate my body. THE END IS REALLY, REALLY IN SIGHT! I went into the appointment full of dread, for many reasons. One of which was because I felt like I was starting over- new doctor, new nurses, new treatment. Now I don't feel like I'm starting over- I feel kind of excited, like I can't wait to begin because the sooner I begin, the sooner I'm done.

Impatient

2009-04-22T11:54:00.001-07:00

4/22/09

I am impatient with the slow speed of my recovery from surgery. I was expecting it to go faster. Yesterday was hard, I got hit with a huge emotional uncontrollable sobbing thing, right in the middle of picking out cheese at Albertsons. I had thought that I'd drop the kids at school and go into work for a bit, but I headed back home instead. The crying was weird- it felt so out of my control and it wasn't related to any specific sadness. I called the naturopath and she said it was most likely one of my menopause symptoms related to seratonin levels and she gave me something with St. John's Wart and Triptophan (no idea how to spell this- I think it's the stuff in turkey). I took it and sat in the sun for a while and got to feeling somewhat better. I had an afternoon of appointments with my counselor and acupuncture, so it was an easy afternoon of laying down and relaxing. But, by 4:00 I was in a lot of pain and it dawned on me that something might be wrong if I'm getting worse each day rather than better. I called the doc's office and they started me on anti-biotics. When I went into Albertsons yesterday evening to get the prescription, the lady told me they were behind and it'd be about 10 minutes. I embarrassingly started sobbing again! She looked alarmed and I tried to tell her I was just in pain. She got my stuff ready in about 2 minutes. It's interesting how uncomfortable tears in public make people (myself included).

I went into work this morning for a few hours. I just couldn't bear the thought of laying in bed all day again today. I took vicadin, but it doesn't seem to be helping much any more. It hurt to sit in my chair at my desk, but it felt so good to be out in the world, doing something productive. And it was so nice to see my lovely co-workers. I work with the nicest people. I got caught up a bit, then couldn't stand the pain any more, so I'm back home in bed. I don't feel too bad, though, because I feel like I at least did a little something today. I am SO impatient to be able to MOVE again. Karina had a soccer game last night at the same field where I played all last summer. It was really hard to sit and watch and to know that there is no way I can play soccer right now. I know that this is temporary, but I sort of told myself that I'd be better once the weather got better. At least I love my house and my yard- my own private retreat. I'm in bed right now, but the window is open and there's a nice breeze blowing and I can smell my pear and plum blossoms. I woke up at 3:00 this morning to what sounded like a big, heavy person walking around my back yard outside my window. I looked, and there were 4 lady deer eating the pear blossoms, drinking water, walking through the sand box, and exploring the rose bushes under my window (the deer fence held- they didn't go near the garden!) They were so pretty and magical to watch. I'm planning on getting a comfy chaise lounge for the back yard so I can lay back there and relax in the sun. Ok, I think I'll try for a nap.

Healing

2009-04-21T07:20:00.000-07:00

4/21/09

I spent most of the day in bed yesterday. I believe I'll need more than 4 days to heal from this surgery. I may have over done it over the weekend (but it was worth it). I feel fine as long as I'm laying down, but sitting up and walking is tough. I did get up and move about some because I believe that speeds recovery. The girls are getting their own breakfasts and lunches again and seem to be doing ok. They are capable of getting themselves ready in the morning, they just prefer it if I help more.

My fingernail polish was getting chipped so I removed it last night, thinking I would just leave it off. I was shocked at the condition of my nails! Some of them are yellow, some are black/blue, and some are white and dead looking. On all of them, I can see a line toward the bottom where new growth is happening, and a little bit of healthy nail coming back. I cut them as short as I could and I know that the healthy part will keep pushing the sick part up and I'll keep cutting the sick stuff away. Right now, they are really gross looking. I'm so glad I've kept polish on them- it would have been devastating to watch them while going through chemo. It was hard enough seeing it last night. But, I"VE STILL GOT MY NAILS, and I can just keep them covered in polish till they grow back. They're hot pink at the moment.

Best news of all is that MY HAIR HAS STARTED TO GROW BACK!!! It's pretty funny looking-fuzzy and my scalp still shows through and it's black, white, and blond in different patches. But I don't care- any hair growth at all makes me happy. I had a dream last night that I was at work and got so hot with my hat on that I just took it off and went without. I did really get very hot yesterday and went around the house with no head covering. Not brave enough to do it in public yet, but soon it won't matter! I'll have a cool, very short, multi-colored new hair do soon enough.

Beautifully Overwhelmed

2009-04-19T20:38:00.000-07:00

Where to even begin? What a beautiful weekend, in every sense of the word. I am so emotional right now I feel like a crazy person- I keep going from crying to laughing and both hurt my stomach and make me cry more. I am really, really, peaceful and so amazingly happy right now, although to look at my emotions I'm sure I look just plain crazy. What is going on?! The best I can describe it is like one of those Texas rainstorms I remember from when I lived there. One minute all would be still, the next huge thunderclouds would roll in and then the lightning would start and the winds would pick up and the rain would come pelting down. I had a friend who had a car with a sun roof and we used to like to sit in the car and tilt the seats way back and watch the lightning and the rain from the sun roof. Afterwards I would feel bathed in God's awesome power and beauty and be filled with immense joy at being alive. That's what happened for me this weekend, but the storm came from the amazing people in my life.

First, It was a beautiful, warm, sunny, perfect weekend- very rare and wonderful for an Oregon weekend in April. The weather made the perfect back-drop to the weekend. On Friday I left town for an Alanon retreat at a monastery right on the Mckenzie River. My bed was the bottom bunk next to a window that looked right out over the river. At night I slept with the window open and could hear the rushing river and smell the clean smell of the water. I was nervous about going so soon after surgery, but was feeling not too bad with all the pain killers. Friday evening was nice- there was a great speaker, a great meeting, and a HUGE fire place with a couch right in front that I sat on. I met a bunch of amazing, wise, strong, kind women. I got to talk to several women who have been through similar medical stuff as me, and it gave me such hope.

Saturday morning I woke up after sleeping very well- even in a room full of other women and on a tiny, not soft bunk bed. The river outside my window was the best sleeping pill ever. I had a great breakfast in the company of great women, heard the speaker again, then headed back to Eugene for the afternoon. My writing won't be able to do this next bit justice, but I'm going to try anyway. There was a fundraiser for me that afternoon at Cosmic Pizza. I walked in and was overjoyed to see almost all of my favorite people in the whole world, all in the same place at the same time. There was an amazing, loving, vibrating energy in that place that I absorbed the entire time I was there. The ride into town had left me tired and with very sore, painful tummy muscles, so I thought I'd take it easy while there. And I mostly did, but my pain began to lessen a bunch while I was there and although I was tired, I felt great. Even though I couldn't dance, my spirit was on the dance floor (great music!) I couldn't help but cry from happiness and awe.

I think God was guiding me and protecting me when I decided to move back to Eugene 4 1/2 years ago. I have lived in many, many different cities, and this is the most amazing community I've ever lived in. The people I am surrounded with are so kind, wise, loving, and giving. It inspires me and has left me with this big, neon, blazing message, that actually woke me up from a sound sleep Saturday night- LIFE IS GOOD AND I'M OK. Simple, but profound for me. I actually woke up Saturday night with that blazing thought in my head. I've wondered for a while now if I was going to be ok and what the heck was happening to my out of control life. After being filled with the COSMIC PIZZA EUGENE ENERGY, I feel ok now. The event raised a tremendous amount of money, which hasn't really sunk in for me yet, but which I am so grateful for. It also raised my level of hope higher than it's ever been before.

Ok, I feel like I'm rambling on here and not really expressing myself well- I feel a little self-conscious here, but it's important to me to keep trying to express myself. I went back to the retreat Saturday evening and I would just start to cry when people spoke to me. I wasn't able to explain why, and I think they all just thought I was emotional. I was, but I was also speechless. I got to hear more great things from the speaker and got to attend more amazing meetings with strong women. The speaker had such a hopeful story- she was a tall, beautiful, self-confident woman who had come to the states from Mexico years ago as a teenager by illegally jumping the border fence. She told a story of how she worked on a chicken farm and would hide in the part of the coup that held the chicken crap when immigration officials would come. This woman had literally been through crap so she could make a better life for herself. Her story really inspired me- it is possible to go through really crappy times and come out the other side strong, wise, and self-confident.

Today (Sunday) I ended the retreat by walking a labyrinth with 2 friends. It was in a sunny meadow, surrounded by tall trees and even taller mountains with snow on top. All three of us have been through some crappy times, and yet here we were, walking the labyrinth, filled with hope.

I was riding high on the vibrations of love and hope and thought I could be done with the pain killers. I SO want to be done with all the medication I've been taking. Big mistake. I started feeling a LOT of pain on the drive home and just started sobbing. I quickly took some vicadin (ah vicadin, my old friend) but it takes a while to kick in. D was driving and she just talked me through it. I settled down and we got home and I immediately noticed something different in my back yard. I have been dreaming of having a little table and a chair in my garden so I can sit there on nice mornings with a cup of tea and the sun and meditate on all the growing things. I looked in my garden, and there was a table and a chair! I looked closer and saw that my lawn was all mowed and the third garden bed was put in and filled with dirt, and raspberry plants had been planted, and the peas all popped up over the weekend. I was so tired and in so much pain and had planned on laying down in bed, but instead I hobbled out to my garden and sat in the chair and just cried and cried. It's always hard to go away for the weekend and have a good time and then come back to the old routine of home, and this little surprise made me feel like I left one retreat and came home to another one. Thank you sweet F (the best boyfriend ever) for my sweet garden retreat.

Off to bed now. Good night!

The Surgery

2009-04-17T09:09:00.000-07:00

4/17/09

The surgery is over and I'm home recovering. It went fine and I was much less anxious than during the previous two. I threw up afterwards, and again on the drive home on the side of the road, and that was the worst of it so far. My tummy muscles aren't working too well, so sitting up and getting out of bed is tricky. But, I feel like I'm going to heal quickly. Funny, I never threw up all during the chemo, but I sure did yesterday. I HATE throwing up! Especially on the side of the road. Ah, well, at least it's over. I'm home resting now, hanging out with the cats and watching the rain fall and waiting to go to my acupuncture appointment. More later.

Here Goes!

2009-04-15T21:02:00.000-07:00

4/15/09

It's the eve of surgery number three for me. I'm nervous, but not as much as the last two times. I did all my pre-op stuff at the hospital today and it was all familiar and boring. I just hope the whole hospital experience tomorrow goes fast. I'm looking forward to getting home and getting into my own bed and watching a cool soccer movie I have.

I'm feeling better about the whole ovary thing. Chances are I'll have some of the side effects, but not all of them. I'm committed to having an excellent diet and regular exercise after all this- I think it'll be key to feeling good and handling side effects. My garden is doing well and is full of yummy greens just waiting to make me healthy. Two deer were in the back yard yesterday morning grazing on the lawn- they didn't breech the garden fence! They were so beautiful and peaceful to watch.

My one concern is that I've had a sore throat for the past couple of days, and right now it's really sore. During anesthesia, a tube is put down my throat and the last times I remember waking up with a sore throat from the tube. I'm concerned that my throat will be really sore this time. Isn't it great that this is my biggest concern!

Ok, more after the surgery.

Rested At Last!

2009-04-14T18:14:00.000-07:00

4/14/09

I went to sleep AGAIN last night with no sleeping pill! And, I woke up this morning feeling RESTED and HAPPY! I can't remember the last time I woke up feeling rested. It was such a delicious feeling- like I'm getting myself back when I've been away somewhere for a long, long time. I walked for half and hour this morning and I walked pretty fast for the first 15 minutes and felt like I had some energy. The last 15 minutes I was tired, but didn't have the muscle aches like before. I'm getting better, I can feel it! Just in time for surgery day after tomorrow. I called the doc today to ask more about my recovery and was told that I shouldn't drive for 4 days because I'll be on pain killers. I was also told that I'd go into instant menopause and that I might be irritable and have mood swings and night sweats. I already knew this, but it strikes me as weird that on Wednesday I'll be pre-menopausal and Thursday I'll be post-menopausal. Talk about instant! I apologized to my body today for the shock it's about to go through. I still think it really, really sucks to be losing my ovaries. I know it's totally unrealistic, but I have this though that on Wed I'll be a young, vibrant woman and on Thur I'll be an old, tired woman. I know it's not true, but that's the thought rattling around in my brain right now. I'm trying to think of all the woman I know who have gone through menopause. The women I'm thinking of all have some things in common- wisdom and incredible self-confidence. Maybe I'll get some of that. My self-esteem has taken a nose-dive these past few months. Luckily I had enough to begin with that I could afford to lose a little. I haven't talked much about my hair lately, but it gets harder and harder to look at myself in the mirror. I'm bald, my eyes are tired and puffy looking, and I've lost my muscle tone. Sometimes I just have to look myself in the eye and remind myself that this is all temporary. I'm checking my head every day to see if there's any new hair growth- it's supposed to start growing back in the next few weeks. The fuzz I do have seems to be getting a bit longer. I'm not looking forward to wearing something on my head when the weather gets warm, so it better grow back fast! I bought myself a pretty sun dress last week just to cheer myself up. I tried it on in the dressing room and my scars show in it and I looked ridiculous in it bald, but I bought it anyway. I'm both embarrassed and not by my scars. It's weird- they look bad, but they tell me how strong and resilient my body is.

I have tried really hard not to google certain things, but I'm just going to google "instant menopause" and see what comes up.

-So much for my happy mood. I just googled "surgical menopause" and read the first thing I came across-how depressing and scary. Now I know why I don't google.

Full Speed Ahead!

2009-04-13T18:23:00.000-07:00

4/13/09

I started back to a more normal work schedule last week. When I started chemo, I was able to change my work duties a bit so that instead of doing home visits with kids and families, I was doing phone screenings. This was to protect my immune system as much as possible and so that I didn't have to do so much driving while on medication that causes drowsiness. Last week, I started transitioning back into doing home visits again. I found myself driving to a home visit today, eating a veggie burger from Burger King in the car on the way. It struck me that this was my old life style- race as fast as possible through the day, eating in the car to save time. I really, really don't want to start doing that again. I haven't been as careful about what I've been eating lately- too tired and too busy with work to plan meals. On a positive note, I was able to cook a meal this past week, rather than just heating up Trader Joe's ready meals.

In spite of work being busy, it feels really, really good to be doing home visits again. I really love working directly with little kids and parents, on the floor, with the toys and the slobber and the snot and even the family dog. It's crazy, but fun. Even though I'm so tired, it feels really good to be doing work that I love and that I'm good at. And, it's totally absorbing- for the hour that I'm at a home visit, I have an hour that I don't think about cancer.

Today was one of those Mondays where I woke up and didn't want to get out of bed. My legs ached and I woke exhausted. As the day progressed, though, I felt better and now that it's the end of the day, I find that I'm not as achy and tired as I was last week. The best news of all is that I've had two night's sleep with NO sleeping pills! I take my herbs and my opium and it seems to be helping- I've been able to fall asleep within an hour. I wake up a lot, and I am having lots of weird, vivid dreams, but they're not nightmares. I'm confident that my body will readjust and pretty soon I'll be a normal sleeper again.

My surgery is coming up this week and I'm focusing on the positive- the port-a-cath is coming out! I haven't much idea of what it'll feel like to have no ovaries. I know my estrogen level will go way down and the naturopath says that my body could respond in a variety of ways, from little changes to lots of changes. I've been talking to different women about menopause and I'm not too freaked out about it at this point. I feel like I'm surrounded by enough wise women that there will be help with any discomfort menopause brings my way.

Back on the Couch

2009-04-10T18:53:00.000-07:00

4/10/09

It's 7:00 and I'm back on the couch again for the evening, as I've been every night this week. The good news is that each day I am a little less fatigued! It's happening slowly, but I can tell my energy is going to come back. I hit such a bottom earlier in the week. I haven't been sleeping well and I wake up exhausted. I found myself awake still at midnight on Tuesday and just started sobbing out of sheer frustration. Then I found I couldn't stop. I was hit full force by the hell cancer has put me through, and the fear of that washed over me. I think I've been holding the fear at bay, just getting through one day and one chemo at a time. Now that the chemo is over, the fear found a place to settle. It was ok to feel it, and it was ok to let it go. I know it will always be in my mind- will the cancer come back, will each check up be clear, for the rest of my life. But, I'm not going to let it take me over.

On Wed I went in for my blood draw and it was fine. No more shots!!! But, the nurses took one look at me and said I looked like crap and needed some fluids. Well, they didn't actually say "crap" but I knew that's what they meant. My eyes have been running for a few weeks now- a side effect of the chemo (although around here it could also be allergies). On Wed they were all swollen and red and I did look pretty awful. I have been drinking a lot of fluids, but still feel like my body is all dried out- another side effect. I sat in the chemo chair yet again getting fluids. I was there for an hour and it was pretty relaxing since I was so tired. I put an ice pack on my eyes and took a little rest. Afterwards I had a visit with the naturopath. I explained my level of fatigue to her and she said it sounded like my adrenal gland and my hormones where out of whack, and also that I probably wasn't absorbing certain vitamins. She gave me some different things to take, along with a sleep remedy. It is made from poppies, among other things, so I call it my little bottle of opium. I also have some herbs to take in the evening to calm my racing thoughts. And, she recommended soaking my nails in vinegar, then dipping them in rubbing alcohol and blowing them dry. She said the smell is from water getting underneath them and causing organisms to grow. So, I've been doing the naturopath stuff for a few days now and my nails don't smell as bad and my sleep is better. Well, when I say better that means that when I finally fall asleep, I stay asleep the whole night and don't have nightmares. It still takes me hours to fall asleep. I'm trying so hard to get off the sleeping pills, but ended up taking one when I found myself still awake at 2:00 this morning. The stuff she gave me for energy seemed to work the first day. Instead of crashing at 2:00, I've been crashing around 5:00. After a few hours on the couch, I've got the energy to get up, clean up a bit, and get the girls off to bed.

I have given up soccer for awhile. There is no way I can be running around a soccer field right now without the steroid boost. I have decided to start walking and I've walked every day this week, first for 20 minutes and now for 30 minutes. It feels great to be out walking, but it is exhausting. My muscle aches make a 20 minute walk feel more like a 10 mile run. My goal for the next few weeks is to rest as much as possible, but get in one walk a day.

I have an appointment with a radiology cancer doctor on the 24th, a week after my surgery. She will get me set up for radiation. I learned that I will be getting that tattoo I've always wanted. They tattoo little marks on the breast so that they can get the radiation machine lined up correctly each time. So much for my winding rose vine around my scar tattoo. I'll have little dots instead, forever.

I was given a book this week, called Cancer Vixen. It's hilarious. It's written by a New York woman who is a cartoonist who got breast cancer. The whole book is her experiences, written in cartoon. Her life style is WAY different from mine, but I found my self relating to certain experiences. Like when she goes in with her mom for her first chemo and she gets scared and she draws herself shrinking all the way back down to being a little girl crawling into her mama's lap and she says she wishes she could go back into the womb. And when she first got the diagnosis she draws herself getting sucked off the planet earth and hurled into a black hole. She also has a romance going the whole time she's in treatment, and a bunch of friends helping her out, and fun things happen for her, along with the crappy stuff. Reading this book made me feel more normal than I have in a long time.

Hope to see you there!

2009-04-10T11:27:00.000-07:00

Just click on the flyer below to see it bigger and read the details easier.

Post-Chemo

2009-04-07T21:13:00.000-07:00

4/7/09

Totally exhausted today. First day back to work yesterday after spring break and couldn't get off the couch once I got home. Horrible muscle/body aches and just so tired. Karina's birthday today- feeling happy, emotional, exhausted. My little baby somehow got to be 11 years old. I so wanted her to have a great day and for us to do all our usual birthday stuff. We did, and I put on a happy, energetic face and I think she had a good birthday. I'm off to bed now and plan to get to bed as early as possible for the next week or two. Haven't been sleeping well. Got some herbs today from the acupuncturist that are supposed to help with sleep. Yeah, I can start taking herbs now that chemo is over. Meeting with naturopath tomorrow to get set up for surgery/radiation and hopefully some help with my aching lymph crazy arm. And a blood draw tomorrow- hopefully all is well and I'm done with those damn shots. Ok, bed time!

Road to Recovery

2009-04-05T21:08:00.000-07:00

4/5/09

I feel like I'm on the road to recovery! People have told me to take it easy for the next few weeks and that these next few weeks could be the hardest. But, I'm ready to be done with hard and get back to my old self! I got out and played soccer on Thursday- my first outdoor game of the season. I did not feel up to it at all. I was nauseous and tired and it was cold and rainy. But, I NEEDED to play. I don't know why- I just needed to be able to say that I played soccer the day after my last chemo. Probably foolish, but great for my spirit. I couldn't do much running, but I did get a few good touches on the ball.

Yesterday was beautiful- sunny and warm and the first real spring day of the season I believe. I spent the afternoon with friends creating my survivor mobile in a clay studio. I made a bunch of different little plaques with different words representing all the positives I've experienced over the last 5 months or so. This is to balance out all my rocks that I made last week. My plan is to put the plaques together into a mobile and hang them over my garden gate. It felt really good to be doing something creative and positive amongst friends. By the time I got home, I was exhausted and felt like I'd been running around all day. A friend had made a meal for the girls and I and I was so grateful not to have to cook. I ate lying down on the couch I was so tired! My arm, where the lymph nodes have been taken out, has been giving me some trouble. Yesterday it was so sore and had throbbing pain at the incision site. As I've started to get a bit more active I realize that every time I use it any extra, it starts to hurt. I'm doing lymph massage on it every day, but I'm also going to try to see a new PT who specializes in the lymph system. It seems like it shouldn't hurt so much.

Today was glorious! I got to sleep in some, then the girls and I planted the garden! It is full of many types of lettuce, peas, broccoli, cabbage, carrots, onions, and a few more things. I'm supposed to be keeping my fingernails very clean so they don't get infected. They are still loose and painful, and the finger tip numbness has come back. I tried keeping gloves on and using a little shovel to plant, but it just wasn't fun. There's nothing I like better than getting my hands down into the soil while planting. So I decided I didn't care if my nails come off or not- I took the gloves off and just had fun with the planting. My garden is beautiful and I hope the dear will stay away! I soaked my hands afterwards in lemon juice and hydrogen peroxide, and scrubbed underneath the nails. Hopefully it will help- I don't really want to lose them! I had a nice lunch with some friends and we went on a long walk up some very steep hills. Well, I take that back. I don't think it was really a very long walk. But, again I found myself getting exhausted way too early. By the time I got home my legs where aching, my arm was throbbing, and I couldn't get off the couch. I'm finding that I hit an exhaustion wall around 4 or 5 o'clock each evening. As long as I can rest on the couch for an hour or two, I'm usually able to then get up and do a few things before bed. I really, really am looking forward to getting more energy back. I'm trying to be patient- it hasn't even been a week yet since the last chemo. But with the weather so nice, I just want to be outside running, playing soccer, hiking, biking, roller blading, chasing kids, all that fun stuff. I got to spend some time in my hammock today laying in the sun. I remember back last winter that the vision of me in my hammock was one of the visions that got me through some very rough times. I'm hoping the roughest of the rough times are behind me now.

The Last Rock- Chemo # 8!

2009-04-01T17:37:00.000-07:00

Chemo Rock # 8

2009-04-01T17:36:00.000-07:00

The Discovery of the Lump Rock

2009-04-01T17:18:00.001-07:00

Discovering "The Lump" was a hard, scary, chilling, awful day. A nightmare come to life. And it's now behind me and I believe if I can survive a discovery like that, I just might be able to survive anything.

The Tube Rock

2009-04-01T16:58:00.001-07:00

The tube is such a distant memory, but it's one of my bad ones. It was in for 3 weeks after the second surgery. It hurt, it was gross, I HATED it and it's behind me!

Fatigue Rock

2009-04-01T16:57:00.000-07:00

Bridge Throw

2009-04-01T16:56:00.000-07:00

Throwing one of my many rocks into the Willamette River. Throwing it down stream so the river can wash it away.

Me and My Rocks

2009-04-01T16:40:00.000-07:00

Me and all my rocks at Alton Baker Park.

*****Click on "older posts" to read about today's experience with my last chemo.

Last Chemo!

2009-04-01T15:57:00.000-07:00

April 1, 2009

Today was festive and fun- strange for a chemo day, but it was the last one!!!!! I met with Dr. T and got some great answers. My ovarian removal surgery will be two weeks from tomorrow- April 16. I'll get my port out then too- yeah! He said there was no reason to leave it in. Double Yeah! Also in two weeks I'll meet with a radiation oncologist, get set up for some sort of scan, have a mold made of my breast, and find out how many days of radiation I'll get. I had to laugh when he said the radiation typically starts 30 days after the last chemo- that would put me starting on May 1st- May Day! Of course, another holiday. Wouldn't it be funny if the last day of radiation was June 12- my birthday?! I will go back in next week for a blood draw, then after that I'll go in every 3 months for a blood draw (I think for the first year), and any other testing I might need. He also said it's pretty rare to lose finger nails and that mine could just stay loose.

I got flowers from some friends and D brought in 8 huge pink balloons, with Chemo #1 through 8 written on them. My little chair area was quite festive! After the chemo, as I was leaving, the entire staff had gathered in the front office to give me a hug and a present and a card and to congratulate me. They are so very, very sweet. In the parking lot I took a knife and popped each of the balloons, did a cart wheel, and left!

During the chemo I wrote on my rocks,and we stopped off at the river to chuck them in. More pictures to follow. It felt SO GOOD to heave each one of those rocks into the water and to let each thing go. I did another cartwheel on the bridge and off we went to Sweet Life. We spontaneously met up with a few other friends and had a nice, yummy celebration.

I am mulling over an idea. I want to gather more river rocks and this time write all the positives that happened during this period. Then, I'd like to put them together into something permanent for me to keep. I'm thinking of cementing them onto a flower pot, or making a big stepping stone out of them for the garden, or something. A friend had an idea to make a clay mobil with each positive carved into a piece of clay and then string them all together.

I'm feeling a bit icky right now- too full of too much cake and tired. I'll try posting a few more pictures, then take a rest.

Here Goes!

2009-04-01T08:21:00.001-07:00

April Fools' Day, 2009

I've just dropped off the kids and am sitting at home waiting for my ride to my LAST chemo! For the first time, I'm excited to go so I can be done with it. I've got my cool new orange flower hat on, my bag full of rocks, and I'm ready!

Of course, me being the perpetual worrier, and a bit superstitious, I'm worried about it being April Fools Day. I'm meeting with Dr. T first (I met with him in the beginning, in the middle, and now at the end) and what if he tells me I need more chemo? I know this won't happen- he hasn't done any kind of tests that he would base a decision like that on. I just really, really want the chemo to be over and I'm so afraid that maybe it won't really be. Probably an unfounded fear. I do have lots of questions for him that I hope he can answer today- when is my surgery, when is the port coming out (I've heard some people have them left in for a year just in case they need more chemo), when do I meet with a radiation doctor, when do I start radiation, how many days will it be, what further tests will I get, and in general, what will the next few months look like for me. I've gotten into quite the two week routine with chemo and as much as I like my routines, this is one I'll be HAPPY to break. I just would like to know what my new routine is going to be.

Update on my nails. They have not fallen off! They are still loose on the nail beds, and I can see kind of a hallow area underneath them, and there is a gross smell about them. At first I thought it was the fish gloves. In Seaside, I loaned Karina my gloves so she didn't have to touch the dead fish she was feeding to the seals at the aquarium. They spent the rest of the trip wadded up in the trunk. Yesterday F and I put the finishing touches on the garden fence, and I wore the gloves to protect my nails. When I took them off, I noticed a strange fish-like oder. I've since washed my hands many times, and tried using lemon juice on them too. But, this morning there is still a strange odor that seems to be coming from underneath my finger nails. Guess I'll add that to a rock-stinky finger nails. Just one more thing to put up with for a short while, then it'll be gone!

I'm also SO excited that I'm almost done with the steroids! Just a few days of them. This last time I didn't get the depression like before. Even when I was so fatigued and laying in bed, there was no depression. Someone asked me what the difference is between fatigue and depression. For me, laying in bed with depression means as I lay there, thoughts go through my head about how I wish I wasn't laying there and about how I wish I was up doing something fun. With just the fatigue, the thoughts that go through my head are all about how good it feels to lay in bed and how my bed is so comfortable and how I'm so tired and I hope the kids leave me alone so I can just rest.

I've been warned that many people have the hardest recovery period after the last chemo. It's the max amount the doc feels the body can take, so with the last one, the body is completely saturated. I've been told to expect 2-3 weeks of the fatigue to continue and to expect that it might be even worse than what I've experienced so far. Ok, I can be prepared for that. But, my work schedule is picking up some in April, so how am I going to do that with fatigue? I'm hoping that I will be the exception and that with acupuncture and the naturopath, I'll be ok. I do need to keep going to bed early- I'm usually in bed now by 9:00 instead of my normal time of 11:00. And I might need to skip my 8:00 outdoor soccer games for the next month or so. No matter what, I'll manage and nothing can be as bad as the first chemos with all the nausea and misery.

Ride's here, time to go!

A Better Day

2009-03-30T21:19:00.000-07:00

3/30/09

Today was a much better day. I woke up feeling just as fatigued and worn out as yesterday, but I got up anyway. I had agreed a few weeks ago to speak this morning at an alanon meeting, and I didn't want to miss it. The topic was the 4th step, and it's an important one for me right now. It's the step where I take an inventory of the strengths and weaknesses of my character. As I was speaking at the meeting, I realized that I've learned so much about myself over the past 4 months. As much as the cancer experience has sucked, it's also been a rich learning experience for me. After the meeting, I felt pretty good and had some energy. The girls and I ended up having a nice end of spring break day.

I've been trying to come up with some way to celebrate my last chemo on Wednesday. Nothing seemed quite right until D suggested writing things on rocks and tossing them into the river. We came up with the idea to write out all of the crappy stuff from the cancer over the past 4 months- one per rock. We went to Mt. Pisgah today and I picked up a rock for each crappy thing. I was surprised at how many rocks I got, and at how much stuff I will get to let go of on Wednesday. My plan is to take the rocks to chemo and write on them, then afterwards go to the bridge at Alton Baker park and toss them in. In a weird way, I'm kind of excited about Wednesday!

The Finish Line

2009-03-30T08:02:00.000-07:00

3/30/09

I suppose this is like a marathon, where the hardest part is the very end. I got back from our trip completely exhausted and sick with yet another cold. I was so fatigued yesterday that I spent the day in bed. I got a lot of rest, and a good night's sleep last night, and I woke up this morning still exhausted and still with this cold. My eyes are all goopy and stuck together, my nose is stuffed, and I've got yet another cough. I'm nervous about getting more chemo on Wed as I don't feel strong and I don't feel like I've bounced back enough yet.

On a positive note, I still have my eyebrows and my eye lashes, and even my nails. Although I'm not sure my nails will be around for much longer. Several of them are very painful and I can feel that the nails are loose and are lifting away from the nail bed. It's freaking me out and it's grossing me out. From what I read on the internet, they could either stay loose like that, or they could fall out. I'm tempted to put tape around them to keep them on.

I'm disappointed because outdoor soccer starts this week and there is no way I'll be able to play. I am grateful for all the games I did get to play. This is just hard for me right now. I am having a hard, hard time with having no energy. It does help I suppose that it was expected. I was told that the chemo is cumulative and that it gets very hard at the end. One woman told me that she went from taking a few days off of work after chemo to taking a full week of towards the end. I'm glad it's spring break for me still this week so I don't have to use any more of my sick leave. It'll be better once the girls go back to school tomorrow as I can rest without worrying about them.

Spring Break

2009-03-28T20:16:00.000-07:00

3/27/09

The girls and I are on spring break now and I am SO happy to have a rest from work. We drove over to Seaside on Wednesday and are staying through Saturday. I was nervous on Wed as I had to have my blood checked first. Luckily it was ok enough for me to go. I did need yet another shot, and they gave me one to go. I am now giving myself my own shots- I NEVER thought that would happen. It gives me the independence to do things like this short trip and it feels good that the shots, which used to freak me out so much, are now not such a big deal.

My fatigue has been pretty intense, but I was determined to take this trip. I’ve just had to do things a bit differently. We took breaks on the drive over, and I’ve just slowed the pace way down. It is our tradition to come to Seaside each spring break, and it is typically a very active vacation, with lots of walking, hiking, playing tag, and running along the beach. Yesterday we drove up to Ft. Clatsop and had our first outdoor picnic of the season. We were wearing our winter coats, but it was great to be outside anyway. And it didn’t rain! I was feeling so good in the fresh air that I took the girls on a short walk through the forest. I cannot even begin to describe how nice it felt to be walking through the forest with my daughters. It really renewed my spirit. I got tired pretty quickly, so we headed on up to Astoria and played in the indoor water park for a few hours. I got to relax in the hot tub and I was able to play tag in the water with the girls. We typically climb up the Astoria column and throw paper airplanes off the top, but I knew that’d be too much for me. So we rode the trolley along the river instead. It was full of families with very young children and elderly people. Just my crowd at the moment. The girls were a little bored, but I was happy to be sitting. I got more and more tired, though, so we headed back to our cottage and spent the evening watching t.v, which is a big treat for the girls so they were happy.

Today they both really want to go to the beach and fly kites. It is cold and drizzly and I am out of energy already and it’s just 1:00. I’ve had a nice bath in the Jacuzzi tub here in the cottage, and Kaycee is making lunch for all of us. She has really stepped up and helped out so much on this trip. I figure I can wrap up in blankets and just watch while the kids play. I’m hoping the cold air will be refreshing!

I am so very, very grateful for the alternative treatments I’ve been getting. My finger pain is gone. My finger tips went a bit numb after the last treatment, but not too bad. I am so grateful for how well I’ve done with all of these treatments. I cannot believe I’ve only got one more to go. In 5 days I will be ALL DONE with chemotherapy! Sure, I’ll still have the recovery period to get through after the last one, but I’ll be done!

3/38/09

Back Home

We made it back home today. It rained and rained and I am SO tired from the long drive. Yesterday we made it to the beach, and we did fly kites, and we got soaked in the rain. And, it was fun anyway. I ended up hitting a wall right in the middle of dinner. I got so tired and my muscles started aching so much. I rested on the couch and the girls finished up dinner and cleared and rinsed the dishes. They have both grown up so much these past few months. It seems to make them feel good about themselves when they are able to help me out. Before we left Seaside today, the girls wanted to go shopping in a little indoor shopping place with a big carousel in the middle of it. I woke up tired today and knew that I didn’t have the energy to take them shopping. I ended up giving them their cell phone and sitting in a little coffee shop sipping tea while they shopped on their own. They LOVED the independence so much. They would go into one shop, then check back in with me, then go on to another shop. They bought each other a present and bought one for me. It was very sweet. I am so proud of my girls and so happy that my having cancer didn’t ruin their lives like I thought it would.

I was exhausted when I got home, and we were all starving. We walked in and my sweet friend D was there with the house all warm, the lights on, and hot pizza waiting for us. And, she filled all my vases with orange roses (the color recommended to me by one of my wise women). F had been working on my garden while I was gone, and D and a neighbor had mowed the lawn. I now have 3 raised beds with a gated fence around them to keep the deer out. Even though it is pouring down rain, I can look out the window and imagine my garden oasis after I get to do some planting. I am so touched by these sweet people in my life. My vacation with the girls was nice and we had a chance to really connect with each other. And I am so happy to be back home!

2009-03-28T20:15:00.000-07:00

The Steroid Ride

2009-03-20T15:48:00.000-07:00

3/20/09

I had a phone consult with my naturopath about depression and fatigue. I got some reassuring news and some frustrating news. She said that the depression is directly related to the steroids. Apparently, the steroids mess up neurotransmitters in my brain, and affect my seratonin levels, along with disrupting my sleep cycle. I take the steroids for 3 days, then stop- the sudden stopping of them is also a problem as my body gets such a sudden withdrawal. The only thing I can do about it now is to get as much sunlight as possible (ha ha in Oregon) and take melatonin at night. She said once the chemo is over she can give me herbs and nutrients to help return my brain chemistry to normal. It's helpful knowing what is causing it, and it's also helpful knowing that it will probably return in the next few days as the steroids where off. But, even having that knowledge doesn't make the feelings I get any easier. As for the fatigue, she said that it is my body's way of telling me to rest. She said that if I could see inside my body, I would see a tremendous amount of energy being put into healing the massive amounts of cellular damage the chemo has done. She said that being this far into it, my body is maxed out and it's expected that the fatigue will be worse this week and after the last round. The steroids give me a false sense of energy and I have a tendency to over do my activity level when I'm on the steroids, then the fatigue is even worse when it hits. So, bottom line is I'm supposed to get as much rest as possible, even if I'm feeling like I've got energy. I had a strong desire to go skiing today. I was actually going to go, but realized that I didn't have the energy last night to even gather up the equipment. Bad idea. I went to the library today and had to rest on the stairs I got so tired going up. So, as hard as it is, I'm going to try to take it easy. I've got a bunch of good movies and books and two weeks off work. I've rented a cute little house in Seaside for the girls and I for a few days, so if I can just get through the drive there, I'm hoping to have a restful vacation. The house has two nice t.v.s and a bunch of movies, and the town has a nice swimming pool with hot tub, so it should be restful. I have never watched so many movies in my life! Either have the girls- hope they can readjust once we go back to limiting screen time!

I'm starting to have a bit of anxiety about the next step- having my ovaries removed. I am struggling emotionally with facing the end of my fertile years. There is some grieving going on, made more difficult by the depression piece. I really don't want any more children, and haven't for awhile. But, facing menopause was not something I had even thought about yet. It was something that I was going to think about in 10 years or so, not at age 39. I really know nothing about it, and don't really know what having no ovaries and no estrogen will do to my body. The naturopath did say that the lack of estrogen can cause depression too, but she's confident that it can be managed with herbs and supplements. I'm trying really hard to place trust in my wise women helpers. My one wise woman today promised me that I would be ok without ovaries. A few women have talked to me a bit about menopause and all have reassured me that it isn't terrible. I think for me it's the fear of the unknown.

Karina is home sick again- yesterday and today. So, I've had a little rest buddy which has been nice. It can get lonely resting at home day after day after day.

On a happy note, today is the first day of spring and I bought some sunflower seeds. My wise woman suggested surrounding myself with oranges and reds- something about these colors helps to support the upcoming loss of my ovaries and helps me to find joy and acceptance about this new phase in my life. So, the sunflower seeds will be planted in both the front and the back yard. I usually buy myself pink roses for my chemo week, but next time I'll get some bright orange spring flowers.

I never thought spring would get here. It's been a long, hard winter and I'm so glad it's over!

Courage

2009-03-17T17:23:00.000-07:00

3/17/09

One of my sources of strength is a daily reader from Alanon called Courage to Change. Here's today's reading:

No problem lasts forever. No matter how permanently fixed in the center of our lives it may seem, whatever we experience in this ever-changing life is sure to pass. Even pain.

Difficult situations often bring out qualities in us that otherwise might not have risen to the surface, such as courage, faith, and our need for one another. All of our experiences can help us to grow.

But we may need patience. Some wounds cannot be healed quickly. They must be given time. In the meantime, we can appreciate the new capabilities we are developing, such as the capacity to mourn and the willingness to accept. Let us share our losses and triumphs with each other, for that is how we gather courage.

Today's Reminder: Remembering that this too shall pass can make it easier to get through a difficult day. I will be very gentle with myself during this time. Some extra loving care and attention to myself can make everything a little easier.

The Ghouls

2009-03-15T16:58:00.000-07:00

3/15/09

The ghouls disappeared for a while, but came back again this morning as I tried to get up and get going with the day. I wondered if they could follow me everywhere, or if there was to be any escape. I had a morning soccer game, and I haven't played in a couple of weeks, so I decided to go. It was hard not to just crawl back under the covers and spend the day in bed with the ghouls- they were really tugging at me. But I kicked them off and got dressed and went to soccer. It turns out they couldn't follow me onto the soccer field! I forgot all about them for a whole hour. No goals today, just a hard ball in the face. I don't care though, it felt so good to be playing. After the game, I figured I had lost them, but when I got home, they were waiting for me. They grabbed hold of me as soon as I stepped into the house and I started sobbing. I was exhausted, so I decided to lay down for half an hour and let them do what they wanted with me. They crawled into bed with me and said cruel things, like about how I could only play soccer for 10 minutes at a time before needing to rest. They snickered about how I used to be able to play a whole game without subbing out and now I was too weak. I let them say what they wanted, knowing they were just trying to pull me into the muck. After 30 minutes I got up and got lunch for the girls. Karina had her final basketball game today, and they didn't follow me to the game. Her team won the championship and I was so happy and proud of her! I'm home now and back in bed. I'm very tired, but the ghouls seem to be satisfied with the 30 minutes I gave them earlier, so they are gone for now. Fucking Bastards. D is taking the girls and I out for dinner to celebrate basketball, and the ghouls are NOT invited!

Lurking Ghouls

2009-03-14T17:25:00.000-07:00

3/14/09

Depression for me is like lurking ghouls grabbing at my ankles, trying to pull me down into a pile of muck. I haven't really had to tangle with them since I went through THE DIVORCE 4 years ago. Back then, I couldn't sleep well at night, and I would wake up fatigued and exhausted, and I was in such a weakened emotional state that it was hard to fight them off. I finally went to my doctor, and he wanted to put me on anti-depressants. But I felt that if I could just shake the exhaustion and sleep at night I'd be ok. So he gave me sleeping pills instead, and once I was able to sleep at night, the ghouls went away. Yesterday they were back again, I think because the fatigue gave them an opening. I was driving to work and I could feel them at my ankles, pulling me down. I've learned over the years in alanon how to fight them. The key for me is EXTREME self-care. For me this means good food, companionship, exercise, time outside, prayer, and rest. I started of with getting myself a veggie juice from Capella, then called a friend. I had to go into work and usually that's enough to distract me, but it didn't work yesterday. I had trouble controlling my tears and I was so impatient with myself. I'm not really sad about anything in particular, just very much worn down and tired and my body has been under siege for 4 months now. After work I got out for a walk and got to enjoy the sunshine for almost an hour. When I got home I crawled into bed for a rest, and I went to bed early and got a good night's sleep. I'm ok now, but the ghouls creep me out and I really, really don't want them in my life. This morning I was looking out at the grey sky and I could feel them grabbing at me again. I fought them off this time with some music, a good breakfast, and by talking to some friends. I made it through the day, and I'm having a rest now before making dinner. I feel like I've been fighting off the ghouls all day, but I think they're gone now. I'm trying to accept the fact that I may be fatigued for the next month or so. If I can just accept that, and take it easy, I think I'll be ok. I miss my old self- the one with all the energy that could take the girls on outings and keep up with their energy level. I'm reminded of that image I had way back when during one of my MRI's where I could see the tree with the autumn leaves blowing on it. I had the thought that my body would be going into a period of rest, like the tree, for awhile. But, I would bloom in the spring. Well, it's getting to be spring and everything around me is blooming, but I'm still in my period of rest. It's frustrating. In my mind I'm hurling insults and sharp objects at the ghouls around my ankles. I'm determined. They WON'T get me!

A Day of Rest

2009-03-12T19:45:00.000-07:00

3/12/09

I was all set last night to have a restful night's sleep. Both D and F came over after the kids were in bed to give me some nurturing attention. My house was a wreck from not having the energy to clean, but D got me caught up on some of it. F made me laugh, and that always has a way of chasing pain off. I would have slept well, but Kaycee got sick in the middle of the night and woke up over and over needing this and that. I was exhausted by morning and we both stayed home. I ended up getting what my body probably really needed- a day in bed. It was a little hard having to take care of Kaycee, but I could empathize with her. It sure does feel good to have someone to take care of you when you don't feel well.

It's evening now and my muscles don't ache any more. Yeah! I'm still tired though, but not in that incapacitating way. I've been spending SO much time in my bedroom. A few years ago I splurged and bought myself a nice bedroom set for mother's day. I am so glad I did, because my bed is so comfortable and I like being in my bedroom.

Fatigue

2009-03-11T20:58:00.000-07:00

3/11/09

The feel good euphoria from last week is totally gone at the moment. Tonight was day three of getting into my jammies and getting into bed right after work. The muscle ache is still there, and the fatigue is overwhelming at the moment. I did get out for a 20 minute walk yesterday after work. I figured if I was going to end up in bed for the evening, at least I was going to have the memory of a walk to think about. I went to the Amazon trail and it was cold and hailing, but it felt good to be outside. My legs hurt so bad that I couldn't walk fast enough to get warm. I felt like an old, old, lady hobbling along. Pretty soon an old lady in tennis shoes speed walked right by me and I almost cried. This is the trail that I was running on just last fall, and here I was, hobbling along. Today I thought about a walk, but couldn't do it. I worked at a few preschools today and drove to Junction City, which is about a 30 mile round trip. I had enough energy to get through the day, but the effort it took exhausted me. I had a visit with my counselor and she could see how exhausted I was, so she had me lay down on the couch with a blanket and a pillow during our session. I could have slept for hours. Getting out of bed in the morning continues to be difficult too. I'm just so tired. I wonder if this is going to pass, or if this is the fatigue that I was told about that would happen towards the end of chemo.

The kids continue to be kind and understanding and tonight they picked up a few extra chores again and even took care of my dishes after dinner. We have strange dinners- combinations of left overs and of whatever I can grab out of the fridge. Tonight it was pizza pockets, beef stew, and pears. They don't find our meals strange at all, and I consider it a MAJOR accomplishment when we eat a meal that is hot.

My fingers look and feel like they've each been smashed by a hammer. I bumped a finger today on the counter and the pain was horrible. I really need to put nail polish on them so I at least don't have to look at the bruising, which I know I was told it's "pigmentation change", but it sure looks and feels like bruising to me.

I know I have less than a month to go, but I can't be spending every evening in bed, not with the weather being so sunny and it staying light later. I got the girls some craft materials, so at least they had fun tonight creating decorated purses and hats. I really wanted to do something fun with them outside. I can't wait till it's warm enough for the hammocks and I can just lay in one in the sun while they play in the back yard.

I called my acupuncturist for some ideas, and she suggested a hot bath, arnica cream, and eating ginger and greens. I know self-care is important right now, but it took a huge effort to roll over, get the arnica cream, and put it on. I did it though, along with the bath and the ginger. I also put more St. John's Wart on my fingers and called a friend who is bringing me a fresh veggie juice soon. And I took some motrin and ativan. The doctor told me to just take whatever I needed to take to get through the pain because it's important that I continue on with the chemo. I was also reminded to LISTEN to my body and do what it is telling me to do. It is telling me to REST right now, so that's what I'm supposed to be doing. This is very, very hard for me to do. I was also reminded that I WON'T feel this way for ever and that the end is in sight. I got scared tonight, thinking that I was going to feel this way for the rest of my life. Kind of like when that tube was in my body for 3 weeks- I felt like it was never going to come out. And now I can barely remember what it felt like. This too shall pass. This too shall pass. Maybe I should just embrace it and get some good books and movies and settle in for a few evenings of leisure. Painful leisure.

Random Feelings

2009-03-09T18:13:00.000-07:00

3/9/09

Oh, my aching body! I don't remember having the body pain last this long before. It sucks. I'm sure it's related to the shot. I had one more to go today, but I called and asked if I could skip it and they agreed! I figure if my bones are aching this much, they must be making massive amounts of white blood cells at the moment and probably don't need any more help. Last night was the time change, so getting out of bed was really hard this morning. Plus, it was cold and snowy today. I did make it out of bed and even got the girls to school on time. By about 8:30 I was ready to be done with work, though, and really, really wanted to go back home and go to bed. But, I also was having a yearning to have a normal day. I've missed so much work the past few weeks that I just wanted to have a normal work day. I got through my morning then stopped off for a coffee. I had to give up coffee when the chemo started because it just wrecks my stomach. But today was cold and I was sleepy and I was craving a cup and so I splurged. Bad idea as once again it wrecked my stomach. So in addition to the body ache, I have stomach cramps too. Lucky me! By the end of the day, though, my spirits were much better. Even though I physically am feeling crappy, my mood is good. I feel like I put in a productive day at work and I like having a normal day. I'm starting to look forward to getting back to my regular, routine schedule. There's a certain comfort in routines that I've been missing.

I'm home now and got straight into my pj's and am planning on spending the evening in bed. I was able to pull together a quick dinner, thanks to yummy left overs, and I asked the girls to take care of a few extra chores for me. They are such good kids- they are being kind and cooperative at the moment. I am so thankful that they have gotten to be more independent since this all started. One of my biggest fears was how would I be able to take care of them, and it's turned out to be manageable.

Even though I didn't make it to soccer yesterday and I didn't feel great, I still got to do something I love- get a start on my garden. F came over and built some raised beds for me and a few neighbors pitched in with shoveling soil and I spent a couple of hours outside, helping as much as I could. We finished up just as it began to snow and after getting warm and dry, I had a nice long rest on the couch. I keep looking outside at the garden beds, full of rich soil, just waiting to be planted. It gives me such joy to look at them- it reminds me that soon new life will be bursting forth and that makes me feel so hopeful and joyful. I know that when my garden is in full bloom, I'll be done with my treatments, and seeing the beds just waiting to be planted makes me feel like the end is in sight.

I asked the physician's assistant for more details on my next steps. She said that it would take 2-4 weeks after the end of chemo for my immune system to bounce back, and about that long for me to start feeling better. Then comes the surgery to remove my ovaries. Recovery should be about 4 days of bed rest and a week or two of taking it easy and no soccer. After I recover, I start radiation. After radiation I'm planning on spending the summer in extreme self-care so I can get my strength back. Actually, I hope to keep up the self-care piece and make it more of a focus in my life. Right now I'm trying to focus on having FUN, along with taking good physical care of myself.

I've had a couple of God-shots this past week (these are things that happen in our lives that could only be orchestrated by a higher power). First, I bought the new dryer and put it on my credit card, hoping that I'd figure out how to pay for it later. Second, I got my big bill from the doctor's office. I haven't seen a bill since December and I was sort of in denial, hoping it would never come. I haven't had the energy to figure out my bills, so I just haven't been looking at my bank statements (denial works for awhile!) Here's the God shot- I found out recently that I got a grant that will pay for my portion of the chemo drugs and for the shots that I need. And, I just got a check in the mail from a friend who wanted to donate something to me, in just the amount that I needed to cover this doctor's bill! As soon as I saw the check, my first response was, "This is ridiculous. I'm NOT taking this money." Then I saw the amount and realized that it matched my doctor's bill and I figured it must be a God-shot. I also had a strong feeling that I will be able to do for others what people are doing for me. I just know that one day I will be in a position to provide that God-shot for someone else. I am SO looking forward to being a person that helps others instead of being the recipient of the help.

Another great thing happened this weekend- Kaycee finished her basketball season! When the chemo first started, both girls were starting basketball and I had no idea how I'd get them to all their games and practices. I really wanted their lives to stay as normal as possible, so I signed them up and hoped I'd figure it out later. Thanks to the help of MANY people, they were able to make most of their games and practices and their lives stayed pretty normal. Karina finishes next week and then I can relax a bit until she starts soccer.

I am so looking forward to acupuncture tomorrow and I hope she can work her magic and make this body pain disappear!

Day 3 post chemo

2009-03-07T18:48:00.000-08:00

Ok, it's payment time for the chemo. I am back to having daily shots for 4 days in a row, and I am having the muscle/body ache thing from that right now. And, I'm SO tired right now. I have been all day. Of course, I can't entirely blame the chemo- Kaycee woke up way early with a stomach ache, so I didn't get much sleep. My finger pain is peaking at the moment. I had planned on doing something fun with the girls tonight, but just decided to rent them a movie and stay in instead. I had a hard time getting my movie card out of my wallet due to the finger pain and impaired mobility. I'm taking my enzymes and using all my oils, but I guess it's not working too great at the moment. My tongue and mouth are developing sores, so eating is not fun, and I've got bad heart burn, which makes swallowing food difficult. So, I'm not getting off completely chemo free this time.

Time for some gratitude. I was told that the chemo would get progressively harder as it went along. Right now it is supposed to be pretty hard for me. I've got to say, in spite of how crappy I feel at the moment, it is not getting harder for me. I remember back to Christmas time when I couldn't get off the couch and I couldn't eat and I was so miserable. I think things are changing for me, but not necessarily getting harder. Yeah!

I had grand plans of playing soccer tomorrow, but my muscles feel like they've already played a game. A friend reminded me that as awesome as it is to be the soccer playing chemo patient, I don't need to be that all the time. I can also do some self-care and take time to rest. I just took some ibuprofen, and I'm going to take a hot mineral bath, so hopefully that will help. Just two more rounds, and I've got LESS than a month to go. 3 months down, 24 days to go! I feel like I'm in a race and I can see the finish line.

I am SO grateful for the meals that have still been coming my way. Tonight was one of those nights when I couldn't get off the couch and if not for the meal delivered, the girls would have had cheese and crackers and I probably would have had yogurt for dinner. I am so amazed and lucky to live in a community of awesome, caring people.

Feeling Good!

2009-03-06T14:25:00.000-08:00

It's day two after chemo and I'm feeling good! I'm so surprised. I am feeling a bit tired, but no big deal. What's the difference this time? Not sure. I haven't been feeling nauseated, so I haven't been taking the medication for that. That medication can really zonk me out. I have been getting good results from acupuncture- she started doing some points for my hand pain. And, I saw the naturalpathic oncologist yesterday. She gave me some enzymes for the finger pain, and something for my immune system. She also recommended 10 mg of melatonin for sleep so I can work on giving up the sleeping pills. I actually have had about a week now with good sleep, no nightmares, and no sleeping pills. I've been using some homeopathic stuff a friend gave me, and it seems to be working well. My hand pain is still there, but either I'm getting used to it or it's getting better, because it's not too bad. I do have some discoloration on my finger nails that I thought was bruising, but it turns out the chemo causes pigmentation changes. It may be why I'm looking so tan lately!

The girls had no school today and I was worried about having them home with me, but I felt so great that we went for a walk at Alton Baker Park to see some cool heron's nests. There is a big tree where a bunch of herons all moved in together and it looks like a big bird condo. It is such a lovely day today- we saw a huge purple bush all in bloom and plenty of daffodils.

I'm going to someone new today to learn how to do lymph massage on myself. She's a woman who has survived ovarian cancer, and she has managed her swollen leg (where she had lymph nodes removed) by doing lymph massage.

I had a body talk/reiki session a few days ago that turned into a sort of telling of my future. The woman said I was really healthy and that my organs were all doing well. She said that the last two rounds of chemo would be easy. She said that I'd be getting a PhD in something in the next 10 years and that it would come easy for me. Cool! I don't know how much I believe in fortune telling, but I really trust this woman's instincts. It's exciting to think about my future. I was a bit afraid to think about my future when I first got diagnosed, but I'm not now. I fully expect to live to 90 or even beyond, and to be in good health.

Time for a photo

2009-03-05T19:15:00.001-08:00

Getting my 6th round of chemo.

Two more to go!

The Pre-Chemo Jitters, Again

2009-03-03T17:53:00.000-08:00

3/3/09

Here I am, again, another Tuesday before chemo and I can't stop crying. I thought I'd be ok this time because I didn't think I was too scared. But, I stopped in at Sears today to buy a dryer. Mine broke a few days ago and I feel the need to get another one now, before I fall too far behind on laundry. The salesman started asking me too many questions and all of a sudden I felt inadequate (like I have no idea if my plug is the "old" kind or the "new" kind, and no, I don't know how to take the old kind off my dryer and put it on the new one to make it work) and I started crying. I was mortified! I held it back the best I could and finished up and ran to the bathroom and got myself together some and left the store. I had a work meeting to go to next and I had about 20 minutes to get my act together, but I just couldn't stop crying. It really caught me by surprise and I wasn't sure what exactly I was crying about. Somehow I got through the work meeting and went to my acupuncture appointment. I remembered that I usually walk in there crying the day before my chemo. And I always get past it. It's just so frustrating that going to chemo never gets easier.

Today I asked the acupuncturist to help me with my finger pain. The pain has started interfering with me trying to do daily tasks, such as open packages (I'm surprised at how many little packages I'm always opening- tea bags, packs of cheese and lunch meat, toilet paper wrapped in plastic, etc.) I have no strength to tear things open. And, I'm starting to have trouble gripping things with my fingers, like when I try to pick up a flat piece of paper off a table, or even a pencil. So, I found myself with the usual needles in, plus a whole bunch in my feet and toes (which somehow helps my fingers) and with burning moxa stick being applied to my finger tips. I felt like a weird pin cushion. I have so much trust and faith in my acupuncturist that I didn't even mind that the foot/toe needles were painful going in. So far everything she has done for me has improved my side effects. The emu oil has taken care of the hand rash and now my hands are just dry, but NOT bumpy and itchy.

After the acupuncturist I went into Capella for a beet/veggie juice to help bolster up my body for tomorrow. I ran into Nurse Rugby shopping with his cute little boy. It was nice to see that he is a normal guy- just a dad shopping with his kid, and not just the guy that jabs needles into me.

I'm home now and I'm so tired. I just want to head to bed, but I still have homework to help with and kids to interact with and things to get ready for tomorrow. Karina is mad about something small, which means that she is picking up on my mood, which is a big bummer because I've been in such a good mood lately and so have the girls. I hate to see that going away.

I guess my big fear right now is that I may loose my finger nails. It seems so gross to me. Actually, I'm really hopeful that between the acupuncturist and the naturalpath that I'll be seeing on Thursday, I'll be ok. I guess when it comes right down to it, I'm just having some emotions and I'm sure that's perfectly normal to have in the middle of chemo. It's just not too convenient when they decide to come in the middle of SEARS!

A Goal!

2009-03-01T14:49:00.000-08:00

3/1/09

First off, I scored a goal in soccer today! This is a huge deal for me for several reasons. First of all, I've been sick with a cold/sore throat/cough thing all week. So I didn't get my feel good week between chemo. I was feeling a bit better today, but having trouble getting out of bed this morning. It's a grey day and rainy and although I slept well, I am starting to feel fatigued. I called D for a pep talk and she reminded me that I could always go to the game and just sit and watch and that would feel good too. Or, I could play for 2 minutes and be done. I got dressed and went, and I felt so good out on the field. When I'm right in the middle of playing soccer, I don't think about my health or chemo or any of it. I just have fun. I get to recall that feeling later on in the week when I'm in bed feeling like crap from the chemo. When I decided to start playing again, I knew I wouldn't be making any goals and I was just happy to be playing. So today felt especially sweet. I can still play soccer and I can still score goals!

I learned from another of Dr. T's patients that he talks about his patient that plays soccer during chemo to new patients. It's a little intimidating and really cool that I get to be that soccer playing chemo patient!

I had a terrible rash on my hands- a side effect from the new chemo. I had it looked at on Friday and was told there isn't anything that I can do about it but take benadryl. It has been itchy and annoying, and the pain in my finger tips and underneath my nail beds has come back. My herbalist recommended St. John's Wart oil for the pain, and Emu oil for the rash. I've tried both and finally today the rash is gone! The pain comes and goes and isn't too bad now. I got the name of a naturalpathic oncologist who is supposed to be able to help with side effects, so I'm going to make an appointment to see her. I was told by the staff Dr. T's office that my rash and finger pain will probably get worse with each treatment, and finally go away a few months after treatment is over. These are not side effect that I particularly enjoy, so hopefully I can use some alternative stuff to keep them under control.

Ok, we're celebrating tonight at the Olive Garden. Celebrating what? The fact that I feel good and that I have an appetite and that I played soccer and that the girls are doing great in basketball and that we're alive and well!

Happy

2009-02-26T16:19:00.000-08:00

2/26/09

I think I know why I'm happy right now. Funny that I've had this need to figure it out. I think I'm happy because I'm sick. First of all, being sick with a cold makes me feel so NORMAL. I simply have the same sickness that many people in Eugene have right now. And, when I started chemo, I was scared to death of getting sick. I thought that if I caught a cold while on chemo, it would end up turning into something awful and I'd end up in the hospital and the chemo would get delayed and this whole nightmare would go on forever. I'm HAPPY because I feel just like I always do when I'm sick- a little run down and tired. It has NOT turned in to a big hospital ordeal. Of course I'm taking extra efforts to take it easy so I'll get better. Overall, though, I'm starting to believe that I'm pretty healthy and strong. My finger tip pain is mostly gone, replaced by a weird rash on the back of my hands. Just a side effect I'm told. Not as bad as the poison oak I had a few years ago. So, even though this was supposed to be my good week and I ended up sick, I still FEEL GOOD!

The 3 Hour Blood Draw

2009-02-25T20:55:00.000-08:00

2/25/09

The good news is that I got my blood drawn today and my counts were fine. My blood is holding strong! The bad news is that Nurse Rugby took one look at me, heard my hoarse voice and my cough, and said I was probably dehydrated and needed fluids. Oh no, I thought, here we go again. I remembered what happened last time I needed fluids. He missed the port-a-cath the first time and the needle hurt really bad and I had that terrible nightmare that night and I was so depressed afterwards. I agreed to the IV, but asked to have it in my hand instead. Nurse Rugby looked at me like I was crazy, but agreed. He tried in my hand and it hurt SO MUCH and I remembered that IV's in the hand DO hurt and I remembered all the trouble I had in the hospital with them. Well, it didn't work in my hand, so I agreed to getting it in the port as long as I could ice it up first. I iced it for awhile, but it still hurt anyway. But, for some reason, my spirits were better today and I wasn't so freaked out. Nurse Rugby talked to me about the power of positive thinking, and he even sang to me while the needle went in, just like D did for me last time, so it was ok. But then, I looked at the bag of fluids and it was HUGE. I then thought to ask how long it would take and he said 2 HOURS!!! I guess I should have asked that first. He assured me that I would feel much better once I had fluids in me and that being dehydrated in the middle of chemo would cause big problems. I understood all that, but I had nothing with me to keep me occupied and I was surrounded by a bunch of chemo zombies and I wasn't getting any benadryl, so I couldn't be a zombie myself. Luckily they have a shelf full of books and I found one and read and had some gratitude for getting 2 free hours on a work day to read. The whole thing took a total of 3 hours. I treated myself to a nice lunch, some wheat grass, and a jamba juice afterwards. I don't think I'm going to have nightmares about it.

A few interesting things happened today. First, a beautiful woman walked into the treatment room. All the staff greeted her warmly and I tried to figure out what her relationship to the office was. She had long brown hair tied back in a pony tail, so I knew she wasn't a patient (you can't tie wig hair into a pony tail). She was dressed professionally and she had great perfume on, which I really appreciated because I was fighting down medical smell-induced nausea again. All the staff hugged her and even Dr. T came out and hugged her. They all talked about how long it had been since they'd seen her. I finally figured that she probably used to work there and was just in for a visit. Then, she sat down in the blood draw chair and had her blood drawn! Which must mean that she was a patient, long past her chemo, in for one of her yearly checks or something. It gave me so much hope to see someone on the other side of what I'm right in the middle of. I also read a small booklet written by one of Dr. T's former patients. It was on the bookshelf. It was about a woman who had breast cancer, a mastectomy, and chemo. 3 months after she was finished, there was cancer in her liver. She had more chemo and it made the liver tumor disappear. Then cancer was found in her brain. I this point I just knew she was going to die. But, this book was dated 2007 and she was writing about this happening in 1999. She went to OHSU and got some sort of laser treatment and the brain cancer was gone. She ends the book talking about how important it was that she got all her treatment and how she feels it's what's kept her alive. I can't imagine going through chemo twice. But, again, I got to see a glimpse of the other side. And, I spoke with a man today whose wife went through breast cancer last year. He told me how hard the chemo was, but how vibrant and alive and healthy she is now. So, many, many messages today about life on the other side. It doesn't seem terribly far off to me right now.

So, I am still sick. But oddly enough, my spirits are good and I feel happy. I can't stop coughing and my voice is hoarse. I've got an ok appetite and I've been drinking lots throughout the day. I had acupuncture yesterday and she did some points for the cough. She said it would get worse before it got better for the first day, so I guess today is my "worse" day.

I've been getting repeated messages from the universe about starting a meditation practice of my own. I've tried meditating in the past and it hasn't really worked for me. I now know many different breathing techniques and a bit about meditation. I've been thinking I'd like to set up a regular time each day. Early morning, before the kids get out of bed would be best. But, how am I going to drag myself out of bed? I'll have to think more on this.

Down Time

2009-02-24T19:23:00.000-08:00

2/24/09

It's been an interesting two days. Karina has been home sick, and I caught what she's got yesterday too. It's not as bad as some people have right now, but it's not fun either. It's a cold/cough/upset tummy thing. So she and I have been hanging out at home together, resting and watching movies. Part of it has been nice. It's fun to just hang out with her with nothing that we have to be doing. Part of it has been hard, though. This week was supposed to be my good week in between treatments. I have some fear around whether or not I'll be well enough to stay on schedule. It's so important to me that I stay on schedule because I want to finish sooner rather than later. I know full well that it is out of my hands, but I'm hoping to be ok anyway.

Karina has been working on some tough, long homework assignments and I've been helping her. It's SO NICE to have the time to help her. And, I've realized these past few days why I can't be super mom. It's impossible to work full time and still have the time that she needs for homework help when she gets these long assignments. I am envious right now of the parents that get to pick their kids up from school, have some free, fun, play time, then have the time to help them with their homework, all before dinner. One of my quality of life dreams is to be able to work less hours so I can do that for them for a few years. I need to put it up on my vision board.

I am missing my energy level right now. I am missing playing soccer right now. It's been FOUR MONTHS of taking it easy, and I'm so ready to be done! It's hard not to get frustrated at times. I am hanging on to my gratitude, though. I'm SO GLAD I went into this healthy and strong. Just like I've got a spare 20 pounds that I could lose, I also came into this with spare strength and wellness that I can lose and still be ok.

I have a blood draw tomorrow. I'm hoping on either high enough counts, or a super shot if I need it to beat this sickness!

Softer and Slower

2009-02-22T21:19:00.000-08:00

2/22/09

I had a rough weekend in terms of learning more lessons from cancer. The girls were away last night, so it was just me in the house. It was very quiet and I had time to reflect and think, probably too much time. I had a hard time sleeping. What did I reflect on? Partly the book I'm reading right now- "Eat, Pray, Love" I'm on the part where the woman is in India developing a spiritual practice. I realized last night that when I'm not busy and distracted by life is the time when I find to talk to God. I had a nice long conversation last night about lots of stuff, especially the state of my finger tips. I was asked recently what I want out of life when this is all over with. The thought that popped into my head was, "close, loving relationships". When I'm well, I focus so much of my time on getting through the day- getting the house cleaned, getting the chores done, getting the girls to do their homework, all in the mad rush to get them to bed and get my hour of alone time before bed. Today I was feeling so run down and tired and I had been missing them, so I just decided to try an experiment and slow down. I talked to God about what it would take for me to have close, loving relationships, and I guess I'm going to start finding out with the girls. I am very close to them, but I want to enjoy our time together in a different way. Today I tried to follow their lead. We ended up buying some art and material supplies and both girls created some clothes for the cats. They are in bed now, and the house is not in order as it usually is before bed. Instead, we've left some things out for them to come back to. I was softer with them today, and more at their pace. I took my time with Kaycee tonight, reading to her and tucking her in. She seemed to appreciate not being hurried off to bed. I sat with Karina for almost an hour and helped her with her homework. Before all this, the thought of slugging through 5th grade homework for an hour was the last thing I wanted to do. But tonight I focused on how lucky I am to be feeling well enough to participate with her homework. She seemed to appreciate the company and the help and we didn't fight at all like we sometimes do when homework gets frustrating.

I had the chance to participate today in an amazing womans' circle. It gave me a glimpse of how important relationships are to my quality of life. Again, it was a chance to slow down and really look at what matters in life. Lots to think about today.

Finger Tips

2009-02-21T21:10:00.000-08:00

2/21/09

One of the side effects of this chemo that gets some people is nerve damage in the finger tips, causing pain or numbness. As much as I hoped it wouldn't happen, it seems that my finger tips are being affected. They aren't numb, but they do hurt. I decided to try typing to see if I still can. I can, so it must not be such a big deal. I just keep wondering if I'm going to come through this unscathed or not. I still have my fingernails, so that's a good thing. I had a pretty good couple of days, all things considered. Very tired, but not sick. I went for a nice long walk this morning with Kaycee and it was SO NICE to be outside in the woods. We had a nice, relaxing time and I feel like we got to reconnect a bit. I've been missing the kids. I am looking forward to summer when I can just relax with them.

I tried cleaning out the garage today and found that I had no muscle strength to lift bins up onto shelves. But, I had the energy to get out there at least! My eyes are doing that funny thing again where it's not too easy to see to type. I am very tired right now. But, I'm typing! As long as my fingers don't fall off I guess I'm doing ok.

Something about being past the half way point really cheers me. I know I've got a week and a half to go before I have to do this again, but right at this moment I feel like maybe, just maybe, I can handle three more. I just hope my fingers don't get worse. It's not actually physically too terrible. More than anything it's just scary. I find myself asking how did I get to a place of being bald and having nerve damage in my fingers and being a single parent with breast cancer? The world can be a scary place. Tomorrow it will be ok again I know, after a good night's sleep. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and just need some moments of peace.

Managing

2009-02-20T18:30:00.000-08:00

2/20/09

I'm managing to do ok this time. No nausea! And I haven't even taken anything for it today. I've been super tired yesterday and today, but not really able to sleep. Got restless and bored yesterday. A good sign I think. Today was a gorgeous spring like day and I put the hammock up and ate lunch outside. I even had a short walk and saw my first crocuses of the spring. And, I have a happy daffodil blooming in my back yard.

My eyes aren't working to well right now. Not sure why- hope it's not the chemo. It's a bit hard to type. The nurse called today and said I may be getting bone and muscle aches as a side effect from the chemo and the shot tomorrow and that I could rely on my old friend vicodin if needed. Hope I don't need it! I don't miss the vicodin days! I've got two basketball games to get through tomorrow then the girls may have another sleep over. Which is so nice for me, even though I really miss them.

More later when my eyes are working better.

Made It!

2009-02-18T18:39:00.000-08:00

2/18/09

I made it through ROUND 5! I woke up this morning feeling pretty happy and good for some reason. I think having a chance to process through some grief and sadness yesterday cleared the way for feeling upbeat this morning. And, I think the acupuncture really helped. I am going to stick with that even after all my treatments are over.

I went in and my blood counts were good- white was perfect and red was just a tiny bit low. So, I feel like I've been doing something right to take care of myself. My cold is hardly there at all today- must have been the mugwart (sounds like something out of Harry Potter). I started off with an IV with more steroids and anti-nausea medication, followed by benadryl. Within a few minutes of getting the benadryl I was feeling drugged and sleepy and could hardly keep my eyes open. Soon I turned into one of the chemo zombies that I'm always getting freaked out by. I ended up drifting in and out of sleep all through the actual chemo treatment. The ice packs turned out to be not nearly as bad as I'd imagined. Instead of buckets for my hands and feet, they wrapped them in a flannel wrap with ice packs tucked inside. I was able to use my hands as needed. I wasn't up for watching a movie or writing or reading because I was so tired. My feet got pretty cold, but nothing unbearable. I brought a flax seed bag from home and had that heated and kept that on my body. D and M took turns reading to me, so it was all ok and the 4 hours passed pretty quickly. My chemo book of choice has been the Succulent Wild Woman and what I remember from today was a bit about getting together in groups of women for different purposes- to eat, to create art, to talk about finances in a fun way, to clean, to have fun. I would really like more of that in my life. I had such fun creating bras with the group of women (and of course the wise man F, who actually came and made a bra!) and I've gotten really good feed back from other women who were there about how much they enjoyed it too.

After the chemo I came home and had a nice long nap. It was so nice to be able to sleep and my house had been cleaned today and my bed freshly made, so I was super happy and comfortable. My counselor came for a home visit and we had a nice long talk. We talked about ways to get more involved with groups of women, and I like the ideas we came up with.

I took the steroids last night, and again today. I haven't felt any effects from them at all and they are just tiny little pills. I guess I won't be competing in the Olympics any time soon, but I can live with that. Two more doses tomorrow and I'm done until the next two weeks.

I was given the fund raising money yesterday from the Valentines Day fundraiser where my co-workers did a parents night out and babysat a bunch of little kids. I am so touched and happy about it. I would like to thank all of the women who gave up their Valentines night to do this for me. It means so very much to me. I have gotten enough fund raising money through that and other events to pay for a big chunk of my medical bills. This frees me up to continue with the alternative stuff- acupuncture, massage, chiropractic, etc. that I think is really helping to manage the side effects. So, a big THANK YOU to all who have helped me in this way.

Also, a big THANK YOU for all those who have helped with the girls. I think they do better when they don't have to be around me when I'm sick in bed.

And, a big THANK YOU to the yummy meals I've been getting for months now. It is so nice and helpful to not have to try to cook for myself and the girls when I'm just not hungry most of the time. The food has been nourishing, healthy, and delicious.

I truly believe that I live in one of the most amazing communities in our country. I am SO HAPPY that I decided to settle here.

All things considered, it was a good day.

Chemo Eve

2009-02-17T20:15:00.000-08:00

2/17/09

I had another up and down today and these extreme emotions, and my mild cold, have left me exhausted. I was so very tired when I got up this morning. More nightmares- this time too awful to even write about- and awake again at 3:00 am. I made it into work and tried to get started, but couldn't bear sitting at my desk. I left for a bit, called my counselor and left a long, rambling message, called a friend and talked for a bit, then went for a drive. I got myself a good juice drink and a sweet treat to eat and went back in to work. I was able to work for a few hours, but then hit a wall and started crying again. It really sucks to cry at work, so I went for a walk. I walked around the blocks near the college campus, and the sun was shining and there were lots of young, vibrant college kids out walking too. All the signs of life cheered me up a bit and I was able to go back and work for a bit. I ended up calling Nurse Rugby to talk about tomorrow. He explained how the day would go and what exactly I'd be getting. Three different pre-medications in my IV- stuff for nausea, steroids, and benadryl. Then they want to put my hands and feet in ice and start the chemo. He said that one bad side effect is pain/numbness/tingling in the hands and feet that can last for months afterwards. The ice is supposed to reduce or eliminate that side effect. Well, sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't. I go in at 8:30 and I'll be done by 12:00. If I start to have any bad side effects right away, the chemo is stopped and I get a different kind. I told Nurse Rugby how nervous I was and he pointed out that I've done quite well so far and I'll probably continue to do quite well. My friend pointed out that I'm playing soccer in the middle of chemo. Ok, intellectually I know I'll be ok, but my emotions weren't buying it. I even prayed on the bathroom floor this morning and felt......nothing.

In the afternoon I went to the acupuncturist and started bawling in the car on the way over. Talked to F on the phone and he reminded me of how far I've come and of how far away I am from my surgeries and all the trauma of first getting the news. I got to my appointment and was still bawling and I realized that I was feeling the same way two weeks ago on the day before my last chemo. Just like then, I'm feeling pretty good physically and my body must think that's a great time to process emotions. She did a bunch of needle points for various things, and a really weird, cool thing for my cold. She took something called mugwort, which is kind of like a thick stick of incense, lit it, and put it into a metal tube called a tiger...something. She then rubbed the tube along my sinuses. It felt really good but smelled like pot. She then did some points for depression, just like last time. I was SO relaxed while the needles were in and I thought about how different acupuncture is than getting needles at the doctor's office. I sank into a light sleep and when I got up, I felt calm, tired, and refreshed.

It is evening now and my uncontrollable crying has stopped and I feel much better, just very tired. Not so nervous about tomorrow. Not sure how I'm going to cope with my hands and feet being in ice for an hour and a half. I'm bringing my own blankets and flax seed pillows for heat. I HATE being cold. How am I going to type, read, etc. with my hands trapped? Luckily D is going with me and also my new friend M will be there. I don't think I'd want to do this one alone. The kids are all taken care of for the next few days too. I bought flowers today, and have some from Valentine's day and my room is full of the most beautiful spring flowers and pink roses. I'm ready. As ready as I can be anyway. Time for BATTLE.

Emotions

2009-02-16T14:12:00.000-08:00

2/16/09

I'm discovering that it's possible (but feels weird) to feel two opposite emotions at the same time. I've been on the verge of tears all day yesterday and today, although I can't really say why. It's been a nice weekend. I've been feeling good, I had an AWESOME date on Valentine's Day, and I've been able to spend lots of time with the girls doing fun things. I even slept well last night- no sleeping pill. Although I did have another crazy dream where the bad guys were chasing me and trying to stab my breasts with needles. They finally got me and began stabbing me, and the needles held a deadly poison, but it turns out I had had a double mastectomy, so they were just stabbing my fake boobs. Weird, weird, weird. I woke up and had a terrible sore throat and stuffed up nose and my eyes felt all weird, like when I've been crying. I think it's a cold trying to take hold. I got my self back to sleep by telling myself over and over again, "Sleep is for healing. Sleep is when I heal." I'm so sick of having a nightmare every time I don't take a sleeping pill. I wish I could control my dreams!

I woke up this morning and I had no energy and just felt so sad. I felt like I could have just stayed in bed all day. Which sucked because I had this grand idea of taking the girls on a day trip to the beach since we had no other plans and a free day off. I decided not to do that today, but I knew if I stayed in bed I'd just be sad, so I got up and took the girls out to a yummy brunch and we went roller blading a little bit. It was way too cold and I was way too tired, and it didn't cheer me up any. But, I know that it's WAY better to be sad outside on roller blades with kids than it is to be sad in bed with the door shut. I stopped off and got another beet/veggie drink and am drinking it now hoping it will perk me up. F tells me that I need to have lower expectations of my body right now. I suppose he's right, but I hate it. And, it's hard when I've got two active kids who are used to me being active with them.

So many friends have gotten together and had some fundraisers for me and the girls. Again, the duel feelings. I am SO GRATEFUL for this, and I'm a bit embarrassed to be someone who needs a fundraiser. I went to the bank today to deposit some of the money and I felt like such an impostor. It's the same feeling I had at the Y when I was asking for a scholarship. I feel like I'm lying about having breast cancer. It still seems so unreal to me and so far removed from who I am that to get money from people for medical bills feels really, really weird. Of course I am so very grateful, because the bills come on an almost daily basis, along with the insurance statements. I tidied my room yesterday and put all the bills and insurance statements together in a folder and there must be about a hundred pieces of paper there. It's really unbelievable. Sometimes I feel like I'm at a place of acceptance, and other times I feel so disconnected from this, like I am really still me and I'm trapped away somewhere and there is this impostor walking around in my body having cancer. I wish she'd take a hike so I can have myself back. I especially want my energy level back and my sunny outlook on life. I'm so restless right now. I want to be hiking Spencer's Butte, but instead I'm back in bed again and my body just wants to stay right here forever.

I'm starting to get nervous about the next round on Wednesday. This new stuff has a good chance of causing an allergic reaction, so they automatically give benedryl with it- I can't spell it and I've never taken it, but I hear it causes drowsiness. They give this next chemo slowly over half and hour, then wait to see if there is going to be a reaction, then give the rest of it. I have this irrational fear that it could kill me. It would really, really suck to die getting chemo in one of those gross chemo chairs. I know it's irrational, but it's a fear that's there any way. And, I HATE that feeling of being all doped up and not in control of myself. I hate not knowing how I'm going to react and when I'm going to feel better. This is extreme powerlessness. Which I know means I should be turning over my fears and the next few days to God. And I will. Once I'm done trying to manage it all.

Roller Blading!!

2009-02-12T19:01:00.000-08:00

2/12/09

I had a chance to go roller blading today. It was a beautiful, cool day and I had the energy and the time, so off I went. At first I thought I'd take it easy, then I had this sudden desire to go 4 miles like I always used to along the river. I got to mile 2 and turned back and was exhausted. I actually started getting tired about 1/2 mile into it and my legs started aching. This never used to happen. I struggled with the last two miles and actually had to sit on a bench and rest for a bit. I kept hearing my acupuncturist's words in the back of my head, "save 20% of your energy for healing". Today I thought to myself, "screw that! I need to be able to still go my usual 4 miles". I made it, but felt like I was roller blading through deep snow. It took over an hour and usually takes me about 30 minutes. I am still exhausted from it, but I am SO HAPPY that I did it and that I could do it. It's early evening and I've collapsed into bed, but I feel good! I had a chance to pray some while I was out, and I gave a great big THANKS for feeling so good and I mentally listed all the side effects that I've had, but was not having at the moment- mouth sores, stomach ache, gross poop, bone ache, urinary tract infection. I was SO HAPPY to be free of these! By the time I got back to the car, I was developing a mouth sore and could tell my poop was going to be gross. Go figure. But, I don't care! I can lie in bed next week after the chemo and feel like crap and remember that I roller bladed 4 miles along the river on a gorgeous day. And, I'm planning on playing soccer this weekend, so I'll have that to remember too.

I had a good appetite today and treated myself to some good food. I discovered that Jamba Juice sells the cheapest wheat grass juice I've found so far- $2.00 for an ounce and today the guy made too much and gave me 2 extra ounces for free! It tastes so gross- it taste like drinking grass. But, it's supposed to be a good detoxifier and my liver needs to be detoxified, so I drink it and am grateful.

For some reason I'm back to wearing the wig. At home I take it off, but feel the need to wear a hat. I had gotten used to my bald head, but I dislike it when I see it now. The stubble is almost gone and it's just so babyish and bare looking and it makes me sad. I saw a picture of myself in the wig and thought I looked normal. And, it's not so uncomfortable now. In fact, it's kind of comforting having it on. I saw a picture of myself right after the last chemo with a scarf on and I looked tired and sick. Of course I was tired and sick at the time, but it still bothered me. So, the wig's back for now. Who knows how I'll feel next week.

The flu is going around Eugene right now and I'm obsessively washing my hands. I wash them so thoroughly and so carefully and so often that they are drying out some. I am NOT going to get the flu. I'm trying to put HEALTH into the universe. I figured it out and I'll only have 1 1/2 months left after this weekend. I can do anything for 1 1/2 months. I can do it.

STOUT

2009-02-11T19:57:00.000-08:00

2/11/09

Stout. My doctor called me stout today. What a funny word. I immediately pictured a German barmaid I remember from Octoberfest in Germany years ago. I was in a really crowded bear hall in Munich and this woman was beautiful and sturdy, with big boobs spilling out of her dress, and she was TOUGH! She could carry 5 full, huge bear mugs in each hand and maneuver her way through thick crowds of people to deliver them. She just sort of parted the crowd with her ample hips and plopped the mugs down. Whenever I hear the word "stout", that's what I picture.

I went in for my half-way visit with the doctor, whom I haven't really seen since he yanked my tube out. I asked why I was getting 8 rounds of chemo when other people I know at the cancer center are getting 6. He said that because I was stout, young, and healthy, I could tolerate a more dense dose, and that it would give me a better chance of survival. I knew this already, but was sort of hoping he'd tell me I could just have 6 doses and be done. I've never thought of myself as stout before, but maybe I am in some way?

I went in for acupuncture yesterday and she did several points for depression (meaning she stuck needles in my bald head- weird I know, but it just felt like a little finger flick, then nothing). She also did some points for bone marrow and for appetite. I left there and was craving a Spanky's Bowl from Laughing Planet. I got one, and also some beet-apple-carrot juice. It all tasted SO good and I ate way more than I've been eating lately. I woke up this morning feeling so joyful. Also nervous about my doctor visit. But my white cels were up to 16 (no more shots when they are above 10!!!) and I was just so happy not to be getting any shots. Somehow I was happy talking to the doctor. I didn't have any major side effects going on, and I was able to report that the chemo had been over all getting easier rather than harder on me. This is amazing to me. Amazing. I felt really good and healthy (and stout) talking to him. It still stank in the office like medical stuff, and I had to keep sniffing my flower essence that D gave me. Dr. T said he'd investigate the smell- none of the office staff can smell it.

We talked about what would happen after chemo. First I decide if I want to keep my ovaries and take a drug that starts with a T for 5 years. It may be associated with a big increase in uterine cancer. Or, I could decide to have my ovaries removed and take a different drug that stops my pancreas from creating estrogen. This option has a greater survival rate for people with my kind of cancer, and doesn't increase the rate of uterine cancer. I decided in about a minute to have my ovaries removed. This will happen after the last chemo, once my white blood cells are back to normal. Probably a few weeks after the last chemo and I'm thinking it will be somewhere around the third week in April. It will be a 45 minute surgery where Dr. T makes some small incisions in my sides and clip/sucks them out somehow. He said the recovery is way easier than after breast surgery, but that I wouldn't want to play soccer for a bit because I'd be sore. The first time, way back, when he mentioned having my ovaries removed, I remember sobbing and feeling so sad. The thought of going through menopause sucked and scared me, and the thought of another surgery terrified me. But today, I was able to hold on to my good mood and so far I'm not bothered by it. The surgery doesn't scare me right now and losing my ovaries doesn't even bother me. I've already been having hot flashes at night (it's gross- I wake up soaking wet and bathed in sweat), but it's really not a huge big deal in the grand scheme of things. Dr. T asked me again to consider whether or not I wanted to have more children before deciding, and he went on to describe what can be done to preserve fertility. There is NO WAY I would want to put my body through a pregnancy after going through breast cancer, and I think I'd lose my mind if I had a third child to raise, so I told him again that I was really, really done having kids.

My good mood is still with me, even though I'm exhausted and the kids gave me hell again tonight and I lost my temper. I LOVE acupuncture and have a strong sense that that is what is helping me to feel over all pretty good. The acupuncturist listened while I described the possible side effects from the next chemo, then she pointed out to me that only some people get them and that they have to list all of the side effects anyone has ever gotten. Dr. T went over them again with me today and he said the same thing. He also said if the side effects suck too bad, he would stop that type of chemo and switch to another one. I'm still not thrilled with the 5 doses of oral steroids before each treatment (not even my good mood can cushion that), but I keep telling myself it'll only be for two months.

He also talked to me about radiation. I will meet with a radiation doctor and have another CT scan and a mathematical formula will be used to determine exactly how may days and how much radiation I will get. Dr. T said it will probably be between 5 and 6 weeks, beginning somewhere around the beginning of May. Looking at my calendar, I should be done by June 12th, my birthday!! This is way sooner than I had originally thought, so I'm really happy. I should be done with everything just in time to enjoy summer!!!!

Ok, the fatigue has won over. Time to stop for the night.

Not Ready Yet

2009-02-09T20:19:00.000-08:00

2/9/09

I've been waiting to feel better before reading about the next type of chemo I'll be getting. I was feeling better so I read about it a few minutes ago. It's called taxotere and I imagine it being toxictear because it sounds horrible. I had to laugh, though, because one of the side effects is hair loss. But, the steroids I'll be taking along with it have a side effect of hair growth. Maybe I'll get even more bald, but grow a beard. Could be fun! Yeah, right. This one has the nail loss side effect too, so I may not be in the clear yet. I also have the opportunity for hand and foot rash and pain, bloating weight gain, and fatigue. Maybe I should have waited to read about this till after it was over. I'm not feeling too positive at the moment. Oh, the other funny thing was when to call the doctor while taking steroids. It says if I'm experiencing stressful events while on the steroids, i should call. I guess I'll be calling him every day!

On a more positive note, I went to a make-up class at the cancer center where we got lessons on how to look beautiful and feel good during cancer treatment. We also got a free, very nice bunch of makeup and skin care stuff. I feel bad for noticing, but the group was a bunch of women quite a bit older than me and the facilitator asked if she could help me when I entered the room, like I didn't belong there. I so badly wanted to say I was in the wrong place, but it turns out I did belong there. The women were all very nice and friendly. One woman came in late, and she was about my age. She had just started her first chemo. She and I were the only ones with hair (I wore the wig) and I kept checking her out to see if her hair was a wig or not. Turns out it was her own hair that she hadn't lost yet. The woman helping me with my make-up pushed my hair back to get to my forehead and was surprised to see that it was a wig. All the ladies said they thought it was my real hair. Then they all wanted to touch it. They all said nice things about how pretty it was. I told them a bit of my wig story and passed around a picture of how I used to look about a million years ago. I now own a 12 step guide on how to put on makeup. It was kind of fun, but my face felt like it weighed a million pounds and I felt better when I washed it off at home later. I did get some stuff that I can use. I also noticed my first wrinkles on my face today. I knew I'd get wrinkles some day, but today was not a good day for it. In fact, if they could have waited till next year, that would have been best. Oh well, I guess I don't get to choose the timing on anything.

I had my nice hot stone massage and it was wonderful. And my back is back to hurting again tonight. And I'm still losing weight. Today I brought a lunch to work, and my stomach was telling my brain that it was hungry, but my mouth was saying no way am I going to eat. I was finally able to eat a bit around 4. I can still spare another 15 pounds or so before I look emaciated, so I'm ok.

I wish I could cheer up. I've got a week and a half of down time and over all, I'm feeling pretty good for being half way through chemo. I thought it would be a lot harder than it's been so far. So of course I'm dreading the next go round, thinking that NOW is when it will get hard. Surely I'm not going to sail through this. Well, I haven't exactly been sailing, but it's been way better than I imagined. I read a cool quote recently- something like "You never know how strong you are until you have no choice but to be strong." I like that one.

A Long Weekend

2009-02-08T21:35:00.000-08:00

2/8/09

It was a looooonnnnnnngggggg weekend with me feeling like crap yesterday and still needing to get Karina to a game and run a few errands with the kids. No terrible nausea, but I had some bone/body ache thing going on. My back hurt so bad that I felt like a hunch backed old lady trying to stand up straight. I ended up dropping Karina off for her game, then going home to lay down, then coming for the last bit of it. I was sad to have missed so many of her baskets. I felt guilty about not getting the girls outside much. Kaycee spent most of the day watching movies. But, it was just one day and today she got outside and so did I. We played in her sand box a bit and looked at tiny buds on our fruit trees. I went to a bra decorating fundraiser today and it was so nice and relaxing to do something with my hands. I love how creative and giving this community is.

I'm still tired, but not the fatigue tired of the past few days. I took both girls to their games tonight, and did a lot of driving, and I felt mostly normal. I did not get the super shot this time, instead I got 4 days of shots and a blood draw on Wed. If needed, I may get 3 more after that. When D gives them to me, they really don't hurt at all. But the anticipation is hell.

I appreciate the kind comments I get on this blog. It is nice to hear that I appear healthy to other people. Sometimes I'm surprised when I look at myself in the mirror. I do look healthy. Maybe I really am healthy? I think maybe I am.

My hair is almost all gone and my scalp skin feels weird- there is something infant-like about it.

I've got a hot stone massage tomorrow that I am SO looking forward to!

Four

2009-02-06T17:06:00.000-08:00

2/6/09

Part of me wonders how in the world I will be able to do 4 more rounds of chemo. It totally sucks and I don't want to do any more. especially not 4. Another part of me is so happy that I've done FOUR and I made it and got through it and I'm half way there.

Today and yesterday I felt very, very tired and have had lots of naps. No real nausea, except for Wed when I came close to throwing up right afterwards. Trouble focusing today and trouble typing, must be the medicine I'm on. Don't like taking the drugs, but I sure do love not feeling sick to my stomach!

Half Way Party!

2009-02-04T17:01:00.001-08:00

2/4/09

Yesterday was a hard day, and today is an easier one so far. Yesterday I was able to sleep without a sleeping pill, but I woke up early in the morning to bad nightmares about getting chemo again. In my dream I had to bring the girls with me, and Nurse Rugby was jabbing at my chest with a needle while the girls were bouncing off the walls and I was trying to get them under control while screaming from the needles. I was all hooked up and I said I was leaving to go to the bank. I left and got lost in the fog. I left my car and was walking through the woods with an IV hooked up to me. It was foggy and muddy and creepy. I didn’t want to find my way back to the office, but I needed to get the kids. I finally could see the building way across a muddy creek. Some creepy guys came out of the fog and offered to show me the way. They sort of seemed like vampires. Anyway, I woke up scared and super sad. I had a hard time getting ready for the day and finally just got back into bed and cried and cried and called a friend. The girls came in all concerned about who was going to get them to school. I had about 10 minutes to cry, then I had to suck it up and get them to school and myself to work.

Work was a nice distraction until afternoon when I was all caught up. Then the tears came again and I had to get out of the office for a little bit. I went to a park to eat my lunch and again had no appetite and couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t really figure out why I was so sad. Physically I’m feeling quite well. One of my wise woman suggested to me that maybe since I’m doing well physically, my body has time and energy to process all my emotions. She said if I feel my emotions now, then I won’t have to un-stuff them years down the road and feel them then. Ok, that makes sense. But it’s not too convenient to be trying to get kids off to school and to be functional at work when I can’t stop crying. I finally got home and took ¼ of an ativan, and it calmed me down. I also went to my mind/body class- the last one, and it was nice and relaxing. We drew pictures at the first class and again last night. It really made me reflect. The first one was a picture of how I see myself now, drawn right before my first chemo. Last night I drew myself again how I see myself. A few months ago I saw myself as a chaotic, fearful mess. Last night I saw myself as calm and pretty and carried along in a big red heart. There were needles and storm clouds outside the heart, but I was sheltered from them.

Today is my half way treatment. I brought D along to help keep me calm when the needle goes in my port. She brought me some stuff to numb my skin. It didn’t help too much. I begged the nurse to get it on the first try. And I tried the positive visualization that I’ve kind of forgotten about. I brought my Himalayan salt crystal lamp and it’s sitting on the table next to me lit up and beautiful. There are 4 other people surrounding me, getting chemo also. They all commented on the lamp and seemed to like it. I explained that it gives off negative ions (whatever that means) and that it’s supposed to make us all feel good, like we’re sitting next to a waterfall. I also brought my beads that my brother gave me from a Buddhist monastery retreat he went on. They feel nice in my hand and make me feel peaceful. I also have my crystals with me, and my Alanon coin, and a chestnut seed with the word “hope” on it. The seed was a gift from a woman in my class.

The needle went in on the first try today! It still hurt, but D sang to me and kept me distracted, so it wasn’t so scary. Plus, I took more ativan this morning. My new best friend. The first bag of chemo is dripping away as I type this. Nurse Rugby played the crystal bowl again, even though the room is so full. I think the other people liked it too. I am wearing a soft pink scarf right now that is covered in rose/sandalwood essential oil. It is wrapped under my nose so I can avoid the nasty medical smells. The rose is supposed to be healing, and the sandalwood is supposed to be grounding. It reminds me a little bit of the day Kaycee and I rode our bikes through the rose garden when it was in full bloom. It smelled so good!

Time to unplug so I can use the bathroom.

A Good Blood Draw

2009-02-02T18:48:00.000-08:00

2/2/09

It's February! Yeah! I went for a walk in my neighborhood and there are bulbs shooting up everywhere- Oh how I am looking forward to spring. Two people today emphasized the importance of exercise for me, so I was motivated to walk. My legs are so sore, but it felt GREAT to get outside on another beautiful day.

My white blood cell count was way high today. Which I guess is good. I didn't need another shot anyway. Normal is between 4 and 10 (I think). Last time I was at about 2, and this time it was in the 40's. Not sure what happens if it gets that high, but the nurses weren't concerned, so I won't be either. It gets harder and harder walking into the doctor's office. Today while I waited the chemical, medical smell was grossing me out so much. It's like my feet get encased in cement when I walk in the door and I have to drag myself up the stairs. I tried reciting my gratitude list today while I was waiting. I am so grateful to be past my surgeries and I'm so grateful to have that damn tube out of my body. I think overall I felt much worse right after the surgeries than I do with the chemo. This is just dragging on and that makes it hard. Plus, it's hard when I feel so good and I just want to keep feeling good forever, and I know I have to feel bad again for a bit.

I got a video today in the mail about Mexico. It looks so beautiful! There was a little clip on swimming with dolphins. The girls and I watched it and it's giving us something to dream about. The sand looks warm and I would love to spend a day building sand castles with the girls.

I have never appreciated my finger nails as much as I do now. I've never even really paid attention to them. They are way high up on my gratitude list.

Back to Running!

2009-02-01T17:55:00.001-08:00

The weekend turned out to be a good one. I have felt quite good for the past 3 days. I went for a walk/run today and it felt great! I ran for half a mile and walked for a mile. I also got some soccer coaching from F and played with the girls with the soccer ball and a bit of basketball. The run was interesting. My lungs felt fine, my arm was fine, and my breast didn't hurt, but my leg muscles felt so weak. We went to the mall afterwards and my legs were just aching while I was walking around. It felt like I had just run a hard 5 miles. So, I've got a ways to go to get back into shape. Right now I am just so grateful that in the middle of chemo I'm still able to have some active days.

I've been wearing the buff head scarf thing all weekend, and I am comfortable in it now. I still have a bit of self-consciousness out in public, but not much. I got two new ones that I really like- one pink and one red. I still have some hair stubble, but it is getting thinner and thinner every day. I still have just as much leg hair as ever, and I still have my finger nails!! Yeah! Life is good.

This morning was a bit hard. I've been trying really hard to focus on just one day at a time, and to be grateful for the days when I feel good. But, today I was moving around under a cloud of dread about the next chemo. It is so hard to be feeling good for just a few days and to know that it will be gone again soon. I don't think I'm as freaked out as last time, but I am scared again, and full of dread. It's like all the fun I have been having this weekend was happening underneath a cliff with a giant boulder poised to crush me. I find myself looking up all the time, wondering if the fun is about to be over.

The girls had a happy weekend and have seemed very peaceful and kind with each other. It is so nice to just get to hang out with them and play with them. I think that's what I miss the most when I'm in the chemo cave- not being able to really be present with the girls.

I planted some bulbs this weekend and I'm reminded of one of the quotes from the cottage. The one about being careful to mark the places where you've planted flowers because they can look like weeds when they first sprout. I know this cancer is like that- it looks like a big weed but some wonderful things are coming to me at the same time. I am so excited for spring and I can't wait to come home to a yard filled with flowers. I've been keeping pink roses in the house during my chemo week, and piling them up in a spot in the back yard when they get dry. My pile is quite big, and soon I'll put it in the compost bin and the chemo flowers will fertilize my garden this summer.